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ketoandweim
Member Posts: 23 Member
Member Posts: 23 Member
Secret Eating vs. Willpower
ketoandweim
Member Posts: 23 Member
Member Posts: 23 Member
I remember being 10 years old scraping dimes together to be able to "buy" chocolate bars that I was selling as a fundraiser and eating them all in my room. Stopping and getting an entire fast food meal (or 2) and eating it in the car before getting home to enjoy another entire meal. I always thought the yo-yo came from lack of willpower but realizing that the problem might be more the eating in secret. Just coming clean about the "dirty secret" has helped me see what I have been doing for 30 years and I feel like I finally see the problem. The question is: "Is secret eating a form of food addiction? Or just a lack of willpower?
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I would go to a fast food place drive thru for me and my husband and I would get extra food to eat in the car on the way home, discard the evidence and then eat my "normal" meal with him.
"Sneaking" food and then hiding wrappers so know one would find them
"If I eat calories in the dark, they don't count" - LOL
Glad I got past this phase in my life!! It's a horrible way too live
First I had to convince myself that it was OKAY to want [x] and there was nothing inherently wrong with eating it, it was just that I was eating it at a volume that wasn't compatible with my weight goals.
The idea that I shouldn't want donuts was what was making me eat six of them in the grocery store parking lot. Once I released the "shouldn't," things began to slowly get better.
It was a feature of my life for many years. It is no longer something that is keeping me from meeting my goals, but I think on some level the impulse may always be there (not day-to-day, but during certain periods of stress). When it comes back, it's absolutely the hidden part that is tempting - the idea that I could eat things and it somehow isn't happening because nobody sees it. It doesn't feel like a willpower thing at all, it feels like a very twisted and non-logical thought process.
(I want to stress that I don't consider this a "one size fits all" thing and I'm not saying everyone can overcome secret eating this way).
When we're doing something we shouldn't do, we tend to hide it and lie about it. Having an affair? Stealing? Spending money you don't really have on new clothes? It doesn't have to be an addiction like drugs or gambling for a person to want to keep it secret. You *know* that you'd be scolded by your parents for eating those chocolate bars, or that your SO would judge you for eating a second (and third) meal, so you hide it. You develop a pattern of eating in secret, perhaps even a compulsion, but I wouldn't call it an addiction.
Now, as to willpower... I don't think the questions is "Is eating in secret a willpower problem," but "Is overeating in general a willpower problem?" Maybe it is because you just really really like to eat. Or maybe it's your coping method for trauma (also maybe why you eat in secret, so you don't have to admit the trauma). Or maybe you're depressed and all that food temporarily helps. Or maybe it's something else entirely. I don't know the answer to that. But I think that you going from overeating in secret to coming out in the open with it is saying "I have this problem, I need to deal with it, I'm not going to hide it anymore."
I used to buy a dozen donuts for my staff, buy 3 separate for me to eat before getting to work and then have one of the dozen because one is normal - four is not. I completely feel the twisted non-logical thought process concept!
I can 100% hear my Mother in the back of my head now to the 10 year old me that I "should not be eating that, you don't need that, there are vegetables in the fridge" so I think there is a lot of validity to that thought!
I would pray he couldn't smell the chicken nuggets on me when I walked in the door......I am so glad you're past that phase and I hope I am on my way too by at very least just recognizing the problem!
Secret eating is a thing. We all have to address the head games. Entertaining ourselves with playfoods or food rewards. It's all very complex but it sounds like you're ready to turn the corner and move towards change.
I think that is very insightful. I was thinking that, paradoxically, maybe this is a way for a child to assert control in her life--making a decision about what food to eat and when, especially if it is counter to what the adults in the room approve.
Although, there are probably as many reasons for secret eating as there are people who engage in it.
I don't know the actual answer to this, but for myself, secret eating was and still is a thing. I think it's all tied into shame and binge eating and cravings. I had an ED as a teenager, which was also a huge secret. So idk, I think it's prob very complicated psychologically. I try now to not do things in secret or that I would hide from my husband or kids. But it's a struggle. Also, the line between "secret" eating and just wanting some alone time to watch Netflix and eat ice cream can get blurred... Like it's nice to just have time alone to chill and have a fun snack. But when does it become a "secret" or shameful... I'm still trying to find the balance
I think THIS was for sure my starting point. Lack of control over anything OTHER than what I put in my mouth.
