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Obsession With Other People's Opinions
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i think that, as with most things, it's not new. The internet just amplifies the basic human condition. I find it annoying and dumb, but I recognize that my nieces & nephews are growing up in a different world than I did. Yes, they're self-centered and needy, but on the plus side, they're generally more tolerant lol
honestly, we all seek outside validation. we just have the ability (and lack to the restraint to not) broadcast that to the world now.1 -
Of course I seek external validation. We derive our values of normality by reference to those around us. I don’t particularly want to stand out so I’ll do what I can to be accepted by people I like and care about so that I can fit in. Except for the times I don’t care and do weird stuff in public. Or for the people I actively dislike where I’m happy to not receive their validation (did I care about the opinion of the guy who I called out when he groped my bum on a packed tube train? No. Did I care about the opinion of the people around us when I screamed “get your hand off my *kitten*!”. No)4
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I think it’s human nature; or honestly in any “pack” mentality to want to fit in, to belong, to be respected, acknowledged; even desired in some aspects.
Many people seek validation from others in order to feed their own ego & sometimes to help combat their insecurities! Social media has done nothing but make these issues 100 times worse!
I think as we age & become more confident & secure with ourselves; then we no longer fixate on finding our self esteem & self worth in others!2 -
I don't think this is a new thing.
I remember my grandmother talking about how horrifically judgemental the neighbours were when she was a young mother, and how her house had to be magazine perfect.
People care about judgement because people are judgemental.
Certainly social media makes it so that people can't ever have a break from this judgement, and their basic sense of self is being shaped by feedback, which isn't healthy.
But I don't for a second think that the innate fear of being judge by our peers is any stronger today than it ever has been.
Read literally any classic literature and you will see it in full powerful force. Heck, every Jane Austen novel is basically about a plucky young woman defying the social pressure of judgement.
Caring about the judgment of others is a tale as old as time.4 -
I skip all the social media. I became very tired very quick seeing people I knew propping up every glimpse of their lives to look perfect. As far as close friends, I have few, and they are all in Montana where genuine people still exist and they are all much older than myself. They don’t care about validation or keeping up with the Jones’. There is no persons opinion that I require to function or feel good other than my husband. It is my cats opinion of me that means a lot to how I perceive myself. Am I good mommy? Do you love me? The pandemic taught me that I could move to the outer edges of the earth, far removed from people or I could volunteer to go to Mars. I feel sorry for those constantly seeking others approval. We live in such a fake world…it is sad.2
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I think every era has its own cultural norms.
I personally like some social media platforms. IG yes, FB no . I post quite a bit of travel photos, etc. it’s not that serious.. it’s just some fun photos. I don’t get anxiety looking at others photos.. I admire them or scroll through.. 🤷🏼♀️
For decades, magazines and movies have shown a glamorized version of people… now everyone can do it. I’m ok with that.
Re: obsession…dunno, I don’t know many people obsessed with that validation or personal marketing.. I have quite a few influencer friends and they seem like normal non obsessive people..
I think it comes down to whether one enjoys social media or not..
I’ve found many connections and friends through IG around the world that I wouldn’t normally have known without it. I think it has its uses if used in a healthy manner.
Re: caring what others think… it doesn’t rule my life.. people are always going to judge.. but what people think is important to me regarding my career and my peers in my field. It matters to me that I’m well respected, not so much well liked.
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It’s an interesting topic for sure. I keep telling myself to start caring less what people think of me, but I do struggle. I like to be liked. And when ever I speak to people I am so careful with what I say and how I come across as I don’t want them to dislike me. I really do admire people who don’t care about what others think, it must be really liberating!0
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Caring about what people think of you is a natural, primal, social reaction necessary for our survival as a species. And it has served its purpose extremely well. There’s tons of research on this. We need and crave validation from others - not everyone necessarily, but those we personally value. Validation is a necessary part of life for humans and many other species. Sometimes it sucks, but it’s no less necessary. I’d provide a reference, but it’s a fairly easy google search. And some of us require more or less frequent validation, from a larger or fewer number of people, and varying types of validation shown in various ways. And many, many times most of us just don’t receive the validation we crave. And that’s just life, I wouldn’t necessarily consider it problematic.1
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So true. I know so many people who pass up opportunities because they don't want others to think/notice their fat (i.e. missing reunions, refusing to go to activity that would expect shorts or swim suit, avoiding formal dresses). All because others might THINK they look fat or bad, or that others will notice weight gain. When in fact whether others think they look fat really does not change the activity or interaction at all.0
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DebbsSeattle wrote: »I skip all the social media. I became very tired very quick seeing people I knew propping up every glimpse of their lives to look perfect. As far as close friends, I have few, and they are all in Montana where genuine people still exist and they are all much older than myself. They don’t care about validation or keeping up with the Jones’. There is no persons opinion that I require to function or feel good other than my husband. It is my cats opinion of me that means a lot to how I perceive myself. Am I good mommy? Do you love me? The pandemic taught me that I could move to the outer edges of the earth, far removed from people or I could volunteer to go to Mars. I feel sorry for those constantly seeking others approval. We live in such a fake world…it is sad.
