Kids or no kids
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Dees_Apples
Posts: 105 Member
Kinda a serious topic but here goes
I'm in a relationship with someone who comes from a culture of traditional roles of having kids and raising a family. Honestly, I come from such a culture as well.
However, I myself am on the fence about having kids and lean more towards the side of not wanting any children.
I know she would be happy to have kids. From the beginning I've known it's something she'd want. Her and I have had this conversation and she tries to assure me she'd be ok with not having children, would be content on just living life with me.
But.. I can't shake this unsettling feeling that, over time, she may begin feeling unfulfilled (even if secretly), if I didn't give her that in life.
How do you feel about being in a relationship with someone who, from the beginning, you knew wanted kids but you didn't? Or vice versa
Is it too great a compromise which will ultimately cause problems? Should I listen to my gut feeling that she's agreeing to not having kids for the sake of the relationship but that over time it may cause a feeling of discontentment? If her and I kept going and later there started be be evidence of dissatisfaction, I pretty much have to live with the guilt of knowing I caused her dissatisfaction over the kids topic
Besides the issue of kids everything else seems to be fine. I'm in love with her, she seems in love with me. Should I let someone go, over differing stances on having kids even though everything else seem to be going well?
I know we are strangers but what has been your experience with something like this?
I'm in a relationship with someone who comes from a culture of traditional roles of having kids and raising a family. Honestly, I come from such a culture as well.
However, I myself am on the fence about having kids and lean more towards the side of not wanting any children.
I know she would be happy to have kids. From the beginning I've known it's something she'd want. Her and I have had this conversation and she tries to assure me she'd be ok with not having children, would be content on just living life with me.
But.. I can't shake this unsettling feeling that, over time, she may begin feeling unfulfilled (even if secretly), if I didn't give her that in life.
How do you feel about being in a relationship with someone who, from the beginning, you knew wanted kids but you didn't? Or vice versa
Is it too great a compromise which will ultimately cause problems? Should I listen to my gut feeling that she's agreeing to not having kids for the sake of the relationship but that over time it may cause a feeling of discontentment? If her and I kept going and later there started be be evidence of dissatisfaction, I pretty much have to live with the guilt of knowing I caused her dissatisfaction over the kids topic
Besides the issue of kids everything else seems to be fine. I'm in love with her, she seems in love with me. Should I let someone go, over differing stances on having kids even though everything else seem to be going well?
I know we are strangers but what has been your experience with something like this?
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Replies
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My experience says "listen to your heart, and keep the communications channels open."
When my husband and I first started dating, I was 23 and he was 26, and we both expressed early on having no interest in having children. It's one of those things we had in common that led us further into our relationship.
When we got engaged six months later, we were both in grad school, both pursuing intellectual and creative interests, and as we approached our wedding date, he asked me if I was still on the "childfree" train. I thought about it, and my answer was, "I am right now, but I reserve my right to change my mind because I don't know if my biological clock is going to start madly ticking some day after I finish grad school." In the back of my mind was the thought that my mother was a career woman first, and didn't have her first child (me) until she was 35.
We agreed then and there to "never say never", and to check in with each other on that on the childfree thing every now and then.
As it turned out, that conversation established a pattern early in our marriage that we've maintained ever since. About once a year around tax season, we have "The Big Talk" where we sit down together to do our taxes, review our progress towards our personal and creative goals, take a look at our retirement savings and make any adjustments, talk about any big upcoming decisions or issues for which we need to plan (replace a car? adopt that kitten? follow that new job? family member health issues? our health issues? can we afford a cool vacation?) and "are we still cheerfully childfree?"
I graduated, he graduated--we were still good on the childfree thing. He turned 30, then I turned 30 and till good. He turned 35, then I turned 35 and we were still good. On our 15th anniversary, with age 40 not far on the horizon, I told him I didn't think we needed to ask that question any more--and he scheduled his vasectomy.
