Having a hard time
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I started talking to this guy off an online dating app back in December, and we had been talking since. We've gone on several dates, and we went out last Tuesday and had a great time, went golfing, out to dinner, etc. I also spent all day with him Wednesday and things were great - but after that he got to be very quiet. I get 1 text a day from him - and I called him on Friday so we talked for 10-15 mins, but other than that no communication.
Because I like him so much, I'm struggling. I keep checking my phone, I find it hard to eat, or go work out. I also find it hard to sleep.
I didn't text or call at all this weekend, but I did send a text this morning in which I asked if he will be traveling tomorrow (he had told me last week he has to travel Tuesday), and that I noticed hes been a little quiet since last week, so I hope everything is okay.
I have left it that - Its really hard and I'm feeling so disappointed, I really felt like we had such a great connection and maybe things were meant to be. I dont think he feels the same way, otherwise, daily contact isn't too much to ask.
Are there any other people dating out there? Do you talk daily? If you don't - does it bother you? Am I reading too much into things? Being too excited? Expecting too much?
Because I like him so much, I'm struggling. I keep checking my phone, I find it hard to eat, or go work out. I also find it hard to sleep.
I didn't text or call at all this weekend, but I did send a text this morning in which I asked if he will be traveling tomorrow (he had told me last week he has to travel Tuesday), and that I noticed hes been a little quiet since last week, so I hope everything is okay.
I have left it that - Its really hard and I'm feeling so disappointed, I really felt like we had such a great connection and maybe things were meant to be. I dont think he feels the same way, otherwise, daily contact isn't too much to ask.
Are there any other people dating out there? Do you talk daily? If you don't - does it bother you? Am I reading too much into things? Being too excited? Expecting too much?
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Replies
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I understand that excitement of meeting someone you like, but knowing someone for a month doesn't mean you're in a relationship that's going somewhere. You really don't know him.
If he has stopped contacting you, I'd say there is nothing you can do but start to move on. You can't make him call you, and for all you know he is seeing lots of people or has some other issue you don't know about. Try to stay busy and maybe get back on the app and meet someone new.6 -
If a man does that, then he is not interested. I would move on.7
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Online dating gave me lots of opportunities to practice the Buddhist concept of Non-attachment
There was once a man I really liked, but between work, kids, exes, he was just way too busy to be in sync with me.
Most likely though, it means this particular man has moved on, and you should too.
On the plus side, better to know this now.
Ps - men who don't give you a reason often do this because they've met someone else but want to keep you as an option. This is disqualifying as far as I am concerned.8 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Online dating gave me lots of opportunities to practice the Buddhist concept of Non-attachment
There was once a man I really liked, but between work, kids, exes, he was just way too busy to be in sync with me.
Most likely though, it means this particular man has moved on, and you should too.
On the plus side, better to know this now.
Ps - men who don't give you a reason often do this because they've met someone else but want to keep you as an option. This is disqualifying as far as I am concerned.
I just find it insane that between last Wednesday and Thursday - they moved on.0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Online dating gave me lots of opportunities to practice the Buddhist concept of Non-attachment
There was once a man I really liked, but between work, kids, exes, he was just way too busy to be in sync with me.
Most likely though, it means this particular man has moved on, and you should too.
On the plus side, better to know this now.
Ps - men who don't give you a reason often do this because they've met someone else but want to keep you as an option. This is disqualifying as far as I am concerned.
I just find it insane that between last Wednesday and Thursday - they moved on.
But how do you know he wasn't already seeing five other women? You don't.
Anyone who is such a coward that he can't even politely tell you he's doing _ _ _ _ _ isn't worth your time and has shown you who he is. You dodged a bullet.
You'll be okay! 4 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Online dating gave me lots of opportunities to practice the Buddhist concept of Non-attachment
There was once a man I really liked, but between work, kids, exes, he was just way too busy to be in sync with me.
Most likely though, it means this particular man has moved on, and you should too.
On the plus side, better to know this now.
Ps - men who don't give you a reason often do this because they've met someone else but want to keep you as an option. This is disqualifying as far as I am concerned.
I just find it insane that between last Wednesday and Thursday - they moved on.
