*Confession* I have come so far but I hold myself back with secret eating!
nay0m3
Posts: 178 Member
This is me. I am so proud. I have worked my a** off and most of the time, I feel incredible..but there is shame from the fact I eat in secret at times. I nail my macros and my lifting but I will find myself in the evening, as I prep my lunch for the next day and my boyfriend is showering, that I sneak food some times. Usually it is spoonfuls of peanut butter as I eat all natural and my boyfriend won't touch it so I know he won't know it is missing. This is impacting my ability to lose the fat I want to lose in my lower half AND it is impacting how I feel about myself. I know there is some psychological reason for me doing this and I am curious if anyone has insights or experience with similar behavior? My boyfriend is super fit and naturally lean so can eat whatever he wants and I have to really focus on my eating to stay fit and healthy. He has no body shame and prances around in his underwear and I feel self conscious at times and definitely have body shame.
Thoughts anyone? Anyone else feeling me?
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Replies
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I have to ask the obvious question...Does he body-shame you?
I ask because of this:as I prep my lunch for the next day and my boyfriend is showering, that I sneak food some times. Usually it is spoonfuls of peanut butter as I eat all natural and my boyfriend won't touch it so I know he won't know it is missing.
I'm having trouble understanding why he would care (or if he's commenting on) your eating...it seems like you are operating from some place of fear of him finding out you ate a spoonful of PB.12 -
No he does not body shame me. He's super supportive. He did have this pinterest board before we met of super fit women who he admires and I think I still feel like that is his ideal and I will never measure up so maybe I am self sabotaging? It's not his fault. I definitely have some body dysmorphia type thinking at times.
His ex wife gained a lot of weight when they were married and I think he secretly is afraid I will do the same, even though he doesn't full own this, so he doesn't offer me dessert which I would normally turn down anyway but I let him know I just want to be included and to make my own decision. He has gotten better about this, which I really appreciate.
I know this is a mind thing and I am just trying to conquer it. I will not do this for a week or so and then find myself doing it.9 -
A spoonful of peanut butter is what? 100-150 calories? That's not going to cause you to gain weight. Even if you did it every day, you could stop if you gained out of your comfort zone. I have a five pound range and I don't have trouble staying in that five pounds as long as I'm eating mostly whole foods and stepping on that body-weight scale daily ( or a few times per week at least. ) That's worked for me for 14 years since I lost my weight.
You're not going to balloon up without knowing it. I always figure if I'm really craving peanut butter, I have the peanut butter instead of making it, "naughty." Naughty things are irresistible psychologically to me.
You're okay.7 -
I totally know I am not going to balloon up, nor have I, but I do see that it is not allowing me to progress to the next level, not to mention, I feel ashamed of the fact I do this and would like to stop.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
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You look fit and beautiful, eat the peanut butter and enjoy it. It's good for you.8
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He did have this pinterest board before we met of super fit women who he admires and I think I still feel like that is his ideal and I will never measure up so maybe I am self sabotaging?
You don't need to measure up or compare yourself to anybody. You are precious. Your boyfriend is with you not with the pinterest pictures. Don't be afraid to eat in front of him. And don't be ashamed. When you do it openly then this little habit will go away. It's apsychological fear.
I did it before. And also peanut butter 👊 But once when I stopped to hide it it went away.3 -
I think you look amazing, would love to have those arm muscles!
It sounds to me as if you are legitimately hungry. You are at a healthy weight, and being at a competition level of bodyfat isn’t sustainable for anyone for any length of time, or even healthy. Are you sure “the next level” is really a laudable goal?12 -
I can totally relate to the secret eating. In my mind I rationalized it as "no one will ever know so what does it matter". If I ran to get food, I would order food for my husband and myself plus an extra item or two to shovel down my throat before I got home so it would only look like I was eating a little bit. I was also guilty of the peanut butter on a spoon, maybe a couple times a day. That was all what feels like forever ago. I got control over it by just tough love on myself and pre logging my food on here and sticking to what I logged. I no longer sneak food!