My cat is extremely judgmental, and vocal about it, often at 5 AM.
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kshama2001 wrote: »DebbsSeattle wrote: »I skip all the social media. I became very tired very quick seeing people I knew propping up every glimpse of their lives to look perfect. As far as close friends, I have few, and they are all in Montana where genuine people still exist and they are all much older than myself. They don’t care about validation or keeping up with the Jones’. There is no persons opinion that I require to function or feel good other than my husband. It is my cats opinion of me that means a lot to how I perceive myself. Am I good mommy? Do you love me? The pandemic taught me that I could move to the outer edges of the earth, far removed from people or I could volunteer to go to Mars. I feel sorry for those constantly seeking others approval. We live in such a fake world…it is sad.
My cat is extremely judgmental, and vocal about it, often at 5 AM.
My springer spaniel isn’t coherent enough to form an opinion on anyone. EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE IS JUST REALLY EXCITING!
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There is nothing wrong with conforming to society's norms. That's just being polite and a good citizen. Behavior in private vs public differs in varying degree for all of us. It is when the desire to be appreciated and accepted by others results in conveying control of self to others that it really becomes a problem. Others with a stronger will, or a bigger following, or just because they are more popular. We see it all the time unless you keep your eyes wide shut.
Politics - Party politics have become so opposed to each other become the average member of each have a need to fit in and denounce the other party's positions. Politics use to be about how to govern. Now it is more about social issues: abortion, immigration, gay rights, gun control and so on.
Social Environment - These days we can pretty much tell what a person's stance will be on issues just by knowing what school they went to or area of the country they live in. There is no good reason for the average citizen of Ft. Worth, TX to be so different in what they view as right and wrong as the average citizen in Austin, TX - other than peer pressure and the desire to fit in.
Commerce - Been to a car dealership lately? It is like they are doing you a favor to allow you to buy from them. Hiring a contractor isn't any better. They'll shoot you an inflated price and the average person will accept it without a detailed proposal or contract just because online reviews have said they are good and reasonably priced. Retailers have never had such an easy time of raising prices as they've enjoyed the last couple of years. Consumers on a whole have ceded control of transactions because they figure that is just how it is.
Apps - Why does a service agreement need to be so many pages long when the key points are easily covered in just a few sentences? Does anyone read it all (besides me)? Does anyone refuse to install something because the Terms of Service is unreasonable?
There are many other examples that all boil down to, "going along to get along." That "Like" button on social media and even these forums are nothing more than an exercise in vanity that serves none of us. I don't want to ignore the opinions of others, but I'm going to think for myself and not let those opinions change my mind without sufficient reason - and reason isn't bothered with much anymore.1 -
There is nothing wrong with conforming to society's norms. That's just being polite and a good citizen. Behavior in private vs public differs in varying degree for all of us. It is when the desire to be appreciated and accepted by others results in conveying control of self to others that it really becomes a problem. Others with a stronger will, or a bigger following, or just because they are more popular. We see it all the time unless you keep your eyes wide shut.
Politics - Party politics have become so opposed to each other become the average member of each have a need to fit in and denounce the other party's positions. Politics use to be about how to govern. Now it is more about social issues: abortion, immigration, gay rights, gun control and so on.
Social Environment - These days we can pretty much tell what a person's stance will be on issues just by knowing what school they went to or area of the country they live in. There is no good reason for the average citizen of Ft. Worth, TX to be so different in what they view as right and wrong as the average citizen in Austin, TX - other than peer pressure and the desire to fit in.
Commerce - Been to a car dealership lately? It is like they are doing you a favor to allow you to buy from them. Hiring a contractor isn't any better. They'll shoot you an inflated price and the average person will accept it without a detailed proposal or contract just because online reviews have said they are good and reasonably priced. Retailers have never had such an easy time of raising prices as they've enjoyed the last couple of years. Consumers on a whole have ceded control of transactions because they figure that is just how it is.