There was another man I really liked, and we had a great time when together, but in between he was radio silent for long stretches of time. He was a fabulous cook and had other good qualities, so I put up with this and dated him casually, on his terms.
I thought I meant nothing to him, but when I posted publicly that I was moving back to MA, he was upset. (I might have stayed in FL with him if we'd had a different sort of relationship.)2 -
Are there any other people dating out there? Do you talk daily? If you don't - does it bother you? Am I reading too much into things? Being too excited? Expecting too much?
I can only speak from my experience but way back during my dating days I wouldn't have daily contact with the woman I was interested in. I did however try to make sure our time together or phone conversations were more about quality than quantity. Each person is different though. I am an introvert and an artist so I need my alone time plus I can lose an entire weekend in my studio if I am in the zone and not communicate with anyone. I would make that clear to who I was dating at any given time and make sure there was an understanding in regards to both of our time. My wife didn't have an issue with that and we long distance dated for quite a long time before I moved to where she was.
Take a step back and try not to read into anything just yet. New relationships are exciting for sure. Matching each others energy levels takes some work and it doesn't always work out. That being said you left the ball in his court and that is the best option because you will find out whether he's into you or not and if his personality is just more lowkey when it comes to communication. He may just need time to recharge so to speak.
Honestly if he has moved on its for the best. Life is way to short to spend your energy on someone who won't come to a compromise on communication in some way. It's been a short time as well. Me and my wife had a few bumps in the road in the beginning before things worked out.5 -
It may seem strange but, he may really like you--too much, and be afraid of that. Some people are just afraid of getting too close, or he may think you're expecting too much too soon. All I can tell you is that when it's right, you'll know it.
I agree with those that say to cool it down. Let go and start looking for other possibilities. The next person you meet might just be the one you're waiting for.2 -
I do think we are on different wave lengths, where I am looking for more than him. Might be necessary for me to calm down a little and keep myself busy rather than obsessing over a boy. I think it's something I'm going to have to work on, in order not to scare people away when/if I do really like them. He did message me back today - so I think I'll just have to be nonchalant and try not to show as much concern/affection as I had been doing.1
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I do think we are on different wave lengths, where I am looking for more than him. Might be necessary for me to calm down a little and keep myself busy rather than obsessing over a boy. I think it's something I'm going to have to work on, in order not to scare people away when/if I do really like them. He did message me back today - so I think I'll just have to be nonchalant and try not to show as much concern/affection as I had been doing.
Just enjoy life. Go out and do the things you like to do. Never a bad thing to play a little hard to get as in don't always be available to him or chase him. Sounds like such high schoolish advice but I think it holds true anyways. If someone feels things are moving too fast they might be thinking whoa there!
Don't hold tons of expectations from a month of dating. Try to reign your heart in a little bit; if something grows great. If not, then just enjoy your time with him.
Good luck finding someone who's perfect for you. 0 -
I gave up on online dating. For my personality, it just really doesn't work, and I don't think it really works great for most people unless you're mostly looking for a hookup or have a TON of time to invest in it.
Some dating "here's your sign" and/or "stop that woman!" that I've learned in our modern world:- If they stop texting, HYS
- If you are sending 3, 4, 5+ texts for every one of theirs, HYS
- If they are busy, but won't commit a specific future time either, HYS
- If they are evasive about what they are busy with, HYS
- If it's been under 3 months, and you're freaking out about them for ANY reason, HYS
- If you're the only one asking the other person about their life, HYS
- If, after the first few dates/month they only get together with you when it's convenient/they're not busy/they have some free time, HYS
- If all of their current/past relationship problems are/were "her" fault (especially if they still have to deal with exes due to some reason), not just HYS, just freaking RUN
- If after a few months they still have no interest in including you in anything personal (meeting their friends or family, joining them in the things going on in their life even when it's not "fun," etc), HYS
For me, with my attachment style, if things seem too good - they are, in fact, horrible. Time for me to run. If things are slightly 'boring' and predictable - that's actually the healthier relationship, it's just not as exciting and the feelings are no where near as strong. If I have very strong feelings in the first few months, I need to GTFO because there is a unhealthy reason I am feeling that way.
