GUYS: Moving in with your girlfriend?
Replies
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I've shaped up since moving in with the boyfriend (so the opposite of this thread). I'm a disgusting messy slob and he is an anal neat freak (actually, I assume he is quite normal to most people and their cleaning habits, but compared to me, anal neat freak). Every time my parents visit they thank him and ask how he did it because they couldn't get me to pick up my laundry in 18 years. I guess he nags more
It has stuck too, even when I visit my parents for an extended stay, I end up keeping tidy, doing the dishes and what not... all on my own
Scary times. 0 -
What's that old wives saying...
A woman thinks her man will change
A man thinks his woman won't change
Neither is Correct.0 -
How long have you been dating eachother is important ^^ I dated my ex less than 1 year when we moved in together, and it ended horribly.
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I think if you tell anyone they can't do something EVER AGAIN then you're just asking for trouble because that's the first thing the want to do!! Eating with MFP works the same way LOL.
The shoe was on the other foot with my guy and me. I moved in with him after 2 months of dating (first guy I've lived with and been together over 2 years now). I was the partier and he was the sensible cop. I'd often be out with friends drinking to all hours. There were no children involved so it was a little easier. He was very patient with me and 2 years later, my friends now call me nanna!!
Before you move in you probably need to think how much his lifestyle will REALLY affect you. I mean, if he goes out and comes home at 4am now, what harm is that? As long as he come home quietly, doesn't wake anyone and either sleeps on the couch or comes to bed quietly. As long as he tells you he's going out and that it will be a late one. It's about respect for others and good communication.
You could go mad thinking about all the POSSIBLE things that may or could go wrong. If you move in I can almost guarentee that some of them WILL happen (you live with them!!) but it's how things get dealt with that matters. If you don't give it a shot than where is it all going?
My experinces-
He plays too much XBox which drives me nuts. Told him. Now he plays when I'm not around or asks if it's ok when I am.
Late drunken nights out and snoring. Lol. He told me. I spend those nights in the spare room (which are few and far between these days!)
His raised angry voice and swearing at the footy. I told him. He watches it in the spare room or goes to the pub.
If something annoys you then tell him. Banning things will only set you guys up for more fighting and resentment.
Just my opinion
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I've cohabited several times. Nothing changes. In fact good and bad are both magnified.0
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I moved in with my OH very quickly (after about 4 months!) and it took a fair bit of adjusting on both our parts.
As others say you cannot change someone's habits (4 years down the line my OH is still a complete night-owl and rarely goes to bed before Midnight!) but you must have some mutual agreements in place. For example if he stays up later he knows to keep thing quiet and not stomp around the house switching all the lights on - which he use to do eeeek!
Financially it is imperative you have a structure in place. Whatever you decide has to be fair and agreed by both parties.. but it should be 50/50.
On the rare occasion my OH has a super late night out (they are very rare these day LOL) he knows he will be sleeping on the sofa as to not wake me.
If you are having nay doubts though OP maybe wait a little longer. Your child comes first and if you think your BF is going to be disruptive to the household he really shouldn't move in just yet.
I could have just done this ^^^ Lol.0 -
I agree with all this. I think it was touched on, but nothing drives me nuts more than talking in extremes.
You can never do this, ever again.
Big one was I was told I had to sell my car for a SUV, kid friendly thing.. that didn't happen.
I question why you want to move in too. Is it because you want to be with your bf, or you are looking for extra help with your kid? I don't men to be mean, but you have to answer a lot of this. I think guys do need some training. So you will have to deal with a lot of slip ups before it gets semi ok.0 -
Moving in with my ex of five years was the biggest mistake of my life. We became invisible to each other after a while, stopped looking forward to our 'dates'. A lot of expectations were built and met with disappointment. I know its different for everyone and hugely depends on how stable your relationship with your partner is. I think I was really naive. All I know is that I'll never live with another guy again! Would prefer them to live near me but not in the same house lol >_<0
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In my case it was flexibility on both our parts. You can't expect anyone to fully change their behavior overnight. Moving in together is a huge step, and you need to give each other time to adjust to your new living arrangement and accept your new responsibilities.0
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It depends on the couple. My fiance and I found, living with each other worked best when we did not expect tons more out of each other than roommates. Now don't get me confused, we love each other, he is there when I need him, we make important decisions together. But he doesn't need to tell me every minute action of his life. He will go out with his friends and come home late. I will have a group of friends over. We fill each other in mainly for the curtesy. I know a little bit more of his where-abouts than our roommate. I don't see why him coming home late is a problem, unless he comes home singing at the top of his lungs waking everyone in the house up. Ironically it made our nights together still special.
