What age to talk about the "bird and the bees" to your kid?

I tend to answer questions as they emerge. And we've always been open about bodies, the way they work, we use proper names for things, etc. So I guess my little girl's understanding of sex and sexuality has gradually unfolded in a way that I hope is reasonably organic.

I think once they're on the edge of puberty, they certainly need to know how everything works - and remember puberty is starting younger and younger. But I think if you leave it all till then, it could end up being a bit of a shock to the system.

My own parents told me pretty much nothing. I learned everything I know about sex from stowed away mills and boon books. I was really *quite old* before I worked out quite what M&B meant when they were talking about 'that most intimate of kisses'.... I would like my own child to be a bit better prepared!

My mom asked me if I knew where babies came from when I was seven, I told her I couldn't tell her because it was a bad word, however, I actually knew the act of sex concieved children. We had cousins that lived with us, one was older and when they got sex education in school they spread the information. I just didn't know what to call the act of having sex because I had only ever heard the f-word whispered by others as the source for babies.
I don't think that sex education covers enough in school, it tells you the whys of it, and the science behind it, but not the how of it or the drive behind it. I was WAY unprepared for hormones and their effect on the body and the body's effect on the mind's thinking and reasoning centers.
Here is how I approached it with my last two children... One day I was suffering from mood swings and aggression brought about by the onset of my monthly period menstral cycles, they were small so I explaned to them that mommies get angry and upset when they have "The belly bo-bo" (they were really little) they wanted to know why ladies were upset when they had the belly bo-bo, and I told them that your body is silly and thinks that when it makes a baby that is a duplicate of themselves, and a way to continue, (a sort of immortality, as it were) and that when you reach puberty your body thinks that now it must make itself as many new bodies as it can. When a lady has the belly bo-bo, the body knows it failed at the task it set itself, and it rages in a physical way, releasing hormones and aggression. When you don't know that your body is causing you to feel emotions by way of hormones, you look for the reasons for your angers and rages, and when you look for reasons you will find them, usually in the ones closest to you, your family.
From that discussion we built on it over the years as they grew and asked more questions. We have touched on sex drive, and the importance of self control over your body BEFORE you have to deal with the stresses that hormones are going to put on your system and logic processes, Girls MOST especially need to be prepared for the emotions and auto-response mechanisms in our biological make-up so they can learn to deal with the fact that they were made to WANT to please men and suffer emotionally if they have to refuse.
I have talked with them about STDs as well, and kissing, I told my little ones that kissing is how your body can tell if someone is genetically desirable to mate with, sometimes you kiss someone, and it is like kissing a sibling, and sometimes you kiss someone and your every thought catches fire. Therefore you don't kiss someone on the mouth unless you are considering mating with them. (My Aunt told me when I was 15 not to let a boy kiss me because a kiss was "Upper persuasion for lower invasion" ~laughing~ that was her version of "The Talk"
I told them when they were little that girls had a special place in their bodies for carrying children until they are ready to be born and that the baies grow in a woman's body from her eggs that she is born with, but that a man seed has to mix with the egg to start it forming into a baby. It was years before it occured to one of them to ask me how the man seed got into the woman's body. NOVA has a wonderful DVD called "The miracle of life" That actually shows (tastefully) the moment of ejaculation and conception, and follows this child from a single cell to birth.
I think that schools pretty much have the medical side of sex education, but I think as parents we need to try to find a way to help our children deal with the emotional issues that they are going to deal with, and help them understand early that they will be dealing with a body that wants to do things that are not always appropriate. AND that they are NOT their bodies, they inhabit their bodies, and while they cannot let their bodies do everthing it wants to do, they do not have to be ashamed that the urge was there in the first place.

I gave my daughter a talk when she was 8....she knew what a period was at 7 tho. She was stealing my tampons and playing with them and I wasn't going to lie to her about what those things are for. She knows most everything. She knows what sex is. I wanted to tell her these things before someone else told her. We will talk about boys and dating next year. She will be 9.

My oldest was almost 5 when he asked me, "Mom, where do baby elephants come from?" I'm thinking, elephants??
So I told him "they come from Mommy elephants."
"Well how do they get in the Mommy elephant?"
"The Mommy and Daddy elephant have sex, the mommy gets pregnant with the baby elephant."
"Oh, okay. Hhhhmmmm"

I've always just thought that when they are ready to ask the question, they are ready to hear an answer. With that being said, it needs to be an answer that is appropriate for their age.