Apps - Why does a service agreement need to be so many pages long when the key points are easily covered in just a few sentences? Does anyone read it all (besides me)? Does anyone refuse to install something because the Terms of Service is unreasonable?
There are many other examples that all boil down to, "going along to get along." That "Like" button on social media and even these forums are nothing more than an exercise in vanity that serves none of us. I don't want to ignore the opinions of others, but I'm going to think for myself and not let those opinions change my mind without sufficient reason - and reason isn't bothered with much anymore.
There is absolutely something wrong with conforming to societal norms if you find them wrong or not in agreement with your personal ethics. You need to know *why* you believe what you believe. Not just " my daddy said....my mommy said... Republicans said.... Democrats said..." here's the big secret nobody tells you... all that is BS, and they just tell you those things to maintain as much control as they can.4 -
I believe this to an extent. There are instances where I apply conformity. Religion is one of them. I'm an Atheist and practically everyone around me is religious. Of course I'm in disagreement with religious but I'm not going to debate religious people just because they are religious. They can all pray in front of me, praise whatever god they believe in, etc.sollyn23l2 wrote: »There is nothing wrong with conforming to society's norms. That's just being polite and a good citizen. Behavior in private vs public differs in varying degree for all of us. It is when the desire to be appreciated and accepted by others results in conveying control of self to others that it really becomes a problem. Others with a stronger will, or a bigger following, or just because they are more popular. We see it all the time unless you keep your eyes wide shut.
Politics - Party politics have become so opposed to each other become the average member of each have a need to fit in and denounce the other party's positions. Politics use to be about how to govern. Now it is more about social issues: abortion, immigration, gay rights, gun control and so on.
Social Environment - These days we can pretty much tell what a person's stance will be on issues just by knowing what school they went to or area of the country they live in. There is no good reason for the average citizen of Ft. Worth, TX to be so different in what they view as right and wrong as the average citizen in Austin, TX - other than peer pressure and the desire to fit in.
Commerce - Been to a car dealership lately? It is like they are doing you a favor to allow you to buy from them. Hiring a contractor isn't any better. They'll shoot you an inflated price and the average person will accept it without a detailed proposal or contract just because online reviews have said they are good and reasonably priced. Retailers have never had such an easy time of raising prices as they've enjoyed the last couple of years. Consumers on a whole have ceded control of transactions because they figure that is just how it is.
Apps - Why does a service agreement need to be so many pages long when the key points are easily covered in just a few sentences? Does anyone read it all (besides me)? Does anyone refuse to install something because the Terms of Service is unreasonable?
There are many other examples that all boil down to, "going along to get along." That "Like" button on social media and even these forums are nothing more than an exercise in vanity that serves none of us. I don't want to ignore the opinions of others, but I'm going to think for myself and not let those opinions change my mind without sufficient reason - and reason isn't bothered with much anymore.
There is absolutely something wrong with conforming to societal norms if you find them wrong or not in agreement with your personal ethics. You need to know *why* you believe what you believe. Not just " my daddy said....my mommy said... Republicans said.... Democrats said..." here's the big secret nobody tells you... all that is BS, and they just tell you those things to maintain as much control as they can.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 35+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
4 -
There is nothing wrong with conforming to society's norms. That's just being polite and a good citizen. Behavior in private vs public differs in varying degree for all of us. It is when the desire to be appreciated and accepted by others results in conveying control of self to others that it really becomes a problem. Others with a stronger will, or a bigger following, or just because they are more popular. We see it all the time unless you keep your eyes wide shut.
Politics - Party politics have become so opposed to each other become the average member of each have a need to fit in and denounce the other party's positions. Politics use to be about how to govern. Now it is more about social issues: abortion, immigration, gay rights, gun control and so on.
Social Environment - These days we can pretty much tell what a person's stance will be on issues just by knowing what school they went to or area of the country they live in. There is no good reason for the average citizen of Ft. Worth, TX to be so different in what they view as right and wrong as the average citizen in Austin, TX - other than peer pressure and the desire to fit in.
Commerce - Been to a car dealership lately? It is like they are doing you a favor to allow you to buy from them. Hiring a contractor isn't any better. They'll shoot you an inflated price and the average person will accept it without a detailed proposal or contract just because online reviews have said they are good and reasonably priced. Retailers have never had such an easy time of raising prices as they've enjoyed the last couple of years. Consumers on a whole have ceded control of transactions because they figure that is just how it is.
