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Obsession With Other People's Opinions
johnlauramoore1
Posts: 7 Member
in Debate Club
Opening a can of worms here, but I believe this discussion is necessary. I am wondering what other people's thoughts are regarding our current obsession with worrying what others think of us. It seems that in our modern society, we are caught up in worrying about what other people think of us. Why? I believe this is one of the greatest reasons for all of the psychological and mental health issues of today. Why must we constantly be "validated" by others to feel good about ourselves? I understand support and encouragement and realize it is both good and necessary for everyone. However, when all is said and done, I could really care less what people think of me. If you like me for who and what I am, great. If not, go soak your empty head in a toilet for all I care. Fat, skinny, obese, thin, tall, short - who cares and why should I care what others think of me? I joined MFP to lose weight and get healthy because I was tired of me not because someone else's opinion of me mattered. Am I alone here?
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I fully trust those who are 80 and above. They know how to keep their egos in check. I embrace my go-to geriatrics network. They know how to sound the alarm when anyone gets too big for their britches. The only thing they worry about is someone stealing their priceless artifacts and valuables. Think Ming vase, "vozz".
They know when someone is pulling the wool over their eyes or answers out of their bu##. No one has all of the answers. No one has a perfectly polished life. Trying to make someone else feel or look dumb does not make anyone feel better.
The very first step is just be you. You can never fail at being you. It's the only thing we can't fail at. I celebrate diversity and the inclusion revolution. Let it be. Let it go. You do you and don't be afraid to say what you know and how you feel. I don't have to be wrong so you can be right. Give everyone permission to be authentic. If you think you're the smartest person in the room...you're in the wrong room.7 -
I think there is a middle ground between requiring constant validation and not caring what anyone else says or thinks.
A healthy and secure person can still seek an opinion from someone they trust. Often times, it can be very helpful to see a situation from a different point of view, or from an outsider looking in. In my opinion, people who routinely reject the viewpoints of everyone else are being short-sighted.
I also think it's natural to want to be seen as a smart, attractive, kind, friendly person...or whatever traits may be important to you. No, it's not healthy to obsess about what people think of you, and you should never make yourself unhappy in order to please other people, but I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to portray a positive image.
You may SAY you don't couldn't care less about what anyone thinks of you, but I imagine that's not totally true. If you were going to a wedding, would you wear shorts and a t-shirt or do you dress up? Do you shower and comb your hair when you go out? Do you say everything that's on your mind, or sometimes filter your comments depending on who you are chatting with?
We do these things because they are socially appropriate, but also because we don't want to come off as a slob or disrespectful, or a jerk. A person who truly didn't care about what anyone thinks wouldn't bother.14 -
I think it only looks like a new thing because in today's world we have the ability to broadcast ourselves to a much wider audience to seek that attention or validation. It certainly existed before the internet age, just on a much smaller and intimate scale.
Basically, people who have low self-esteem tend to seek external validation. And that's definitely not a new concept.
I certainly care about what the people close to me think of me, that's normal and healthy. But I'm not putting myself out there on social media to earn "likes" from a bunch of strangers because I find that pretty meaningless.5 -
Well . . . there's a lot going on in that neighborhood, metaphorically speaking.
I don't think this is truly some new thing. Many people have been conscious of fitting in, wanting to do that, to be cool in the eyes of their social set. It's part of how human societies hang together, I think: Aspiration, wanting to be admired, performance, accomplishment, envy, posturing, etc. I think we're wired to do some of it.
Social media have probably increased the visibility of people posturing, showing a false front about how cool they are, although fakery and it's fandom ("keeping up with the Joneses") has long been a thing. There have always been people who are less self-confident, more desirous of fitting in or being "good normal", and the ubiquity of misleading influencers pulls them in deeper. Marketing that profits from people believing they're "not enough" is likely to exacerbate the problem, and that's been a bigger and growing deal since . . . maybe the 1940s-50s?
Even in cases where someone is a little obsessive and therefore accomplishes a lot in some realm (could be appearance or fitness), but isn't misrepresenting or posturing, unconfident people who actually want a more well-rounded (less obsessive) life may experience some envy or sense of inadequacy related to the hyper-focused (less well-rounded) person's accomlishments. We can't excel at everything, but it's tempting to want to.
