Worst first date ever?

He picked me up in an old beat up Ford Festiva. He tried to make me hold his hand on the stick shift…awkward. We went bowling with a bunch of his friends, and every single last one of his buddies pulled me aside and told me that I was too good for him, and I should consider going home with them. Nice friends. Anyway, after the whole bowling fiasco, he drove me home and asked to come in to use the restroom. I was hesitant, but being a nice girl, I couldn’t tell him no, right? So he comes in, obviously NOT to use the bathroom. He started kissing me, and the WHOLE time I was thinking : “I'm-Kissing-You-Back-Sort-Of-Only-Because-Your-Damned-Lips-are-Touching-Mine-and-It's-Easier-to-Just-Let-You-Kiss-Me-and-Get-it-Over-With.” Yeah, so totally not into it. When he started the “Hands-Too-Aggressively-Fondling-Groping-Like-a-Clammy-Octopus-in-Heat” act, and tried copping a feel… or 10, I asked him to leave. A couple days later he calls me to ask me out on a second date. When I politely decline, he tells me I’m not his type anyway, and hangs up on me. I attract the awesome ones. Lol.

Hey was his name Joel??? I had one do the SAME thing!!!

Lol, unfortunately, no. His name was James. Must be the “J” names. I’ve had more than a few bad dates with guys that names start with a “J”. Lol.

I named his kissing technique: Somewhere crossed between the “Mouth-Stretching-Competition-Get-Lost-in-the-Grand-Canyon-kiss” (aka the Open-the-Mouth-WAY-Too-Wide kiss). And “The Dentist's-Chair kiss” (aka Niagara-Falls kiss) - You know how when you're getting work done on your teeth and no matter how much you try to control yourself, it seems as though your natural drool tendencies kick in full swing. You turn into a drool machine requiring that suction device or else your face and neck would be taking a really gross drool shower. Most of the time, thankfully, you are in control of your drool responses. However, some people are not.
FLOOD WATERS HAVE BREACHED THE DAM!
Seriously. Gross.

I was set up with this guy a few months ago. We met at a public location, which is this huge botanical garden in our city. I got there a little early, and waited. Up rides this guy on a BICYCLE with what looked like a hiking pack on his back. The first thing he said to me was "You must be Danielle. I recognize your t*ts from the photo that _____ showed me"....ummmm....seriously?! So we walked through the gardens talking, and the entire time this guy bi.tched and moaned about how expensive dating was, how expensive EVERYTHING is nowadays...mind you, he makes 6 figures. He knew from our friend that I am vegan, and asked me a lot of questions about it, and seemed to be respectful. After the gardens, he said he wanted to take me to dinner, but we'd have to put his bike in my car....WTF?! I asked if he owned a car, out of curiosity, and he said he did, but "didn't want to waste the gas". So, I have to STRADDLE his bike in a skirt and heels while he took it apart so it would fit in my car, and got in. He guided me where to go, and it ended up being a pizza place....okay, so I can just get a small veggie pizza w/no cheese...no big deal. OH NO. He ordered for BOTH OF US. A MEAT LOVERS pizza. He told me I could just "pick everything off, it's a better deal this way." After having a nice meal of water, we got back in the car, and the first thing he said was, "well, I washed my sheets so I guess it's time to go back to my place." I obliged, but with a different motive. We got to his place, put his bike back together, and I got back in the car and took the hell off. He started calling me like, 3 times a day, texting, emailing me. I had to block his number and his email so he couldn't contact me. Believe me, I had some STRONG WORDS for my friend the next day!

You should have seen the look on my face!!!

That was 20 years ago and I was a bit shy and reserved. These days I would have grabbed the hand and given him his very own kind of special *kitten* whoopin!

That was my first and only blind date! NEVER AGAIN! EVER!