Health Management and Mental Health
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shel80kg
Posts: 155 Member
After many cycles of weight gain and weight loss, I am approaching the daunting process again. This forum offers the best of the best in terms of info, resources, points of view, support and practical documenting strategies. And yet....I stop using the forum when my old habits sneak in the back door and suddenly I look at the scales, feel the tightness in my shirts and pants and realise that I am back in obese land. I am pretty sure that stress, depression, and anxiety, my old friends correlate with my eating behaviours so my hope is that I can/we can share our journeys together from a mental health point of view. Sound interesting? If the forum folks allow me to....I am all in . Let me know what you think?
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Well, Day 2
Just landed in Ketoland. The world of avocados, meat, vegetables and seafood. Say goodbye, for now, to chips and chocolates, cakes and yes.....popcorn. I was listening to a podcast today about food addictions. Oh my goodness. In the past, me thinkest I had protested too much. I was/am an addict. There is a saying in the eating disorder world. It is not what you are eating....it is what eating you?? Food is my mate, my lover, my avoidance magic carpet and my go to. Lot's of reasons for this...and that is why G-d created therapists. But....in the absence of sitting on the "sofa", suffice to say that there has to be a better way to deal with my "stuff" and I ain't going to eat my way out of my sadness and hurt. So stomach.....this is notice to you. I will love and respect you and not make you my psychological chariot. We will try and do it a different way. Won't promise but will do my best. You were never the problem. I just didn't consider what I have been making you digest and process. I will take more responsibility for how I have treated you and a bit more mature/scientific about it. We are going to learn to love and accept one another and be on the same page. No more war. Just friendship and respect. Bring it on.
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July 12th.....Broke my routine of intermittent fasting and Keto and had a lovely breakfast including smashed avacado, smoked salmon a a small bit of bread and some greens. May get kicked out of Ketoland but I am not religious about it. We are not meant to starve for too long as far as I can tell and Keto occurs when our body things we are starving. I just need to slow my obsessive thinking down as I did not get fat over night...it was months/years in the making. I sure want fast results but the body can only achieve so much so fast. It is good to be writing this. I took this big body for a 6 km walk this morning and this will be my plan most mornings.I am going to try and follow the eating plan recommended by this platform. It makes good sense. Just wish it was easier but,,, it is what it is.
Thanks for reading. Do you struggle as much as me? Would love to hear your stories.
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Hmmm. Feels like I am talking to myself but hey, one day there may be someone out there who lets me know something interesting about them.
Good news, The Keto G-ds didn't exile me for very long and I am back in the kingdom. Not sure if there are any immediate benefits as the scales are still stubbornly pointing to those awful numbers on the scale and my clothes are still tight. I know I know... I am looking for fast results. This may be a remnant of my ADHD and I do not want to use this as an excuse but I am an impatient, restless guy who wants immediate gratification and success. Could be related also to child-hood trauma and a sense of deprivation and the ensuing need to never want to feel hungry and lonely. There, that is my psychology for the day. Despite all of the early child-hood experiences and possible hardwiring issues, I still have choices and information and if I can focus on the positives and keep moving forward, I will achieve this. I think we need to know ourselves, process unresolved and distressing memories and learn to love and accept ourselves, fat or skinny. Thanks for letting e ramble and I hope in some small way my posts may of use. Have a lovely Thursday .
Shel
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Hello, sliding on in to say I feel you. My mental health is completely and utterly consumed by my eating habits and vice versa. Like you, when I'm on (weighing, tracking, engaging) I'm great and then as soon as one slips, it all slips.
For me, I have come to realise that food isn't a comfort or my friend, it's a self harm mechanism. Mental health tanks, guilt sets in, I start bombarding my body with the stuff that's the absolute worst for it, not because it makes me happy or feel good, but the opposite, it's a punishment.
I also tend to have avoidance issues when my mental health is bad - I stop going into the garden so it gets out of hand, I refuse to look in the back of the fridge or the crisper, so it goes manky, housework goes undone, and I enter this cycle where my environment matches my mental state. It really is all tied together.
