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ninerbuff
ninerbuff Posts: 48,579 Member
in Chit-Chat
Driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "About a gallon."
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Replies

  • Gary1977
    Gary1977 Posts: 804 Member
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    LMFAO! Good one! I'll post one shortly
  • hunderwoman
    hunderwoman Posts: 101 Member
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    Awesome! That was great!
  • Gary1977
    Gary1977 Posts: 804 Member
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    I was having sex with a woman across the kitchen table when suddenly we hear someone pull in the driveway. The woman says, " It's my husband, try the back door!" In retrospect, I should have run, but you don't get those invitations very often.:noway: :bigsmile:
  • JRMcCaghren
    JRMcCaghren Posts: 114
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    Hilarious. Love it.
  • Gary1977
    Gary1977 Posts: 804 Member
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    I'm bored. Doesn't anyone else have jokes?
  • AimingHighWeighingLow
    AimingHighWeighingLow Posts: 192 Member
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    Mines rude so I apologise in advance....

    A man was at home one day when a window cleaner knocked on his door.
    "good morning, would you like your windows cleaning" said the cleaner.
    The guy looks up and says "yes sure, how much" "A fiver, but I have to and do your neighbours first I will be back before the end of the day."
    "No problem replies the man"

    THe window cleaner leaves and then the man goes about his daily business, he sits in his bedroom and decides to watch a adult film,next thing you know the man decides its time to pleasure himself, the moment he is in full swing he looks up and sees the window cleaner. The man jumps up, runs down the stairs and is very embarrased. Eventually the window cleaner knocks on the door for his money.

    The man opens the door and turns to the cleaner and says
    " Listen mate I am so embarrassed, how much for you to keep quiet"
    The window cleaner replies £50 and I'll say nowt.
    They exchange money and the man closes the door.

    That evening as the man is on his drive his neighbour comes home, looks up at the mans windows and says 'your windows are clean, how much did they cost you.'
    The man replies £50 through gritted teeth.
    The neighbours says bloody hell mate, they saw you coming!
    To which the man screams THE BA5T4RD HE SAID HE WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING!
  • seal57
    seal57 Posts: 1,307
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    Two blondes walked into a building.....

    You would have thought that at least one of them saw it........

    :happy:
  • wickedkitty
    wickedkitty Posts: 36 Member
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    <3 it!!!
  • roebuck1908
    roebuck1908 Posts: 185
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    great jokes
  • RoanneRed
    RoanneRed Posts: 429 Member
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    Two fish swim into a wall. One fish says to the other fish, 'dam!'.
  • zorbaru
    zorbaru Posts: 1,077 Member
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    i was taking a walk through a cemetary and i saw a guy crouching at a toombstone.

    i called out "MORNING"

    he said "NO, JUST TAKING A CRAP"
  • Gary1977
    Gary1977 Posts: 804 Member
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    i was taking a walk through a cemetary and i saw a guy crouching at a toombstone.

    i called out "MORNING"

    he said "NO, JUST TAKING A CRAP"

    Winner, Winner, chicken dinner!:drinker:
  • Gary1977
    Gary1977 Posts: 804 Member
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    I desperately wanted to have sex with a hot girl here at the office. I finally got up the nerve to ask if she'd be interested. She told me, "No, I have a boyfriend". I told her that I didn't care, I would pay her $100. She still said, "No Way!" I told her I would be real quick. If she would pull her pants down then I would throw the money on the floor. I would be finished before she picked the money up. She calls her boyfriend and told him about my proposal. He told her, " Tell him he has a deal, but for $200". He then told her to be really quick and she would have the money picked up before I could even get my pants down. 45 minutes later he calls her back and said, "What the hell is going on?" She answered him in a flustered, out of breath voice, "That SOB had all quarters!":blushing: :bigsmile: :noway:
  • steve81872
    steve81872 Posts: 23 Member
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    On a postmans last day of work he arrived at one of his many houses to deliver the mail. The women opened the door with nothing on but a smile. She invited him and they had the best sex of his life. After they were done she cooked him breakfast. While eating he asked her why the great gift. Her response was I asked my husband what we should for you and he said, ' F him, give him $5, The breakfast part was my idea":
  • Gary1977
    Gary1977 Posts: 804 Member
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    Pretty good.
  • Gary1977
    Gary1977 Posts: 804 Member
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    A man walked into a bar where he saw a large glass jar filled with $5 bills. He asked the bartender what is up with the money in the jar. The bartender said they were having a contest, and the winner takes all the cash. The man asked what kind of contest it was, but the bartender replied that the money had to be paid first. The can complied and asked again. The bartender said it was a 3 part contest. Part one: drink a whole bottle of pepper tequila without stopping or making a face. Part two: There was a pitbull outside that needed an abscessed tooth pulled. Part three: There was a ninety year old woman who hadn't had an orgasim in 40 years that you had to give one to.

    After a couple of drinks the man said, WTF!, I'm gonna give it a do. He grabs the bottle of tequilla and starts to down it. Tears are rolling down his face, but he doesn't make a single expression. Clearly drunk, the man stumples outside to the pitbull. Minutes later you could hear him scream & the dog growling & barking loudly. After a few more minutes, the man returns to the bar, clothes ripped to shredds and blood covering his entire body. He yells at the bartender, "Where is that damn old woman with the abscessed tooth?:laugh:
  • roebuck1908
    roebuck1908 Posts: 185
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    The emergency services were called to an incident on the London Underground, passengers stuck to the floor, widows and roof of the carriage it was the first NO-MORE-NAILS terrorist bomb attack :laugh:
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,579 Member
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    A man walked into a bar where he saw a large glass jar filled with $5 bills. He asked the bartender what is up with the money in the jar. The bartender said they were having a contest, and the winner takes all the cash. The man asked what kind of contest it was, but the bartender replied that the money had to be paid first. The can complied and asked again. The bartender said it was a 3 part contest. Part one: drink a whole bottle of pepper tequila without stopping or making a face. Part two: There was a pitbull outside that needed an abscessed tooth pulled. Part three: There was a ninety year old woman who hadn't had an orgasim in 40 years that you had to give one to.

    After a couple of drinks the man said, WTF!, I'm gonna give it a do. He grabs the bottle of tequilla and starts to down it. Tears are rolling down his face, but he doesn't make a single expression. Clearly drunk, the man stumples outside to the pitbull. Minutes later you could hear him scream & the dog growling & barking loudly. After a few more minutes, the man returns to the bar, clothes ripped to shredds and blood covering his entire body. He yells at the bartender, "Where is that damn old woman with the abscessed tooth?:laugh:
    Okay I just spit out my water!!!!!!!!!!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,579 Member
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    A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your johnson is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,579 Member
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    One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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