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Partner Sabotage
nikkilopez1980
Posts: 2 Member
in Debate Club
Do you think most SOs want us to look better or Do you think they want us to stay gross . ? Anyone else feel like their other is secretly trying to make them ruin their diet .
5
Replies
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gross?
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First thing is I am confident that my bride of 45 years is mature enough not to think of anyone as "gross".
Second, I don't diet. That tends to imply a temporary change in eating to reach a goal (so that a person can look better) then go back to eating the same things that made them overweight in the first place. A healthier way of living is to change our forever-way-of-eating that can be maintained indefinitely without stress.
To answer your question, I don't believe she tries to sabotage my way of eating. She gets put out about it at times, and has refused to change what kind of foods she prepares so I prepare all my own meals. I do me and she does her. I have asked her to change some things to help me stay away from junk food and she has been willing (so far) to do them most of the time. Its hard for me to sit at the table with her to eat a meal when she has an open bag of chips or package of crackers sitting out. Most of the time she will plate those irresistible ultra processed carby things. When she doesn't I eat in another room or at a different time. When she leaves her chips, crackers, cookies etc. sitting out on the counter I put them out of my sight in a cabinet, drawer or in the pantry.
I appreciate the changes she has been willing to make and strive to deal with the rest.9 -
My husband is naturally skinny. He eats sweets with every meal. However he eats small portions of everything. When I want to lose weight, he is a sabotur because he loves to eat out, but only wants half of everything---example: half a pizza, half a desert, half of a large portion of pasta, ....etc.
He doesn't want me to get fat, but thinks nothing of pushing food on me. We've been married 38 years, so I know his way of doing things, and manage to slalom through. In a good marriage somethings that's the wisest, if you want it to last. Study the problem and see if you can change things up to achieve your goals without strife (or, as little as possible). I resolved the half pizza every Friday night, by ordering a salad for myself or a fish serving without anything else. We split a desert.
Any SO is going to have quirks, just as we all do. Another thought is that sometimes they are afraid that you will lose weight, and then start looking around for someone new. This is very common.6 -
nikkilopez1980 wrote: »Do you think most SOs want us to look better or Do you think they want us to stay gross . ? Anyone else feel like their other is secretly trying to make them ruin their diet .
I think most people want what is best for their partner and to support them in that.
We dont always do that perfectly right of course - but I think that is most people's intention.5 -
I always feel like my husband is helping me with goals instead of sabotaging. I do the same for him. I want him to be his best self for the long haul and he wants to have a partner that can travel and be active for the long haul.
We’ve both had parents with terminal cancer and we were both the primary care giver.. so healthy choices and support are important to us. We align that the time to attempt to prevent possible disease is now. (We hope)
It’s a priority for us to be the most fit and healthy versions of ourselves. Sometimes we both need help with discipline.. so we encourage each other. It’s not always perfect but we try.
If you are struggling with support for your goals .. why not have a heart to heart with significant other about teaming up for both of your success?4 -
nikkilopez1980 wrote: »Do you think most SOs want us to look better or Do you think they want us to stay gross . ? Anyone else feel like their other is secretly trying to make them ruin their diet .
In a good relationship, partners support each other's healthy goals, whether they share those same goals or not. No one is a perfect human, so there may be times when someone slips from that ideal, or doesn't realize the impact of what they're doing on the partner.
If a partner deliberately sabotages a goal like reaching a healthy weight, that, to me, would imply a toxic relationship.
That said, it's not uncommon for people to define something as sabotage, when the intent was not sabotage at all. (Example: Some people offer special food as part of their love language. To a dieter, that can look like sabotage. Communication should be able to clarify what behavior the dieter would appreciate, and allow other (non-food) ways for the partner to show their love.)
I'm widowed now, but if my husband of 20+ years ever thought I looked gross, he was kind enough not to say that, or anything close. As far as I could tell, he accepted me how I was, generally knew I was doing the best I could overall, and he would encourage me as best he was able when he knew I was working toward some goal. Sure, he was happy when I looked nicer, in part because I was happier with myself. I tried to take the same approach to him.6 -
Don't attribute to malice something that can just as easily be explained by ignorance. If your SO is not someone who struggles with weight, they likely have no idea what it requires of you to do so. In their ignorance they do things that you perceive as sabotage because they don't understand what their actions mean for your goals.12
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I agree with a lot of the above, especially that your SO might be simply unaware of the impact of their behaviour.
I would also consider what role food has in your relationship. For example, if Friday night takeaway or Saturday night drinks has been an enjoyable ritual for you both and you announce that you can't do these anymore because of your diet, you might get pushback. (Of course I don't know if this sort of thing is actually happening, just giving an example. And it could be more subtle than that.)
