Acquaintance Asked Me to be Accountability Partners?

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24

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  • dragon_girl26
    dragon_girl26 Posts: 2,187 Member
    edited February 2021
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    Yeah, I was going to tell your initial response was nice and you made the right call (I don't like working out with other people either, if they aren't into the same stuff I am. It's just awkward. ). Then I read your follow up and that's...yeah. I have someone who keeps contacting me randomly to "hang out", too, and I keep ignoring it. You're making me think I'm making the right call.
  • Muscleflex79
    Muscleflex79 Posts: 1,917 Member
    edited February 2021
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    thanks for the update! what a crazy situation!
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,906 Member
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    Speakeasy76 wrote: »
    Whoa, sounds like you dodged a bullet with that guy. Poor guy, maybe he's in some "program" where he feels like he needs to make amends to anyone he's ever wronged in his life.

    Hmm.

    Never heard of a financial component to AA Step 9 / making amends though. Seems like someone willing to pay $2,000 has some LEGAL exposure, not just moral, or is in need of real therapy.
  • springlering62
    springlering62 Posts: 7,473 Member
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    Wow. My first thought is it sounds like one of these 48 Hour podcasts I listen to, the ones with all the cliffhangers.
  • lynn_glenmont
    lynn_glenmont Posts: 9,981 Member
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    I just want to say that "Joe" seems like a very decent human being. A lot of people might think, "$1000 just to set up a meeting for workout guy to apologize for something college-girl-now-woman doesn't even remember? Sweet!" but there's all kinds of potential creepy badness potential in workout guy's proposal.
  • lynn_glenmont
    lynn_glenmont Posts: 9,981 Member
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    kshama2001 wrote: »
    Speakeasy76 wrote: »
    Whoa, sounds like you dodged a bullet with that guy. Poor guy, maybe he's in some "program" where he feels like he needs to make amends to anyone he's ever wronged in his life.

    Hmm.

    Never heard of a financial component to AA Step 9 / making amends though. Seems like someone willing to pay $2,000 has some LEGAL exposure, not just moral, or is in need of real therapy.

    I'm not familiar with the details of 12-step programs, but the idea that workout guy might be involved one makes me wonder what these programs say about making amends with someone who wants zero to do with you, arguably with good reason. Surely if someone going through a 12-step program has harmed someone, the injured party ought to have the right to not have anything to do with that person, even if they're trying to apologize and atone.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
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    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    Speakeasy76 wrote: »
    Whoa, sounds like you dodged a bullet with that guy. Poor guy, maybe he's in some "program" where he feels like he needs to make amends to anyone he's ever wronged in his life.

    Hmm.

    Never heard of a financial component to AA Step 9 / making amends though. Seems like someone willing to pay $2,000 has some LEGAL exposure, not just moral, or is in need of real therapy.

    I'm not familiar with the details of 12-step programs, but the idea that workout guy might be involved one makes me wonder what these programs say about making amends with someone who wants zero to do with you, arguably with good reason. Surely if someone going through a 12-step program has harmed someone, the injured party ought to have the right to not have anything to do with that person, even if they're trying to apologize and atone.

    Absolutely right. Part of making amends is understanding that the wronged party doesn’t owe the person in the program anything, not accepting the apology or even listening to it if you have made them uncomfortable enough in the past not to want anything to do with you.
    Should I Try to Make Amends with Someone Who Doesn't Want to Hear from Me?
    No matter how much we feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with us or hear from us is not part of the Steps. When those we've hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends.

    It's important to note that making amends is for the person we hurt. Yes, we partake in the process to "clean up our side of the street," but we do not make amends to clear our conscience or undo our feelings of guilt. If someone does not want to hear from us, we respect that and do our best to move forward with our recoveries.
    https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/making-amends-addiction-recovery
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
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    msalicia07 wrote: »
    I have to say I’m concerned for the woman. She doesn’t remember him, yet he’s willing to pay money to force a connection. Sounds like he may have some obsession with her. For her safety she might need to know these details.

    I agree with this. She needs to be kept in the loop. For whatever reason, this guy is stalking her.
  • lynn_glenmont
    lynn_glenmont Posts: 9,981 Member
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    rheddmobile wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    Speakeasy76 wrote: »
    Whoa, sounds like you dodged a bullet with that guy. Poor guy, maybe he's in some "program" where he feels like he needs to make amends to anyone he's ever wronged in his life.

