I have failed
mylittlerainbow
Posts: 822 Member
The pandemic was very good to me - no stress, no classes to teach or events to lead in person, no socializing with friends (which invariably means either eating a meal out or going to an event that includes food). Left home alone most of the time, I could control every bite that went into my mouth and I did great.
In the past 6 weeks, I've gone back to my binge-eating/yo-yo-ing, which I had resolved I would never again do, and I'm hating myself for it! Partly because in-person things are resuming and I am a stress-eater and now have to prepare classes and programs and get places and present them, and partly because my friends are ready to socialize again and want to eat out, and although I do choose from menus in advance, it's harder to control every bite in a restaurant.
I am now up 8 pounds, which is 5 pounds more than what I had set myself as an upper limit. I am logging diligently but terribly upset with myself over putting myself in this place once again, where I have to limit my calories so severely and wait who knows how long till I'm back down where I "belong". It was almost a year of maintaining at this point!
On the positive side, of course, I caught myself and did not blow up again (overall loss was more than 45 lbs) and am taking appropriate steps, but on the negative side, there's the destructive self-talk and the depression over going through this all over again when I'd already spent 15 months on the reducing diet that I had vowed would be my very last one because it was such hard work.
I feel that i have to confess to this group and perhaps will do better being more accountable to others beyond myself, but the self-hatred and the endless cycle leave me unable to believe in myself for the future. Fortunately, I didn't succumb and have caught myself and still can fit into my regular clothes so that maybe others can't really tell while I work back down again, but the revulsion and self-hatred are all too real. I never wanted to experience those again.
In the past 6 weeks, I've gone back to my binge-eating/yo-yo-ing, which I had resolved I would never again do, and I'm hating myself for it! Partly because in-person things are resuming and I am a stress-eater and now have to prepare classes and programs and get places and present them, and partly because my friends are ready to socialize again and want to eat out, and although I do choose from menus in advance, it's harder to control every bite in a restaurant.
I am now up 8 pounds, which is 5 pounds more than what I had set myself as an upper limit. I am logging diligently but terribly upset with myself over putting myself in this place once again, where I have to limit my calories so severely and wait who knows how long till I'm back down where I "belong". It was almost a year of maintaining at this point!
On the positive side, of course, I caught myself and did not blow up again (overall loss was more than 45 lbs) and am taking appropriate steps, but on the negative side, there's the destructive self-talk and the depression over going through this all over again when I'd already spent 15 months on the reducing diet that I had vowed would be my very last one because it was such hard work.
I feel that i have to confess to this group and perhaps will do better being more accountable to others beyond myself, but the self-hatred and the endless cycle leave me unable to believe in myself for the future. Fortunately, I didn't succumb and have caught myself and still can fit into my regular clothes so that maybe others can't really tell while I work back down again, but the revulsion and self-hatred are all too real. I never wanted to experience those again.
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I am sorry this has happened to you for 6 weeks but like you say in your last pph, you did NOT lose all of your hard work. So please forgive yourself and just accept where you are.
Many folks are going to chime in here and say that you need to figure out the ROOT cause of your binge eating. Me - I am going to say. It happens. Move on. Accepting that I am not perfect and that I will eat too much mindlessly for no good reason is something that helps me. It keeps me from having endless days and weeks where I go off the rails. And it is also important not to restrict too much. It sounds like you are wanting to go back to a VERY restrictive cal amount again. Please do not.
My unprofessional advice. Set your calories at 1400. Weigh yourself today. period. Then try 1400 for the WHOLE MONTH without weighing. Get OFF that rollercoaster. You are a smart lady. You can do it. In Nov, I bet you find that you have even LOST weight.
Hugs and I have been in your shoes more times than I care to admit. Even if during the month you overdo it one or two days, just MOVE on. Don't weight. Don't try to restrict to make up for it. Just stick to the 1400. (which I know for you seems a lot) But I bet you feel a ton better in 30 days.
