Having a hard time

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Replies

  • boilerdawg2009
    boilerdawg2009 Posts: 979 Member
    I gave up on online dating. For my personality, it just really doesn't work, and I don't think it really works great for most people unless you're mostly looking for a hookup or have a TON of time to invest in it.

    Some dating "here's your sign" and/or "stop that woman!" that I've learned in our modern world:
    • If they stop texting, HYS
    • If you are sending 3, 4, 5+ texts for every one of theirs, HYS
    • If they are busy, but won't commit a specific future time either, HYS
    • If they are evasive about what they are busy with, HYS
    • If it's been under 3 months, and you're freaking out about them for ANY reason, HYS
    • If you're the only one asking the other person about their life, HYS
    • If, after the first few dates/month they only get together with you when it's convenient/they're not busy/they have some free time, HYS
    • If all of their current/past relationship problems are/were "her" fault (especially if they still have to deal with exes due to some reason), not just HYS, just freaking RUN
    • If after a few months they still have no interest in including you in anything personal (meeting their friends or family, joining them in the things going on in their life even when it's not "fun," etc), HYS

    For me, with my attachment style, if things seem too good - they are, in fact, horrible. Time for me to run. If things are slightly 'boring' and predictable - that's actually the healthier relationship, it's just not as exciting and the feelings are no where near as strong. If I have very strong feelings in the first few months, I need to GTFO because there is a unhealthy reason I am feeling that way.

    If you've been dating for awhile (over a month IMO) and communications start to decrease - that's only natural, as long as it's not turning into one-sided conversations. If you're both adults who had full lives before meeting, then there will come a point you won't need that constant contact. I still think daily, even if it's just a good morning and good night should be expected barring a special day here or there. Some people have much higher communication needs than others, and if you're a high-contact person, then you should discuss that before jumping to conclusions.

    Ghosting is different though, and sometimes the communication will RAPIDLY decrease, which I generally find to be a ghosting situation.

    Maybe this is why I am still single. I still have to deal with my ex because of the kids and honestly, it was all his fault. When we were together everything was my fault, from the traffic, to the temperature of his food whenever he decided to come home, to him hitting me and choking me. So I think I have taken enough blame and the only thing I take responsibility for is how long I stayed

    I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I hope you're doing ok now!

    Thank you. Yeah, it took me a while to recover, but I am all good now. I had a great support system and my kids are my reason for living. Best of all, I don't have to deal with him most of the time!

    I'm glad to hear that! Reach out if you want another friend!
  • R3d_butt3rfly_
    R3d_butt3rfly_ Posts: 1,502 Member
    It's been awhile since I dated but this sounds to me like maybe he lost the thrill of getting to know you and lost some interest along the way. My advice when it comes to romantic or friendship relationships is to be realistic. Don't romantize people who don't make you a priority. Sometimes we are so available for people that we are blinded at the fact that we aren't wanted or needed anymore but their non-recipricating behavior is a big red flag.
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 961 Member
    jadu1536 wrote: »
    I do think we are on different wave lengths, where I am looking for more than him. Might be necessary for me to calm down a little and keep myself busy rather than obsessing over a boy. I think it's something I'm going to have to work on, in order not to scare people away when/if I do really like them. He did message me back today - so I think I'll just have to be nonchalant and try not to show as much concern/affection as I had been doing.

    I know how you feel. I am reading a book called "Attached" about adult attachment styles in romantic relationships, and I identify most with the "anxious attachment" style, and you may, too. I get really excited about someone right away and don't hide it well when we seem to be hitting it off. I start to get worried if he doesn't respond to my text right away. This sometimes seemed to scare guys off, especially those who are the "avoidant" attachment type. I read the advice about acting nonchalant, not responding to his texts right away, not always calling, playing "hard to get, etc." However, this book I'm reading actually advises against taking that approach if it's not naturally you. The reason is is that you'll hopefully find a secure attachment person, where that approach isn't necessary. I'm not saying repeatedly call or text a guy, but I think checking in if you haven't heard in awhile when you previously had been communicating regularly isn't a bad thing.