As of tomorrow my husband and I will have been married 10 years and I'm still trying to get down to the weight I was when I first married him. I gained about 20 lbs in our 10 years married, which on a short body like mine has made me hate my body. Luckily I realized my weight gain early to stop it before it really got out of control.9 -
cmriverside wrote: »A spoonful of peanut butter is what? 100-150 calories? That's not going to cause you to gain weight. Even if you did it every day, you could stop if you gained out of your comfort zone. I have a five pound range and I don't have trouble staying in that five pounds as long as I'm eating mostly whole foods and stepping on that body-weight scale daily ( or a few times per week at least. ) That's worked for me for 14 years since I lost my weight.
You're not going to balloon up without knowing it. I always figure if I'm really craving peanut butter, I have the peanut butter instead of making it, "naughty." Naughty things are irresistible psychologically to me.
You're okay.
I've been in maintenance for like 10 years now. I'm like 20% body fat. I'd like to be 15%, but I'm not sure I will be again (I'm 57).
When I'm a serious deficit, I crave peanut butter. It's my body usually telling me that I'm dropping too fast. My "red line" is around 198. I've been 195/194 recently, so under my red line. The other night, I was dying of hunger and ate like 6 TBS of Peanut Butter. The wife said something like, "why don't you just eat the whole jar...". I replied, "I *kitten* might..." and that was that.
When I was at my heaviest, my wife would say things like, "you don't need that fat boy...". I'm in much better shape than her now. I eat whatever the hell I want within reason.
I had dental surgery last week and have had a very hard time eating solid or chewy foods. I'm at 192 or so now (not exaggerating when I say I'm shredded at 187 or so), so I've dropped 3 lbs in around a week. So my body knew what it was doing.
You look fantastic. You seem like you're moving the bar on what you perceive to be perfection and not obtaining it. That's a slippery slope.7 -
It sounds like you are afraid that if you gain weight, your boyfriend will leave you, or at the least stop thinking you're hot. Do you think that that was why his marriage ended? If so, I would be afraid too. But I like to think I would never get involved with someone who cares only how I look and not how I feel. Having to hide your eating, or indeed, having to hide anything from the person you are closest to, is a relationship red flag. You should be able to be yourself, whether that's a size 2 or a size 20, and still know you are loved. You should be able to eat dessert without being afraid of disparaging remarks or unspoken contempt. Yes, we all want to be the best we can be, but understand that circumstances can change so that being thin and fit may not always be possible. Do you want to be afraid that your partner will leave if that happens?12
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You look awesome, by the way! I understand what you are saying, as someone who has struggled with secret eating for years (although don't do it very much at all, now).
Mine originated from a super-strict diet I went on at age 14 (I'm 45 now, if that tells you anything). I got down to as low as 500 calories per day, which eventually lead to me bingeing on everything in sight when I got home from school as I hadn't eaten all day. Of course I was so ashamed because I lost all this weight so "shouldn't" be eating those things, and definitely not the way I was eating them. No one was making me feel ashamed (like your boyfriend), it was my own shame that caused me to eat in secret. Since that time, anytime I would attempt to lose weight I would almost always end up secret eating at some point. What's interesting is that when I go to visit my mom, I will secret eat cereal sometimes...which is what I secret ate a lot as a teenager.
It sounds like either you are eating enough trying to reach a goal that can be really difficult to obtain, not to mention sustain once you get there. It also sounds like you are pretty critical of yourself and/or worried that your boyfriend won't like you anymore if you do gain some weight. Personally, the more I focus on a body part I don't like, I'll try to "be good" to fix it...which ultimately leads to me overeating at some point. If I had a super-fit boyfriend that I knew had an ex-wife that gained a bunch of weight, I'd feel self conscious around him (even though I've gotten to a decently fit level) It also would make me want to eat super-healthy around him, but because I'm human, I would eventually cave and want to eat more junk. Seeing as how you may be worried about him not wanting you to gain weight, it makes sense to me that you would hide it from him. Other than the secret eating (which I understand and relate to), do you feel you can be completely open and your authentic self around him?