All this being said, we moved in together too fast. I came back from the Phillipines (Peace Corps, sent home for heatlh reasons) and my living options were NYC or Wisconsin with my parents. So we bit the bullet and decided if we crashed and burned we rather at least be in the same place. I think expecting someone to "shape up" by moving in won't work. Their life is still their life, even when they live with you.0 -
Do NOT hope. Ask him flat out. You have to be able to talk to him about this stuff before you make this big move. If he doesn't change his ways and you don't like it it'll be harder to deal with then than now. This is such a big issue for you and you have to be able to bring this stuff up otherwise you are just going to get p!ssed off when he does something you didn't make him aware of. Given, he should know not to continue the bachelor life when he moves in but going ahead and hoping it all works out is a huge gamble.
Talk talk talk!
Never undervalue actually talking to each other0 -
I can relate. My husband is messy and disorganized, whereas, although I'm NOT a neat freak, I'm a lot neater than he is. Before we were married, we went back and forth between both of our houses for a while. Then, when his sold, he moved in six months before we actually got married.
It has definately been an adjustment for me. His clutter sometimes stresses me out, but we try to set aside a day every two weeks so that we can organize everything. We tried a chores list and that didn't work, but we found a cleaning lady for cheap, so we have her every other week as well. It's a compromise for us, since he makes everything messy and I hate cleaning it up!!!
So, my husband definately still acts like a bachelor, but there are ways to make things work if you have conversations about it and figure things out together. You won't be able to FORCE him into anything, though. Remember to work together so that you're both happy... that's the best kind of compromise.
On a side note, I read that couples that live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce, according to recent research on that topic.
Shannon0 -
On a side note, I read that couples that live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce, according to recent research on that topic.
i live with my boyfriend, and we're getting married next year... so i'll let u know how it works out!!
that being said there is no way i would marry someone that i hadnt even lived with...0 -
Nothing except the level of respect and the choices to be more involved in one another's lives should change. Be prepared to NOT set expectations of the other, because when you do, and they are not met...yor relationship will fail. This goes for both of you. Tha being said, you both need to sit down and lay out ground rules of what you door do not like about how the other lives and work together on those.
Living together and hving a happy loving relationship is easy. You bothjust need to not lose the respect you have now, keep the desires forefront, and remember why you are together and show it.0 -
On a side note, I read that couples that live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce, according to recent research on that topic.
i live with my boyfriend, and we're getting married next year... so i'll let u know how it works out!!
that being said there is no way i would marry someone that i hadnt even lived with...
If everyone relied on statistics, the world would not be over populated, If you are worried about them, then you are one.0 -
When I moved in with my ex he turned into a giant douche and expected me to be his slave.0
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hey be prepared for the man to be a ****. they change because there is more women stuff less room they always complain and they leave their stuff everywhere. i found moldy socks from who knows when. but then again im married lol and my husband didnt do that but others did. but it all depends on the man0
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And well, I have a 3 year old, which requires a bit more of a structured lifestyle, so that really isn't going to fly with me.
I wouldn't let a man move in with me and my child, unless he were going to be there permanently. If you're not married, he has the option to leave, which means it could be really confusing to your child. But that's just me.0 -
So...
Is he going to "change" for you when you "lay down the law" after he moves in? ROFL
is this your first relationship?
Here's what you need to know;
No one will change for you.
You don't get to "lay down the rules" in a relationship unless it is with your own child .
If you really think otherwise, don't bother, you're just going to mess up both your lives by moving in together and destroy whatever relationship you have.If you've moved in with your girlfriend.... did it make you a better boyfriend? I'm starting to re-think the plans my boyfriend and I have of moving in together after the first of the year..... As of now he's soooo used to the bachelor living, being able to do whatever whenever... getting home at 330AM in the middle of the week... And well, I have a 3 year old, which requires a bit more of a structured lifestyle, so that really isn't going to fly with me. It doesn't bother me now because I don't have to deal with it at this time...
SO my question is, is it typical to "shape up" when you move in with your girlfriend? I've never lived with a boyfriend up to this point, so all I can do is hope.... haaaa BUT I don't want to get stuck. Fear of commitment maybe?? lol...