    I have recently reconnected with an old flame from my past (almost 22 years ago), as I'm newly single. We haven't seen each other in person again yet as we're a state away, but we're planning too VERY soon (this weekend or next). What's so awesome about this guy is that now and back then, we connected right away, had amazing chemistry, and we both really liked each other and we knew it. The reason it didn't work out back then was because he was in the military and was overseas and traveling all around for years and years, while I moved to begin my career. Anyway, in reconnecting with him I found myself getting those anxious thoughts in my head when I wouldn't hear from him right away, thinking he was losing interest, and starting to think I needed to take the advice of "playing hard to get." That didn't last long, because that's not me. The thing is, we are both very honest with one another and I'm not playing hard to get, we both clearly know we like one another and that amazing chemistry is still there and we've only gotten closer. I absolutely logically know logically if I don't hear from him it's because he's busy and prefers to talk on the phone than text. He actually went to his friend's lakehouse and texted me before he got there that I probably wouldn't hear from him for a few days because he'd have no reception there. I was fine during that time I knew he'd be gone but this morning I started to get that anxious feeling wondering when I'd hear from him. Well, he texted me as soon as he got back, and then we talked for over two hours on the phone later.

    I gushed about this guy so much not to make you feel bad but 1. It's hard for me not too :smile: but 2. I've found that just being completely myself and talking myself down from the ledge when I get anxious, as well as figuring out his communication style and learning to really trust what he says, I feel really good about it. Obviously, it's too soon for us to tell, but I also know that if he started to lose interest he would tell me and not just do the "slow fade." If a guy starts to ghost you without being upfront, he is not the one for you.
  • Hiawassee88
    Hiawassee88 Posts: 35,754 Member
    You have to ask yourself the hard questions. When someone makes it abundantly clear that they don't give a flying duck about your feelings....what exactly are you trying to salvage?

    Too many apps and too many options. I'm not into texting and all of the hippy dippy happy horsesheet that goes along with it.
    I want to sit down with someone face-to-face. I like hard hitting honesty that looks you directly in the eye.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,400 Member
    You have to ask yourself the hard questions. When someone makes it abundantly clear that they don't give a flying duck about your feelings....what exactly are you trying to salvage?

    Too many apps and too many options. I'm not into texting and all of the hippy dippy happy horsesheet that goes along with it.
    I want to sit down with someone face-to-face. I like hard hitting honesty that looks you directly in the eye.

    Welcome back!!
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
    That amazing euphoria that hits when sparks fly and you want to spend every minute with them, just feels....well, amazing. :) It's too bad it doesn't last forever. :(

    OP I'm not saying this because of what you're going through specifically but what just about every single person feels at one point or another. I like @Speakeasy76 's take on it though. Sometimes you have to trust the other person, base it on their actions more than words. Words can feel so cheap and hollow when they're not followed up by actions. :(

    Slow and easy, patience, keeping your eyes/ears open and heart ready but cautious. :)
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 961 Member
    edited February 2022
    jadu1536 wrote: »
    The guy I have been talking about messaged me yesterday and said that he feels bad that he’s been busy and hasn’t been able to reply to me on time lately. He explained that he’s just been busy with having two jobs and that he feels bad communication has been poor but once he’s back from his work trip, we should get together because he does enjoy spending time with me So I’m going to work on not texting him at all and just see if he initiates any communication or contact - but I do feel bad and find it hard. I wonder if I will ever hear from him again or that’s an exit method.

    That's good to hear! Hopefully he's being truthful and if not, then he's not worth your time or stress anymore. I know dating is hard, especially when you've had negative past experiences. I know exactly what it's like to feel like you're hitting it off and then the guy doesn't seem to be reciprocating.

    If you makes you feel any better, there ARE guys who are secure enough in themselves to not play games and be honest when they feel things aren't right. The guy I've been talking to that I gushed about in my post above actually told me last night that what he's always liked about me is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and with me, what you see is what you get. I told him that that's true, if I like someone I can't hide it, which can scare off a lot of guys. But, they are out there! You just gotta learn to read the signs, trust him if his actions and words match, and keep yourself occupied and remind yourself how awesome you are to quiet that inner anxiety. If I had let my anxiety taken over and questioned over and over why he didn't get back to me or texted repeatedly, I would have probably scared him off.
  • jadu1536
    jadu1536 Posts: 112 Member
    jadu1536 wrote: »
    The guy I have been talking about messaged me yesterday and said that he feels bad that he’s been busy and hasn’t been able to reply to me on time lately. He explained that he’s just been busy with having two jobs and that he feels bad communication has been poor but once he’s back from his work trip, we should get together because he does enjoy spending time with me So I’m going to work on not texting him at all and just see if he initiates any communication or contact - but I do feel bad and find it hard. I wonder if I will ever hear from him again or that’s an exit method.

