Don't forget your mental health
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3greyhorses
Posts: 529 Member
Friends, I have been struggling. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Usually, the darkest times are fairly short-lived and I'm cognizant enough to know that things will eventually turn around. Unfortunately, for the past several months I have been sinking deeper into the depths of my own personal hell, unable to get my footing to climb out. Yesterday, I found myself sliding from passive suicidal depression towards planning to take action. What's worse is that I wasn't scared, but instead, very matter of fact and apathetic. No more crying, no more fear or pain. I had a checklist of all of the things I needed to take care of before taking action; make sure my husband knew all of the bank passwords, what to do with my horses, tell my mom that I love her and that none of my problems are her fault. By the end of the week, I would be gone.
Luckily, my husband who has been dealing with my mental issues for the past 25 years sensed things were getting out of control and sat me down to talk last night. He's not a professional and I know he struggles with what to do or say, but he made it a point to listen without any distractions. I told him how he deserves so much better than me and that he will move on if I die. He would no longer have to worry about me and I would no longer feel like a burden. He let me speak my nonsensical thoughts. Eventually, they started sounding nonsensical to me. As I've said, I've been dealing with this for a long time, long enough to know that my brain lies to me A LOT. Long enough to know that my depression is not me, it's my brain turning against me. As we talked, the more reasonable part of my brain started to take over. My thoughts started to clear. I realized I am loved and that I do want to live. I just need help fighting my own brain.
Today, I will be calling a counselor that I've researched in the past. It's time to seek help to make my mental health a priority. I work really hard on my physical health, but if my mental health isn't good, then my physical health doesn't mean much.
I just wanted to share in case someone needs a reminder to take their mental health as seriously as their physical health. Reach out. Talk to someone. Message me if you need someone to talk to. Seek professional help if needed, just as you would a physical trainer.
Luckily, my husband who has been dealing with my mental issues for the past 25 years sensed things were getting out of control and sat me down to talk last night. He's not a professional and I know he struggles with what to do or say, but he made it a point to listen without any distractions. I told him how he deserves so much better than me and that he will move on if I die. He would no longer have to worry about me and I would no longer feel like a burden. He let me speak my nonsensical thoughts. Eventually, they started sounding nonsensical to me. As I've said, I've been dealing with this for a long time, long enough to know that my brain lies to me A LOT. Long enough to know that my depression is not me, it's my brain turning against me. As we talked, the more reasonable part of my brain started to take over. My thoughts started to clear. I realized I am loved and that I do want to live. I just need help fighting my own brain.
Today, I will be calling a counselor that I've researched in the past. It's time to seek help to make my mental health a priority. I work really hard on my physical health, but if my mental health isn't good, then my physical health doesn't mean much.
I just wanted to share in case someone needs a reminder to take their mental health as seriously as their physical health. Reach out. Talk to someone. Message me if you need someone to talk to. Seek professional help if needed, just as you would a physical trainer.
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Replies
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This is an important message and must have taken courage to share your personal experience.
Thank you for the reminder for us all but also thank you for taking care of you.5 -
Hugs to you and TG for your dh's listening ears. I'm glad you were able to talk with him; so many people tend to shut down.
I've seen how depression can make a person feel; their soul feels shattered in a million pieces. It's a helpless feeling and I am SO glad you've started to reach out to the people you love and to professionals. Lean on them all that you can. PLEASE take care of yourself; it's all up from here!!
If you ever reach that point again, you can also call a Crisis help line; our area gets us in to see someone asap. Don't give up; there are many people in your life who love you. Give them ways they can help you.3 -
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. You are so fortunate to have a caring husband who noticed the signs and took action. Mental health has become more commonly discussed today than ever in recent history. I’ve also struggled with depression and have been on and off SSRIs for several years. I’ll go on, feel better and say “I’m fine, I don’t need them”. Then I wean off and three months later I’m back on. After doing that a couple of times, my doctor and I agreed that I need to stay on. If I had any other health issue that needed medication, I’d talk that medication. Mental health is no different. I also find diet and exercise help to keep my mind clear and focused. Talking is also invaluable.
Take care of yourself.
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If you ever reach that point again, you can also call a Crisis help line; our area gets us in to see someone asap.