We've been married 37 years, and never regretted our decision not to have children--a decision, by the way, that I think has made us a better "frauntie" and "fruncle" for many of our friends' children. And in retrospect, our mutual agreement to keep communications open, and make time every year to check in on that and other conversations that other couples sometimes avoid has been part of the secret to our good relationship.13 -
my brother got divorced after 10 years because his wife wanted a kid
they were set on not having kids but people change
to me it sounds like she is going to want kids someday
maybe you will too? time changes
I say keep enjoying the relationship and re-assess the situation at a later time4 -
I was always 100% "child free ". I was always busy with my career (still I am) and I love to travel. I am in a relationship with a man who is on the same page with me. We discussed that question before we moved together. We didn't want to have any issues with time. We love kids. We are happy when our nieces and nephews visit us. We always help kids who are in need. But we don't want to have our own children.5
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I always wanted to be a mom. That was my one heart's desire. DH was scared to be a dad. But he agreed. I don't think I could've/would've stayed with him if he was adamant about staying childless. JMO
I agree with the poster who suggested you enjoy the relationship you have now, continue the conversation if it happens. People do definitely change and you just never know where your lives/thoughts/wants and needs will take you.6 -
It’s hard to tell what the future holds and I say just keep an eye on that conversation.2
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You know the situation best and I think only you and your partner can determine what is right for you both. If you have a nagging feeling that you can’t shake, it’s good not to brush that aside and it probably warrants further discussion with your partner.
It also comes down to are you 100% sure you don’t want kids. Are you leaving the idea open to change in your partners mind with the “I’m leaning more towards not having kids?”
To answer your question though, if I was in a relationship with someone that didn’t want kids and I did, whether I was in love with that person or not, I would walk away from the romantic relationship if having a family was extremely important to me. It really comes down to, how important having and not having kids is ultimately for each individual in the relationship and it being a deal breaker. If you made a list of your goals and where you saw yourself and partner in 5-10 years from now, would they look similar to theirs?
I think that if one makes a decision to stay in a relationship where the other was adamant about no kids, and the likelihood of them changing their mind was slim, resentment would eventually grow over time if this was something they wanted but wasn’t honest about completely up front. Especially if the person secretly “might” really want a kid but thought they could change the other persons mind later in the relationship.
When everything is peachy and going good, it’s not a big deal to put those wants aside, but should conflict arise then those little and big resentments might show themselves later.
I don’t know if I made any sense, but I hope you both find a solution that works for your mutual happiness.
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Dees_Apples wrote: »I always wanted to be a mom. That was my one heart's desire. DH was scared to be a dad. But he agreed. I don't think I could've/would've stayed with him if he was adamant about staying childless. JMO
I agree with the poster who suggested you enjoy the relationship you have now, continue the conversation if it happens. People do definitely change and you just never know where your lives/thoughts/wants and needs will take you.
How have things played out? Does he enjoy being a dad?
I want very much for her to be happy, but that's the one thing I'm hesitant on. I'm sure there are joyful times with raising kids, I'm just very hesitant to take on the added responsibility and stress.
We were both very hesitant to take on being a parent for the reasons you describe, plus of course, cost. I've always second-guessed myself about most things in my life.
And some parents are better parents with different age groups. Considering our youngest just turned 29, I'd have to say dh became a better parent as he gained more experience, as our children got older and didn't feel so 'breakable' and as they became independent. I think all parents experience questioning themselves, wonder if they're making horrible mistakes that will cause lots of issues with their children, doing enough or doing too much, worrying about losing their freedom, etc., etc.
I 100% feel dh or I wouldn't take back choosing parenthood. Not for any reason. But it is definitely an individual choice and no one else can make it for you and your gf.
None of my own children have talked about having their own. They're enjoying life the way it is now for them but who knows what their futures hold. Our oldest is 40 and I'm 99% sure he and his gf will never have children.
Good luck!!3 -
The idea of having your first kid is scary and was not of any interest of mine. I actually turned down one girls marriage proposal because her goal was to have 5 kids and be a stay at home mom. I wanted a Lamborghini, not kids.
I feel ultimately if ones stance on the matter is not changed to adapt to the other it will evetually lead to complications in the relationship, but thats a stance that can take years, so I would just go with the flow and enjoy what you have and talk about the subject once its that point of the relationship.
I went from telling dead baby jokes in the military to having 3 kids and wanting 27 more to create my own ninja team of politicians so I can take over the world. 🤷♂️5 -
I've been married 37 years and have 3 grown sons now. I've seen many different relationships in friends and family and have observed a few things. The people that are deeply sad inside are the ones that wanted a family and expected to have one (both married with the idea of children), and the kids just didn't come--for one reason or another. The ones that had an unexpected pregnancy show up either before or after marriage are all happy.
