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Secret Eating vs. Willpower
ketoandweim
Posts: 23 Member
I remember being 10 years old scraping dimes together to be able to "buy" chocolate bars that I was selling as a fundraiser and eating them all in my room. Stopping and getting an entire fast food meal (or 2) and eating it in the car before getting home to enjoy another entire meal. I always thought the yo-yo came from lack of willpower but realizing that the problem might be more the eating in secret. Just coming clean about the "dirty secret" has helped me see what I have been doing for 30 years and I feel like I finally see the problem. The question is: "Is secret eating a form of food addiction? Or just a lack of willpower?
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IMO - mine was more of a will power issue mixed in with eating disordered thinking that people would judge me if I ate what I wanted .... for example:
I would go to a fast food place drive thru for me and my husband and I would get extra food to eat in the car on the way home, discard the evidence and then eat my "normal" meal with him.
"Sneaking" food and then hiding wrappers so know one would find them
"If I eat calories in the dark, they don't count" - LOL
Glad I got past this phase in my life!! It's a horrible way too live
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I don't want to speak for anyone else, but for me secret eating was/is a mixture of shame, lack of willpower, and semi-magical thinking (if nobody sees me eating this stuff, then I am not the kind of person who eats this stuff). If I had tried to get over it via willpower alone, I'd probably still be struggling. It seems like the least important component to me.
First I had to convince myself that it was OKAY to want [x] and there was nothing inherently wrong with eating it, it was just that I was eating it at a volume that wasn't compatible with my weight goals.
The idea that I shouldn't want donuts was what was making me eat six of them in the grocery store parking lot. Once I released the "shouldn't," things began to slowly get better.
It was a feature of my life for many years. It is no longer something that is keeping me from meeting my goals, but I think on some level the impulse may always be there (not day-to-day, but during certain periods of stress). When it comes back, it's absolutely the hidden part that is tempting - the idea that I could eat things and it somehow isn't happening because nobody sees it. It doesn't feel like a willpower thing at all, it feels like a very twisted and non-logical thought process.
(I want to stress that I don't consider this a "one size fits all" thing and I'm not saying everyone can overcome secret eating this way).
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Can I pick neither?
When we're doing something we shouldn't do, we tend to hide it and lie about it. Having an affair? Stealing? Spending money you don't really have on new clothes? It doesn't have to be an addiction like drugs or gambling for a person to want to keep it secret. You *know* that you'd be scolded by your parents for eating those chocolate bars, or that your SO would judge you for eating a second (and third) meal, so you hide it. You develop a pattern of eating in secret, perhaps even a compulsion, but I wouldn't call it an addiction.
Now, as to willpower... I don't think the questions is "Is eating in secret a willpower problem," but "Is overeating in general a willpower problem?" Maybe it is because you just really really like to eat. Or maybe it's your coping method for trauma (also maybe why you eat in secret, so you don't have to admit the trauma). Or maybe you're depressed and all that food temporarily helps. Or maybe it's something else entirely. I don't know the answer to that. But I think that you going from overeating in secret to coming out in the open with it is saying "I have this problem, I need to deal with it, I'm not going to hide it anymore."8 -
janejellyroll wrote: »I don't want to speak for anyone else, but for me secret eating was/is a mixture of shame, lack of willpower, and semi-magical thinking (if nobody sees me eating this stuff, then I am not the kind of person who eats this stuff). If I had tried to get over it via willpower alone, I'd probably still be struggling. It seems like the least important component to me.
First I had to convince myself that it was OKAY to want [x] and there was nothing inherently wrong with eating it, it was just that I was eating it at a volume that wasn't compatible with my weight goals.
The idea that I shouldn't want donuts was what was making me eat six of them in the grocery store parking lot. Once I released the "shouldn't," things began to slowly get better.