    Hmm.

    Never heard of a financial component to AA Step 9 / making amends though. Seems like someone willing to pay $2,000 has some LEGAL exposure, not just moral, or is in need of real therapy.

    I'm not familiar with the details of 12-step programs, but the idea that workout guy might be involved one makes me wonder what these programs say about making amends with someone who wants zero to do with you, arguably with good reason. Surely if someone going through a 12-step program has harmed someone, the injured party ought to have the right to not have anything to do with that person, even if they're trying to apologize and atone.

    Absolutely right. Part of making amends is understanding that the wronged party doesn’t owe the person in the program anything, not accepting the apology or even listening to it if you have made them uncomfortable enough in the past not to want anything to do with you.
    Should I Try to Make Amends with Someone Who Doesn't Want to Hear from Me?
    No matter how much we feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with us or hear from us is not part of the Steps. When those we've hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends.

    It's important to note that making amends is for the person we hurt. Yes, we partake in the process to "clean up our side of the street," but we do not make amends to clear our conscience or undo our feelings of guilt. If someone does not want to hear from us, we respect that and do our best to move forward with our recoveries.
    https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/making-amends-addiction-recovery

    Thank you.
  • Theoldguy1
    Theoldguy1 Posts: 2,454 Member
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    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    I just want to say that "Joe" seems like a very decent human being. A lot of people might think, "$1000 just to set up a meeting for workout guy to apologize for something college-girl-now-woman doesn't even remember? Sweet!" but there's all kinds of potential creepy badness potential in workout guy's proposal.

    Yep, "Joe" is a standup individual and $1k wouldn't make a difference in his life, and even if it did, wouldn't take it given the circumstances.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 33,969 Member
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    It just keeps getting weirder.

    :-/
  • qhob_89
    qhob_89 Posts: 105 Member
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    Wow this got wild. Lol

    It’s unfortunate that you and “Joe” got mixed up in this mess. I totally understand someone wanting to make amends or attempt to right a wrong from the past, but it’s concerning that workout guy doesn’t realize that he may be creating more harm by pushing the issue and trying to apologize! College girl, turned woman doesn’t seem to be bothered by the past as she moved on with her life and had to think about what this “wrong” was that he was trying to apologize for. She’s probably more uncomfortable now than she was then! Someone willing to pay $2000 to apologize for a crush that made someone uncomfortable years ago is a little far out. Not a bad idea to reach out to someone more embedded in his life, such as his priest who could possibly help him work through the situation in a healthier way, and try to get out of this strange Lifetime movie...

    Good luck to you and “Joe”, glad you 2 connected and put the pieces together on this!
  • Ddsb11
    Ddsb11 Posts: 607 Member
    edited February 2021
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    Theoldguy1 wrote: »
    msalicia07 wrote: »
    I have to say I’m concerned for the woman. She doesn’t remember him, yet he’s willing to pay money to force a connection. Sounds like he may have some obsession with her. For her safety she might need to know these details.

    I had a conversation with Joe.

    The woman does remember workout guy, but barely, it was 40 years ago and not really a traumatic event in the big picture to her. Workout guy and the woman were in a golf class and got assigned as partners. Apparently workout guy developed a crush on the woman that wasn't mutual. It was making her uncomfortable, she dropped the class and avoided him around campus when possible. "Joe" had actually dated the woman for a couple months in college. They broke it off but remained friends, communicate occasionally and "Joe" and his wife have visited with the woman and her husband. The woman told "Joe" she has no ill will toward workout guy but has no desire to communicate with him. "Joe" mentioned this to workout guy but he "can't find closure".

    In workout guy's email to "Joe" he mentions being a long term member and active in his church. "Joe" and I discussed and I think I'm going to reach out in confidentiality to the priest and ask him if he's noted anything different about workout guy's behavior.

    Hey, thank you for the update! Couple thoughts- What about informing her of the fact he is clearly obsessed? This is her life to decide the proper precautions, not really up to anyone else how to make that call and what to do. I personally would be upset that it wasn’t communicated directly to me but to people around me instead. Food for thought.

    I do think it’s a good idea for people in his circle keep an eye on him though. Sometimes things seem innocent enough until they don’t.

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