    That's good to hear! Hopefully he's being truthful and if not, then he's not worth your time or stress anymore. I know dating is hard, especially when you've had negative past experiences. I know exactly what it's like to feel like you're hitting it off and then the guy doesn't seem to be reciprocating.

    If you makes you feel any better, there ARE guys who are secure enough in themselves to not play games and be honest when they feel things aren't right. The guy I've been talking to that I gushed about in my post above actually told me last night that what he's always liked about me is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and with me, what you see is what you get. I told him that that's true, if I like someone I can't hide it, which can scare off a lot of guys. But, they are out there! You just gotta learn to read the signs, trust him if his actions and words match, and keep yourself occupied and remind yourself how awesome you are to quiet that inner anxiety. If I had let my anxiety taken over and questioned over and over why he didn't get back to me or texted repeatedly, I would have probably scared him off.

    I hope he is telling the truth and will reach out when he comes back. The only texts I sent him this week were in regards to software that is popular for accounting, and some information on sleep apnea, which he had asked me to send him, and he was responding, just way later in the day. I never messaged him giving him crap about not texting or calling, he reached out himself, I hope I didn't go over board with the texting, but its hard to say. I will just let nature take its course. I sent him a long message yesterday explaining that he doesn't need to say sorry - if he's busy, he's busy. We can always catch up when time allows it, and he has my contact info, so he can contact me when he's ready. I also wished him safe travels.

    I hope to hear back from him in the next few weeks, but if not - then I guess maybe it's not meant to be.
    Everyone keeps saying that the nice/right guys are out there, but I just can't seem to find them!
  • Hiawassee88
    Hiawassee88 Posts: 35,754 Member
    edited February 2022
    @snowflake954

    My feet hit the floor this morning with this thought. My family has the market all sewn UP when it comes to 'ghosting'.
    We don't say Goodbye. There are others like me but you don't know them. Elders get UP from the supper table,
    get in their pickup and drive away. You can wring your hands and wonder if they're mad, sad or glad but they're gone.

    You can read all of the books you want about ghosting and love styles. That's taking one person's opinion as gospel for
    how you should conduct your life. Goodbyes and Closures seldom satisfy and euphemisms fall flatter than a flounder.

    Trust your instincts. I know whom I'm talking to regardless of how many faces or disguises someone uses. In person or online. I know. This is the internet and there may be 50,000 ways to describe a situation but I know. I can feel it. So can you if you hone your instincts.

    If someone is messing with your head - let them eat your dust. Your life is too valuable.
  • jadu1536
    jadu1536 Posts: 112 Member
    @snowflake954

    My feet hit the floor this morning with this thought. My family has the market all sewn UP when it comes to 'ghosting'.
    We don't say Goodbye. There are others like me but you don't know them. Elders get UP from the supper table,
    get in their pickup and drive away. You can wring your hands and wonder if they're mad, sad or glad but they're gone.

    You can read all of the books you want about ghosting and love styles. That's taking one person's opinion as gospel for
    how you should conduct your life. Goodbyes and Closures seldom satisfy and euphemisms fall flatter than a flounder.

    Trust your instincts. I know whom I'm talking to regardless of how many faces or disguises someone uses. In person or online. I know. This is the internet and there may be 50,000 ways to describe a situation but I know. I can feel it. So can you if you hone your instincts.

    If someone is messing with your head - let them eat your dust. Your life is too valuable.

    True! Life is too valuable and too short!
  • Hiawassee88
    Hiawassee88 Posts: 35,754 Member
    edited February 2022
    @jadu1536

    I had you in mind. Don't you worry one more day about that yayhoo. Let them eat your dust, you will not be deterred.
  • boilerdawg2009
    boilerdawg2009 Posts: 979 Member
    jadu1536 wrote: »
    The guy I have been talking about messaged me yesterday and said that he feels bad that he’s been busy and hasn’t been able to reply to me on time lately. He explained that he’s just been busy with having two jobs and that he feels bad communication has been poor but once he’s back from his work trip, we should get together because he does enjoy spending time with me So I’m going to work on not texting him at all and just see if he initiates any communication or contact - but I do feel bad and find it hard. I wonder if I will ever hear from him again or that’s an exit method.