As for you, you need to do some soul-searching as to your reasons for not wanting children. If she is on the same page, there's no problem, but, if she's secretly hoping that you'll change one day, well, that could be a problem. Ask yourself if she came to you tomorrow and said she was pregnant and was keeping the child, what would you do? Would you love her no matter what? That'll be your answer.5 -
Have to figure it out before any talk of marriage. For now I'd just enjoy the relationship. That said, if someone does want kids and you don't and that doesn't really change, there is very likely to be resentment at some point.
It's also difficult, because people change...though I don't know that I've ever seen anyone go from wanting kids to not wanting kids...usually the other way around. Neither my wife nor I really wanted kids when we decided to get married. We were happy just being us and traveling and climbing the corporate ladder, etc. About 5 years into our marriage we changed our minds, which fortunately, all of that happened for both of us at the same time.
With two boys now, I can't personally imagine my life without them, so I'm glad we both changed our minds on the matter.3 -
Neither my husband or I wanted kids and we never changed our minds. We love kids, have a blast with the nieces and nephews and are close with all 15 of them. Over the years we have had a few of them live with us off and on. But we never changed our minds about having our own through 30 years of marriage.
I think if one of us changed our minds at some point and was really adamant about wanting children, we probably would have had at least one.2 -
I am a divorcee with 2 beautiful children ...actually 1 child (16) and 1 adult (22 as of yesterday) I wouldn't change a thing
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Just to take a different angle...
There are things I want that are deal breakers. Those are things for which I'd sacrifice a relationship.
There are things I want that are NOT deal breakers. Those are things I'd give up to keep a relationship.
Which of those things are kids for her, and which of those things are you for her?
And just to be really clear about it: you're questioning the future of the relationship not because of what either of you are feeling... but because of what one of you *might* feel at some point in the future. Second guessing the future is a losing man's game (IMO)
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I have always wanted children. Ever since I can remember. Being pregnant was the best! I loved every second and I love being a mom now. Honestly, I would never have said that not having kids was okay with me. My sister is child-free and happy. Her and her husband decided not to have kids and they are both living a great life together.
So if she says that she is okay with not having kids, she most likely really does mean it.
Plus, we don't always plan these things. Nothing is 100% effective and if it is meant to be, it will be2 -
I was always 100% "child free ". I was always busy with my career (still I am) and I love to travel. I am in a relationship with a man who is on the same page with me. We discussed that question before we moved together. We didn't want to have any issues with time. We love kids. We are happy when our nieces and nephews visit us. We always help kids who are in need. But we don't want to have our own children.
This describes me too. I knew for certain as early as 12-13 that I never wanted to have kids, much in the same way that my girlfriends knew they wanted to become mothers. I understand and respect that it's not so clear cut like this for every person, though.
I broke off my first engagement because I knew my fiance definitely wanted kids. We were only in our early twenties but I knew I wouldn't be happy and neither would he. He now has 3 kids.
Later, I married a man who was sterile due to an accident. Our marriage was pretty happy and lasted almost a decade but in the end, one of several reasons it ended was because he had an extremely hard time dealing with all of his guy friends becoming fathers. It brought up a lot of anger and resentment for him and it was very surprising to me because for many years he sounded like he truly did not mind being childless due to sterility, and he always knew I was happy that we were never having kids.
Finally in my mid-thirties I met my current husband who is 100% childfree like me. He has never for one moment wanted to have children and honestly he can live without even being around babies or kids, period. I am more involved with friends' children particularly when they hit elementary school and teen years and to me that is more than satisfying. We don't have kids in our families and love it this way. He had a vasectomy when we were just in the early stages of dating, mainly so I wouldn't have to worry about birth control, and I was overjoyed about it because I knew that we were 100% on the same page!
I know some people change their minds but honestly I feel that if you don't 100% want kids it is usually better not to have them.
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I have 4 and honestly they are my life. My brother doesn't have children I totally respect that but I do often wonder if he'll love to regret it .0
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A vasectomy was a condition of me getting engaged.
I've had multiple partners claim they were okay with not having kids, but then realize that they really want them. So I would not get engaged to someone unless they were 100% certain that they didn't want them.
It's the one thing you cannot compromise on in any way. You have to be totally aligned.
I've had some lovely relationships end over this, that's just the reality of the issue.2
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