Vacation with Relatives Advice
HeyJudii
Posts: 264 Member
I need some helpful advice please. I love my family dearly but they can be described at times as, "loud and pushy".
Growing up I was considered the quiet one, still am.
So anyway, I've really gotten into a groove with healthy eating, but in a few weeks we'll be going on a family reunion type vacation. I'm already kind of freaking out because I have no way to pre-plan how my eating is going to go other than a strong desire to not break my stride because it's so hard for me to get back on track.
In the past there would always be lots of temptations, snacks, rich foods, etc., and did I mention that noone, to my knowledge, unless things have changed, eats in a manner that would be considered moderate and healthy? Maybe my brother-in-law.
Maybe I am overthinking this and they will just mind their own business about what I am or am not eating and drinking, but the scenario I see is, "Don't you like this? Do you want something else? Are you dieting or something? You don't need to lose weight. It isn't good to be too skinny." And on and on, With endless cracks ("Come on. Can't you take a joke?") during our time together, about, "Miss Healthy over here!"
They aren't really the type to back down when confronted. It would just escalate. Usually in cases like this I just go silent.
I know I should just take it one day at a time but the closer it gets the more I can feel myself tightening up inside in anxiety.
If you haven't guessed, we don't live anywhere near each other.
Growing up I was considered the quiet one, still am.
So anyway, I've really gotten into a groove with healthy eating, but in a few weeks we'll be going on a family reunion type vacation. I'm already kind of freaking out because I have no way to pre-plan how my eating is going to go other than a strong desire to not break my stride because it's so hard for me to get back on track.
In the past there would always be lots of temptations, snacks, rich foods, etc., and did I mention that noone, to my knowledge, unless things have changed, eats in a manner that would be considered moderate and healthy? Maybe my brother-in-law.
Maybe I am overthinking this and they will just mind their own business about what I am or am not eating and drinking, but the scenario I see is, "Don't you like this? Do you want something else? Are you dieting or something? You don't need to lose weight. It isn't good to be too skinny." And on and on, With endless cracks ("Come on. Can't you take a joke?") during our time together, about, "Miss Healthy over here!"
They aren't really the type to back down when confronted. It would just escalate. Usually in cases like this I just go silent.
I know I should just take it one day at a time but the closer it gets the more I can feel myself tightening up inside in anxiety.
If you haven't guessed, we don't live anywhere near each other.
2
Replies
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Your strategy of going silent when questioned about your eating habits is the right direction.
The next move is to change the subject. You can keep it on food so it's not so jarring for them....
Them: Why aren't you eating the cookies? Are you on a diet?
You: Hey, where did you get these peaches? They must be in season, they're so good!
Hopefully, if you keep ignoring the questions, they will get bored of asking and move on to something else.4 -
Yeah, what Suzy said.
Ignore, deflect, change the subject. "How 'bout those _ _ _ _ _ _ _?" (football team, new cars, deaths, births, curtains, dogs, rain, whatever.)
The other thing is that it's probably just for a few days, and you won't do too much damage, I'm sure. It's okay to have a few days where you eat off-plan. That is life and it will continue to happen for decades more, hopefully.0 -
Yep--plan to deflect the conversation---"It's so GOOD to see you after all this time, I think about you often, what are you doing these days?" Ask about their kids, their dogs, their houses, cabins, etc, etc, Keep the ball in their court and distract them.1
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There are no magic words or responses to fix someone who thinks it’s okay to bully you into complying with their wishes.
Best you can do, besides maybe coming down with something and having to miss the “vacation” (and just not going next year) is to just say thanks, don’t feel like cookies right now, thanks, I ate all I can, thanks, maybe later.
Sorry you are facing this toxic behavior.2 -
Eh, my family used to hammer me on drinking but eventually gave up. Now no one asks me if I want a beer or alcohol.
But it can be more difficult with food. All you can do is DO YOU. People will always try to tempt you or push you because IMO, they want to see you give in. It's always a slight jealousy thing because they don't have the discipline or will power to do it themselves. Good luck.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 35+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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We just had family house guests that we haven't sen for two years for a week. One day we had "Thanksgiving dinner" with all the apps, wine and trimmings. It was an entire week filled with joy and laughter. Yesterday was my birthday...I am officially 3/4 of a Century. We had apps, good wine rack of lamb and THE CAKE (DH makes a four layer chocolate cake filled with whipped cream)
I was totally expecting to see a gain, but nope, still in my goal range.