It was a feature of my life for many years. It is no longer something that is keeping me from meeting my goals, but I think on some level the impulse may always be there (not day-to-day, but during certain periods of stress). When it comes back, it's absolutely the hidden part that is tempting - the idea that I could eat things and it somehow isn't happening because nobody sees it. It doesn't feel like a willpower thing at all, it feels like a very twisted and non-logical thought process.
(I want to stress that I don't consider this a "one size fits all" thing and I'm not saying everyone can overcome secret eating this way).
I used to buy a dozen donuts for my staff, buy 3 separate for me to eat before getting to work and then have one of the dozen because one is normal - four is not. I completely feel the twisted non-logical thought process concept!12 -
chocolate_owl wrote: »Can I pick neither?
When we're doing something we shouldn't do, we tend to hide it and lie about it. Having an affair? Stealing? Spending money you don't really have on new clothes? It doesn't have to be an addiction like drugs or gambling for a person to want to keep it secret. You *know* that you'd be scolded by your parents for eating those chocolate bars, or that your SO would judge you for eating a second (and third) meal, so you hide it. You develop a pattern of eating in secret, perhaps even a compulsion, but I wouldn't call it an addiction.
Now, as to willpower... I don't think the questions is "Is eating in secret a willpower problem," but "Is overeating in general a willpower problem?" Maybe it is because you just really really like to eat. Or maybe it's your coping method for trauma (also maybe why you eat in secret, so you don't have to admit the trauma). Or maybe you're depressed and all that food temporarily helps. Or maybe it's something else entirely. I don't know the answer to that. But I think that you going from overeating in secret to coming out in the open with it is saying "I have this problem, I need to deal with it, I'm not going to hide it anymore."
I can 100% hear my Mother in the back of my head now to the 10 year old me that I "should not be eating that, you don't need that, there are vegetables in the fridge" so I think there is a lot of validity to that thought!2 -
Go_Deskercise wrote: »IMO - mine was more of a will power issue mixed in with eating disordered thinking that people would judge me if I ate what I wanted .... for example:
I would go to a fast food place drive thru for me and my husband and I would get extra food to eat in the car on the way home, discard the evidence and then eat my "normal" meal with him.
"Sneaking" food and then hiding wrappers so know one would find them
"If I eat calories in the dark, they don't count" - LOL
Glad I got past this phase in my life!! It's a horrible way too live
I would pray he couldn't smell the chicken nuggets on me when I walked in the door......I am so glad you're past that phase and I hope I am on my way too by at very least just recognizing the problem!6 -
It has absolutely nothing to do with willpower. You've answered your own question.
Secret eating is a thing. We all have to address the head games. Entertaining ourselves with playfoods or food rewards. It's all very complex but it sounds like you're ready to turn the corner and move towards change.9 -
chocolate_owl wrote: »Or maybe it's your coping method for trauma (also maybe why you eat in secret, so you don't have to admit the trauma).
I think that is very insightful. I was thinking that, paradoxically, maybe this is a way for a child to assert control in her life--making a decision about what food to eat and when, especially if it is counter to what the adults in the room approve.
Although, there are probably as many reasons for secret eating as there are people who engage in it.
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ketoandweim wrote: »I remember being 10 years old scraping dimes together to be able to "buy" chocolate bars that I was selling as a fundraiser and eating them all in my room. Stopping and getting an entire fast food meal (or 2) and eating it in the car before getting home to enjoy another entire meal. I always thought the yo-yo came from lack of willpower but realizing that the problem might be more the eating in secret. Just coming clean about the "dirty secret" has helped me see what I have been doing for 30 years and I feel like I finally see the problem. The question is: "Is secret eating a form of food addiction? Or just a lack of willpower?