Also like you, I look for fast results and get angry and impatient when I don't get them. "why am I suffering if it's not doing any good?" I ask, all of a week in when the scale hasn't budged. I also suffer from having walked down the weight hill so many times that a loss isn't a victory, it's just a "well I should never have been back at that weight anyway" feeling, so victories are harder to celebrate.
The other issue I'm dealing with back on the bandwagon is that right now I'm enthused, getting extra walks in, getting off the train a station early, getting those little extra wins, all while the voice in my head says "you're going to stop doing that, so why are you bothering now, you should be looking to build lasting habits, not this surge of enthusiasm which won't last" to which my logic brain says "but why can't it last? why should it stop? why can't this be my new routine? and the only thing stopping that is that it hasn't worked yet, the myriad of times I've tried (and, in fact, succeeded to a point).
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and you are not alone in your struggles, and you're not speaking into the void
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Hi
Just found this thread, and you're talking (well, technically writing) to me.
So, apparently I'm a control freak. When life becomes too much for me to deal with, I handle it by taking control. I control who I meet / spend time with (think: I'd rather hike alone, than going to a party), my calorie balance (through overly restricting eating and excessive workouts), excessively cleaning (well, vacuuming since have two dogs) and even try controlling the control needs (if that makes sense). The control works wonders. I feel invincible. For a short time. Until I collapse. And get "depressed" (in " " as not medically diagnosed, just feeling very low and dark). And at that time will eat either nothing at all for a period of time, and then mostly junk. Out of control, not binging or massive amounts, just unhealthy and more than I need. Then take control again, and new cycle begins.
Trying to do things differently now, by working on habits and patterns to help bring me through the dark days without straying to far, and coping tools to deal with life stress. And also practicing the art of sharing, trying to let my better half contribute to a healthier me.
Hope you're having a great day!
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Hey Shel! I'm sorry I didn't come across this post before and not sure how I missed it, except to say I did take a few days off. I've been on this site for about 3 years(?) and have had my ups and downs throughout it all. Right now, I'm back to struggles and challenges but will get back to it. The best way for me to stay on track is the consistent logging and knowing where I stand in my daily calorie goals. But the consistency has been escaping me for the past 2+ weeks. Plus I think my goal was to reach 140 and stay there. I'm a 68 yo F 5'9". But every time I've hit 140-141, some stupid whisper gets inside my head and that's when I either get bored/am afraid to reach end point/figure I now deserve treats, etc. Tuesday all I did was eat. And the sugar-filled fat-filled tastes really good stuff that I try to severely limit because I know myself and know I cannot stop at one thing.
I hope trying Keto works for you!! It sounds pretty healthy, salmon yum!! Avocadoes Yum!!
But yeh, I'm here with you and your struggles. It is definitely mind over matter most days for me, and you are not alone in your struggles. Well, that's clearly an understatement because look at what a multi-million or billion dollar enterprise dieting/losing weight, eating healthier has become. It all comes down to finding the best way to live healthy for each of us and what'll work for the rest of our lives.
Good luck with your endeavors!!2 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »Hello, sliding on in to say I feel you. My mental health is completely and utterly consumed by my eating habits and vice versa. Like you, when I'm on (weighing, tracking, engaging) I'm great and then as soon as one slips, it all slips.
For me, I have come to realise that food isn't a comfort or my friend, it's a self harm mechanism. Mental health tanks, guilt sets in, I start bombarding my body with the stuff that's the absolute worst for it, not because it makes me happy or feel good, but the opposite, it's a punishment.
I also tend to have avoidance issues when my mental health is bad - I stop going into the garden so it gets out of hand, I refuse to look in the back of the fridge or the crisper, so it goes manky, housework goes undone, and I enter this cycle where my environment matches my mental state. It really is all tied together.
Also like you, I look for fast results and get angry and impatient when I don't get them. "why am I suffering if it's not doing any good?" I ask, all of a week in when the scale hasn't budged. I also suffer from having walked down the weight hill so many times that a loss isn't a victory, it's just a "well I should never have been back at that weight anyway" feeling, so victories are harder to celebrate.