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mylittlerainbow wrote: »
In the past 6 weeks, I've gone back to my binge-eating/yo-yo-ing, which I had resolved I would never again do, and I'm hating myself for it! Partly because in-person things are resuming and I am a stress-eater and now have to prepare classes and programs and get places and present them, and partly because my friends are ready to socialize again and want to eat out, and although I do choose from menus in advance, it's harder to control every bite in a restaurant.
I hear you and wish you the best. Many of us are dealing with the same problems.
About eating out with friends. Can you try something different? Perhaps find a diplomatic way to tell your friends you have a food/health problem and have to limit what you eat. Don't eat a meal in a restaurant. Eat before you go so you aren't hungry. Only have coffee, tea or some other low-calorie drink plus a salad with dressing on the side. You can socialize while you have the drink and take your time to eat the salad. It might feel like going against the flow, but if you do this every time, people will accept it.
Another option is to socialize over something not food-related, perhaps a walk to look at the autumn leaves.
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I don’t know ur binge restrict history but as you have started a post about it I’m assuming it’s troubling you. Therapy might help to figure it out. If this is ur default way of controlling ur weight then it might be best to get professional help to work out a better way.2
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Gosh, I would not see it as a "fail."
Just get back at your same meals you had when you were working from home. Pre-planning and bringing in your own food will get you back on track.
I also don't go out to eat very often, even when invited. But if you do, you can always find something that's on your calorie plan.
My best tool is logging food, followed closely by planning and by stepping on the scale a few times per week. Eight pounds up is not ideal, but it's not like you don't know what to do!
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You are not alone. Don't call it a failure, call it a lesson. Learn from it. Move on.
I had maintained for three years until about a year ago when I had what I've called "The Big Oops." I gained ten or 15 pounds a little at a time. First was a gain for about three months, then leveled off, then up again, then maintained at a higher weight quite a while. I have finally made some changes to slowly push back to where it should be, and I also am reevaluating my goals.
I figure I have two options:- Throw in the towel. Quit trying. Go back to the Old Ways of Eating. Enjoy it. Only live once, so why bother with trying to stay healthy. Just enjoy life to the fullest.
- Stick to it. Don't quit. There will be obstacles. It won't be easy even if it is simple. Just accept that there will be times when success is fleeting at best. Learn. Move along.
So far I have decided to opt for number two although there are days for SURE when I want to just say ocelot; I quit. If you're like me, maybe think about learning from this challenge you are facing. And stay in touch.9 - Throw in the towel. Quit trying. Go back to the Old Ways of Eating. Enjoy it. Only live once, so why bother with trying to stay healthy. Just enjoy life to the fullest.
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I think maybe you defined success and maintenance top rigidly. Yeah you're 5 lbs above your upper limit and that means act, but.
I'm not sure the 'never doing the reducing diet again' is a reasonable expectation in life. I think, for me, maintenance IS just staying within a range of 10-15lbs, and when you go above it you reduce and if you drop below it you increase. Life just... it happens. A run of business meeting, a vacation, an injury or illness, heck even seasonally and activity level/type changes.
My IDEAL maintenance range is 5lbs. Realistically? More like 10-15. I'm going to move around the healthy BMI range. I know me. I know my life. I will gain a few, shrug, lose a few and move on. I will also lose a few too many, shrug, and eat more. No big.15 -
I'm very impressed you have accepted this as something to be worked on rather quickly! You've done it once and you can do it again, slowly. Maybe five pounds in 10 weeks so you can learn your maintenance strategies back in an in-person work environment? Then reassess whether and how long to get to a lower end of you buffer.
I had to gain back most of what I'd previously lost to get back with it. My first goal was simply to stop gaining. This led to a small weight loss.
Then I set small, realizable goals until a couple of weeks ago. I will not stay this small forever, but until COVID is less of a threat I will stay rather thin to keep my A1c at a very low level for someone with DM2.