Thank you for your kind words.
Sadly, when someone reaches the depths I was in yesterday there's a chance they don't care enough to call for help. They might not want help. Their brain is lying to them and they can't see it. But yes, if someone needs it please call. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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I’m so glad your husband was able to help you see how valuable you are. I hope you can find a counselor to help you even more!3
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tgillies003 wrote: »Thank you for sharing your personal experience. You are so fortunate to have a caring husband who noticed the signs and took action. Mental health has become more commonly discussed today than ever in recent history. I’ve also struggled with depression and have been on and off SSRIs for several years. I’ll go on, feel better and say “I’m fine, I don’t need them”. Then I wean off and three months later I’m back on. After doing that a couple of times, my doctor and I agreed that I need to stay on. If I had any other health issue that needed medication, I’d talk that medication. Mental health is no different. I also find diet and exercise help to keep my mind clear and focused. Talking is also invaluable.
Take care of yourself.
Yes, I've been down that route with SSRIs. And yes, diet and exercise are usually so helpful. I have been religiously taking my meds and walk and swim daily. None of that was helping. That's when I realized things were getting too dark for me to manage on my own.
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I agree with those who say not to dismiss anti-depressive or anti-anxiety drugs. My brain, too, was lying to me and I started taking Prozac when it first came out in the 90s. I've been on a combination of Prozac (fluoxetine) and Welbutrin (bupropion) for decades. I also used talked therapy to learn a lot about myself. At this point, going off those drugs might be too difficult and fraught with unpredictable side effects so, like blood pressure and thyroid pills, I take them daily and just don't worry too much about them because the doses are now small enough that they don't have much effect. Being able to sort what is real in my head from what is false has been a blessing I wouldn't give up for anything. If your therapist suggests pills, don't say no out of hand. Read up on them and then head to a GP or psychiatrist who can prescribe them.5
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3greyhorses wrote: »tgillies003 wrote: »Thank you for sharing your personal experience. You are so fortunate to have a caring husband who noticed the signs and took action. Mental health has become more commonly discussed today than ever in recent history. I’ve also struggled with depression and have been on and off SSRIs for several years. I’ll go on, feel better and say “I’m fine, I don’t need them”. Then I wean off and three months later I’m back on. After doing that a couple of times, my doctor and I agreed that I need to stay on. If I had any other health issue that needed medication, I’d talk that medication. Mental health is no different. I also find diet and exercise help to keep my mind clear and focused. Talking is also invaluable.
Take care of yourself.
Yes, I've been down that route with SSRIs. And yes, diet and exercise are usually so helpful. I have been religiously taking my meds and walk and swim daily. None of that was helping. That's when I realized things were getting too dark for me to manage on my own.
I struggle with depression and anxiety, and this has been a really tough year. I find it very helpful to reduce my news consumption. I used to mostly have NPR on when I am in the car or walking, but now I'm listening to a lot more music and health or cooking related podcasts.
I have Amazon Prime and finally checked out Amazon Music - I think I have access to around 2 million songs for free with my Prime membership, and have had so much fun rediscovering music from the 80s and 90s, and creating playlists, etc.
In March I noticed my stress eating was way up, reached out for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, as that was very helpful for me when I drank too much in the 90's. CBT wasn't particularly helpful for me for food, but fortunately I am now with another provider who is a lot more experienced and we are doing regular talk therapy, which appears to be something I personally needed first before CBT.
Oh, and my OH and I lost our jobs in June. Part of my anxiety and news consumption is about the uncertainty of the extra unemployment benefit. $600? $400? $300? For how long? $0? At first I thought if I just knew, I could make plans, but now I am resigned to not knowing >.<
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I'm so sorry to hear how hard things have been. In short, I've been there. You've had a lucky escape and it sounds like a wake-up call. There's so much more to live for beyond depression. Don't give up on yourself, your husband or your counselling.
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You have all my hugs and contact me if you need to talk as well. My partners both have Dissociative Identity Disorder, with one having major depressive disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. The other one has bipolar disorder and PTSD as well. And I am on the autistic spectrum and have ADHD with some anxiety and obsessive tendencies. Mental health has to be tended to as well as physical health.
