I have failed

The pandemic was very good to me - no stress, no classes to teach or events to lead in person, no socializing with friends (which invariably means either eating a meal out or going to an event that includes food). Left home alone most of the time, I could control every bite that went into my mouth and I did great.

In the past 6 weeks, I've gone back to my binge-eating/yo-yo-ing, which I had resolved I would never again do, and I'm hating myself for it! Partly because in-person things are resuming and I am a stress-eater and now have to prepare classes and programs and get places and present them, and partly because my friends are ready to socialize again and want to eat out, and although I do choose from menus in advance, it's harder to control every bite in a restaurant.

I am now up 8 pounds, which is 5 pounds more than what I had set myself as an upper limit. I am logging diligently but terribly upset with myself over putting myself in this place once again, where I have to limit my calories so severely and wait who knows how long till I'm back down where I "belong". It was almost a year of maintaining at this point!

On the positive side, of course, I caught myself and did not blow up again (overall loss was more than 45 lbs) and am taking appropriate steps, but on the negative side, there's the destructive self-talk and the depression over going through this all over again when I'd already spent 15 months on the reducing diet that I had vowed would be my very last one because it was such hard work.

I feel that i have to confess to this group and perhaps will do better being more accountable to others beyond myself, but the self-hatred and the endless cycle leave me unable to believe in myself for the future. Fortunately, I didn't succumb and have caught myself and still can fit into my regular clothes so that maybe others can't really tell while I work back down again, but the revulsion and self-hatred are all too real. I never wanted to experience those again.
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Replies

  • Hollis100
    Hollis100 Posts: 1,410 Member

    In the past 6 weeks, I've gone back to my binge-eating/yo-yo-ing, which I had resolved I would never again do, and I'm hating myself for it! Partly because in-person things are resuming and I am a stress-eater and now have to prepare classes and programs and get places and present them, and partly because my friends are ready to socialize again and want to eat out, and although I do choose from menus in advance, it's harder to control every bite in a restaurant.

    I hear you and wish you the best. Many of us are dealing with the same problems.

    About eating out with friends. Can you try something different? Perhaps find a diplomatic way to tell your friends you have a food/health problem and have to limit what you eat. Don't eat a meal in a restaurant. Eat before you go so you aren't hungry. Only have coffee, tea or some other low-calorie drink plus a salad with dressing on the side. You can socialize while you have the drink and take your time to eat the salad. It might feel like going against the flow, but if you do this every time, people will accept it.

    Another option is to socialize over something not food-related, perhaps a walk to look at the autumn leaves.

  • I don’t know ur binge restrict history but as you have started a post about it I’m assuming it’s troubling you. Therapy might help to figure it out. If this is ur default way of controlling ur weight then it might be best to get professional help to work out a better way.
  • Strudders67
    Strudders67 Posts: 959 Member
    Sorry to hear that that happened to you.

    It sounds like you know what you need to do to get back on track with your weight. It's hard to see your weight go up more than you'd like but, as others have said, I wouldn't call an 8lb gain a failure. We all fluctuate, hence many in maintenance have a range of 10lbs that they'll accept before thinking they need to do something.

    Re the social side of things, can you plan ahead? Many of us work to weekly averages rather than eating a set number of calories a day. If I know I'm going out on a Friday night, and it'll involve wine or a meal (or both), I'll eat a little less earlier in the week, bulking up my meals with even more veg, salad and protein than normal, so that my net calories for the week are in line with where I'd want them to be. That may be worth considering.
  • mjglantz
    mjglantz Posts: 449 Member
    @mylittlerainbowmy writes: "On the positive side, of course, I caught myself and did not blow up again (overall loss was more than 45 lbs) and am taking appropriate steps, but on the negative side, there's the destructive self-talk and the depression over going through this all over again when I'd already spent 15 months on the reducing diet that I had vowed would be my very last one because it was such hard work."

    I'd say you should give yourself a round of applause! And please don't hate yourself. It is hard to lose weight and hard to keep it off and you've succeeded at that. You slipped back in to some habits that don't serve you well and you realize it. Yay!

    You are getting lots of good advice here and hopefully you'll take it and figure out what will work for you. When I've gone a little high on my maintenance range I really don't do much differently. I do continue to track and I really stay right at or a little below more calorie goal. Make sure to get in my exercise, may up the cardio a little. Figured I lost the weight slowly so I'll get right back on track just the same way.
    You can do it!
  • 425Recess
    425Recess Posts: 168 Member
    There are a lot of good suggestions here and you get a big "way to go" from me too for catching things so quickly.
    What hit a nerve in me was the statement "I was so smug - I've conquered this." That was me too. I found it a necessary lesson to learn. I have had enough ups and downs over the years now to quench my smugness. I am still a little proud that the ups and downs are now very small but I still make mistakes, learn from them and not punish myself for it. Sorry about the canceled project. That was a big blow.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 25,610 Member
    Thank you all. Yes, I recognize the binge-eating. We have no need to go through my whole childhood, but it became a coping mechanism for me, easier to deal with the feelings it caused than with the underlying problems in my real life instead. And yes, I've had years of therapy and have also belonged to E.A.T. and have understanding from that perspective as well. As a result, I have not had many binges in a lot of years. But something terrible happened about 6 weeks ago that yanked the rug out from under me - a project to which I'd devoted my entire summer, including a huge fee at the end, which was cancelled with no alternatives even considered at nearly the last minute. Sent me off the deep end. Another victim of the pandemic, of which I'm heartily sick anyway...