Speaking personally, I worried more about what other people thought of me when I was young (like adolescent-ish), when I really wanted to fit in. It has varied in nature and generally decreased over the years. Now (66, retired) I don't have much reason to think about it at all.
In a way, I worry about myself if I start thinking "what is wrong with so many other people who think or do X, is society heading to perdition in a handbasket?".
Most of those things are close to 100% outside my control or influence, and unless the thoughts are leading me to do something to change the situation (political action or volunteerism, maybe), then it's pretty much pointless hand-wringing, and a waste of useful time and energy I could be spending productively on improving things in my own swim lane. 🤷♀️6 -
Personally I don't give a crap about what others bad opinion of me is. I'm an optimist and always look to the positive aspect of things. If people don't like how I dress, how I look, my personality, etc., then it's THEIR PROBLEM. It's why I have very little stress in my life. I know where I stand with myself and the only critic I worry about is the one staring me back in the mirror.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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@ninerbuff
If someone has been a people pleaser all their life, it's difficult to set and hold boundaries. When you start standing up for yourself, it may give others a big pinch. You have to stay in your integrity and hold fast. Their reactions are not our problems. When you release yourself from their expectations, you're really free to be yourself.
How others experience us takes up way too much head space. There has always been a pecking order in the chicken yard. That's never going to change. Cliques and cool kids. I'm glad I didn't have to grow up with any of that. It was a level playing field for everyone.
Eagles throw all of the toys out of the nest when it's time for the kids to fly. You've nailed it down in terms of priority. We all have to find our balance in this world.2 -
There's a balance between not caring at all and obsessing about other opinions. The ideal IMO is somewhere in the middle.johnlauramoore1 wrote: »I believe this is one of the greatest reasons for all of the psychological and mental health issues of today. Why must we constantly be "validated" by others to feel good about ourselves?
The way I'm reading the above part of your post is that you are saying peoples opinions of us are the main reason for all of the psychological and mental health issues of today, is that correct? I completely disagree. Yes, they can be part of the reason for depression, anxiety, or any eating disorder. However, you cannot completely discount chemical reactions in the brain and hereditary genes that cause mental health issues. It's careless to chalk up all mental health issues to being caused simply by our reactions to what people think of us.
*edited for formatting*4 -
@johnlauramoore1
Depending what time frame you're calling "modern" with respect to a "current obsession." I don't think it's new at all. @AnnPT77 mentioned "Keeping Up With the Joneses." That idea has been around a long time. Over a century. Possibly millennia if you consider the idea of Keeping Up With the Joneses is what a certain document was speaking to when at advised people not to covet their neighbor's house.
It's a human condition to compare ourselves to others. As the divide between wealth and impoverishment has increased, financial comparisons happen all the time. I think it's one reason people spend in a way I think is foolish and buying things on credit that they can't really afford. I find it very similar to people comparing their abs to an unrealistic model for most humans.
Maybe it's not always a bad thing. When there's a link between obesity and health risks, perhaps comparing oneself to those metrics can help us improve our lot in life irrespective of money. When people abide some cultural norms, like not wearing plaid pants with a striped shirt, it makes life a little better. I know a couple folks who wear mismatched socks on purpose. Just because it isn't a norm. Hurts nobody. I have a friend who accidentally wore mismatched SHOES to work one day. He was very embarrassed.
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Unfortunately we live in a world that revolves around conformity, we are fed what we should and shouldn't look like, how we should think, and how we should conduct ourselves. Falling outside the template that's been set out for us can have massive consequences on our mental health. I would argue that the many, not all, of the struggles with anxiety, self-harm, depression, and suicidal ideation is a result of societal conditions placed on us. This is especially true for our youth.2
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Personally I don't give a crap about what others bad opinion of me is. I'm an optimist and always look to the positive aspect of things. If people don't like how I dress, how I look, my personality, etc., then it's THEIR PROBLEM. It's why I have very little stress in my life. I know where I stand with myself and the only critic I worry about is the one staring me back in the mirror.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
If only more of us thought this way, what a world it would be!1 -
A smart person I took a LE training from said "give people the benefit of their positive intent" meaning if you can interpret their actions in a positive manner or a negative manner, go with the positive. If I do this, then worrying about what they are thinking about me loses its power. Because they are obviously thinking how awesome I am!!!
