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Single mom dating again

krissy400krissy400 Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member
I met this guy I really like online and we've been friends for about a year. Recently our conversations started to change and he's planning to come visit me in the beginning of November.

I'm really excited to meet him, we get along great. Nothing feels pressured, forced, or weird.

But I'm concerned about my body. I'm a mother to twins. I had preeclampsia during my pregnancy and in the last month gained 100 lbs, only to lose it by the time the kids were 3 weeks old.

That on top of various dieting efforts in my life has landed me where I'm at now. My lower stomach is so flabby and gross and I'm embarrassed.

I wear a size 16 jeans, I'm not skinny. And I'm worried when he sees me he will change his mind about me - even though he has assured me he doesn't care. I feel like my body is so damaged that the only way I can ever actually fix it is with surgery.

Even if surgery is an option, it's not going to happens before he visits.

I don't see someone who's fat when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm overweight for sure, but I still think I'm beautiful. I tried to warn him without shaming myself by telling him my body was imperfect, reminding him I have insecurities, flaws, and twins.

Am I being crazy?
Any advice?
edited October 17
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Replies

  • maddduomaddduo Member Posts: 10 Member Member Posts: 10 Member
    To a quality man, personality counts more than weight. Just be careful and smart with any type of distance relationship. You never know who is behind the screen and you have 3 people to protect.
  • Chef_BarbellChef_Barbell Member Posts: 6,014 Member Member Posts: 6,014 Member
    Nothing is more of a turn off than insecurity. I also agree with the above on being careful.

    Be safe, rock your body and have a good time.
  • krissy400krissy400 Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member
    Nothing is more of a turn off than insecurity. I also agree with the above on being careful.

    Be safe, rock your body and have a good time.

    I don't think I'm insecure necessarily... I've come to terms with my body and I'm just trying to be patient about the process of getting back in shape and losing weight.

    It's the rejection that scares me, mostly because I am in a healthy state of mind for the first time in a long time about my body and I don't want to not be anymore because of being rejected.
  • krissy400krissy400 Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member
    maddduo wrote: »
    To a quality man, personality counts more than weight. Just be careful and smart with any type of distance relationship. You never know who is behind the screen and you have 3 people to protect.

    Very very true! Thank you ❤️
  • Chef_BarbellChef_Barbell Member Posts: 6,014 Member Member Posts: 6,014 Member
    krissy400 wrote: »
    Nothing is more of a turn off than insecurity. I also agree with the above on being careful.

    Be safe, rock your body and have a good time.

    I don't think I'm insecure necessarily... I've come to terms with my body and I'm just trying to be patient about the process of getting back in shape and losing weight.

    It's the rejection that scares me, mostly because I am in a healthy state of mind for the first time in a long time about my body and I don't want to not be anymore because of being rejected.

    If he already knows what he's getting into, I highly doubt you will be rejected. 🤷‍♀️

    ETA- Plus we all have flaws and things we worry about. I'm sure he does as well.
    edited October 17
  • krissy400krissy400 Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member
    MaltedTea wrote: »
    Having your first face-to-face meetup during a global pandemic is fascinating! Be sure to wear your masks 😂 because just as you would protect yourself (and has already been mentioned) you've got your kids to protect as well.

    That goes for physical protection as well as emotional protection.

    Thus far though - based on your account above - he seems to responding as a gentleman would. Remember...

    Flawed are we all! Confidence, realistic positivity, and self-acceptance go a long way in this life.

    All the best for your rendez-vous 🤗

    Yes, the timing is not really ideal 😂 but, the pandemic doesn't seem to be going anywhere and I don't want to miss out on meeting someone great because of covid. Thank you so much for your reply I agree completely, especially with your last statement. I'm not a very superficial or judgy person so sometimes I forget others are shallow and judgy and then the idea of that consumes me.
  • CallMeRuPaulCallMeRuPaul Member Posts: 146 Member Member Posts: 146 Member
    Will you post an update after you see him?
  • ladyzherraladyzherra Member, Premium Posts: 435 Member Member, Premium Posts: 435 Member
    I remember dating as a single mom to a young child. I remember all those fears about my body being rejected by a potential lover.

    You are worthy of love and desire no matter what shape you're in. A person who can feel empowered in their own skin is sexy no matter what. Exude your inner confidence and project your self love and anyone worth your time is going to see your shine and love you right back...if they already also love themselves.
  • springlering62springlering62 Member, Premium Posts: 1,632 Member Member, Premium Posts: 1,632 Member
    You were honest with him. That’s praiseworthy.

    I would bet you dollars to (non calorie laden) donuts that he’s probably beset by similar fears and worries.

    Make sure you meet in a public place, or take friends with you. And because I’m really old, listen to waaaaay too many true crime podcasts, and have developed an annoying habit of looking over my shoulder as a result, monitor him around your kids. Twins could be a magnet to the wrong kind of internet friend.

    And may the heavens bless you both and someday you look back at this post and have a good giggle. Together.
  • krissy400krissy400 Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member
    Will you post an update after you see him?