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Thank you all. Yes, I recognize the binge-eating. We have no need to go through my whole childhood, but it became a coping mechanism for me, easier to deal with the feelings it caused than with the underlying problems in my real life instead. And yes, I've had years of therapy and have also belonged to E.A.T. and have understanding from that perspective as well. As a result, I have not had many binges in a lot of years. But something terrible happened about 6 weeks ago that yanked the rug out from under me - a project to which I'd devoted my entire summer, including a huge fee at the end, which was cancelled with no alternatives even considered at nearly the last minute. Sent me off the deep end. Another victim of the pandemic, of which I'm heartily sick anyway.
So it's not a viable coping mechanism and it normally isn't mine any more, except when the circumstances are truly profound like these were. And yes, I caught myself with only a few pounds of damage and I DO know how to lose the weight and I shall. It's just so discouraging, feels like a total fail. I was so smug - I've conquered this, I've lost the weight, I'll never gain it again, I RULE! - which made it seem like a comeuppance to teach me a lesson. The world doesn't work that way, but tell that to our emotional responses!
I am 5'0" tall and have a small frame. I will limit myself to 1200 calories despite the advice above from Bon. At 1400 calories, along with working out, I stay balanced in the range 95-97 pounds. I actually gain at that amount if I don't work out. I had to eat at 1000 calories per day in order to lose weight; 1200 is the most I can eat in a day and lose weight. I know that from this 15 months of reducing and then the year of maintaining. So I will do 1200 calories per day and exercise and let it go off pretty slowly at that level. The important thing is to get myself under control without feeling that my life must be rigidly restricted for the remainder of my days. That, as I know, is an invitation to disaster. Thank you all again.16 -
Sorry to hear that that happened to you.
It sounds like you know what you need to do to get back on track with your weight. It's hard to see your weight go up more than you'd like but, as others have said, I wouldn't call an 8lb gain a failure. We all fluctuate, hence many in maintenance have a range of 10lbs that they'll accept before thinking they need to do something.
Re the social side of things, can you plan ahead? Many of us work to weekly averages rather than eating a set number of calories a day. If I know I'm going out on a Friday night, and it'll involve wine or a meal (or both), I'll eat a little less earlier in the week, bulking up my meals with even more veg, salad and protein than normal, so that my net calories for the week are in line with where I'd want them to be. That may be worth considering.1 -
@mylittlerainbowmy writes: "On the positive side, of course, I caught myself and did not blow up again (overall loss was more than 45 lbs) and am taking appropriate steps, but on the negative side, there's the destructive self-talk and the depression over going through this all over again when I'd already spent 15 months on the reducing diet that I had vowed would be my very last one because it was such hard work."
I'd say you should give yourself a round of applause! And please don't hate yourself. It is hard to lose weight and hard to keep it off and you've succeeded at that. You slipped back in to some habits that don't serve you well and you realize it. Yay!
You are getting lots of good advice here and hopefully you'll take it and figure out what will work for you. When I've gone a little high on my maintenance range I really don't do much differently. I do continue to track and I really stay right at or a little below more calorie goal. Make sure to get in my exercise, may up the cardio a little. Figured I lost the weight slowly so I'll get right back on track just the same way.
You can do it!4 -
There are a lot of good suggestions here and you get a big "way to go" from me too for catching things so quickly.
What hit a nerve in me was the statement "I was so smug - I've conquered this." That was me too. I found it a necessary lesson to learn. I have had enough ups and downs over the years now to quench my smugness. I am still a little proud that the ups and downs are now very small but I still make mistakes, learn from them and not punish myself for it. Sorry about the canceled project. That was a big blow.4 -
mylittlerainbow wrote: »Thank you all. Yes, I recognize the binge-eating. We have no need to go through my whole childhood, but it became a coping mechanism for me, easier to deal with the feelings it caused than with the underlying problems in my real life instead. And yes, I've had years of therapy and have also belonged to E.A.T. and have understanding from that perspective as well. As a result, I have not had many binges in a lot of years. But something terrible happened about 6 weeks ago that yanked the rug out from under me - a project to which I'd devoted my entire summer, including a huge fee at the end, which was cancelled with no alternatives even considered at nearly the last minute. Sent me off the deep end. Another victim of the pandemic, of which I'm heartily sick anyway...