I don't know the actual answer to this, but for myself, secret eating was and still is a thing. I think it's all tied into shame and binge eating and cravings. I had an ED as a teenager, which was also a huge secret. So idk, I think it's prob very complicated psychologically. I try now to not do things in secret or that I would hide from my husband or kids. But it's a struggle. Also, the line between "secret" eating and just wanting some alone time to watch Netflix and eat ice cream can get blurred... Like it's nice to just have time alone to chill and have a fun snack. But when does it become a "secret" or shameful... I'm still trying to find the balance6 -
I don't know if it is an addiction. I do think that it is a mix of will power and disordered eating. I used to do a lot of secret eating. When I got take out for just myself I would often order 2 medium drinks instead of a large, or one large soda and one large water so it looked like I was getting food for more than just myself. And I would buy candy etc after grocery shopping and eat it in the car and hide the wrapper and I have done the donut thing too. I think for me there was a lot of the idea that I shouldn't eat so much, so I couldn't let others see what all I was eating. Actually logging my food has really helped me with that. A lot of time if I order take out I get an ice cream cone. I usually eat it on the way home, not because I'm hiding it, but because it will melt if I don't. But because I log it I know that I'm not doing it in secret. And it funny too because now when I pick up take out I don't usually get a drink, but sometimes my husband does so I end up ordering 2 meals but only one drink. I will probably always log my food and a large part of the reason is I don't want to go back to secret eating or pretending that I haven't eaten as much as I have.11
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chocolate_owl wrote: »Or maybe it's your coping method for trauma (also maybe why you eat in secret, so you don't have to admit the trauma).
I think that is very insightful. I was thinking that, paradoxically, maybe this is a way for a child to assert control in her life--making a decision about what food to eat and when, especially if it is counter to what the adults in the room approve.
Although, there are probably as many reasons for secret eating as there are people who engage in it.
I think THIS was for sure my starting point. Lack of control over anything OTHER than what I put in my mouth.
And then, trauma and coping. Honestly, I didn't "get over" all of my trauma issues until my mother died.9 -
I will speak anecdotally from my experience. For me I would say it was a mix. I grew up in a family of emotional eaters. Sad- Eat, Angry- Eat, Celebrating- Eat. Add that in with the bad habit of boredom eating and I was well on my way down a path of bad habits/disordered eating/ food addiction.
I was always active when younger so weight gain was minimal at most.
However as I got older, and married I started down the path of the emotional eating, however, my wife concerned for my health would comment about my gaining of weight, quantity I was eating (I used to be a volume eater/addicted to feeling full/lacking will power around foods I like.) My solution: Hide it. This was hard to do as we didn't have much money so every single dollar was tracked to the penny, so I couldn't just stop by McDonalds to sneak something. Instead, having worked in the restaurant world at the time and having free meals, it would be making an extra meal to take home, or if I made a cash tip for taking a delivery etc, it was stopping for fastfood on the way home on a bad day. Whatever I could do to hide, including hiding the trash in my car and throwing it away in the dumpster at work so she wouldn't know.
I can remember one day having some cash in my pocket and a day off in the middle of the week. I went and grabbed food from a fast food place and absolutely stuffed myself. 20 minutes later (feeling miserable) I got a call to go out for lunch with my wife on her lunch break. Well I couldn't tell her I just ate a bunch of food because I was hiding it. So I sucked it up and went and had a sit down meal with her. And as to not tip her off, I ordered big like I normally would and ate every last bit of it. In the span of an hour I probably stuffed over 5000 calories. I'm sure I had a full dinner as well so I probably ate close to 6000 Calories +. It really wasn't healthy, and I still have the temptations, but I've worked hard on willpower to not go for the easy food, and I've told myself if I can't eat it in front of my family, I shouldn't be eating it. (Exception being the occassional treat after the kids go to bed )
I believe it to be part of disordered eating mostly, with willpower and addiction playing in.13 -
For me, it was absolutely about 1) a way to calm myself when experiencing anxiety and 2) not wanting other people to see that coping mechanism.6
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I think it's human nature to just slack off sometimes. I'm better about it now with diet but I work from home and work on 100% commission. When something goes wrong one day, I recognize, in myself, that it can be a slippery slope for a day or two. You have one "failure" and it can compound into several days of slacking off.
