Comments about what I eat
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wunderkindking wrote: »penguinmama87 wrote: »wunderkindking wrote: »Honestly, my 'real' problem in life is less commentary on food and more my mother's primary love language being feeding people. I only see her occasionally so not a huge deal, I just eat but man do I understand more about why I was obese now.
I'm an "acts of service" person and it definitely manifests as feeding people too. I don't think it *has* to be a bad thing, but definitely has the potential to be. Not that I'm happy that I've had weird and hurtful comments made to me, but it's definitely taught me to ignore the temptation to make comments about food to others, and to try to not be offended if people don't eat something that I make them, even if they're blatantly rude about it. (The rudeness only happened one time and it still stings a little. I analyzed the situation about a million different ways - probably overkill - and concluded it wasn't on me, the guest was just rude. Oh well.)
For me, I just remember that my showing love, however I do it, is about the act of giving and less about me getting any kind of reward or praise. I try to love unconditionally even in the small things. I think a lot of people offer affection with strings attached, even in family dynamics, and it just makes things super toxic.
(I'm not saying that was your family situation, just musing out loud with your thought as a springboard!)
I absolutely love and adore my mom, to be clear. No resentment there, just realization.
I think for her it's not just that she shows love via feeding, but also that she hinges her self-worth on people eating the food. Not praise, but eating it/not rejecting it, because it feels like a rejection of love to her. She's sincerely hurt if that doesn't happen. Our compromise has worked out to she cooks, I eat, and I *don't* take food home with me. So it's a one meal event a few times a year and okay, rather than dragged out.
I could probably have a more serious discussion with her, but given the geographical distance between us it's just not worth any upset. And it is absolutely an act of love and I value it for that. I just can't take two pies and a cake (real example) home with me. I'm a moderator rather than abstainer but there are limits.
Absolutely perfect approach to take. One fattening meal a few times per year will not throw you off.2 -
tracybear86 wrote: »People really shouldn't comment on other people's food/eating choices. You never know what someone has in their past or is going through now. Having struggled with an eating disorder most of my life it can be very triggering still to have anyone comment on my eating or food choices. My husband is pretty good about it now (17 years together) but it took him quite a while to get used to not making any comments. Not that he said anything really negative but depending on the day the smallest thing can set someone off.
THIS!! I flirted with eating disorder when I was in my teens and twenties. I have no idea why I didn't cross over into that but am grateful I didn't. Still....the obsession with my weight was there and my self worth was totally wrapped up in it.
My parents were actually very modern in their attitudes when I was young. It all started with me being on the pudgy side. Back then, most of the kids were rail thin with bones showing at the joints, I did not have that. The other kids taunted me for being fat in first grade. When I went for a checkup, she talked to the doctor about it and the plan was "no in between meal snacks". If there was an occasional snack or treat, make it something light like a popsicle or jello. The plan was not to "lose weight" but to stay the same and I would thin out as I grew. So we did. My parents never called fat or berated me for eating. They just tried to support me. That didn't work, then we went to me eating 2/3 of portion sizes. That didn't really work either. I remember at that age, what was I, 8? Wishing the doctor could give me a pill that would allow me to eat whatever I wanted and not get fat!! What kind of a thing is that for an 8 year old to wish for? Food had become my enemy by age 8. THAT was with parents who were kind and supportive about helping me manage weight by being active and eating a healthy diet and who never called me names, berated me for what I ate or for not being more active and who never made passive aggressive comments either.
It is really stunning how sensitive we are and how easily we can knocked over into an unhealthy mental state in relation to food and weight. I was pushed to the edge by age 8. It is just dumb luck I didn't develop an eating disorder.3 -
ExpressoLove11 wrote: »OP I totally understand where you are coming from. Just before covid kicked off I moved back in with my parents due to a break up and boy was I shocked at the language used around food and appearance in this house. Please understand I love my father dearly but here are a round up of some of his frequently used comments:
"Wow that's a huge meal!"
"You are a pig".
"Are you really going to eat all of that?"
"Don't you think you need more food? You're so restrictive".
"I saw *insert name* today and she has really put on weight/aged/offended him somehow with appearance".
"You lot just live off of junk".
"Why do you eat so many vegetables? It is weird".
"How come you haven't gone to the gym today?"
"You go to the gym too much".
"You're obsessive about exercise".
"I couldn't eat that it is so bad for you".
"You will get fat".
I don't take any notice of this as an adult but I can certainly understand how my sister and I developed disordered eating habits as teens. I do however flip my *kitten* if he says it to my nieces. Comments on food, weight and appearance are so unnecessary.
Wow, you get it! I love my husband dearly too and he IS very supportive of anything and everything I try to do but he IS kind old school about things. These comments ARE passive aggressive and are annoying.
I am glad you stick up for the nieces.