If you have decided to lose weight, you have presumably adjusted your priorities and are trying to make food and lifestyle changes. You would hope for a partner's support, but it's hard to expect an SO to be instantly onboard with everything, especially if it also impacts their lifestyle and things they enjoy.
Also, I think weight loss discussions can be simply boring for others, unless they have similar goals or interests. So you might get negativity there too.
As for me, my husband and I support and encourage each other, but not perfectly. There are times that you could probably say we "sabotage" each other, in that one tempts the other into eating something they may not otherwise have had (not necessarily deliberately), but I think that's just life with another person. I would say there are more times that we encourage each other to exercise or eat well. And it's a changing process. There are times when one of us has been more committed than the other. Again...life.
It helps that our overall goal is the same - to be a healthy weight and reasonably fit and active. We are at an age where it's not just about looking less "gross" (as you put it), but also trying not to keel over from a heart attack or stroke anytime soon!
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It seems unrealistic to expect your partner to be consistently making the best choices for you, denying themselves foods they enjoy so as not to tempt you, always thinking about not exposing you to tasty high-calorie foods, etc., when the majority of people whose own health depends on it are unable to consistently make those choices on their own part.
This isn't like supporting you by going to some dreadful work party or high school reunion once a year. This is asking them to think about not eating things they want, potentially multiple times a day, when they're not the one trying to lose weight. Again, most people who are actually trying to lose weight themselves fail when it comes to making those decisions for their own benefit multiple times a day.
That doesn't seem like sabotage. It seems like being human.8 -
My husband has never struggled with his weight and is able to naturally adjust his intake to maintain a steady weight so he truly doesn't understand yoyoing, having to track calories, etc. He would sometimes bring me a piece of candy or offer to get me favourite junk foods like bubble tea completely unprompted and I asked him to please stop doing that while I'm losing weight, to which he has been receptive.
I also had to sit him down and explain what I need to do to lose and maintain weight and that it is difficult for me, both physically and mentally. I explained a bit about how I use the app, briefly showed him through it, etc, and now that he understands, he is incredibly supportive. He even offered to add recipes into the app for me since I find that part tedious.
If it seems like your SO is sabotaging you then try to have a discussion with them about your goals and how their behaviour is being unsupportive. They should respect your efforts of wanting to get healthier.4 -
Sabotage means that they are either force feeding you with foods that don't assist your goals, or are lying about whatever food/drink they are giving to you. No one can force you to eat what you don't want. You can be tempted and urged, but it still comes down you to making your own decision.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 35+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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I dont know what my ex wanted.
Before I married him I weighed 140-160.
While I was married for 20 years I gained up to 260.
When I got divorced I lost to 220 and maintained.
He finally quit calling 3 times a week and coming to the house once a month or so. This morning I weighed 173, on my way to 164?2 -
People should want their spouses to be healthly. In most cases that means losing some weight and exercising more.2
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Theoldguy1 wrote: »People should want their spouses to be healthly. In most cases that means losing some weight and exercising more.
Funny thing is that 2/3 of married people want their spouse to lose weight (I just searched for a link to that number but can't find it, if I ever find it again I'll post the link). It roughly corresponds to the percentage of overweight people in the population.4 -
Losing weight takes such dedication.. changing behaviors and for a long period of time to make a goal. During that time.. a spouse may want a little company.. eating a pizza.. having drinks.. They may miss their eating buddy.. so yeah.. seems like they are trying to sabbatoge ... I dont think for most, it isn't nefarous. Also.. when someone loses a lot of weight.. in the eyes of the spouse..they don't want them to change too much.. Most of us fear change.8
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Sabotage means that they are either force feeding you with foods that don't assist your goals, or are lying about whatever food/drink they are giving to you. No one can force you to eat what you don't want. You can be tempted and urged, but it still comes down you to making your own decision.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 35+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Yes, in many cases, "He's sabotaging me!" might actually mean I am not taking responsibility for my own actions.
I do agree with all the other points about love language etc., but it's important to consider our own agency as well.4 -
Theoldguy1 wrote: »People should want their spouses to be healthly. In most cases that means losing some weight and exercising more.
People should want their partner to be happy. They should not expect someone to change to meet what they think they should be.
Often, this can be a painful realization. You have no control over other’s appearance or lifestyle. You only have control over your own body and actions.
Say your partner becomes a drug addict. What are you going to do? Lock them in a room until they do what you want (and what is probably better for them health wise)? Who does that make you? Where does that leave your “partnership”?