If you've been dating for awhile (over a month IMO) and communications start to decrease - that's only natural, as long as it's not turning into one-sided conversations. If you're both adults who had full lives before meeting, then there will come a point you won't need that constant contact. I still think daily, even if it's just a good morning and good night should be expected barring a special day here or there. Some people have much higher communication needs than others, and if you're a high-contact person, then you should discuss that before jumping to conclusions.
Ghosting is different though, and sometimes the communication will RAPIDLY decrease, which I generally find to be a ghosting situation.
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I should mention that there was/is a happy ending for me. I met my partner on OKCupid nine years ago. We are very much in sync on many levels. We both wanted to communicate regularly initially. It may not have been every day, but it was definitely most days.0
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I like Tyler Perry's take on relationships. "If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let them go." "When people leave you, let them go." I can feel the handwriting on the wall before I even read it.2
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It's not 100% but I'd say he more than likely moved on and doesn't have the spine to say it. For your sake I hope I'm wrong but I hope you are able to find peace!0
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It’s a crappy feeling when you feel like you are putting in effort, invested time, want more and don’t know where the other person stands. It’s hard not to take personally if you sense they are pulling away. It might help if you find something to distract yourself from the perseverating thoughts.
Sometimes it is better to walk away without creating a bigger issue, even if you really don’t want to, especially if you see red flags early on. You might not be on the same page. It could be a miscommunication but you won’t know unless you ask. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, then walking away and investing in someone that doesn’t make you guess, might be your answer. Idk - take my two cents with a grain of salt. Best of luck to you.0 -
HoneyBadger302 wrote: »I gave up on online dating. For my personality, it just really doesn't work, and I don't think it really works great for most people unless you're mostly looking for a hookup or have a TON of time to invest in it.
Some dating "here's your sign" and/or "stop that woman!" that I've learned in our modern world:- If they stop texting, HYS
- If you are sending 3, 4, 5+ texts for every one of theirs, HYS
- If they are busy, but won't commit a specific future time either, HYS
- If they are evasive about what they are busy with, HYS
- If it's been under 3 months, and you're freaking out about them for ANY reason, HYS
- If you're the only one asking the other person about their life, HYS
- If, after the first few dates/month they only get together with you when it's convenient/they're not busy/they have some free time, HYS
- If all of their current/past relationship problems are/were "her" fault (especially if they still have to deal with exes due to some reason), not just HYS, just freaking RUN
- If after a few months they still have no interest in including you in anything personal (meeting their friends or family, joining them in the things going on in their life even when it's not "fun," etc), HYS
For me, with my attachment style, if things seem too good - they are, in fact, horrible. Time for me to run. If things are slightly 'boring' and predictable - that's actually the healthier relationship, it's just not as exciting and the feelings are no where near as strong. If I have very strong feelings in the first few months, I need to GTFO because there is a unhealthy reason I am feeling that way.
If you've been dating for awhile (over a month IMO) and communications start to decrease - that's only natural, as long as it's not turning into one-sided conversations. If you're both adults who had full lives before meeting, then there will come a point you won't need that constant contact. I still think daily, even if it's just a good morning and good night should be expected barring a special day here or there. Some people have much higher communication needs than others, and if you're a high-contact person, then you should discuss that before jumping to conclusions.
Ghosting is different though, and sometimes the communication will RAPIDLY decrease, which I generally find to be a ghosting situation.
Maybe this is why I am still single. I still have to deal with my ex because of the kids and honestly, it was all his fault. When we were together everything was my fault, from the traffic, to the temperature of his food whenever he decided to come home, to him hitting me and choking me. So I think I have taken enough blame and the only thing I take responsibility for is how long I stayed4 -
To get back on topic... I would take a step back. My experience with online dating is that you never get a reason. I have been the person carrying the conversation. They are happy to reply and engage, but as soon as I stop I hear nothing more.
So my advice is, wait for him to message you instead of reply to you. If the message never comes then he's just not that into you.1 -
Versicolour wrote: »HoneyBadger302 wrote: »I gave up on online dating. For my personality, it just really doesn't work, and I don't think it really works great for most people unless you're mostly looking for a hookup or have a TON of time to invest in it.