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I think we've always cared what other people think of us, for survival reasons. We're a social species, our niche is in groups of other people.
Why does it seem like we need more validation these days? My hunch is it's a perfect storm of several things. It's easier to look for now, you can talk to thousands of people online in a single day. It's more visible when people are doing this. And people on average are more socially isolated now. We invented all this great technology that lets us withdraw. WFH is a thing. And a lot of other reasons.3 -
I very much believe that other people's opinions of me are none of my business. I have two very young girls, 14 and 11, who are right at the age where they obsess over what their peers think of them, and I discuss this with them often. Live your life from your own perspective. Honestly, that gives me enough to worry about without worrying about everyone else's too.3
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I don't think this is anything new. There has always been cliques and clubs and "high society", etc. and people who aspire to those things.
In general, if no body actually cared about what others thought, there would be no social norms and people would just do whatever the hell they want.2 -
I think it's primal and tribal in the sense that no one wants to be left behind to fend for themselves, you know so we don't perish in the wilderness or get eaten by a predictor, it's part of who we are. When we're accepted into the clan we are protected by the clan.
Modern times have moved the goal posts (social media and it's anonymity) but it's still very much instilled into our DNA. I believe the more life experience and knowledge one accumulates in a responsible manner the less likely we will be required to adhere to the social status quo. imo.0 -
I don't want to be eaten by a predictor. In the wild, wild west, you'd better know how to take care of yourself under all circumstances. Our apex predators don't discriminate and we don't depend on clans for protection. At a young age, you learn how to stand on your own two feet. Come hell or high water, but my purpose here isn't to brag about my many virtues. 😁 Some clans can lead you over the cliff. No training. No resources and no support. We don't graze with the sheep, travel with the pack or run with the herd. That was also my first driving lesson. Get yourselves out from amongst them as soon as you can. You'll be safer on the roads and open highways, you don't want to be caught in a pile-up.
Side note: Hunkpapa Sioux. Hunkpapa = at the entrance, at the head end of the circle, those who camp by themselves, and wanderers. A division of the Teton Sioux. Sitting Bull, Hunkpapa Sioux.
Moi.
@johnlauramoore1 Hope you're still here. 😎2 -
Cranky li'l ol' lady/
Another thing that doesn't change over centuries: There are always people who think the world is heading toward ruin through bad attitudes of these contemporary folks, and that that wouldn't happen if the rest of the population were as enlightened and right-thinking/right-living as the curmudg . . . oops, person with the opinion.
A more snarky formulation: Fussing over how other people look at the world is just another form of worry about what other people think. I think. 😉
/cranky3 -
Cranky li'l ol' lady/
Another thing that doesn't change over centuries: There are always people who think the world is heading toward ruin through bad attitudes of these contemporary folks, and that that wouldn't happen if the rest of the population were as enlightened and right-thinking/right-living as the curmudg . . . oops, person with the opinion.
A more snarky formulation: Fussing over how other people look at the world is just another form of worry about what other people think. I think. 😉
/cranky
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Speaking only for myself... as someone who cares very much what people think...
By in large, I think rather little of myself. On a good day, I'm a worthless person in a sea of worthless people. On a bad day, I'm a waste of life, air, and energy. Because of that, I can't count on my own thoughts/feelings of self worth for value and self esteem. Instead, I look to others. But not just any "others"... because most people are no more valuable/worthwhile than I am.
But when I find someone with traits/characteristics I admire, then their opinion becomes very important to me... it's my validation. If this person who is smart, pragmatic, insightful, kind, etc approves of me in some way, then some part of me must be worthwhile, valuable.9 -
I think it’s a function of aging. The older I get the less I care what others think. At 72 it’s kinda leveled off at zero caring what others think.