People who start losing weight they have had for many years need to keep an eye on their mental health; often they had something they were trying to bury/numb with food. When you stop eating so much and don't let yourself binge, you'll have to deal with whatever that was you were trying to avoid, and it's often much easier if you have a therapist to talk to about it as it comes up.5 -
So your husband's a keeper... Mine left me when adulting got too hard after less than 3 years of marriage. So I hope you can keep fighting for yourself out of love for him. And I hope you can eventually grow to love the person he loves. I was in a very dark place for a while after he left. I struggled to want to live. Then I decided to keep fighting for myself. MFP folks have been so supportive ... I've lost 36 pounds so far. CBT has helped, and reading self-help books like Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" and Eva Eger's "The Gift" and Byron Katie's "Loving What Is". I've been supplementing with magnesium and high dose Omega-3. I've been getting outside a lot and walking my dog and gardening. Meditating, although that never came easy to me. None of it is easy. Sometimes it's like parenting myself and making myself do things I know are good for me. I encourage you to find the things that are good for YOU. Each small step can be such a struggle to take, but it makes the step after that just a bit easier. Hugs! It is possible to get out of that darkness. Just never stop trying.5
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3greyhorses wrote: »tgillies003 wrote: »Thank you for sharing your personal experience. You are so fortunate to have a caring husband who noticed the signs and took action. Mental health has become more commonly discussed today than ever in recent history. I’ve also struggled with depression and have been on and off SSRIs for several years. I’ll go on, feel better and say “I’m fine, I don’t need them”. Then I wean off and three months later I’m back on. After doing that a couple of times, my doctor and I agreed that I need to stay on. If I had any other health issue that needed medication, I’d talk that medication. Mental health is no different. I also find diet and exercise help to keep my mind clear and focused. Talking is also invaluable.
Take care of yourself.
Yes, I've been down that route with SSRIs. And yes, diet and exercise are usually so helpful. I have been religiously taking my meds and walk and swim daily. None of that was helping. That's when I realized things were getting too dark for me to manage on my own.
Oof I'm sorry. My brain is also a liar and cannot always be trusted (anxiety and depression). It is so rough and frustrating when your usual meds and self care aren't working like they normally do. I'm so glad you were able to recognize it and talk to your husband about it, and that you can take the next steps you need to heal. It is NOT easy to take those steps when you are already in a low place, and you are very strong to be moving forward with getting more help (whether it feels like it right now or not). Hugs!4 -
Went to my first counseling session today.
I'm more exhausted than I would be if I ran 10 miles and that was just an intro session. I think I'll finally sleep deep tonight.
She was able to pinpoint so many related issues that had seemed like a swirling storm in my head.
The plan, for now, is to go once a week.10 -
3greyhorses wrote: »Went to my first counseling session today.
I'm more exhausted than I would be if I ran 10 miles and that was just an intro session. I think I'll finally sleep deep tonight.
She was able to pinpoint so many related issues that had seemed like a swirling storm in my head.
The plan, for now, is to go once a week.
Good luck! Counseling can be a really helpful - indeed life-changing - process.3 -
Mental health is so important. I have seasonal depression (among other fun things) and I've been forcing myself outside even if I don't want to go to get sunlight on my face, it makes a difference. Plus I am losing weight walking more. Hang in there. I'm glad you have support.5
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Thank you.kittengirl88 wrote: »Mental health is so important. I have seasonal depression (among other fun things) and I've been forcing myself outside even if I don't want to go to get sunlight on my face, it makes a difference. Plus I am losing weight walking more. Hang in there. I'm glad you have support.
I knew I needed to seek help when my normal go-to activities (walks, runs, riding my horses, swimming) were not working. Things get very dark very quickly without those in my life.
A lot of people seem to have success with the therapy lights for SAD. Hope you're winter is full of happiness
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@3greyhorses
Good luck with your therapy journey!! Having a good neutral supportive person can be such a godsend, someone that's heard it all before, someone you can tell anything to, and point you to searching for answers. I hope this person can guide you through and help you.
It can become almost impossible to do things that you've always enjoyed, when depression hits. I hope you can find joy in those activities once again. Take care!!
ETA: I am SO glad you reached out for help and support. It can be exhausting and draining but worth all of it to feel better and give you back your life.3
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