    I'm glad you at least got some response. It still seems a little odd that he would show so much interest and then all of a sudden use work as his excuse for going quiet. Hopefully it works out but be cautious!
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 961 Member
    jadu1536 wrote: »
    jadu1536 wrote: »
    The guy I have been talking about messaged me yesterday and said that he feels bad that he’s been busy and hasn’t been able to reply to me on time lately. He explained that he’s just been busy with having two jobs and that he feels bad communication has been poor but once he’s back from his work trip, we should get together because he does enjoy spending time with me So I’m going to work on not texting him at all and just see if he initiates any communication or contact - but I do feel bad and find it hard. I wonder if I will ever hear from him again or that’s an exit method.

    That's good to hear! Hopefully he's being truthful and if not, then he's not worth your time or stress anymore. I know dating is hard, especially when you've had negative past experiences. I know exactly what it's like to feel like you're hitting it off and then the guy doesn't seem to be reciprocating.

    If you makes you feel any better, there ARE guys who are secure enough in themselves to not play games and be honest when they feel things aren't right. The guy I've been talking to that I gushed about in my post above actually told me last night that what he's always liked about me is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and with me, what you see is what you get. I told him that that's true, if I like someone I can't hide it, which can scare off a lot of guys. But, they are out there! You just gotta learn to read the signs, trust him if his actions and words match, and keep yourself occupied and remind yourself how awesome you are to quiet that inner anxiety. If I had let my anxiety taken over and questioned over and over why he didn't get back to me or texted repeatedly, I would have probably scared him off.

    I hope he is telling the truth and will reach out when he comes back. The only texts I sent him this week were in regards to software that is popular for accounting, and some information on sleep apnea, which he had asked me to send him, and he was responding, just way later in the day. I never messaged him giving him crap about not texting or calling, he reached out himself, I hope I didn't go over board with the texting, but its hard to say. I will just let nature take its course. I sent him a long message yesterday explaining that he doesn't need to say sorry - if he's busy, he's busy. We can always catch up when time allows it, and he has my contact info, so he can contact me when he's ready. I also wished him safe travels.

    I hope to hear back from him in the next few weeks, but if not - then I guess maybe it's not meant to be.
    Everyone keeps saying that the nice/right guys are out there, but I just can't seem to find them!

    It sounds like you're playing it cool, but I know that anxiety you feel. I tell myself all the time if things were meant to work out they would, and things happen for a reason. I seriously hope things work out with the guy I'm talking to now, because the thought of actually doing the whole dating thing again at my age absolutely terrifies me! There are a lot of frogs out there, unfortunately.
  • Hiawassee88
    Hiawassee88 Posts: 35,754 Member
    Generally speaking, I only refer to the internet as a whole. One of the biggest drawbacks while dating is putting that person on a pedestal. It's easy to lose or morph yourself into the other person's behaviors, likes and interests. If you catch yourself doing that you've entered into the sharky waters. If you modify your personality thinking they'll find you more interesting you're taking it to the razor's edge.

    The halo effect where you find the other person perfect in every way is a smoke signal. If you start losing contact with your family members and friends by making them your ultimate priority you're skating on thin ice. If you feel rejection because they're not in constant contact - the very thing you fear the most may come to pass.

    If they're on your mind all the livelong day and night, it's easy to fall apart when they need some space and distance. Breathe and give them some living room.
  • jadu1536
    jadu1536 Posts: 112 Member
    @jadu1536

    I had you in mind. Don't you worry one more day about that yayhoo. Let them eat your dust, you will not be deterred.

    @Washboard12 As I have cut down contacting them - they started initiating some contact on their own. So I'm just taking it slow and steady
  • Mangoperson88
    Mangoperson88 Posts: 339 Member
    I think it's a bit overwhelming for him if y'all got on so well. That kinda puts guys in pensive mode. So I think you should back off a little. Be unavailable. Then if he misses you he'll open up to you.
  • Hiawassee88
    Hiawassee88 Posts: 35,754 Member
    jadu1536 wrote: »

    @Washboard12 As I have cut down contacting them - they started initiating some contact on their own. So I'm just taking it slow and steady

    Don't waste a second of your time convincing anyone you're worth loving. If I had a dollar for every friend who was put on the backburner while some selfish sonuvagun waited for someone better to come along, I'd be a multi-millionaire. They usually end up marrying that other person ASAP while they kept the other hanging in the balance for years. Don't do it. You need to find your person.