That stinks about your project
Obviously I may not have enough details to comment, but you may have some options to recoup your fee:
1. If you paid with a credit card you may be able to dispute it with your CC company, seeing how you paid for something you did not receive.
2. Here in Massachusetts, our Attorney General comes onto a local talk radio show periodically and is always mentioning how her office has a division that helps consumers recoup Covid cancellation expenses.2 -
It’s been a rough few years. After 12 years maintaining and logging I stopped. And gained. I am back in the saddle again and losing. We can all do this.11
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Thank you all for your continued support. Yes, we do know how to do this - we're in maintenance, after all - but I was just hoping I wouldn't have to any more. It would be so lovely to live like a "normal" person and get to a point where I can stop tracking every mouthful. Sadly, that will probably never happen with the way I am.
As for the project, the big fee was due to ME - it was expected revenue and I was really counting on it. So at least I'm not out any of my own money, but it really stinks.6 -
How is the first week going @mylittlerainbow ? I am sure you got this!!!! You are such a strong and intelligent woman.
(PS would be interested in understanding the disagrees to my first post just for the benefit of hearing differing opinions and not for argument)1 -
SummerSkier wrote: »
(PS would be interested in understanding the disagrees to my first post just for the benefit of hearing differing opinions and not for argument)
I wasn't one of the disagreeers, but reading your post, the thing that stood out to me was your suggestion to eat 1400 calories. That number seems very specific considering we don't know much at all about the OP (height, weight, activity level,...) so that number may or may not be appropriate.1 -
SummerSkier wrote: »
(PS would be interested in understanding the disagrees to my first post just for the benefit of hearing differing opinions and not for argument)
I wasn't one of the disagreeers, but reading your post, the thing that stood out to me was your suggestion to eat 1400 calories. That number seems very specific considering we don't know much at all about the OP (height, weight, activity level,...) so that number may or may not be appropriate.
Yes, we have the OP's height and weight -- see above (I think I can paste it here).mylittlerainbow wrote: »
I am 5'0" tall and have a small frame. I will limit myself to 1200 calories despite the advice above from Bon. At 1400 calories, along with working out, I stay balanced in the range 95-97 pounds. I actually gain at that amount if I don't work out. I had to eat at 1000 calories per day in order to lose weight; 1200 is the most I can eat in a day and lose weight. I know that from this 15 months of reducing and then the year of maintaining. So I will do 1200 calories per day and exercise and let it go off pretty slowly at that level. The important thing is to get myself under control without feeling that my life must be rigidly restricted for the remainder of my days. That, as I know, is an invitation to disaster. Thank you all again.
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SummerSkier wrote: »
(PS would be interested in understanding the disagrees to my first post just for the benefit of hearing differing opinions and not for argument)
I wasn't one of the disagreeers, but reading your post, the thing that stood out to me was your suggestion to eat 1400 calories. That number seems very specific considering we don't know much at all about the OP (height, weight, activity level,...) so that number may or may not be appropriate.
Yes, we have the OP's height and weight -- see above (I think I can paste it here).mylittlerainbow wrote: »
I am 5'0" tall and have a small frame. I will limit myself to 1200 calories despite the advice above from Bon. At 1400 calories, along with working out, I stay balanced in the range 95-97 pounds. I actually gain at that amount if I don't work out. I had to eat at 1000 calories per day in order to lose weight; 1200 is the most I can eat in a day and lose weight. I know that from this 15 months of reducing and then the year of maintaining. So I will do 1200 calories per day and exercise and let it go off pretty slowly at that level. The important thing is to get myself under control without feeling that my life must be rigidly restricted for the remainder of my days. That, as I know, is an invitation to disaster. Thank you all again.