    Sure! I will let you guys know how it goes ❤️
  • krissy400krissy400 Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member
    Jelaan wrote: »
    You have done an heroic job carrying those twins and delivering them safely. You deserve a person worthy of you and if for some reason he rejects you it is a problem with him NOT you. As we are our own worst critics, I suspect he will be pleasantly surprised when he meets you. As a mother of twins myself, I can tell you that your body will slowly recover. I still have an overlap where one of my sons sat but I consider it a medal :). Enjoy your meeting :).

    Thank you! It's such a weird feeling to try and start dating... Not only are the kids a huge factor and what not but I also was with my ex husband from age 16 to 28 and I have no dating experience 😂. It's so weird and hard to really understand what people are actually looking for. I really appreciate your insight in to body changes after twins..it's been a long road and I'm honest so proud of where I am at now..it's not perfect but it's been so much worse lol.
  • krissy400krissy400 Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member
    muszyngr wrote: »
    take it from someone who's been married for 20 years and with the same crazy woman for 26 (just kidding) first you are very beautiful, second what do men look for in a woman? I will tell you but no women ever listen, and if they listen they don't hear.

    Respect

    Thank you so much! I hope that is the case in this scenario. He is a great guy from what I can tell and honestly seems to be one of the more respectful I have come across (from a woman's perspective). Sometimes some people seem very shallow and it's nerve wracking to be vulnerable with someone.
  • krissy400krissy400 Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member
    ladyzherra wrote: »
    I remember dating as a single mom to a young child. I remember all those fears about my body being rejected by a potential lover.

    You are worthy of love and desire no matter what shape you're in. A person who can feel empowered in their own skin is sexy no matter what. Exude your inner confidence and project your self love and anyone worth your time is going to see your shine and love you right back...if they already also love themselves.

    I LOVE THIS! Thank you so much for this! I think I have said the same thing to others before, but I really needed to hear this.

    I've struggled with my weight and body image for a long time and been back and forth and that's another concern that I have, is dealing with someone who doesn't love me or like me at any shape. True love in my eyes doesn't regard weight as a factor. Thank you again for your kind words ❤️
  • krissy400krissy400 Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member
    You were honest with him. That’s praiseworthy.

    I would bet you dollars to (non calorie laden) donuts that he’s probably beset by similar fears and worries.

    Make sure you meet in a public place, or take friends with you. And because I’m really old, listen to waaaaay too many true crime podcasts, and have developed an annoying habit of looking over my shoulder as a result, monitor him around your kids. Twins could be a magnet to the wrong kind of internet friend.

    And may the heavens bless you both and someday you look back at this post and have a good giggle. Together.

    Thank you so much for your advice! My sister keeps telling me I'm worrying about the wrong things in this situation 😂 you're absolutely right as well, there are definitely other things to remember in this situation rather than worrying about my physical appearance.

    I have an issue with shaming myself for the sake of another person... So I was honest with him but I worry that maybe I wasn't honest enough. I don't know if that is a thing or not. But I won't full out insult myself at this point in my own journey. I've found some peace in the process of getting my body where I'd like it to be and I don't really think anyone is worth disrupting that.

    Thank you again!
  • KickassAmazon76KickassAmazon76 Member Posts: 1,122 Member Member Posts: 1,122 Member
    I don't have any real wisdom for you. I just wanted to say that I hear you. I hear and echo your reservations.

    The idea of getting naked again, of becoming vulnerable again, of revealing my flaws and scars and hoping that they will be accepted and loved... It scares the hell out of me. It takes courage and faith and trust. I hope you've gotten to a place in your relationship where you feel seen by him. And loved.

    I hope that after a year, your relationship is deep enough that you'll feel comfortable instantly. That you'll know he sees you as are perfect as you are.

    Just be careful to be sure you are seeing the real person. Protect yourself and your heart, and especially the hearts of your kids. And remember. You are beautiful, not in spite of your scars... But rather because of them. They are a part of the badass fierce momma bear that makes you you!

    edited October 17
  • lorrpblorrpb Member Posts: 11,347 Member Member Posts: 11,347 Member
    I don’t know how he’ll respond to you, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve given him any reason to think you have a perfect body. (Who does?) But IF he were the kind of person who would become disinterested based only on your appearance, would you really want to be with him? You don’t sound like a superficial person. I also assume you’re aware that online communication can feel very different from what might actually happen in person? Approach this meet up with curiosity and interest to see where things go. Avoid assuming it will be an immediate duplicate of your online personas and that if it doesn’t work out, he’s “rejecting” you.
  • krissy400krissy400 Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member Member, Premium Posts: 11 Member
    I don't have any real wisdom for you. I just wanted to say that I hear you. I hear and echo your reservations.

    The idea of getting naked again, of becoming vulnerable again, of revealing my flaws and scars and hoping that they will be accepted and loved... It scares the hell out of me. It takes courage and faith and trust. I hope you've gotten to a place in your relationship where you feel seen by him. And loved.

    I hope that after a year, your relationship is deep enough that you'll feel comfortable instantly. That you'll know he sees you as are perfect as you are.

    Just be careful to be sure you are seeing the real person. Protect yourself and your heart, and especially the hearts of your kids. And remember. You are beautiful, not in spite of your scars... But rather because of them. They are a part of the badass fierce momma bear that makes you you!

    This is everything ❤️❤️❤️ thank you so much!

    Being vulnerable is incredibly difficult! I feel exactly the same way.
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