Some dating "here's your sign" and/or "stop that woman!" that I've learned in our modern world:- If they stop texting, HYS
- If you are sending 3, 4, 5+ texts for every one of theirs, HYS
- If they are busy, but won't commit a specific future time either, HYS
- If they are evasive about what they are busy with, HYS
- If it's been under 3 months, and you're freaking out about them for ANY reason, HYS
- If you're the only one asking the other person about their life, HYS
- If, after the first few dates/month they only get together with you when it's convenient/they're not busy/they have some free time, HYS
- If all of their current/past relationship problems are/were "her" fault (especially if they still have to deal with exes due to some reason), not just HYS, just freaking RUN
- If after a few months they still have no interest in including you in anything personal (meeting their friends or family, joining them in the things going on in their life even when it's not "fun," etc), HYS
For me, with my attachment style, if things seem too good - they are, in fact, horrible. Time for me to run. If things are slightly 'boring' and predictable - that's actually the healthier relationship, it's just not as exciting and the feelings are no where near as strong. If I have very strong feelings in the first few months, I need to GTFO because there is a unhealthy reason I am feeling that way.
If you've been dating for awhile (over a month IMO) and communications start to decrease - that's only natural, as long as it's not turning into one-sided conversations. If you're both adults who had full lives before meeting, then there will come a point you won't need that constant contact. I still think daily, even if it's just a good morning and good night should be expected barring a special day here or there. Some people have much higher communication needs than others, and if you're a high-contact person, then you should discuss that before jumping to conclusions.
Ghosting is different though, and sometimes the communication will RAPIDLY decrease, which I generally find to be a ghosting situation.
Maybe this is why I am still single. I still have to deal with my ex because of the kids and honestly, it was all his fault. When we were together everything was my fault, from the traffic, to the temperature of his food whenever he decided to come home, to him hitting me and choking me. So I think I have taken enough blame and the only thing I take responsibility for is how long I stayed
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I hope you're doing ok now!1 -
boilerdawg2009 wrote: »Versicolour wrote: »HoneyBadger302 wrote: »I gave up on online dating. For my personality, it just really doesn't work, and I don't think it really works great for most people unless you're mostly looking for a hookup or have a TON of time to invest in it.
Some dating "here's your sign" and/or "stop that woman!" that I've learned in our modern world:- If they stop texting, HYS
- If you are sending 3, 4, 5+ texts for every one of theirs, HYS
- If they are busy, but won't commit a specific future time either, HYS
- If they are evasive about what they are busy with, HYS
- If it's been under 3 months, and you're freaking out about them for ANY reason, HYS
- If you're the only one asking the other person about their life, HYS
- If, after the first few dates/month they only get together with you when it's convenient/they're not busy/they have some free time, HYS
- If all of their current/past relationship problems are/were "her" fault (especially if they still have to deal with exes due to some reason), not just HYS, just freaking RUN
- If after a few months they still have no interest in including you in anything personal (meeting their friends or family, joining them in the things going on in their life even when it's not "fun," etc), HYS
For me, with my attachment style, if things seem too good - they are, in fact, horrible. Time for me to run. If things are slightly 'boring' and predictable - that's actually the healthier relationship, it's just not as exciting and the feelings are no where near as strong. If I have very strong feelings in the first few months, I need to GTFO because there is a unhealthy reason I am feeling that way.
If you've been dating for awhile (over a month IMO) and communications start to decrease - that's only natural, as long as it's not turning into one-sided conversations. If you're both adults who had full lives before meeting, then there will come a point you won't need that constant contact. I still think daily, even if it's just a good morning and good night should be expected barring a special day here or there. Some people have much higher communication needs than others, and if you're a high-contact person, then you should discuss that before jumping to conclusions.
Ghosting is different though, and sometimes the communication will RAPIDLY decrease, which I generally find to be a ghosting situation.
Maybe this is why I am still single. I still have to deal with my ex because of the kids and honestly, it was all his fault. When we were together everything was my fault, from the traffic, to the temperature of his food whenever he decided to come home, to him hitting me and choking me. So I think I have taken enough blame and the only thing I take responsibility for is how long I stayed
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I hope you're doing ok now!
Thank you. Yeah, it took me a while to recover, but I am all good now. I had a great support system and my kids are my reason for living. Best of all, I don't have to deal with him most of the time!3
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