So I ask, how often do you see your family and how long is the reunion. As long as you don't be annoying about "I'm eating healthy so I don't eat that anymore" and just eat what you want a few days or a week wn't hurt you. NOW if there is a special treat that you have always loved and someone makes it special for you...and you still like it then enjoy and be grateful that you have a fun, loud loving family who want to see you.0 -
If your food choices aren't causing extra work for anyone else, then I say, well it would get filtered on this forum
They are probably jealous that they lack the willpower you have, and you shouldn't feel pressured to cave to their weakness. You say you may find it difficult to stand up to them though, so the deflect advice given above is probably best.
You could also relax your diet plan a bit. When you're on vacation, consider not tracking calories and attempt to eat and drink in moderation. You know the kinds of things that are healthier than others, you know how to sub out some part of an ordered meal for something better, and so on. Also, walk more, or if you have opportunities for other activities like swimming, sports, whatever, do that. If you're lifting weights, increase the volume in the week before and then use the vacation as a deload. If you aren't lifting, then maybe aim for a larger than usual deficit in the week before you go. As long as you aren't binging a couple thousand over maintenance every day, it won't matter in the long run.
I like to keep my diary and spreadsheet of calories history up to date. Last time I was away on vacation I just filled out the same estimate for every day, and in MFP I use my own private database entries for "Stuff X% protein" (where X is % of calories from protein) and the total is 100 calories. So if I think a dinner was about 1000 calories, I'll just call it 10*Stuff. As I said, in the long run it doesn't matter if that one meal was actually 800 or 1200.
Definitely do not cave to their pushing you to over-drink or over-eat. I think you'd be annoyed with yourself later.1 -
You’re too skinny!
Can I borrow some of your fat then?4 -
tomcustombuilder wrote: »You’re too skinny!
Can I borrow some of your fat then?
💥
@HeyJudii Sorry you’re feeling anxiety about this. Especially because this is supposed to be your vacation too. I echo what others are saying about distraction and avoidance. In cases where I’m out of town without an ability to track the way I normally do, I just eyeball the best I can and do the mental math. Even if I gain, it’s not much, and typically it’s mostly water weight. IF might be a good tool as well if it’s practical in your situation. For example, you could avoid breakfast, instead of lunch have a smaller snack, and then enjoy an abundant dinner with your family, they would never know the difference. Banking calories can work wonders in these situations.0 -
Why do they even have to know? If you don’t tell them you’re eating differently, they’ll ever even notice.
If they do, just tell them you’ve already had seconds, or that you’ll get some in a minute. They’ll forget a moment later.
If you don’t draw attention to yourself, it won’t even come up.
I hadn’t seen my parents for several years, and was considerably smaller when they did see me again, so in my case it was pretty evident. When they started to ride me for being “Skinny Minny”, I just grinned, let it roll off, and did a mental eye roll (and a silent FU) that a morbidly obese woman was taking it upon herself to criticize my eating.
If they’re doing stuff like that, they’re venting their own personal unhappiness, insecurities, and/or jealousy on you. Why would you want to carry their burden as well as your own? Let it go.1 -
Some great advice above.
I endorse the theme that you shouldn't necessarily avoid things you consider true, desirable treats - it's a vacation, and relaxing the rules a reasonable bit won't break your forward momentum. It's your choice, though.
Also, distract and avoid is good . . . generally, make anything they say (to try to get at you) turn out to be as boring as possible for them. Families know where to push our buttons, because they installed them. Once that starts, it's hard to stop. React as little as you can manage to any barbs or jabs, I'd advise.
Once home, you may see a bit of a scale jump from travel or unusual eating, but it's likely mostly water retention shifts, not worth worrying about. Just get back to your normal healthy routine, and in a few days to a couple of weeks, I predict you won't even know (from the scale) that it even happened.