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I look at your image and I see one of the women on my pinterest boards, not my precise end goal but definitely someone who looks like they've done the hard yards to get to their goals. You look ah-mazing - check out your muscle definition! No "bingo-wings" (ugh I hate that term). Honestly, a therapist might help you to work through why you feel the need to hide the fact you ate a spoonful of peanut butter.
*If you really really need to lose some extra weight, might I suggest the current weight of your boyfriend?11 -
Can you talk to your boyfriend about these thoughts and feelings? If not, can you talk to a friend? I sense you have shame and fear around this stuff.9
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cupcakesandproteinshakes wrote: »Can you talk to your boyfriend about these thoughts and feelings? If not, can you talk to a friend? I sense you have shame and fear around this stuff.
This... and one more question that would come to mind for me, since you said your BF is very supportive. Do you think you would feel this way if you were single?
I'm not suggesting dump the BF, just that you might feel like you are doing it for him rather than doing it for yourself. And that might add that "pressure" of wanting to look 100% on track and in control all the time.
And I also agree with the others... you've earned some peanut butter, so eat it. Balance the jar on your bicep, walk in, and tell your bf you're getting ready to get a few big spoonfuls and see what he says? Maybe he wants some too! You certainly have nothing to be ashamed of that anyone else can see, so don't drive yourself to extremes over food.8 -
two things.. 1. maybe? don't keep peanut butter in the house if it is your "go to" cheat. for whatever reason. If you don't have the trigger foods ..you can't eat them
2. I used to tear off pieces of bread real quick out of a loaf of bread and smear butter from the fridge. All the time in response to my domineering husband. It took me gaining weight and looking at my behaviors to realize I felt out of control..and eating that wad of bread with butter was my way of coping. I have no idea if maybe this is what you could be doing.. just thought I'd share. But, once I realized why.. I could stop doing it.
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OP I just realised that you put a post up on the gaining forum about bulking and fear of gaining.
I don’t know you but I’m sensing some inner turmoil that may need some work on your part. Your post here says you want to lose fat in your lower half. But you have also been considering a bulk. You can’t do both things at once. I know you probably realise this.
I wonder if some therapy may help unpick things. As well as speaking to your partner.
How about you focus on lifting for a few months and maintaining your weight? I can’t recall how long you have been weight training for but recomp may be eminently possible if you are new or newish to strength training. It’s what I did for 3 years. It allowed me to step away from the crap inside my head about being too fat and just get on with my life.8 -
I’m going to kind of bounce around here.
Not to slam your boyfriend, but any guy who keeps a Pinterest board of attractive women, to me, is only looking at and interested in the surface. Plus it smacks of outright creepiness, disrespect, and more, imho. I’d be unbelievably hurt if I knew my husband was doing something like that. But, that’s my opinion. I know my own comfort level.
I have also worked (literally) my *kitten* off and gotten similar results to you. I have a pretty darn good idea of the level of work you’re putting in.
To be clear, I don’t consider it “work” anymore. I love everything I do, and anytime I consider cutting back I’m at a loss. It’d be like giving away one of my pets at this point. Who do I like the least? Ummm no.
What kind of calories are you running? I’m 5’7”, 133 pounds and currently 2500 per day.
It’s not enough. In the advice of both my beloved and wise trainer and the Aetna “phone consult” dietician I’m working with, I am increasing my calories, and way increasing protein above levels that are already pretty high. I’ve gone from an average of 2300 to 2500 with absolutely no effect on my weight. Zero. So I’m taking it up again.
Your secret eating, if it’s not something you’ve done in the past, may be a simple biological response to your body demanding more nutrition.
Maybe instead of eating in secret, just explain (not that you owe any explanation) to your boyfriend, that you’re increasing your calories.
My other question to you is, are you exercising so much because you enjoy it, or because you enjoy the results, or are you doing it to please him? If the latter, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.
My wonderful husband loved me from my underweight to over to outright obese for several decades and back again. If he ever thought about about thinner fitter women, he sure never let me know. We’ve been married 37 years so he’s had ample opportunity.