I don't have kids, and my parents never had that discussion with me. However, I remember we did have sex ed talk in middle school. I was in 6th or 7th grade. So, if educators feel like this is a good age, I would suggest around then!

^^This - our school discusses starting in 6th grade. Apparently the 7th grade video is "gross", so my suggestion is make sure you hit the main points well before the school does it for you.

You may begin discussing with them at any age actually. What will be different is the content and how you present it. You may just discuss basic anatomical differences for very very young children (e.g., 3-4 years old.) 1st and 2nd grade is a good time to introduce more topics such as different family units. There are books out there about sex made for children, that could help you. Remember, children are very accepting of information early on. As they get older, the more awkward it will be for both of you. Best of luck.

Excellent advice. This is what we did with our 2 boys (now ages 11 and 14) We also kept an open door policy meaning that we answed any and all questions, just geared the answer to their age. A few months ago I was watching TV with my then 10yo and a Cialis commercial came on. He asked what it was for. I told him. He replied "Dude! That is MESSED UP!" :laugh:

One more thing I wanted to add. Please don't assume that your kids just know what they need to know because of society, sex ed in school, ect. Regardless of what they know or don't know, they really need to hear from you, so they can know they are free to come to you with any question or concern they may have. They need to know what you think about the issues. My mother said that she didn't need to tell us anything because we already knew more than she did. This was one of the worst things she could have said as it felt like an expectation I had to live up to, and not in a good way. Please don't make the same mistake, and keep the doors of communication flung as widely open as possible always. That is how things are with my daughter and I and for that I am so grateful!

Amen! That was my dad's contribution to my very limited parental sex education.

As soon as they have questions about it.

I think that is the best answer. My kids are 10,girl, and 8, boy. We have been totally honest with them abot their bodies from the get go. Calling things what they are (penis, etc) and not giving them silly names. we live on a farm, so my kids have seen animals mating and giving birth. If they have questions, I answer them honestly. Keeping that communication open is very important. when my daughter was 8, I told her what to expect in the way of bdy changes in the upcoming years and I am glad that I did not wait umtil now to tell her because those changes are happening to her and from what her friends moms tell me, to other girls too way earlier than it did for me and my friends growing up.

Both of my kids had a class in fifth grade. I talked to them both at the same time when the youngest was done with the class. One was 12 the other 10. I mostly asked them what they learned in class and made sure they understood it all correctly. Kids sometimes get a skewed view of things. I made sure they knew they could ask me any questions and they have.

I think 4th/5th grade is a good age for the basics. like what is expected of how boys and girls of that age are supposed to act, what is appropriate behavior and whatnot, etc.
agreed with the comment above.... right before the school dances start!!

I don't have kids, so not an issue for me yet, but if I ever do I'll handle it differently than my parents did.

My dad was always away on business and never involved in our lives as children and my mom never talked about sex or drugs or drinking. None of it. She grew up pretty religious and conservative in the South and I think was embarrassed or too shy to talk about sex with us. Luckily, my brother and I went to high school in Europe and our school was really upfront and honest about sex education, otherwise I think I would have been in for some serious trouble. The only thing she ever said to me about sex, was writing me a letter when I was like 16 that said I should wait until I'm married. I so wish I had kept the letter, it was one of the most ridiculous things ever. I mean who writes that?

Well my son is only 4, I know I have a little while but I also have the role of both parents. My plan is to discuss it and be open about it as things come up. If he asks a question I'm dreading at age 6, 10, 12, or 15 I'm going to be honest with him and give him a real answer. I was always able to be open with my mom about those kinds of things and I want my son to feel the same way.

Well, for one, don't use silly euphemisms or analogies, and for two, chances are by the time you decide to have "the talk" your child will already know quite a lot about the subject, and may end up schooling you on a few things. lol The key is to treat your kid as though they're not completely stupid, because even kids as young as 5 are very capable of understanding sexual terminology, their anatomy, and even the act of sexual intercourse though not necessarily the possible consequences of it.