Opinions? Advice?0 -
Obviously, like a lot of people have said, your child is the most important in this situation. That being said, speaking from experience, there is only so much he will truly change.
Even then, it's really easy to give someone a laundry list of "in order to live together, you must be able to 1)do this..2)do that, etc". Sure, the first several months it may be easy and smooth and he's eager. But sometimes, there will come a time when the other person is either resentful of having to "change" or feels like they are losing themselves.
I would be worried when OR if that time comes, how it would affect your child.0 -
never works out the way everyone thinks. Majority of the time, it will be the worst case scenario. Everyone is different and some people will be willing to change but it wont come easy. Wait til your married.0
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A book by Bill Bennett just came out in which he discusses his theory that men are actually the weaker sex. Because women have become so much stronger, better educated, and find they can do well on their own, men are less likely to "settle down" to a couples sort of lifestyle. They have not learned how to be a man which they are supposed to learn from fathers and other male role models as they are growing up. Men do not do as well on their own. I realize this is not exactly the answer you need, but I guess I am trying to suggest you put your child's needs first in this situation. Is this a person who really likes kids? Is this person someone who can be a role model for your child? How will it affect your child to change living style? Is this person someone you would entrust with the life of your child? Is this person willing to share in the day to day routine of keeping a home or is that going to be just your responsibility? These are things you probably should work out before you make your decision or you may not be living together long.
Good luck with whatever you decide.0 -
I would not move in with someone unless married, but especially when you have a young child in tow. Just fodder for the ex to use against you in any future custody / visitation / child support dispute.
Not to mention the fact that it is a poor example for the child and confusing when you break up and the child will no longer see the SO.0 -
Not to mention the fact that it is a poor example for the child and confusing when you break up and the child will no longer see the SO.
I wanted to say the same thing but thought it would be better received from a woman. Unfortunately, I have witness this issue with my sister & nephew. The poor kid doesn't know what a real relationship is supposed to be like. Not only does he witness poor relationships, when they end it is like he is losing one of his buddies. The poor kid is starved for a father figure and attaches to every loser my sister brings home.0 -
Not to mention the fact that it is a poor example for the child and confusing when you break up and the child will no longer see the SO.
I wanted to say the same thing but thought it would be better received from a woman. Unfortunately, I have witness this issue with my sister & nephew. The poor kid doesn't know what a real relationship is supposed to be like. Not only does he witness poor relationships, when they end it is like he is losing one of his buddies. The poor kid is starved for a father figure and attaches to every loser my sister brings home.
This is exactly why I haven't lived with anyone. And the main reason I am reluctant to--I see too many kids that call every man Daddy. My boyfriend is the only one that my daughter has known, I was engaged before but we broke up before my daughter was old enough to know any better, and my current bf is the first relationship since then. She has seen her real "dad" a few times.... but doesn't, and probably will never, know he's her "dad" because well... He isn't. He may have donated the sperm.. but that's about it. My current BF is the closest thing she's ever known to a Dad, but she still calls him Justin.. I am very conscience of this... I don't want her to grow up being unsure of her surroundings because they changed so much.0 -
My Mom did this frequently when I was a kid. Please don't do this unless you're married or going to marry this man. I can't even begin to describe the emotion damage it does on a child to have a father figure and then they're gone. If you have doubts, which it seems you possibly do, please don't move in together.
Good luck.0 -
I would suggest that you have a talk with him. Moving in is a big step and not something you should do with doubts. Ask him if he expects to continue his late nights out (and any other things you think you might need to discuss). You will both undoubtedly need to make some changes and adjustments, but some things are deal breakers. If you are really ready to move in, it shouldn't be difficult to have this conversation. He might surprise you and be totally on board with a more settled, domestic life with you.
I agree with this 100% and Kudos to you for thinking 1st about your 3 year old!! Personally I think it's a huge step and shouldn't be taken lightly and I would wait until marriage to move in...but everyone is different!0 -
Relationships go from
Dating,
to
Spending most of our time together but not living together,
to
We might as well live together for time, energy and financial reasons
to
we have lived together for x years, or we want to have children together and so it's time we got engaged
to
Married
I LOVE THIS!
perfect.
!
I live with my boyfriend. We have not changed anything since we've moved in together. You know what is best!0
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