You cannot make a person be the person you need them to be. That is a painful exercise in control and futility. It only ends in terrible things.
Love people for who they are. And if you can’t… walk away. Anything else will be sabotaging everyone’s happiness.
I am very overweight, now, it was not always that way. That is why I am here. My partner is not. He can leave at any time if he does not understand my struggle. But he stays … and I stay because we both understand that we are separate people with our own struggles who support each other. Whatever we might need at the time.3 -
VeryHungryCatepillar45 wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »People should want their spouses to be healthly. In most cases that means losing some weight and exercising more.
People should want their partner to be happy. They should not expect someone to change to meet what they think they should be.
Often, this can be a painful realization. You have no control over other’s appearance or lifestyle. You only have control over your own body and actions.
Say your partner becomes a drug addict. What are you going to do? Lock them in a room until they do what you want (and what is probably better for them health wise)? Who does that make you? Where does that leave your “partnership”?
You cannot make a person be the person you need them to be. That is a painful exercise in control and futility. It only ends in terrible things.
Love people for who they are. And if you can’t… walk away. Anything else will be sabotaging everyone’s happiness.
I am very overweight, now, it was not always that way. That is why I am here. My partner is not. He can leave at any time if he does not understand my struggle. But he stays … and I stay because we both understand that we are separate people with our own struggles who support each other. Whatever we might need at the time.
Unhealthy people are rarely happy.
If my partner became a drug addict, I would not lock them in a room but I would get them help (which could involve rebab, which some could consider being locked in a room).2 -
Well agree to a point. If a person is unwilling, you sometimes have to make a decision to disassociate with them because of how toxic the relationship may end up being. My younger brother was an addict and died from it in March. As much as I tried to keep a close relationship with him (it lessened more and more over the years) having to bail him out of several incidences was a burden after awhile.Theoldguy1 wrote: »VeryHungryCatepillar45 wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »People should want their spouses to be healthly. In most cases that means losing some weight and exercising more.
People should want their partner to be happy. They should not expect someone to change to meet what they think they should be.
Often, this can be a painful realization. You have no control over other’s appearance or lifestyle. You only have control over your own body and actions.
Say your partner becomes a drug addict. What are you going to do? Lock them in a room until they do what you want (and what is probably better for them health wise)? Who does that make you? Where does that leave your “partnership”?
You cannot make a person be the person you need them to be. That is a painful exercise in control and futility. It only ends in terrible things.
Love people for who they are. And if you can’t… walk away. Anything else will be sabotaging everyone’s happiness.
I am very overweight, now, it was not always that way. That is why I am here. My partner is not. He can leave at any time if he does not understand my struggle. But he stays … and I stay because we both understand that we are separate people with our own struggles who support each other. Whatever we might need at the time.
Unhealthy people are rarely happy.
If my partner became a drug addict, I would not lock them in a room but I would get them help (which could involve rebab, which some could consider being locked in a room).
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 35+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Theoldguy1 wrote: »VeryHungryCatepillar45 wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »People should want their spouses to be healthly. In most cases that means losing some weight and exercising more.
People should want their partner to be happy. They should not expect someone to change to meet what they think they should be.
Often, this can be a painful realization. You have no control over other’s appearance or lifestyle. You only have control over your own body and actions.
Say your partner becomes a drug addict. What are you going to do? Lock them in a room until they do what you want (and what is probably better for them health wise)? Who does that make you? Where does that leave your “partnership”?
You cannot make a person be the person you need them to be. That is a painful exercise in control and futility. It only ends in terrible things.
Love people for who they are. And if you can’t… walk away. Anything else will be sabotaging everyone’s happiness.
I am very overweight, now, it was not always that way. That is why I am here. My partner is not. He can leave at any time if he does not understand my struggle. But he stays … and I stay because we both understand that we are separate people with our own struggles who support each other. Whatever we might need at the time.
Unhealthy people are rarely happy.
If my partner became a drug addict, I would not lock them in a room but I would get them help (which could involve rebab, which some could consider being locked in a room).
I have a friend in Substance Use Disorder rehab right now. She just texted for the first time in three weeks. She's working to get more privileges. I think we can consider her to be locked up
I've taken a housemate to detox and visited friends there. I wouldn't take a partner - I'd leave. I've left people NOT bad enough to require detox. I can't imagine being in a relationship with people like those I know who have gone to detox. It's painful enough being friends.5 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »VeryHungryCatepillar45 wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »People should want their spouses to be healthly. In most cases that means losing some weight and exercising more.
People should want their partner to be happy. They should not expect someone to change to meet what they think they should be.