The other issue I'm dealing with back on the bandwagon is that right now I'm enthused, getting extra walks in, getting off the train a station early, getting those little extra wins, all while the voice in my head says "you're going to stop doing that, so why are you bothering now, you should be looking to build lasting habits, not this surge of enthusiasm which won't last" to which my logic brain says "but why can't it last? why should it stop? why can't this be my new routine? and the only thing stopping that is that it hasn't worked yet, the myriad of times I've tried (and, in fact, succeeded to a point).
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and you are not alone in your struggles, and you're not speaking into the void
Yes, as an indication of just how bad things are for me, I neglected my strawberries last month and my peas this month - my two favorite things that I grow.3 -
Hi everyone,
I was so moved to receive some responses. Thank you so much. It is nice to know that my brain is not alone in the variety of ways it has learned to transform psychological issues/patterns/needs into eating behaviours and choices. I really related to your stories and I found both solace and empathy for all of us. Let's approach our bodies as if we are building a friendship that has been impacted by the tyranny of time and life changes. Perhaps we can all just step out of our stories and our narratives and just reintroduce ourselves to a basic truth; which is we are what we think we are and our bodies carry that person wherever we decide to go. How we look after this incredible 30 trillion cells of you and me is within our jurisdiction to a significant extent and what we put in our mouths to offer each of those cells the essential ingredients for their survival is on us. I know this sounds a bit philosophical but I think we need to embrace more than just science and chemistry. We need to focus on our power and maybe acknowledge a "higher one" which may give us the strength to see ourselves as people with choices. We can move from addiction to choice, from fear to courage and impulsivity to discipline if we are gradual, methodical and loving. Wow,,, where did those words come from? Hope I didn't bore you. I do tend to ramble. Well, time for work. Hope you are well and have wins today.
Shel
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I love your posts Shel!!
Wishing you a great and positive day, and strong healthy weekend!0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »Hello, sliding on in to say I feel you. My mental health is completely and utterly consumed by my eating habits and vice versa. Like you, when I'm on (weighing, tracking, engaging) I'm great and then as soon as one slips, it all slips.
For me, I have come to realise that food isn't a comfort or my friend, it's a self harm mechanism. Mental health tanks, guilt sets in, I start bombarding my body with the stuff that's the absolute worst for it, not because it makes me happy or feel good, but the opposite, it's a punishment.
I also tend to have avoidance issues when my mental health is bad - I stop going into the garden so it gets out of hand, I refuse to look in the back of the fridge or the crisper, so it goes manky, housework goes undone, and I enter this cycle where my environment matches my mental state. It really is all tied together.
Also like you, I look for fast results and get angry and impatient when I don't get them. "why am I suffering if it's not doing any good?" I ask, all of a week in when the scale hasn't budged. I also suffer from having walked down the weight hill so many times that a loss isn't a victory, it's just a "well I should never have been back at that weight anyway" feeling, so victories are harder to celebrate.
The other issue I'm dealing with back on the bandwagon is that right now I'm enthused, getting extra walks in, getting off the train a station early, getting those little extra wins, all while the voice in my head says "you're going to stop doing that, so why are you bothering now, you should be looking to build lasting habits, not this surge of enthusiasm which won't last" to which my logic brain says "but why can't it last? why should it stop? why can't this be my new routine? and the only thing stopping that is that it hasn't worked yet, the myriad of times I've tried (and, in fact, succeeded to a point).
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and you are not alone in your struggles, and you're not speaking into the void
Yes, as an indication of just how bad things are for me, I neglected my strawberries last month and my peas this month - my two favorite things that I grow.
I can really relate to this post. I have spinach, lettuce, tomatoes, mushrooms getting ready to be composted because lately what I've been eating and indulging in, have not been those things. I seem to have hit a weaker time in my brain but I know I'll find my way back to the stronger brain cells again.