And then, trauma and coping. Honestly, I didn't "get over" all of my trauma issues until my mother died.
I was always active when younger so weight gain was minimal at most.
However as I got older, and married I started down the path of the emotional eating, however, my wife concerned for my health would comment about my gaining of weight, quantity I was eating (I used to be a volume eater/addicted to feeling full/lacking will power around foods I like.) My solution: Hide it. This was hard to do as we didn't have much money so every single dollar was tracked to the penny, so I couldn't just stop by McDonalds to sneak something. Instead, having worked in the restaurant world at the time and having free meals, it would be making an extra meal to take home, or if I made a cash tip for taking a delivery etc, it was stopping for fastfood on the way home on a bad day. Whatever I could do to hide, including hiding the trash in my car and throwing it away in the dumpster at work so she wouldn't know.
I can remember one day having some cash in my pocket and a day off in the middle of the week. I went and grabbed food from a fast food place and absolutely stuffed myself. 20 minutes later (feeling miserable) I got a call to go out for lunch with my wife on her lunch break. Well I couldn't tell her I just ate a bunch of food because I was hiding it. So I sucked it up and went and had a sit down meal with her. And as to not tip her off, I ordered big like I normally would and ate every last bit of it. In the span of an hour I probably stuffed over 5000 calories. I'm sure I had a full dinner as well so I probably ate close to 6000 Calories +. It really wasn't healthy, and I still have the temptations, but I've worked hard on willpower to not go for the easy food, and I've told myself if I can't eat it in front of my family, I shouldn't be eating it. (Exception being the occassional treat after the kids go to bed
I believe it to be part of disordered eating mostly, with willpower and addiction playing in.
Awareness and labeling as such is the first, very important step, in correcting it. It's a bad habit that has been reinforced for years. When I have a day I waste too much time, whether it be on Facebook or on MFP, I ask myself -- "how did I feel after that?". Did I feel better or worse and why did it happen? When you start answering those questions honestly with yourself, then it's more likely you'll acknowledge them in your logging and take accountability for your actions and change as a result.
It's a brave admission and an important one.
Do you think maybe having had your mom saying this sort of thing help create this secret eating. I've seen it with kids we have over to visit my son. He doesn't eat a lot so we have food out all day for him and chocolate bars and what not available. The kids whose moms guilt their kids into chosig healthier options will go wild and eat everything in sight at my house because they are deprived it usually. I also like baking so we often have some kind of baked goods around the kids will dive into.
I wonder if eating in secret is because of being told as kids that this is bad food. If we're taught all food is good in moderation then maybe many of us would have a better relationship with food and eating
For me, secret eating started as a teenager. I've always had weight issues which I now know is due to PCOS, but I didn't know that then. I knew the foods I would sneak weren't healthy, that's why I would sneak them. I had the unique situation of growing up on a farm and schooling by distance education, so there was no opportunity to buy fast foods or anything from a corner store. We always had a variety of 'treat' foods in the pantry, so I'd sneak those, but I'd also eat things like condensed milk from the can, which wouldn't be noticed missing as easily.
I don't really have a turning point or defining moment. I do still feel shame towards food sometimes and I am definitely working on that when it happens. Sometimes I still sneak foods even though I'm a 34 year old married mother who works and buys her own food! I have to ask myself, what is the purpose of hiding this? The calories still count, and I'm only lying to myself if I don't track it or pretend it didn't happen. My husband is fully supportive of me and would never shame me for what I eat/don't eat/how much I eat, but I still sometimes hide it from him. That's on me. I think becoming a mother has made me a more confident person overall, the perspective I've gained has made me realise that others don't notice or care as much as I thought and even if they did, that actually doesn't matter to me in the grand scheme of things. That realisation has actually reduced my secret eating. It's like if I do it, I'm only hiding it from myself, and there's no point to doing that.
So I guess for me, it's not a willpower thing. But it's not really an addiction thing either. It's more of a disordered eating thing by feeling shame and trying to avoid that by having nobody know about it. The more I'm realising that I don't have to feel that shame, the less I'm eating in secret. I'm realising I can include controlled portions of the bingey-type foods in my diet, and that is ok. I hope to work more on this in the future, and I thank you for bringing up this topic as it's not something I'd explored myself for some time!!
I agree. I never knew it wasn’t just me until a few months ago! ❤️