You're right, we got the info later on, but it wasn't in the OP, which the post with the disagrees was reacting to, so at that point it was premature to be so specific.
That's just my possible explanation for the disagrees.0 -
You're right, we got the info later on, but it wasn't in the OP, which the post with the disagrees was reacting to, so at that point it was premature to be so specific.
That's just my possible explanation for the disagrees.
I understand what you're saying now. I wish people who disagree would explain why, but they usually don't. I also think some people will disagree with anything.
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SummerSkier wrote: »
(PS would be interested in understanding the disagrees to my first post just for the benefit of hearing differing opinions and not for argument)
I wasn't one of the disagreeers, but reading your post, the thing that stood out to me was your suggestion to eat 1400 calories. That number seems very specific considering we don't know much at all about the OP (height, weight, activity level,...) so that number may or may not be appropriate.
That and the fact that SS's post says, "Don't weigh for a month." That seems to be an odd suggestion to me. A month?? And then step on the scale and hope it's on a down day? Or??...3 -
I know the op. 😎 My idea was for her to eat more to try get the binging under control for a month. The idea to not weigh for a period of time was also to change focus from scale misery and stabilize so fluctuations were not scaring her.4
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SummerSkier wrote: »I know the op. 😎 My idea was for her to eat more to try get the binging under control for a month. The idea to not weigh for a period of time was also to change focus from scale misery and stabilize so fluctuations were not scaring her.
yeh, I understand some people are anxious about the scale but the way to desensitize against that is to keep stepping on the scale, not run in fear from it.
The weight-trending apps or even this site's Reports is a good way to make peace with the numbers. Yeah, I had some scale fear when I was 200 pounds but along the way to Maintenance I got over it and now I see all the numbers as data points, nothing more. Giving a number power over my mental health is not something I want to encourage nor obsess over and by letting expectations build up for a month could be way more dramatic emotionally than it needs to be.
Making the scale part of my daily routine also stops those big gains and allows me to see just how much I can fluctuate in just a couple days. Every pound is not a "permanent" pound.5 -
cmriverside wrote: »SummerSkier wrote: »I know the op. 😎 My idea was for her to eat more to try get the binging under control for a month. The idea to not weigh for a period of time was also to change focus from scale misery and stabilize so fluctuations were not scaring her.
yeh, I understand some people are anxious about the scale but the way to desensitize against that is to keep stepping on the scale, not run in fear from it.
The weight-trending apps or even this site's Reports is a good way to make peace with the numbers. Yeah, I had some scale fear when I was 200 pounds but along the way to Maintenance I got over it and now I see all the numbers as data points, nothing more. Giving a number power over my mental health is not something I want to encourage nor obsess over and by letting expectations build up for a month could be way more dramatic emotionally than it needs to be.
Making the scale part of my daily routine also stops those big gains and allows me to see just how much I can fluctuate in just a couple days. Every pound is not a "permanent" pound.
The way for YOU to desensitize from it.
Since we don't know everyone, we don't know what does and does not work and just how bad things are. More than one therapist - actual professional I know - recommends taking a break from the scale when it becomes too influential and only slowly adding it back when some distance allows perspective.
exposure therapy at the level of flooding is pretty much debunked for humans and animals for reasons. Namely that it very often does more harm than good. Continuing to do a thing that scares you with gritted teeth and hoping the emotion goes away would be what exposure therapy is. Actual desensitization involves a break, and then very limited controlled exposure that gradually builds while continuing to be exposed to keep reactions low, mild and manageable.5 -
Please don't look at this set back as a failure, but a lesson on your journey. Most of us have started again or have had set backs. You caught this quickly and are taking the right steps forward. You have learned and changed! I was listening to a Dr on a few tedtalks, the subject was about the chemicals and hormones in the brain - the few that enable us to lose, vs the many that want us to be at our heaviest. The battle is real. It was said on average it takes 3 yrs of maintenance to reset these chemical/hormones and that's just part of the the battle.
