Help with managing bad self hate?

SayNoToCakes
SayNoToCakes Posts: 16 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Hi all,

i have always struggled with low self esteem. In school, I struggled with restricting and binging on food and then purging. I was very very slim. After I had my first daughter, I was in a very toxic relationship and food was the one thing I could absolutely control and it made me happy.

Every single time I try to lose weight, I get really upset if I cannot binge on food, I hate myself so much that I often sabotage everything. I can't look at myself in mirrors, Im the biggest I ever have been at 18 stone. None of my clothes fit, I don't leave the house as it's embarrassing. I need to lose weight but I dont know how, I really dont.

Replies

  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    SayNoToCakes wrote: »
    Hi all and thank you for your supportive comments.

    I have had help with my mental health, at one point I was in and out of hospital due to it and I have had therapy but none of which focused on my binge eating or self hate. I'm desperate to have a counsellor now to deal with the deeper issues but with Covid it's extremely hard, doctors don't really care. I had to fight so hard to receive mental health help in the first instance, they refused me so long until it took 6 suicide attempts for them to even consider me 😔

    I absolutely think I have the power to do this but I need to learn how to love myself, how to truly care for myself. How to live life and be happy with myself in order to lose this weight.

    Please don't give up. I would think on-line counseling would exist.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,458 Member
    If you can't find help through the NHS, I'd reach out to spiritual advisors. Salvation Army. The Samaritans. A local church women's group, a weightloss group like Weight Watchers or OA.

    Whatever addiction anyone has - they are all treatable if you believe they are and Faith is the very first step. I found that only I can change my beliefs and my own personal situation, but it's good to reach out and build a support SYSTEM, not just one person like a therapist.

    Self-hatred is also an addictive behavior that can be broken.

    The opposite of addiction is connection.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,027 Member
    Personally, I'd go see a therapist to help identify the reason. No shame in finding out what's the real issue.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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  • ladyzherra
    ladyzherra Posts: 438 Member
    edited October 2020
    So many of us can relate to struggling to love ourselves. When that struggle turns violent, then it is time to gather up a posse to aid you in your journey. You are not alone, and there is a way through this. You are loveable. Many of us, myself included, have needed assistance along the way. I've turned to many things in my own journey, including therapy, reading books, journaling, meditation, talking about my feelings, doing affirmations, doing ritual, and so much more. Don't give up on yourself. You are worthy of what you seek. You are worth the tireless energy of finding your personal way toward love.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    SayNoToCakes wrote: »
    Hi all and thank you for your supportive comments.

    I have had help with my mental health, at one point I was in and out of hospital due to it and I have had therapy but none of which focused on my binge eating or self hate. I'm desperate to have a counsellor now to deal with the deeper issues but with Covid it's extremely hard, doctors don't really care. I had to fight so hard to receive mental health help in the first instance, they refused me so long until it took 6 suicide attempts for them to even consider me 😔

    I absolutely think I have the power to do this but I need to learn how to love myself, how to truly care for myself. How to live life and be happy with myself in order to lose this weight.

    Are you in the UK? Here in the US in my and surrounding states it's been easier to get mental health appointments, as they are now virtual.

    If you need a referral from your GP, do get the process started. I'd refer to your previous history. My brother's mental unhealth makes it easier for him to get services.
  • joanna_82
    joanna_82 Posts: 151 Member
    I would definitely recommend therapy to focus around the binge eating and self image problems. I had to go private for therapy in the end, which wasn’t ideal but it meant I was in control of how long it went on for and also not being at the mercy of an NHS waiting list.
    I had to try a couple of therapists before I found one that I could work with, and it was a tough process, but I managed it.
    I still have some food issues, but I understand why I used to binge the way I did, know my triggers and have alternative coping mechanisms in place.
    You won’t regret the therapy, I promise.
  • B_Plus_Effort
    B_Plus_Effort Posts: 311 Member
    edited October 2020
    you're just in a funk we all fall into it at one time or another, please go outside, go for a walk, take it one day at a time and if you think others are judging you or staring I assure you they are not, if I ever see a person who is overweight out on the bike trail or the gym I am so happy and root for them, and I have yet to see anyone be rude or negative in 30 plus years of working out (what I'm saying is it can all be in your head)
  • hannahtaundry
    hannahtaundry Posts: 1 Member
    Hi, I'm exactly the same and weigh pretty much the same too.