Apps - Why does a service agreement need to be so many pages long when the key points are easily covered in just a few sentences? Does anyone read it all (besides me)? Does anyone refuse to install something because the Terms of Service is unreasonable?
There are many other examples that all boil down to, "going along to get along." That "Like" button on social media and even these forums are nothing more than an exercise in vanity that serves none of us. I don't want to ignore the opinions of others, but I'm going to think for myself and not let those opinions change my mind without sufficient reason - and reason isn't bothered with much anymore.
I have refused to install things or to use certain online services because the terms of service were unreasonable. I've also shrugged over unreasonable terms of service when the app or online service was something I felt was very desirable and the downside of the unreasonable terms of service weren't likely to be great (e.g., forced arbitration is an anti-consumer provision, but if it's a "free" -- ad-supported -- service or app, and the forced arbitration clause is for a premium version I'm not going to use, I'm just going to shrug).0 -
I believe this to an extent. There are instances where I apply conformity. Religion is one of them. I'm an Atheist and practically everyone around me is religious. Of course I'm in disagreement with religious but I'm not going to debate religious people just because they are religious. They can all pray in front of me, praise whatever god they believe in, etc.sollyn23l2 wrote: »There is nothing wrong with conforming to society's norms. That's just being polite and a good citizen. Behavior in private vs public differs in varying degree for all of us. It is when the desire to be appreciated and accepted by others results in conveying control of self to others that it really becomes a problem. Others with a stronger will, or a bigger following, or just because they are more popular. We see it all the time unless you keep your eyes wide shut.
Politics - Party politics have become so opposed to each other become the average member of each have a need to fit in and denounce the other party's positions. Politics use to be about how to govern. Now it is more about social issues: abortion, immigration, gay rights, gun control and so on.
Social Environment - These days we can pretty much tell what a person's stance will be on issues just by knowing what school they went to or area of the country they live in. There is no good reason for the average citizen of Ft. Worth, TX to be so different in what they view as right and wrong as the average citizen in Austin, TX - other than peer pressure and the desire to fit in.
Commerce - Been to a car dealership lately? It is like they are doing you a favor to allow you to buy from them. Hiring a contractor isn't any better. They'll shoot you an inflated price and the average person will accept it without a detailed proposal or contract just because online reviews have said they are good and reasonably priced. Retailers have never had such an easy time of raising prices as they've enjoyed the last couple of years. Consumers on a whole have ceded control of transactions because they figure that is just how it is.
Apps - Why does a service agreement need to be so many pages long when the key points are easily covered in just a few sentences? Does anyone read it all (besides me)? Does anyone refuse to install something because the Terms of Service is unreasonable?
There are many other examples that all boil down to, "going along to get along." That "Like" button on social media and even these forums are nothing more than an exercise in vanity that serves none of us. I don't want to ignore the opinions of others, but I'm going to think for myself and not let those opinions change my mind without sufficient reason - and reason isn't bothered with much anymore.
There is absolutely something wrong with conforming to societal norms if you find them wrong or not in agreement with your personal ethics. You need to know *why* you believe what you believe. Not just " my daddy said....my mommy said... Republicans said.... Democrats said..." here's the big secret nobody tells you... all that is BS, and they just tell you those things to maintain as much control as they can.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 35+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
But is that actually conforming to their norms, or passively accepting their way of being? There's a difference. I would consider it conforming if you went to church, said grace, and prayed. I consider it accepting to allow them to do that without interfering.2 -
I've spent years thinking I didn't care what anyone else thought of me and grappling w/ whatever was said/what I interpreted or internalised- resenting/being oblivious to social norms- I think completely rejecting society can be pretty depressing/isolating- it's a normal PTSD response though- I have many reflections/ambitions to be more social/listen to other people but it never happens- I end up scowling and feeling like I'm on the wrong planet- I'm not sure if its because I put too much pressure on myself/I never feel up to it- I think you should be discerning/critical to a point- don't accept everything blindly- rejecting all opinions/perspectives but your own isn't great either but it can be a self protective mechanism- especially if you have had trust/boundary issues in your r-ships and you've come to a stale mate/have no idea how to manage r-ships and have healthy r-ship boundaries/say what's on your mind etc. It can erode your trust in yourself and others- you might think people are plotting against you/out to get you as well- I'm trying to find a middle ground I guess- having trust in yourself is important- I can talk about r-ship w/ yourself but I feel clueless when it comes to other people/r-ships- I feel really wounded by watching people be foiled/taken advantage of and the dark side of agreeability (I think it's something one of my parents went through/has lived out also) is why I am reluctant1
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