I am glad you have that support from your husband, even if he doesn't always get it right it sounds like he tries! Reading your responses to other posts I am so pleased you avoided a full blown ED and had supportive non-judgmental parents.
My sister developed bulimia (thankfully now recovered) and I went on to develop binge eating disorder and spend 10 years with someone who forced me to stay inside and eat and then told me I was disgusting because I was fat (because I didn't know that wasn't OK). Just shows how damaging words can be. Beyond grateful and blessed to be where I am now physically and mentally.
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Personally, I brag about what I get to eat...........................any and everything. Most of the time it leaves them jealous. Many can't believe I can eat whatever I want and not be overweight.
Who I CAN'T STAND are food Nazi's who "eat clean" or "healthy" trying to tell me that my food choices aren't the best and that'd I'd excel better if I ate their way. Food snobs. At times like that, I wish I had a pizza or donut to eat in front of them.
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At times like that, I wish I had a pizza or donut to eat in front of them.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
There are reasons I am so loud about 'I ate a candy bar for dinner' on these forums. PS: yesterday I ate cottage cheese, fruit, a candy bar and nutella. It was a lot of cottage cheese and fruit though :P4 -
wunderkindking wrote: »At times like that, I wish I had a pizza or donut to eat in front of them.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
There are reasons I am so loud about 'I ate a candy bar for dinner' on these forums. PS: yesterday I ate cottage cheese, fruit, a candy bar and nutella. It was a lot of cottage cheese and fruit though :P
Half of my dinner one day last week was a 350 calorie cookie (and dam it was good)!4 -
The other day I went to watch "Wrath of Man" and when I go to a theater it's a free for all for me: 2 hot dogs, a nachos with cheese, small popcorn, Milk Duds, all washed down with a diet Coke. One of the gym members saw me there and said, "man that's a lot of food. Who you here with?" my reply : "No one". The look on her face was satisfying.wunderkindking wrote: »At times like that, I wish I had a pizza or donut to eat in front of them.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
There are reasons I am so loud about 'I ate a candy bar for dinner' on these forums. PS: yesterday I ate cottage cheese, fruit, a candy bar and nutella. It was a lot of cottage cheese and fruit though :P
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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I absolutely HATE it when someone, especially my husband, comments on what I am eating. I know I am super sensitive because, when I was a child, weight was an issue and kids are super mean. When I would eat lunch, they'd say things like "no wonder you are so fat". I was eating a sandwich. Kids can be terrible.
Still, I sometimes get comments from my husband about what I am eating. I just hate it! "That's too much salt!" when I am salting my eggs OR "I never eat sweets" when I am having one of my planned sweet treats.
Sure, I could probably lose weight a lot faster if all I ate were lean proteins, fruits and vegetables but I would be super uncomfortable.
I am not the only one this bothers. The company I work for has a staffed fitness center. One of my friends used to work there. He transferred out because he hated that every time he went to lunch, people would be checking out his plate to see what he was eating. "Hey fitness center guy..watcha eating?" He HATED that.
Comments from the peanut gallery about what I am eating are annoying.
How about you?
Yep same. My go to comment is "Are you the food police?"
My husband also has a tendency to buy high calorie "treats" to keep in the house ... and then not eat them for a week or two. Then he'll decide he wants one and if they are gone he will complain about not having any. Then I feel bad about myself because I have trouble moderating those type of foods.
I'm sure a lot of my issues around food stem from my mother's comments. With little kids she equates "cleaning your plate" with being good - then as they get older it shifts to a snide "wow you must have been hungry". I only noticed this as an adult with the grandchildren, but I'm sure that pattern influenced me as a child. But then she is a master of the "double bind" in most situations.1 -
My husband also has a tendency to buy high calorie "treats" to keep in the house ... and then not eat them for a week or two. Then he'll decide he wants one and if they are gone he will complain about not having any. Then I feel bad about myself because I have trouble moderating those type of foods.[/quote]
Lemme guess...he didn't have any younger siblings growing up. I don't know of anyone who grew up with younger siblings who didn't eat the treats before the other siblings ate them.
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That sort of thing is super rude and annoying. I usually reply something snarky like "If I ever need advice on food, I'll be sure to ask you. In the meantime, however, I do not require any assistance." If that doesn't work, the next thing I say is "knock it off! Do I make intrusive remarks on what you eat?"1
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kenyonhaff wrote: »My husband also has a tendency to buy high calorie "treats" to keep in the house ... and then not eat them for a week or two. Then he'll decide he wants one and if they are gone he will complain about not having any. Then I feel bad about myself because I have trouble moderating those type of foods.
Lemme guess...he didn't have any younger siblings growing up. I don't know of anyone who grew up with younger siblings who didn't eat the treats before the other siblings ate them.
[/quote]
Yes he actually is the youngest sibling. Interesting.0
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