When I was in losing mode in my 50s one of the things I noticed was that to lose weight I had to become more assertive. No thanks, but Goodtime Charlie Fat Guy doesn’t want to go our to lunch today. Doesn’t care that all the fun people are coming. And doesn’t think he has to justify his actions to you. Go ahead and roll your eyes and remark that its just that “diet stuff” that’s keeping me from going. Maybe it’s true that I used to be more fun from your perspective but that extra weight was hurting my back. No fun for me. Sorry but my concerns come first. I’m living my life, not yours.7 -
i think that, as with most things, it's not new. The internet just amplifies the basic human condition. I find it annoying and dumb, but I recognize that my nieces & nephews are growing up in a different world than I did. Yes, they're self-centered and needy, but on the plus side, they're generally more tolerant lol
honestly, we all seek outside validation. we just have the ability (and lack to the restraint to not) broadcast that to the world now.1 -
Of course I seek external validation. We derive our values of normality by reference to those around us. I don’t particularly want to stand out so I’ll do what I can to be accepted by people I like and care about so that I can fit in. Except for the times I don’t care and do weird stuff in public. Or for the people I actively dislike where I’m happy to not receive their validation (did I care about the opinion of the guy who I called out when he groped my bum on a packed tube train? No. Did I care about the opinion of the people around us when I screamed “get your hand off my *kitten*!”. No)4
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I think it’s human nature; or honestly in any “pack” mentality to want to fit in, to belong, to be respected, acknowledged; even desired in some aspects.
Many people seek validation from others in order to feed their own ego & sometimes to help combat their insecurities! Social media has done nothing but make these issues 100 times worse!
I think as we age & become more confident & secure with ourselves; then we no longer fixate on finding our self esteem & self worth in others!2 -
I don't think this is a new thing.
I remember my grandmother talking about how horrifically judgemental the neighbours were when she was a young mother, and how her house had to be magazine perfect.
People care about judgement because people are judgemental.
Certainly social media makes it so that people can't ever have a break from this judgement, and their basic sense of self is being shaped by feedback, which isn't healthy.
But I don't for a second think that the innate fear of being judge by our peers is any stronger today than it ever has been.
Read literally any classic literature and you will see it in full powerful force. Heck, every Jane Austen novel is basically about a plucky young woman defying the social pressure of judgement.
Caring about the judgment of others is a tale as old as time.4 -
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I skip all the social media. I became very tired very quick seeing people I knew propping up every glimpse of their lives to look perfect. As far as close friends, I have few, and they are all in Montana where genuine people still exist and they are all much older than myself. They don’t care about validation or keeping up with the Jones’. There is no persons opinion that I require to function or feel good other than my husband. It is my cats opinion of me that means a lot to how I perceive myself. Am I good mommy? Do you love me? The pandemic taught me that I could move to the outer edges of the earth, far removed from people or I could volunteer to go to Mars. I feel sorry for those constantly seeking others approval. We live in such a fake world…it is sad.2
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I think every era has its own cultural norms.
I personally like some social media platforms. IG yes, FB no . I post quite a bit of travel photos, etc. it’s not that serious.. it’s just some fun photos. I don’t get anxiety looking at others photos.. I admire them or scroll through.. 🤷🏼♀️
For decades, magazines and movies have shown a glamorized version of people… now everyone can do it. I’m ok with that.
Re: obsession…dunno, I don’t know many people obsessed with that validation or personal marketing.. I have quite a few influencer friends and they seem like normal non obsessive people..
I think it comes down to whether one enjoys social media or not..
I’ve found many connections and friends through IG around the world that I wouldn’t normally have known without it. I think it has its uses if used in a healthy manner.
Re: caring what others think… it doesn’t rule my life.. people are always going to judge.. but what people think is important to me regarding my career and my peers in my field. It matters to me that I’m well respected, not so much well liked.
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It’s an interesting topic for sure. I keep telling myself to start caring less what people think of me, but I do struggle. I like to be liked. And when ever I speak to people I am so careful with what I say and how I come across as I don’t want them to dislike me. I really do admire people who don’t care about what others think, it must be really liberating!0
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