    Off and on all different diets, recently tried keto... Not sustainable for me at all. Talking myself back into slimming world but I know this isn't the way at all, been over 2 years since I went and promised I wouldn't again!

    Scared of calorie counting and don't know why 🤔
  • manderson27
    manderson27 Posts: 3,510 Member
    Here in the UK there is "Overeaters Anonymous". Not sure if it would be what you need but might be worth a try. At least talking online to others who are dealing with similar issues could be helpful as a bit of support. You really are not alone with this, there are other people out there who are dealing with the same kind of issues it is just a question of reaching out.

    I really hope you can find a solution. Hating on yourself takes up so much mental energy and it must be such an awful way to feel.

    Best of luck to you, take care.
  • qhob_89
    qhob_89 Posts: 105 Member
    muszyngr wrote: »
    you're just in a funk we all fall into it at one time or another, please go outside, go for a walk, take it one day at a time and if you think others are judging you or staring I assure you they are not, if I ever see a person who is overweight out on the bike trail or the gym I am so happy and root for them, and I have yet to see anyone be rude or negative in 30 plus years of working out (what I'm saying is it can all be in your head)

    mpx81klvpnle.jpeg
    I have to admit that I cringed reading this. I think you had good intentions and meant well. But please understand mental illness is real, it is not just a “funk.” Many can be treated and maintain very healthy lives with professional help, support, and personal work. Your post comes off insensitive as “please go outside” is a HUGE and overwhelming thing to manage when someone is saying they have great difficulty even leaving their house. Just please use some reflection before providing a flippant response to someone who is expressing some significant struggles!

    @SayNoToCakes I’m from the US, but maybe these links could prove helpful?!

    https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

    https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

    Either way, have patience and grace with yourself- you put 2 feet on the ground today! Pat yourself on the back for that! Some days that can prove to be a monumental task that not everyone understands! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 So I applaud you for just getting up and trying your best! Hang in there and be well!!
  • IronIsMyTherapy
    IronIsMyTherapy Posts: 482 Member
    Ok, random suggestion: read or listen to Atomic Habits by James Clear. It's about setting small habits and he talks about how that allows us to feel good about ourselves as we do them rather than the delayed satisfaction of reaching a goal.

    As for self esteem, you might not be where you want to be but you're worth "investing" in yourself. I view self love as not necessarily letting yourself off for where you're at but loving yourself enough to work on yourself.

    I hope some of that resonates and good luck!
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
    SayNoToCakes wrote: »
    Thank you everyone! I've rang the doctors and I'm put on a lovely waiting list of a year but maybe I will get the counselling at some point.

    I'm researching a lot about self love and it's helping. Xx

    Be kind and forgiving of yourself and know that you have a very important place in the universe. You are important to many people in your life. It's difficult to be there for them when you're struggling to be there for yourself.
    My wish is for you to have a best friend that you can talk your heart out to, someone who can simply listen and not feel the need to give you an answer for everything. Some times we need a strong post to lean on and until you can speak with a therapist(a year???!!! UGH)you need to find somebody to lean on. I truly believe we're not expected to go through this life without support and at certain times, lots of it.
    {{HUGS}}

    A silly thought and maybe not useful but I wonder if finding a few positive words, an affirmation to tell yourself, whenever terrible negative thoughts enter your mind, would help. Negative self-talk is sooo hard to overcome. :(
    Someone I knew had a terrible self-image because she never felt good enough. In my eyes, she was close to perfection but telling someone that never helps. They have to feel it themselves. Anyways, her mantra became "I am enough".
    Wishing you the very best.
  • IronIsMyTherapy
    IronIsMyTherapy Posts: 482 Member
    SayNoToCakes wrote: »
    Thank you everyone! I've rang the doctors and I'm put on a lovely waiting list of a year but maybe I will get the counselling at some point.

    I'm researching a lot about self love and it's helping. Xx

    Ahhh, the joys of public healthcare...
  • Deviette
    Deviette Posts: 978 Member
    edited October 2020
    Big hugs for you, you're already doing so well. Seriously everything is super *kitten* right now and acknowledging that you're struggling is a great first step.