Best wishes!0 -
are you getting your own room and kitchen? if so, go grocery shopping and bring your food scale!0
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We just had family house guests that we haven't sen for two years for a week. One day we had "Thanksgiving dinner" with all the apps, wine and trimmings. It was an entire week filled with joy and laughter. Yesterday was my birthday...I am officially 3/4 of a Century. We had apps, good wine rack of lamb and THE CAKE (DH makes a four layer chocolate cake filled with whipped cream)
I was totally expecting to see a gain, but nope, still in my goal range.
So I ask, how often do you see your family and how long is the reunion. As long as you don't be annoying about "I'm eating healthy so I don't eat that anymore" and just eat what you want a few days or a week wn't hurt you. NOW if there is a special treat that you have always loved and someone makes it special for you...and you still like it then enjoy and be grateful that you have a fun, loud loving family who want to see you.
Apparently you're part of OP's extended family. You could have just saved these "I know better than you what's good for you" and "you should eat what I think you should eat" remarks for the reunion.4 -
You can't control what other people say and do, just what you say and do.
(1) You can decide ahead of time that when you've said, "no, thank you," to some offer of food once, you don't have to respond to any subsequent attempts to push food on you.
(2) You can decide that if people get so pushy that you can't stand it, you'll just stand up and leave. If someone is in the middle of talking to you, and you want to stay on good terms with them, just say "excuse me" and head in the direction of the bathroom. After you've washed your hands, go for a walk or a drive or visit with someone who isn't gathered around the area with food, or sit down with someone else in the food room like your brother in law who isn't a bore -- and a boor --- on the subject of what you eat. If "excuse me" doesn't seem sufficient to you, say something like, "I'm sorry, but I'm done talking about what I'm eating and not eating. I'll see you later."1 -
Trying to control your current bout of diarrhea and "that time of the month" come to mind as appropriate topics to introduce to the conversation with someone you've had enough dealings with but are not quite ready to ask them to donate some of their excess fat to you!🤣4
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Some great advice here! Mine isn't about food but is about family dynamics. There's a book by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, The Dance of Anger, that gives wonderful guidance on how to deal with nonproductive fighting. She's a family systems therapist, and this is one of the very few "self-help" books I have found useful over the years. Some of what she suggests has already been mentioned here, about saying no, disengaging, etc. One of my mantras with this sort of thing (which I didn't originate) is to remember, "Just because someone throws you a ball doesn't mean you have to catch it." When I've practiced this approach successfully (which, granted, is not easy, especially with family members who push your buttons), it's felt so liberating. Good luck to you.2
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Some great advice above!
I used to deflect the food pushers in my family by:
1. Filling my plate with high volume/low calorie food, plus small amounts of the higher calorie stuff. Some of the food pushers just look around for full plates.
2. Saying I was saving room for dessert, and then either skip dessert or eat it moderately.
3. Just repeating, "No, thanks, I'm good; no, thanks, I'm good; no, thanks, I'm good."
Some of the comments you've received sound really obnoxious. I totally understand your anxiety. I hope you find some useful strategies here. If none of them resonate for you, there's always this one:maybe coming down with something and having to miss the “vacation”1 -
history_grrrl wrote: »There's a book by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, The Dance of Anger,
Thank you for reminding me of that book. I read it many, many years ago and what I remembered from it was,
just because the music is playing doesn't mean you have to dance.
I forgot about that book and the tips that it helped me with.0 -
Thank you to all who replied.
I like "deflect" because I've become practiced at that.
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Just say "no thanks, I don't want it"0
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I probably should have mentioned in my original post that I have an ED.
Addicts don't get to have, "just one drink". And people prone to binge eating, purging and starving themselves, don't get to have "just a little bite". It very quickly becomes a very slippery slope.
But I was just trying to keep it light and stick to my current concerns - the upcoming vacation, and didn't give enough details. Sorry for the confusion.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯4 -
I probably should have mentioned in my original post that I have an ED.
Addicts don't get to have, "just one drink". And people prone to binge eating, purging and starving themselves, don't get to have "just a little bite". It very quickly becomes a very slippery slope.
But I was just trying to keep it light and stick to my current concerns - the upcoming vacation, and didn't give enough details. Sorry for the confusion.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry to hear about your ed. I think you got some brilliant responses. I'll have to use some of the answers myself. Please don't be tempted to delete the thread.0 -
ED or not...