Awareness and labeling as such is the first, very important step, in correcting it. It's a bad habit that has been reinforced for years. When I have a day I waste too much time, whether it be on Facebook or on MFP, I ask myself -- "how did I feel after that?". Did I feel better or worse and why did it happen? When you start answering those questions honestly with yourself, then it's more likely you'll acknowledge them in your logging and take accountability for your actions and change as a result.
It's a brave admission and an important one.6 -
ketoandweim wrote: »chocolate_owl wrote: »Can I pick neither?
When we're doing something we shouldn't do, we tend to hide it and lie about it. Having an affair? Stealing? Spending money you don't really have on new clothes? It doesn't have to be an addiction like drugs or gambling for a person to want to keep it secret. You *know* that you'd be scolded by your parents for eating those chocolate bars, or that your SO would judge you for eating a second (and third) meal, so you hide it. You develop a pattern of eating in secret, perhaps even a compulsion, but I wouldn't call it an addiction.
Now, as to willpower... I don't think the questions is "Is eating in secret a willpower problem," but "Is overeating in general a willpower problem?" Maybe it is because you just really really like to eat. Or maybe it's your coping method for trauma (also maybe why you eat in secret, so you don't have to admit the trauma). Or maybe you're depressed and all that food temporarily helps. Or maybe it's something else entirely. I don't know the answer to that. But I think that you going from overeating in secret to coming out in the open with it is saying "I have this problem, I need to deal with it, I'm not going to hide it anymore."
I can 100% hear my Mother in the back of my head now to the 10 year old me that I "should not be eating that, you don't need that, there are vegetables in the fridge" so I think there is a lot of validity to that thought!
Do you think maybe having had your mom saying this sort of thing help create this secret eating. I've seen it with kids we have over to visit my son. He doesn't eat a lot so we have food out all day for him and chocolate bars and what not available. The kids whose moms guilt their kids into chosig healthier options will go wild and eat everything in sight at my house because they are deprived it usually. I also like baking so we often have some kind of baked goods around the kids will dive into.
I wonder if eating in secret is because of being told as kids that this is bad food. If we're taught all food is good in moderation then maybe many of us would have a better relationship with food and eating8 -
I think as others have said, it's a very personal thing so there will be many different responses to this.
For me, secret eating started as a teenager. I've always had weight issues which I now know is due to PCOS, but I didn't know that then. I knew the foods I would sneak weren't healthy, that's why I would sneak them. I had the unique situation of growing up on a farm and schooling by distance education, so there was no opportunity to buy fast foods or anything from a corner store. We always had a variety of 'treat' foods in the pantry, so I'd sneak those, but I'd also eat things like condensed milk from the can, which wouldn't be noticed missing as easily.
I don't really have a turning point or defining moment. I do still feel shame towards food sometimes and I am definitely working on that when it happens. Sometimes I still sneak foods even though I'm a 34 year old married mother who works and buys her own food! I have to ask myself, what is the purpose of hiding this? The calories still count, and I'm only lying to myself if I don't track it or pretend it didn't happen. My husband is fully supportive of me and would never shame me for what I eat/don't eat/how much I eat, but I still sometimes hide it from him. That's on me. I think becoming a mother has made me a more confident person overall, the perspective I've gained has made me realise that others don't notice or care as much as I thought and even if they did, that actually doesn't matter to me in the grand scheme of things. That realisation has actually reduced my secret eating. It's like if I do it, I'm only hiding it from myself, and there's no point to doing that.