That’s what makes a keeper.11 -
@coryhart4389 Thank you for your thoughts! I do enjoy peanut butter! It's delicious but I don't enjoy the feeling of hiding it. There is something more going on there for me to figure out!
@al0481113 Thank you for helping me to feel as though I am not alone in this behavior! We are all so precious! I need to remember this for myself
@rheddmobile Many thanks! I am really proud of how hard I work and how consistent I am and who I am. I love your question because I ask myself that and wonder what is it I am seeking? Similar to what @MikePfirrman said...am I moving the bar? Will I ever be happy with what I have achieved?
@MikePfirrman Gosh--how did you endure your wife saying that to you? How did you stay with her when she spoke to you that way? So interesting how you just listen to your body. Congrats on all your progress!
@spiriteagle99 His marriage ended for many reasons but the weight of his wife was more because they were not aligned in terms of their lives--he's very active and she wasn't and that created distance. That is not an issue with us. He never puts me down for eating something but he does body shame his mom to me and that is hard and I have talked about this with him. I don't like body shame of any kind! Everyone has their own path and I don't want to judge. Interestingly enough, I was 20 pounds heavier when we met and he loved me just the same. He is just so happy that I lift now and to have a partner to live life with common interests together enjoying the moments. It's not his fault I am doing this but there is definitely a fear for me that I need to talk with him more about. It's scary to be so vulnerable though!
@Speakeasy76 thank you It feels great to be understood and know you have struggled as well at times! I do completely feel comfortable being my authentic self and we have been working on making our relationship better and having more open conversations so I think I may need to just share all this. Brene Brown says shining the light on our shame gremlins helps them go away. 
@sheahughes NOPE work hard every day to keep the bingo wings at bay! *smile* Lifting weights has been such a journey not only of the physical transformation but for my mind to grow as well! What are your goals? Feel free to connect with me on here if you want to! Thank you for saying I am like a woman on your pinterest board!! My lower body is what needs the love. Getting there!
@cupcakesandproteinshakes I love your advice of just focusing on lifting and not worrying so much about my body and my idea of the flaws I have. I am so wanting to get my lower body to match my upper body and I am hard on myself. I have been lifting for 1 1/2 years. I did consider bulking but after 4 days or so, I knew I was not mentally in a place to do so. I also just like how I look for the most part but thought bulking and cutting would get me the look I want in my legs. Why ruin what I have worked so hard for? That is why I am sticking to just slowly recomping the best I can. Thank you
@robertw486 You got me laughing as I picture a peanut butter chow fest! I truly am doing this for myself. I was super fit before, gained about 35 pounds and then lost it through nutrition and cardio then found the joy of lifting! He is great to have as a partner to keep me motivated and to know I won't slip back into healthy behaviors. The hard work that goes into this--I never want to have to go back! I am keeping what I have earned!
@elisa123gal I do not keep junk food in the house so there is no temptation and I just don't feel good when I eat it. The peanut butter...I guess I could not have it in the house but I would just eat something else I am sure! It's not the peanut butter--it's the why the heck am I hiding this? Is it that my body truly is hungry as some other people suggest? Is there some passive aggressive behavior towards my boyfriend? Self sabotage towards myself? Fears? I know it is probably a combination of all! Just wanted to be open here and share and see if other people had the same struggles so I don't feel so crazy!3 -
@springlering62 OMG I love you!!! 37 years WOW!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!
To be clear, he kept this board when he was first divorced and yes, it creeps me out in a way too but he got rid of it as soon as I expressed my feelings about it. He truly loves me for me but I do know and he has admitted he would be disappointed if I gained weight (I am talking 30+ pounds as he did love me 20 pounds heavier already!) but it would be more that he is disappointed I likely wouldn't be able to keep up with him hiking and such. I think he fears the disconnect more than the weight.
I am 43 years old, 5'3" weight 130-135 (it fluctuates here for the past 1 year) and eat 1850 for calories. I lift heavy 4 times a week and a day of dedicated cardio and cardio mixed in small doses on the other days when I can.
I told him I wanted to try a bulk and cut and he was fine with it and said he trusts me. I don't think I am the one who can handle it though.