Sometimes I just gotta be me.2 -
Hi,
I can so relate to you kshama. It does feel like my brain weakens and opens the window to indulgence and deviation from the plan. It is like a part of me doesn't agree with or even at a more primal level has absolutely no interest at all in me being healthy or fit. A dissociated split off part of me (problem developed in child-hood) that learned to fantasise about food and all the yummy things I could never get enough of during the "darker" times When that part is activated, diets, Keto, food regulation blah blah blah BE DAMNED. Hmmmm. May sound like an excuse to those of the fit people out there who just do this eating thing with ease and balance. Obviously there are people "out there" who learned great eating habits at an early age and who never linked eating with managing mood and negative experiences. Sadly, I am not in that enviable group and I am glad that there are people who have an easier time than me and they could probably offer some helpful strategies. Nevertheless, I accept that this is my reality and my truth and I will do my best to work through my issues and figure out how to change my concepts of food and the murky world of eating. I do engage in therapy when necessary and that has been essential in assisting with the underlying traumas that have impacted my life. I think there is help for us if we know where to look and have the courage to reach out. In addition to good therapy, being able to share our stories and our journeys here helps considerably. So... that leads me to say thank you and thank you for listening and sharing.5 -
I've always thought 'other people' had some magical answer or special powers that they used in those bingeing times, to keep them from doing so. I swear there's a switch inside me somewhere, that is currently in the off mode. When I find the on mode again, I'll get back on track and forge on ahead. I admit it's going to be a lifelong battle, up, down, up down. But I KNOW I will never go back up to where I was before. Those fluctuating 10# is hard enough to deal with. If I had those 85# back, well......I don't know......
I have no idea if it's hereditary, past trauma, or my childhood habits that keep me up/down. I know my parents both had a sweet tooth, and a tendency to gain weight. So there'd always be treats available. It was always used as a reward for finishing everything on our plates. But come on, how long can I use learned coping behaviors as my excuse? I'm the solitary owner of this issue and will attack it once again.4 -
Hey ReenieHJ,
I’m sure we have a myriad of memories and experiences which lay the foundation for our eating behaviours. I think we need to identify the core of our learned responses and teach ourselves that we can make different choices. I know we can. Let’s do it as a team. Ok?
Shel
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I actually finally sought out a therapist partly because I was trying all the things that had worked before to lose weight and it just wasn't working. Finally got diagnosed with adhd and learned how it can cause weight gain and binge eating due to low dopamine and bad impulse control. Finally on meds and finding it easier to exercise and stick to calories. The whole lifestyle change and habit making advise just doesn't always work when you're fighting with chemical imbalances in your head.2
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kshama2001 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »Hello, sliding on in to say I feel you. My mental health is completely and utterly consumed by my eating habits and vice versa. Like you, when I'm on (weighing, tracking, engaging) I'm great and then as soon as one slips, it all slips.
For me, I have come to realise that food isn't a comfort or my friend, it's a self harm mechanism. Mental health tanks, guilt sets in, I start bombarding my body with the stuff that's the absolute worst for it, not because it makes me happy or feel good, but the opposite, it's a punishment.
I also tend to have avoidance issues when my mental health is bad - I stop going into the garden so it gets out of hand, I refuse to look in the back of the fridge or the crisper, so it goes manky, housework goes undone, and I enter this cycle where my environment matches my mental state. It really is all tied together.
Also like you, I look for fast results and get angry and impatient when I don't get them. "why am I suffering if it's not doing any good?" I ask, all of a week in when the scale hasn't budged. I also suffer from having walked down the weight hill so many times that a loss isn't a victory, it's just a "well I should never have been back at that weight anyway" feeling, so victories are harder to celebrate.
The other issue I'm dealing with back on the bandwagon is that right now I'm enthused, getting extra walks in, getting off the train a station early, getting those little extra wins, all while the voice in my head says "you're going to stop doing that, so why are you bothering now, you should be looking to build lasting habits, not this surge of enthusiasm which won't last" to which my logic brain says "but why can't it last? why should it stop? why can't this be my new routine? and the only thing stopping that is that it hasn't worked yet, the myriad of times I've tried (and, in fact, succeeded to a point).