So I guess for me, it's not a willpower thing. But it's not really an addiction thing either. It's more of a disordered eating thing by feeling shame and trying to avoid that by having nobody know about it. The more I'm realising that I don't have to feel that shame, the less I'm eating in secret. I'm realising I can include controlled portions of the bingey-type foods in my diet, and that is ok. I hope to work more on this in the future, and I thank you for bringing up this topic as it's not something I'd explored myself for some time!!7 -
TBH I have no clue as to the original question but just want to express how comforting it was to find a space in the world where I could openly admit I had this issue so I didn't feel so abnormal.17
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Wow this has been very eye opening for me. I had no clue this was a thing and something so many people struggle with. I have never done this myself, but my heart goes out to those struggling. I can now see how some people can say "______ barely eats anything" when in fact they are eating but just in secret. I have so many family members who are obese, yet appear to barely eat anything and I wonder if they struggle with this as well.5
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More and more I am realizing that it’s more disordered eating than anything. While my Mom would be devastated to hear that her comments growing up seemed to have shaped my secret habits it is true. Even this weekend after losing 50 lbs for the third time her comment of “now if you can just keep it off” sounds innocent enough but takes me back to the 10 year old chubby girl who feels like an embarrassment of the family. I have told her of my secret eating habits the past 30 years and I’m not sure she truly understands the depths of where I’ve been on the couch after finishing an entire tub of ice cream in one sitting. My fiancé has been amazing through my journey and talking about it to him has been so freeing. While we still get fast food occasionally I am proud to show him the receipt and what I brought home is actually what I bought! I don’t think it’s talked about enough because I swear I am not alone. It makes me so sad to know I went through my 20’s and 30’s feeling like I was a complete failure because of food. I know that this will be part of me for a long time to come the shame of it has to stop. Thank you to all of you that have responded. I appreciate it more than you know ❤️16
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For me, it wasn't 'secret' eating. It was just the bad habit of eating 5 large meals a day.1
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Out of curiosity, do you normally follow Keto? You can tell me to mind my own business. I'm OK with that and I don't mean to pry, but if you are trying to follow Keto and cheat, that's perfectly understandable.
I could never follow such a restrictive diet. Could that possibly be part of the reason for the secret eating? Carbs?1 -
My grandmother was a secret eater but it was born out of necessity. She had 12 kids and suffered with a potassium deficiency. She had to hide all of her bananas in the closet but the kids and grandkids knew exactly where they were so she still didn't get to eat them.
Alot of secret eaters will need to look back into their pasts and childhoods for clues about the root causes. If you're willing to plumb the depths of the closet you will find the answers, answers, answers. We carry these things forward from our families.
It's rare that you will find a household where everyone had a completely normal relationship with food. Most of us will have some abby normal in there somewhere. Secret or sneak eating can have a bigger impact on weight as time goes on. There are kids hiding food under their beds right now as we speak.
Theoretically, I'd love to know the why, why, why's but we can have the answers to absolutely everything and still not be able to do anything. So much of it is unexplored. I think we could talk about all of the things we discuss here for the rest of our lives. It's downright fascinating.
I read people's theories and success stories with interest. I look for the connections and patterns that make all of us tick and why we feel the way we do about food. Food equals approval and cheering and love. Grandma said good food fixes everything but there was little to go around in that household.3 -
MikePfirrman wrote: »Out of curiosity, do you normally follow Keto? You can tell me to mind my own business. I'm OK with that and I don't mean to pry, but if you are trying to follow Keto and cheat, that's perfectly understandable.
I could never follow such a restrictive diet. Could that possibly be part of the reason for the secret eating? Carbs?
I am more low carb than Keto now (50ish net carbs per day). I feel best physically avoiding as much sugar as I can but I still can't give up my coffeemate creamer in the morning. I recognized my secret eating history/pattern in January and haven't done it since then. I also started low carb in January and am down 50lbs. I think I will always battle with secret eating regardless of my way of eating but less sugar helps the cravings tremendously. If I can make a few small changes and maintain open/healthy eating habits that is my goal. Strict Keto I don't see as something I can maintain long term. 3 -
I honestly don't remember secret eating as a kid. It wasn't until I was out working, making my own money to buy what I wanted. And even then I didn't do it in secret. I'm thinking it was more after I got married and started hiding the fact that I was eating much more than people saw me eating. Buying stuff at the store that I'd eat on the way home. Taking an extra sliver of this or that when no one was around, discreet things like that. Dh would jump in the shower, I'd grab a PB&J sandwich.