Often, this can be a painful realization. You have no control over other’s appearance or lifestyle. You only have control over your own body and actions.
Say your partner becomes a drug addict. What are you going to do? Lock them in a room until they do what you want (and what is probably better for them health wise)? Who does that make you? Where does that leave your “partnership”?
You cannot make a person be the person you need them to be. That is a painful exercise in control and futility. It only ends in terrible things.
Love people for who they are. And if you can’t… walk away. Anything else will be sabotaging everyone’s happiness.
I am very overweight, now, it was not always that way. That is why I am here. My partner is not. He can leave at any time if he does not understand my struggle. But he stays … and I stay because we both understand that we are separate people with our own struggles who support each other. Whatever we might need at the time.
Unhealthy people are rarely happy.
If my partner became a drug addict, I would not lock them in a room but I would get them help (which could involve rebab, which some could consider being locked in a room).
I have a friend in Substance Use Disorder rehab right now. She just texted for the first time in three weeks. She's working to get more privileges. I think we can consider her to be locked up
I've taken a housemate to detox and visited friends there. I wouldn't take a partner - I'd leave. I've left people NOT bad enough to require detox. I can't imagine being in a relationship with people like those I know who have gone to detox. It's painful enough being friends.
Well guess we have different ideas on what we would do for our partner.3 -
VeryHungryCatepillar45 wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »People should want their spouses to be healthly. In most cases that means losing some weight and exercising more.
People should want their partner to be happy. They should not expect someone to change to meet what they think they should be.
Often, this can be a painful realization. You have no control over other’s appearance or lifestyle. You only have control over your own body and actions.
Say your partner becomes a drug addict. What are you going to do? Lock them in a room until they do what you want (and what is probably better for them health wise)? Who does that make you? Where does that leave your “partnership”?
You cannot make a person be the person you need them to be. That is a painful exercise in control and futility. It only ends in terrible things.
Love people for who they are. And if you can’t… walk away. Anything else will be sabotaging everyone’s happiness.
I am very overweight, now, it was not always that way. That is why I am here. My partner is not. He can leave at any time if he does not understand my struggle. But he stays … and I stay because we both understand that we are separate people with our own struggles who support each other. Whatever we might need at the time.
I do want to encourage my husband to be healthy and I’ll do whatever it takes.. we are aligned in the way we view this for each other. I’ve asked him to keep my trouble foods out of the house and it’s no prob. He supports me in my goals as well. We consider it a team effort.. even though yes we both have our personal responsibility.
If he was an addict I would do whatever I could to help.. even if it includes locking him up!
My sister died of a fentanyl overdose at 28yrs old ..I think she needed more attention.. I wish our family had been more insistent on her detox.. sadly here we are.8 -
SafariGalNYC wrote: »VeryHungryCatepillar45 wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »People should want their spouses to be healthly. In most cases that means losing some weight and exercising more.
People should want their partner to be happy. They should not expect someone to change to meet what they think they should be.
Often, this can be a painful realization. You have no control over other’s appearance or lifestyle. You only have control over your own body and actions.
Say your partner becomes a drug addict. What are you going to do? Lock them in a room until they do what you want (and what is probably better for them health wise)? Who does that make you? Where does that leave your “partnership”?
You cannot make a person be the person you need them to be. That is a painful exercise in control and futility. It only ends in terrible things.
Love people for who they are. And if you can’t… walk away. Anything else will be sabotaging everyone’s happiness.
I am very overweight, now, it was not always that way. That is why I am here. My partner is not. He can leave at any time if he does not understand my struggle. But he stays … and I stay because we both understand that we are separate people with our own struggles who support each other. Whatever we might need at the time.
I do want to encourage my husband to be healthy and I’ll do whatever it takes.. we are aligned in the way we view this for each other. I’ve asked him to keep my trouble foods out of the house and it’s no prob. He supports me in my goals as well. We consider it a team effort.. even though yes we both have our personal responsibility.
If he was an addict I would do whatever I could to help.. even if it includes locking him up!
My sister died of a fentanyl overdose at 28yrs old ..I think she needed more attention.. I wish our family had been more insistent on her detox.. sadly here we are.
This is spoken like someone who really knows the consequences and grave reality. Thank you, it’s given me a new perspective and clarity.1 -
elisa123gal wrote: »Losing weight takes such dedication.. changing behaviors and for a long period of time to make a goal. During that time.. a spouse may want a little company.. eating a pizza.. having drinks.. They may miss their eating buddy.. so yeah.. seems like they are trying to sabbatoge ... I dont think for most, it isn't nefarous. Also.. when someone loses a lot of weight.. in the eyes of the spouse..they don't want them to change too much.. Most of us fear change.