I am doing it because I love it. I have always been active and athletic. It's the best to have someone who brings this out in me honestly and I am super grateful for his partnership in this way!
Thank you for responding and helping!!!1 -
I just wanted to add that probably within an hour of posting my response here, I had to go get myself a mega spoonful of peanut butter! My ONLY regret is that I didn't have any chocolate to go with it. Sometimes we have to cut ourselves some slack. I'll be the first to admit that at times I'll have a morning of hard cardio so I can hit a micro brewery and food trucks with plenty of calories to deal with. A day without spot on macros isn't going to hurt us any more than that peanut butter. 3
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It comes down to....tell the truth or don't lie to yourself, something like that. If I lie to myself the foundation that I forged is weakened and the truth is diminished which then leaks out into the real world where truth is obscured and can effect performance, commitment, integrity and ultimately the validity of consciousness. Anyway, lol we do what we want most of the time without thinking about the repercussions. imo4
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neanderthin wrote: »It comes down to....tell the truth or don't lie to yourself, something like that. If I lie to myself the foundation that I forged is weakened and the truth is diminished which then leaks out into the real world where truth is obscured and can effect performance, commitment, integrity and ultimately the validity of consciousness. Anyway, lol we do what we want most of the time without thinking about the repercussions. imo
I totally get what you’re saying.
That’s why my food diary- which is open- is brutally honest. Every time I think “but what if someone sees it???!!!😱” I remember, I need to see it, in all its ugliness or not.
If the data is skewed by vanity or self deceit, it serves no purpose and why even bother?
Seeing the hard truth and not lying to yourself doesn’t preclude forgiving yourself, though.7 -
I think all of us sabotage ourselves sometimes, or do something WE think is bad. We are our own worst critics, and something not really that bad, can make us feel ashamed... all things WE need to work out.
I think the only concern is that your shame comes from a feeling that you boyfriend is why you are ashamed.. he is very fit, so maybe you feel YOU should be AS fit. You are clearly working out, and doing pretty good.. in the photo, you have arms I would love to see on myself. I think you are proud of that, as you should be, but you feel your lower body isn't up to snuff, because women tend to store more weight there, and if you just had more willpower, you could lose another 5 lbs, and tone up that area of your body.
As personal goals, I think a person can be very strict, and hard on themselves, and it still be a healthy thing. Most of us don't do this. For example, I simply want to reach 160, and be lean. Hopefuly, with some muscle tone, but health is most important for me.
You should be doing it for yourself though, and it shouldn't matter to your boyfriend, and if YOU feel it does matter, then that is a problem. Even if you beat yourself up about the Tbsp. of p.b., you should at least do it out in the open. It sounds a lot like you THINK it would be an issue for your boyfriend.
I was skimming the posts, and I think one said something about his first wife gaining weight, and you worry he is concerned you would too. ??
So the question is.. if you somehow gained 100 lbs. would he be OK with that? You would still be you. So why would your weight matter to anyone but you? It is only 1 aspect of who you are.
If the issue is just you being hard on yourself, you can still do that, and most of us do, but be open about it, instead of secretive. Work on eating less peanut butter, if that is your goal, but do it for yourself, and do NOT feel shame or guilt, if you decide to go ahead and have some peanut butter. Disappoinment is normal, when we feel we failed at a goal, but it happens, and we just aim to do better in the future. It shouldn't have any bearing on the rest of your life, or relationships.. percieved or real.. even if you imagine your boyfrined might have an issue, you might want to clear that up, and be 100% sure, it would NOT be an issue, so whatever you feel... you know WHY you feel that way.
Good Luck. You seem to be doing well, as you said, most of the time, and look healthy, so just deal with this, and enjoy life. Even if it means a Tbsp. of peanut butter every so often.
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Thanks for asking what my goals are, I want to be fitter - I am happy if I keep to the 67-68kg I currently am (160cm high, 36 years old) (technically about 5kg to go from overweight BMI to healthy BMI) but recomp - so stronger in general, be nice to flex and show off a bit but honestly I would like to be able to get up off the floor gracefully (is it a possibility?), mount my horse without my current boing boing boing before dragging myself up in to the saddle and also run a kilometre or five straight.