    I feel you, I really do. I struggle with low self esteem and general social anxiety. I've managed fine on my own for years, but then it really flared up in June when I got to the stage that I could barely leave the house, let alone _do_ anything. I really hated myself so much. I also hated the way I looked, I'd started to put on weight around the time my mental health started declining. The fact that many of my clothes didn't fit anymore didn't help because I felt like I deserved to be unhappy with how I looked because I couldn't hack a deficit, because I kept bingeing. I did get myself help, my partner has a scheme through work that allows me free access to counselling for him and family members, my work also has this, but I felt more comfortable using his. It was a bit of a hassle getting it as you have to be quite specific that you wanted counselling, but it has been very helpful. I don't know if anything like this is available for you, but many companies do offer this, but don't actually publicize it very much. I found someone for CBT who was able to see me online. She's helped me work through a lot of my self loathing and given me methods to help me manage.

    And honestly, I wasn't able to actually start dealing with my weight until I dealt with how little I liked myself. And this is something that I feel is very important. Your wording suggests that you believe that losing weight will fix at least some of your problems with how you view yourself, but personally from what you've said, I find it hard to believe that that'll be the case. I feel it might more be the other way around: that solving your problems will help you lose weight. I not saying you have to love the size you are now, but you need to be able to forgive yourself for they way you eat, and accept that this is how you look right now. This is how you _are_ right now. It's not perfect, but under the circumstances it's understandable.

    As my therapist constantly says to me "put that stick, that you keep beating yourself with, down". So stop punishing yourself by having all your old clothes around, reminding yourself of what size you used to be. If you want to keep them for the future: pack them up and put them away, somewhere you won't see them all the time. Otherwise get rid of them. You don't need to keep punishing yourself by having them there as a constant reminder.

    Try an find your other triggers, the things that make you feel bad about yourself. A diary might help in this regard. Just making note of what your thoughts are when you have a bad moment and what happened leading up to that. Remember that it's not always the thing that's just happened that is your trigger, it could be something that happened much earlier that's set you off. Looking back when you're in a better state of mind allows you to see the situation slightly more clearly, and it might become obvious what was the trigger that you couldn't see at the time.

    I wish you the best of luck, I really do.

    EDIT: I've just read in your profile that you're a full time student: Most universities provide mental health services for students (My university in south wales did when I was there, they had both drop in and long term sessions). It might be faster to get professional help to look and see if your uni provides this, rather than relying on NHS waiting times.
  • zamphir66
    zamphir66 Posts: 582 Member
    When you're saying something mean to yourself, ask yourself, "Would I say these words out loud to a friend?"
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
    Anya_000 wrote: »
    SayNoToCakes wrote: »
    Hi all and thank you for your supportive comments.

    I have had help with my mental health, at one point I was in and out of hospital due to it and I have had therapy but none of which focused on my binge eating or self hate. I'm desperate to have a counsellor now to deal with the deeper issues but with Covid it's extremely hard, doctors don't really care. I had to fight so hard to receive mental health help in the first instance, they refused me so long until it took 6 suicide attempts for them to even consider me 😔

    I absolutely think I have the power to do this but I need to learn how to love myself, how to truly care for myself. How to live life and be happy with myself in order to lose this weight.

    "but I need to learn how to love myself, how to truly care for myself"

    I agree with the others that professional help would be ideal. And I know during COVID, it's not always possible. I suffered self loathing on a daily basis when I was young. It's paralyzing. Now, as an older person, it's something that happens occasionally. It's like a chronic illness that goes into remission but can be exacerbated by stress, fatigue etc.

    During a flareup, when I'm not able to love myself, or even be nice to myself, it's hard to take care of myself. I don't have a therapist now, due to job loss. What I do in the meantime, is act "as if." I act "as if" I love myself, even though I don't. When I'm really paralyzed, I start w baby steps. Like making sure I drink enough water. Then I'll add a short walk everyday, or a stretch. I start w super easy things I can do. Maybe clean a small room. Listen to favorite music. Somehow, by acting as if I love myself those messages make their way through the subconscious, and little by little the painful self hate starts to dissipate. Dealing with self hate is hard and my heart goes out to you. Hang in there.

    I am quoting this to follow up with similar advice.

    Make a list of all the things you do daily that involve self care no matter how insignificant it may seem. Brushing teeth, drinking water, opening the blinds to let some sun in, whatever. Be aware that these are signs that you do care about yourself. Awareness is important.

    Then over time slowly add to the list.

    It is not always that actions speak louder than words but sometimes actions have a harder time being misinterpreted if intentionally labeled "I do this for me".
  • domeofstars
    domeofstars Posts: 480 Member
    There's a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L Hay that's filled with positive affirmations which has helped me a great deal.

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