You pretty much described my situation. My husband wants me to look a certain way but he also likes to buy "treats" for us to eat together or cook us a meal that has a lot of calories. (The man likes his butter.) LOL.
I've been working hard to take off the last five pounds and to get completely toned. Sometimes I get angry when he brings home treats but I know he's trying to be a good husband.2 -
elisa123gal wrote: »Losing weight takes such dedication.. changing behaviors and for a long period of time to make a goal. During that time.. a spouse may want a little company.. eating a pizza.. having drinks.. They may miss their eating buddy.. so yeah.. seems like they are trying to sabbatoge ... I dont think for most, it isn't nefarous. Also.. when someone loses a lot of weight.. in the eyes of the spouse..they don't want them to change too much.. Most of us fear change.
You pretty much described my situation. My husband wants me to look a certain way but he also likes to buy "treats" for us to eat together or cook us a meal that has a lot of calories. (The man likes his butter.) LOL.
I've been working hard to take off the last five pounds and to get completely toned. Sometimes I get angry when he brings home treats but I know he's trying to be a good husband.
Ask him what he wants more, for you to look a certain way or to eat "treats" together. Tell him, your preference is to take off the last 5 pounds and get toned. Is he in great shape?4 -
Theoldguy1 wrote: »elisa123gal wrote: »Losing weight takes such dedication.. changing behaviors and for a long period of time to make a goal. During that time.. a spouse may want a little company.. eating a pizza.. having drinks.. They may miss their eating buddy.. so yeah.. seems like they are trying to sabbatoge ... I dont think for most, it isn't nefarous. Also.. when someone loses a lot of weight.. in the eyes of the spouse..they don't want them to change too much.. Most of us fear change.
You pretty much described my situation. My husband wants me to look a certain way but he also likes to buy "treats" for us to eat together or cook us a meal that has a lot of calories. (The man likes his butter.) LOL.
I've been working hard to take off the last five pounds and to get completely toned. Sometimes I get angry when he brings home treats but I know he's trying to be a good husband.
Ask him what he wants more, for you to look a certain way or to eat "treats" together. Tell him, your preference is to take off the last 5 pounds and get toned. Is he in great shape?
He's going to buy the treats. He'll say I don't have to eat them but he wants to have access to cookies, chocolate etc. He works hard, long, hours so I can understand that he wants to have some fun stuff to munch on when he's home.
He needs to lose about ten pounds and work out but he usually doesn't. We have equipment at home and I trained him yesterday: after I begged him to workout. LOL. He wants to get into shape but he's wiped on the weekends. I'm not pushing him too much but he does need to workout at least once a week.1 -
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@PeachHibiscus LOL!
He's actually a very good husband. He has his preferences and I'm fine with trying to accommodate them.1 -
I am an adult. If my husband wants to have ice cream and offer me some, I can say no. Hard stop. Some relationships were founded over socializing over food. So for some, continuing to do this is familiar and nostalgic. ALSO, while I tend to only need to lose 10 lb or so when I move from maintenance back to deficit at times… my husband doesn’t really “see” all the imperfections I am working on. They are less obsessed with our body than we are.3
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I thought of this thread today after my hubby went shopping, and declared “I bought salad stuff for dinner”.
What he bought was:
A mini chorizo and red pepper and cheese quiche
A tub of pasta with spinach pesto and Parmesan
A tub of couscous with roasted vegetables and chickpeas
Sliced ham
A 440g pork pie
He served this up with potato ‘salad’ (potatoes mixed with 50-50 soured cream and light mayonnaise).
Me: “Where’s the freakin’ salad?”
He was genuinely confused by my question.
It’s not sabotage - he just clearly has a very different idea of what constitutes a salad! I did manage to pick my way through the minefield in the end (see below for the calorie details, if you’re interested).The 440g pork pie was 365 calories per 100g. I didn’t eat any of this! (The last time I ate a little slice of pork pie I had decided it just wasn’t worth the calories, so I don’t miss it!)
The mini chorizo and red pepper and cheese quiche, 1 serving, 445 cals. (I ate 3/4 of it)
Pasta with spinach pesto and Parmesan, ready made at 232 cals per 100g. I ate 30g of it.
Couscous with roasted vegetables and chickpeas, ready made at 188 cals per 100g. I ate 30g of it.
Sliced ham, 31 cals per slice. I ate two slices.
I had a tablespoon of the potato salad.
I then added a heap of green leaves, sweetcorn, and some quinoa with red rice I had leftover from yesterday!3
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