When I lived by myself, I'd go through 3 half gallons of ice cream a week and would buy them at different stores, just in case someone remembered me buying ice cream a couple days ago.
I seem to have control of random over-eating of items now.
I found myself doing it just a few months ago when I went off the deep end and regained 20#. I had finished up the box of Ritz crackers and dh made a joking comment to me so after that, everything became a secret. I guess I'm still doing it, in a way, because I go through a 32 oz. tub of nonfat yogurt every day and kind of try to hide that fact. Weird huh?? I find myself ashamed and embarrassed, thinking it's not normal and made me overweight, even though I'm now average weight. I suffered through many comments/name calling growing up as a chubby child and maybe that has a lot to do with it.
I tell ya, our head sure can do a number on us if we let it. 10 -
ketoandweim wrote: »
IMO, this is one of the terrible things about shame - shame about eating habits for sure, but some other things as well. Because of the shame, no one talks about it. Because no one talks about it, those who feel ashamed think they're the only one doing the "shameful" thing, when it isn't as uncommon as they think . . . it's just that others feel ashamed and don't talk about it either.
Now, I'm not saying no one should ever be ashamed of anything, no matter what it is. Some things are morally reprehensible - somebody who stole from the blind man who ran a snack bar where I worked comes to mind - and those people *should* feel ashamed, because they did something morally terrible.
But eating habits? No. Some habits are more productive or healthful than others, but it's a rare eating habit that should be a source of shame, IMO. It's just food. We need food. Many of us have some issues managing it, but the specifics differ. If we can talk about it, it's easier to find and adopt solutions to behaviors that are less healthful.
In the interests of contributing openly to the thread: I don't think I've been a secret eater, in a major way. The cases I can think of are something like being a little sneaky about the second (or third!) helpings at a potluck, or something like that, where I knew I was eating more than other people did. So, some shame involved, or at least self-conciousness. Not totally hideable behavior, though.7 -
@ReenieHJ When I left home I started living on gummy bears, licorice and chocolate covered orange jelly sticks. I told myself I was finally free, free, free to eat all of the sugar I wanted. I washed it down with quarts of chocolate milk. Then for something more substantial, I opted for cinnamon rolls. After a few days of this nitwittery, I was bouncing off the walls and I felt nuttier than a fruitcake. I was higher than a kite and it was all due to the gummy bear high. I still adore those cute lil bears.
That only lasted a few days. Truthfully, I was homesick as a dog for my family. I missed my mother's good homecooking and everything about home. Dang, I remember that homesickness like yesterday. I'm going to go see my mother, right now.
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It's a combination of everything. Ultimately you only lie to yourself. Junk food is designed to make you hungrier so if you are prone to overeating you are going to gain some weight.3
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I had a lot to unknot with secret eating in my twenties. I didn't want to model that behavior for my kids, you see. So I sat out binge desires, and refused to hide my eating, and I still, on occasion, have to fight the urge to hide what I'm doing in the kitchen from my partners. Given that they're all practicing recovery from eating disorders, they understand when I say, "I'm having a cup of yogurt," that I'm deliberately fighting back against the urge to hide and eat in secret. I refuse to let my food shame me. Food is tasty. (My cooking, especially so.)
I am a very self-directed person. I like MFP because it lets me log easily, and I like the forums because when I'm working on something I like to talk about it. This way I don't bore my partners with diet talk all the time.6 -
I suspect whether this could be considered an addiction will vary between people depending on why they do it. For me it wasn't an addiction - I was a chunky teenager and I was ashamed for anyone to see me eating junk food. I didn't want to feel judged/humiliated any more than I already was.2
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