Help with managing bad self hate?

muszyngr wrote: »

you're just in a funk we all fall into it at one time or another, please go outside, go for a walk, take it one day at a time and if you think others are judging you or staring I assure you they are not, if I ever see a person who is overweight out on the bike trail or the gym I am so happy and root for them, and I have yet to see anyone be rude or negative in 30 plus years of working out (what I'm saying is it can all be in your head)

I have to admit that I cringed reading this. I think you had good intentions and meant well. But please understand mental illness is real, it is not just a “funk.” Many can be treated and maintain very healthy lives with professional help, support, and personal work. Your post comes off insensitive as “please go outside” is a HUGE and overwhelming thing to manage when someone is saying they have great difficulty even leaving their house. Just please use some reflection before providing a flippant response to someone who is expressing some significant struggles!

@SayNoToCakes I’m from the US, but maybe these links could prove helpful?!

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

Either way, have patience and grace with yourself- you put 2 feet on the ground today! Pat yourself on the back for that! Some days that can prove to be a monumental task that not everyone understands! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 So I applaud you for just getting up and trying your best! Hang in there and be well!!

SayNoToCakes wrote: »

Thank you everyone! I've rang the doctors and I'm put on a lovely waiting list of a year but maybe I will get the counselling at some point.

I'm researching a lot about self love and it's helping. Xx

Be kind and forgiving of yourself and know that you have a very important place in the universe. You are important to many people in your life. It's difficult to be there for them when you're struggling to be there for yourself.
My wish is for you to have a best friend that you can talk your heart out to, someone who can simply listen and not feel the need to give you an answer for everything. Some times we need a strong post to lean on and until you can speak with a therapist(a year???!!! UGH)you need to find somebody to lean on. I truly believe we're not expected to go through this life without support and at certain times, lots of it.
{{HUGS}}

A silly thought and maybe not useful but I wonder if finding a few positive words, an affirmation to tell yourself, whenever terrible negative thoughts enter your mind, would help. Negative self-talk is sooo hard to overcome.
Someone I knew had a terrible self-image because she never felt good enough. In my eyes, she was close to perfection but telling someone that never helps. They have to feel it themselves. Anyways, her mantra became "I am enough".
Wishing you the very best.

Big hugs for you, you're already doing so well. Seriously everything is super *kitten* right now and acknowledging that you're struggling is a great first step.

I feel you, I really do. I struggle with low self esteem and general social anxiety. I've managed fine on my own for years, but then it really flared up in June when I got to the stage that I could barely leave the house, let alone _do_ anything. I really hated myself so much. I also hated the way I looked, I'd started to put on weight around the time my mental health started declining. The fact that many of my clothes didn't fit anymore didn't help because I felt like I deserved to be unhappy with how I looked because I couldn't hack a deficit, because I kept bingeing. I did get myself help, my partner has a scheme through work that allows me free access to counselling for him and family members, my work also has this, but I felt more comfortable using his. It was a bit of a hassle getting it as you have to be quite specific that you wanted counselling, but it has been very helpful. I don't know if anything like this is available for you, but many companies do offer this, but don't actually publicize it very much. I found someone for CBT who was able to see me online. She's helped me work through a lot of my self loathing and given me methods to help me manage.

And honestly, I wasn't able to actually start dealing with my weight until I dealt with how little I liked myself. And this is something that I feel is very important. Your wording suggests that you believe that losing weight will fix at least some of your problems with how you view yourself, but personally from what you've said, I find it hard to believe that that'll be the case. I feel it might more be the other way around: that solving your problems will help you lose weight. I not saying you have to love the size you are now, but you need to be able to forgive yourself for they way you eat, and accept that this is how you look right now. This is how you _are_ right now. It's not perfect, but under the circumstances it's understandable.

As my therapist constantly says to me "put that stick, that you keep beating yourself with, down". So stop punishing yourself by having all your old clothes around, reminding yourself of what size you used to be. If you want to keep them for the future: pack them up and put them away, somewhere you won't see them all the time. Otherwise get rid of them. You don't need to keep punishing yourself by having them there as a constant reminder.

Try an find your other triggers, the things that make you feel bad about yourself. A diary might help in this regard. Just making note of what your thoughts are when you have a bad moment and what happened leading up to that. Remember that it's not always the thing that's just happened that is your trigger, it could be something that happened much earlier that's set you off. Looking back when you're in a better state of mind allows you to see the situation slightly more clearly, and it might become obvious what was the trigger that you couldn't see at the time.

I wish you the best of luck, I really do.

EDIT: I've just read in your profile that you're a full time student: Most universities provide mental health services for students (My university in south wales did when I was there, they had both drop in and long term sessions). It might be faster to get professional help to look and see if your uni provides this, rather than relying on NHS waiting times.

Anya_000 wrote: »

SayNoToCakes wrote: »

Hi all and thank you for your supportive comments.

I have had help with my mental health, at one point I was in and out of hospital due to it and I have had therapy but none of which focused on my binge eating or self hate. I'm desperate to have a counsellor now to deal with the deeper issues but with Covid it's extremely hard, doctors don't really care. I had to fight so hard to receive mental health help in the first instance, they refused me so long until it took 6 suicide attempts for them to even consider me 😔

I absolutely think I have the power to do this but I need to learn how to love myself, how to truly care for myself. How to live life and be happy with myself in order to lose this weight.

"but I need to learn how to love myself, how to truly care for myself"

I agree with the others that professional help would be ideal. And I know during COVID, it's not always possible. I suffered self loathing on a daily basis when I was young. It's paralyzing. Now, as an older person, it's something that happens occasionally. It's like a chronic illness that goes into remission but can be exacerbated by stress, fatigue etc.

During a flareup, when I'm not able to love myself, or even be nice to myself, it's hard to take care of myself. I don't have a therapist now, due to job loss. What I do in the meantime, is act "as if." I act "as if" I love myself, even though I don't. When I'm really paralyzed, I start w baby steps. Like making sure I drink enough water. Then I'll add a short walk everyday, or a stretch. I start w super easy things I can do. Maybe clean a small room. Listen to favorite music. Somehow, by acting as if I love myself those messages make their way through the subconscious, and little by little the painful self hate starts to dissipate. Dealing with self hate is hard and my heart goes out to you. Hang in there.

I am quoting this to follow up with similar advice.

Make a list of all the things you do daily that involve self care no matter how insignificant it may seem. Brushing teeth, drinking water, opening the blinds to let some sun in, whatever. Be aware that these are signs that you do care about yourself. Awareness is important.

Then over time slowly add to the list.

It is not always that actions speak louder than words but sometimes actions have a harder time being misinterpreted if intentionally labeled "I do this for me".