Things that just require more strength and fitness than what I am currently at. Not having to do the skinny jeans dance would also be nice but I have been blessed with a lovely booty and thighs that could crush a man.
I hope I didn't hurt you with my comment regarding losing the boyfriend's weight - sometimes we can be our biggest enemy.
You really truly look fit and fiiiiiine! Hot damn, ma'am. Seriously, you are some serious strength eye-candy.1 -
Hey I think it's important to consider your own feelings here about secret eating - I had a major problem with this in my teens and I still do it to some extent today (although on the order of a 100cals here and there rather 1000!).
Are you hiding it from your boyfriend or from yourself? If it's from yourself (i.e you are not tracking it) then start tracking it, it will either make you realise that your minor indulgences don't actually have that big an impact and you can stop worrying about it, or you will realise that it's too frequent/too much and that it is something you might want to stop. If you are tracking it, then maybe you are just a bit hungrier than you thought and there are other things you could have to fill yourself up? I definitely have a tendency to under eat and then catch up eat with calories that could have been better spent elsewhere!
Also, eating at deficit for a long time is hard work. Diet breaks are worth considering although I know it can be hard to consider upping calories when you still want to lose fat!
If you're hiding it from your boyfriend, then that's a whole other issue which lots of people have commented on already.
Edit: don't forget hormones, stress and sleep and a whole other number of things could influence the chance that you indulge!
I agree with the post that said to focus on lifting and not on your weight. Strength is a much more positive thing to associate with and have goals around 1 -
@springlering62 and @Jacq_qui I am NOT tracking this, but I diligently track otherwise (besides weekends when I typically don't track) So I am hiding this from myself....I agree I need to start getting this documented and seeing the impact. I do wonder if I need to eat more!
I am hiding it from my boyfriend, too, technically, since I am not being honest with myself and doing it when he isn't around. But it isn't him really that I am hiding from, despite what others think. It's more like I shouldn't be doing this so there is shame there from anyone, not him specifically. When I was younger, and single, I would buy a package of cookies and eat a ton and then throw the rest out because I was so disgusted with myself. I guess I have a tendency to binge at times. It is mostly around the time of my period when I get really ravenous!
@sheahughes we are the same height and I am 7 years older and a bit lighter and I am happy to help however I can if you want to connect with me! Thank you for the comments too LOL I wasn't sure what you meant by lose my boyfriend's weight..you mean dump him? LOL
@russellholtslander hmmm I don't think he would love me 100 pounds heavier but I also wouldn't love myself. That is not the life I want to live for myself. Not that there is anything wrong with it if that is someone's choice but for me, I love the things I am able to do by devoting time to care for my body as it is my most precious possession. I hope that makes sense.
@neanderthin Integrity. I like this. That is what this is about for me. I need to get honest and truthful and face things as they are and maybe I just want some damn peanut butter and then I just need to account for it.
Thank you all! Continuing to reflect and grow on this!3 -
If you know you binge around the time of your period, budget extra calories for that time - people are different but a few extra carbs can really make many people feel better. If you budget it in advance you won’t feel so out of control, and it won’t be “cheating,” just eating. I have a custom exercise entry I use for sick days, and other days when I need to eat at maintenance, so my MFP diary stays balanced and I don’t have to get scolded by an app.4
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I am an engineer by trade, so linear thinking and normally based on data. It would seem to me that you should eat what you want and just honestly log it. You cant lie to yourself, and you are the only one who really cares about what you eat. How can you make good decisions if you do not have all the information. Weight monitoring and dietary intake is very much modeled like a simple machine with the fuel coming in and the energy going out. Surplus is fat supply. A deficit uses fat supply. You have a super strong handle on that to get to be where you are at now. I would suggest to eat it and log it. You know there is a psychological thing going on, how does that change if you just log it? Emotionally, that is putting it out in the open. How does that change your feelings / cravings?2
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