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and you are not alone in your struggles, and you're not speaking into the void
Yes, as an indication of just how bad things are for me, I neglected my strawberries last month and my peas this month - my two favorite things that I grow.
I can really relate to this post. I have spinach, lettuce, tomatoes, mushrooms getting ready to be composted because lately what I've been eating and indulging in, have not been those things. I seem to have hit a weaker time in my brain but I know I'll find my way back to the stronger brain cells again.
Sometimes I just gotta be me.
I have said more than once that the fastest way to assess my current mental health is to look in my vegetable crisper, because as soon as I start slipping, I ignore that drawer of the fridge and everything in there slowly turns to sludge... just like my brain, lol.
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Hi All. Relieved to have found this thread… having a yucky PMS day and it’s making me want to eat everything horrible for me. Luckily I don’t have anything horrible in the house, and I’ve got no money. So I’m stuck with only good foods. Locking myself in the bedroom for now, until my son comes looking for me to feed the pets because he won’t want to. My therapist is $80 per session, which is out of my financial reach right now, and my friends are all busy. So here I am! Thanks for letting me vent.5
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Hi Rockani,
Sounds like you are doing it tough with friends who are busy, financial challenges, PMS and the all too familiar reliance on food to sooth your yucky feelings. Well done coping. I guess it is all about breaking patterns and habits and you are doing that. Be kind and gentle with yourself and know that you have friends here. I think there is strength in numbers and together we can support one another through the confronting and difficult moments of temptation and weakness. We are more than our eating habits/compulsions. Think about your body in a positive and loving way and imagine how much better you will feel when you achieve your important goals. You are already on this platform so you are already a winner and certainly taking steps in the right direction. Well done!!
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We are amazing!
No-one can do this for us ....just our amazing selves
No-one can fill our hearts and souls...food won't do it in any sustaining ways
We are the therapy, and we are the cure
Just and always.....our amazing selves
Shel
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I wasn't so amazing yesterday. 4ooo K down my throat. I felt depressed, sad and overwhelmed. I feel like I will never reach my goals and instead will go back to no control or balance. I know this isn't true but it feels like it could be true. I just wanted you to know that I am not immune from doubt and fear. I'll get back to the plan. It just gets hard sometimes. Doesn't it?
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I wasn't so amazing yesterday. 4ooo K down my throat. I felt depressed, sad and overwhelmed. I feel like I will never reach my goals and instead will go back to no control or balance. I know this isn't true but it feels like it could be true. I just wanted you to know that I am not immune from doubt and fear. I'll get back to the plan. It just gets hard sometimes. Doesn't it?
Definitely hard sometimes. But not impossible. We all have days like that. I know I've had days where I cannot shove enough inside to keep me 'full'. Even though I feel like I'm bursting at the seams. I recently went through a week like that +/-, ended up gaining 3# so got back to it on Monday. I re-entered new numbers and goals, made sure my fridge was packed with healthy choices and have entered every single morsel that passed my lips.
My goal is to stay 98% committed but not strict, get enough protein and add more veggies. If I feel myself thinking those negative 'need food NOW' thoughts but know I'm not really that kind of hungry, I'll either grab some gum, go outside to my garden, read, find something to do that'll take my mind away, drink some SF hot chocolate(I know, crazy right now but it does help) or a cup of coffee.
I also do a lot of self-talk, telling myself my goals, or that I can wait another hour til dinner and then I'll have........ Something else I imagine a lot is gaining 20-25#(like I did last fall) and picture myself having to up my size again.
No person is perfect. We all have to be gentle with ourselves, ask us what can get us to where we want to be and wake up to a new day, new thoughts.
Good luck!!!!
ETA: You are so wrong. You are amazing every day, because you're here. You're trying. With every try you're learning. You're gaining experience. Even if you've done this 100x(like me ) that next effort will be the one that works. So don't give up, but keep getting up to start again.3
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