That might help explain a little of your family's worries and comments, though. If they knew about your previous struggles they would understandably be a little overly anxious. Other people don't really know how to deal with addiction if they haven't gone through it. A little grace on your part will go a long way.
I learned that it isn't so much about what other people do or say in the end. It's about how I react. Take a beat, a breath, move on. Be the kind and generous daughter, ready to forgive. You'll come home happy that you controlled your own behavior - which is all any of us can do.
I loved "Dance Of Anger." She had some other "Dance Of" books I also read.
1 -
I probably should have mentioned in my original post that I have an ED.
Addicts don't get to have, "just one drink". And people prone to binge eating, purging and starving themselves, don't get to have "just a little bite". It very quickly becomes a very slippery slope.
But I was just trying to keep it light and stick to my current concerns - the upcoming vacation, and didn't give enough details. Sorry for the confusion.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
You absolutely have the right to eat however/whatever you want. This includes starving yourself, binging, and everything in between. From your family's pov, they are very likely concerned you are in a purge cycle, and are worried that this will lead to binging, then more purging. Maybe you are. I don't know, because I don't know you. But your family does know you. Unfortunately, the more defensive you become, the more convinced they will be that you are in a purge. Which makes sense, because that's what people in a purge do (I'm just watching what I eat, I already ate, leave me alone with my problematic food choices... etc. etc.) So, in the end, there's no easy answer.0 -
Note: My family knows nothing about the ED which developed after I had moved thousands of miles away.2
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cmriverside wrote: »ED or not...
That might help explain a little of your family's worries and comments, though. If they knew about your previous struggles they would understandably be a little overly anxious. Other people don't really know how to deal with addiction if they haven't gone through it. A little grace on your part will go a long way.
I learned that it isn't so much about what other people do or say in the end. It's about how I react. Take a beat, a breath, move on. Be the kind and generous daughter, ready to forgive. You'll come home happy that you controlled your own behavior - which is all any of us can do.
I loved "Dance Of Anger." She had some other "Dance Of" books I also read.
I didn’t hear any “worry” or “anxiety” described. I heard “control” and “toxicity.”
If anything, I would think the family behavior was on the causal side of the ED, rather than the effect.
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I hope that you have discussed your fears with your treatment team, they know you better than strangers on the internet. I hope you do enjoy this time with your family. I am 75 years old. My family was loud and scrappy. I would give anything to hear my mother and her sister fighting, and my grandmother telling them to cut it out...but the visits ended with hugs and love. They are all gone now. Treasure this time.1
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Pony, I think it’s lovely that you have such warm memories of your family. Not all families end up with hugs and love. For some it is quite the opposite. For such people, it is hard to hear that they should be “treasuring” putdowns, dismissals of bodily autonomy, and so on. If the OP generally feels safe with their family I am sure they will proceed accordingy. If they do not, advice to “treasure” unsafe family members plays right into the goals of toxic people.4
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herringboxes wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »ED or not...
That might help explain a little of your family's worries and comments, though. If they knew about your previous struggles they would understandably be a little overly anxious. Other people don't really know how to deal with addiction if they haven't gone through it. A little grace on your part will go a long way.
I learned that it isn't so much about what other people do or say in the end. It's about how I react. Take a beat, a breath, move on. Be the kind and generous daughter, ready to forgive. You'll come home happy that you controlled your own behavior - which is all any of us can do.
I loved "Dance Of Anger." She had some other "Dance Of" books I also read.
I didn’t hear any “worry” or “anxiety” described. I heard “control” and “toxicity.”
If anything, I would think the family behavior was on the causal side of the ED, rather than the effect.herringboxes wrote: »Pony, I think it’s lovely that you have such warm memories of your family. Not all families end up with hugs and love. For some it is quite the opposite. For such people, it is hard to hear that they should be “treasuring” putdowns, dismissals of bodily autonomy, and so on. If the OP generally feels safe with their family I am sure they will proceed accordingy. If they do not, advice to “treasure” unsafe family members plays right into the goals of toxic people.
As someone whose toxic family members last year ripped the scabs off of childhood wounds, I am really appreciating your comments on this thread.
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I have no new advice for OP.
But I do find ' I am having x problem with my mother, child, husband etc' is really not helped by the 'be grateful you have a mother, child, husband' type response5
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