Great job with the self correction, now let's hear some positive self talk!3 -
Please don't look at this set back as a failure, but a lesson on your journey. Most of us have started again or have had set backs. You caught this quickly and are taking the right steps forward. ...
Great job with the self correction, now let's hear some positive self talk!
Thank you! I did weigh myself this morning because I want to make sure I'm heading in the right direction now, and I am. Not the huge drop I was hoping for from "recent/water weight" and other such mythology, but it leaves me hopeful that I have regained control early in the process and that I can get back to where I want to be. A bit wistful that I will have to be on guard the rest of my life, but when I start to envy "normal people", I also realize that a fair percentage of them are relatively overweight and I no longer wish to be in that group. So it will be work. I also admit that I didn't drink all of my water this week - one lingering piece of rebellion! - and will endeavor to do better from now on. I appreciate all of the continuing support.
As for Summer Skier, she does know me personally and was reaching out to me very specifically from her knowledge. I chose not to take her advice, but it did come from a place of acquaintance and was not randomly offered.
The anxiety when I went on maintenance a year ago is probably one shared by most of us: If the scale isn't going down, it most likely isn't going to hold level forever either but will fluctuate up and down, and can we all take that and try to live a more normal and relaxed life? (i.e., not on a perpetual diet or rigid eating plan) That is a psychological adjustment that I'm aware of and still working on. Thanks to you all again!
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I dont think this eating thing ever gets easy. There are always temptations, vacations, life happening. Then there will be easier times. For me weighing every day helps. I think we have to remember what we did to lose the weight and then do that until we get back down to maintenance. I did good during the pandemic also but now having to do social stuff is hard. A group I just joined is going out twice next month, expensive restaurant also and I am going to have to decide if I want to do it, I am such a cheapskate, hate to get fat and poor. I know the answer is get a plan if I go.
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hahha @mylittlerainbow glad you are checking in and advice is always just that. I totally understand your choices.
Happy to hear things are beginning to turn for you. As for "normal" people I am not sure those are not unicorns. 4 -
I just gained 7 lb in about 9 weeks. Time to take it off! I had a flare up of a back problem and I am going to be kind to myself about it. Can’t exercise, stress with my kids, ate too much.8
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No more Failing--Success can come and will come but it takes one day at a time with the steps to accomplish the goals of the day in 3 areas of your life. Join me on this journey.. (Pineapple Life) Group started today. who doesn't need more friends striving for the same goals? Friend me for lots of motivation and check out/join the new (Pineapple Life) group I started today. This group will have a range of topics discussing the Pineapple Method--Physical, Mental. Social/Emotional needs of all of us to reach our full potential & goals. Inspiring one another, supporting with ideas, workouts, nutrition and meals, maybe even some love life chat--especially living & learning how to like yourself to loving yourself and your life. Learning and working to LIVE life---truly live. I have over 20 years of being a coach, educator, and motivational supporter. I am here to achieve my own health goals and would love to help others achieve theirs along the way. just click the join button for a new friend/group to help you reach your goals.. dobber965-4
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Nothing wrong with getting comfort from a treat to make you feel better. Try not to blame yourself. Buy a small treat every day. Track it and enjoy it. So many people treat themselves with a glass of wine every night. They don’t hate themselves for it. Instead they just stick to the one or two glasses and enjoy them and congratulate themselves for having self control. If having a Freddo frog or whatever every night gives you comfort go for it. Once you’re fully out of lockdown you may not even want it anymore. I have chocolate once a week every weekend. Take care xx0
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