    That stinks about your project :(

    Obviously I may not have enough details to comment, but you may have some options to recoup your fee:

    1. If you paid with a credit card you may be able to dispute it with your CC company, seeing how you paid for something you did not receive.
    2. Here in Massachusetts, our Attorney General comes onto a local talk radio show periodically and is always mentioning how her office has a division that helps consumers recoup Covid cancellation expenses.
  • SummerSkier
    SummerSkier Posts: 3,382 Member
    How is the first week going @mylittlerainbow ? I am sure you got this!!!! You are such a strong and intelligent woman.

    (PS would be interested in understanding the disagrees to my first post just for the benefit of hearing differing opinions and not for argument)
  • Lietchi
    Lietchi Posts: 3,998 Member
    edited October 2021

    (PS would be interested in understanding the disagrees to my first post just for the benefit of hearing differing opinions and not for argument)

    I wasn't one of the disagreeers, but reading your post, the thing that stood out to me was your suggestion to eat 1400 calories. That number seems very specific considering we don't know much at all about the OP (height, weight, activity level,...) so that number may or may not be appropriate.
  • Hollis100
    Hollis100 Posts: 1,410 Member
    Lietchi wrote: »

    (PS would be interested in understanding the disagrees to my first post just for the benefit of hearing differing opinions and not for argument)

    I wasn't one of the disagreeers, but reading your post, the thing that stood out to me was your suggestion to eat 1400 calories. That number seems very specific considering we don't know much at all about the OP (height, weight, activity level,...) so that number may or may not be appropriate.

    Yes, we have the OP's height and weight -- see above (I think I can paste it here).

    I am 5'0" tall and have a small frame. I will limit myself to 1200 calories despite the advice above from Bon. At 1400 calories, along with working out, I stay balanced in the range 95-97 pounds. I actually gain at that amount if I don't work out. I had to eat at 1000 calories per day in order to lose weight; 1200 is the most I can eat in a day and lose weight. I know that from this 15 months of reducing and then the year of maintaining. So I will do 1200 calories per day and exercise and let it go off pretty slowly at that level. The important thing is to get myself under control without feeling that my life must be rigidly restricted for the remainder of my days. That, as I know, is an invitation to disaster. Thank you all again.

  • Lietchi
    Lietchi Posts: 3,998 Member
    edited October 2021
    Hollis100 wrote: »
    Lietchi wrote: »

    (PS would be interested in understanding the disagrees to my first post just for the benefit of hearing differing opinions and not for argument)

    I wasn't one of the disagreeers, but reading your post, the thing that stood out to me was your suggestion to eat 1400 calories. That number seems very specific considering we don't know much at all about the OP (height, weight, activity level,...) so that number may or may not be appropriate.

    Yes, we have the OP's height and weight -- see above (I think I can paste it here).

    I am 5'0" tall and have a small frame. I will limit myself to 1200 calories despite the advice above from Bon. At 1400 calories, along with working out, I stay balanced in the range 95-97 pounds. I actually gain at that amount if I don't work out. I had to eat at 1000 calories per day in order to lose weight; 1200 is the most I can eat in a day and lose weight. I know that from this 15 months of reducing and then the year of maintaining. So I will do 1200 calories per day and exercise and let it go off pretty slowly at that level. The important thing is to get myself under control without feeling that my life must be rigidly restricted for the remainder of my days. That, as I know, is an invitation to disaster. Thank you all again.

    You're right, we got the info later on, but it wasn't in the OP, which the post with the disagrees was reacting to, so at that point it was premature to be so specific.
    That's just my possible explanation for the disagrees.
  • Hollis100
    Hollis100 Posts: 1,410 Member
    Lietchi wrote: »
    You're right, we got the info later on, but it wasn't in the OP, which the post with the disagrees was reacting to, so at that point it was premature to be so specific.
    That's just my possible explanation for the disagrees.

    I understand what you're saying now. I wish people who disagree would explain why, but they usually don't. I also think some people will disagree with anything.

  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 32,266 Member
    Lietchi wrote: »

    (PS would be interested in understanding the disagrees to my first post just for the benefit of hearing differing opinions and not for argument)

    I wasn't one of the disagreeers, but reading your post, the thing that stood out to me was your suggestion to eat 1400 calories. That number seems very specific considering we don't know much at all about the OP (height, weight, activity level,...) so that number may or may not be appropriate.

    That and the fact that SS's post says, "Don't weigh for a month." That seems to be an odd suggestion to me. A month?? And then step on the scale and hope it's on a down day? Or??...