Motivated Mommas Week 6 (closed group)

OK im a little freaked out by the scale, Friday when I weighed it said 235.7:bigsmile: (major happy dance) Today I weighed about 30 minutes earlier which usually means i'll have an extra 0.5 lbs or so but....233.7 a loss of 2 lbs on a weekend:huh: , for me thats completely unheard of, even when I workout double and eat perfectly I ALWAYS have a gain come sunday or monday. IDK If I should be so super happy or scared of what im gonna see tomorrow!! As long as I dont go over 235 I think I can handle it! Heres to having some kind of loss come Wednesday for the first time in 2 weeks!!!:drinker:

OK im a little freaked out by the scale, Friday when I weighed it said 235.7:bigsmile: (major happy dance) Today I weighed about 30 minutes earlier which usually means i'll have an extra 0.5 lbs or so but....233.7 a loss of 2 lbs on a weekend:huh: , for me thats completely unheard of, even when I workout double and eat perfectly I ALWAYS have a gain come sunday or monday. IDK If I should be so super happy or scared of what im gonna see tomorrow!! As long as I dont go over 235 I think I can handle it! Heres to having some kind of loss come Wednesday for the first time in 2 weeks!!!:drinker:

hi girls! I feel totally blah today. had a horrible nights sleep (nightmares, disturbing dreams, gerenal anxiety) I got less than 4 hours total. argh... I'm exhausted :yawn:

anywho, I'm gonna go chug some coffee and hope to get a false burst of energy from the caffiene. I think that's about my only hope for getting any work done today. :ohwell:

hope you all are having a better morning then me!

Emotional challenge: It's long and kinda rambly, and I'm tearing up as I write this but I love you girls and I really want to share what I am feeling at this exact moment because I hope and pray that you all get to have a moment like this too. :flowerforyou:

For starters, I have to say that I struggle pretty much daily with my motivation, my drive and my worth. I still get discouraged. And I still emotionally eat. And I still think of myself as fat. But here's the thing... I also think of myself as powerful. Even at my most discouraged I look back at the 40ish lbs I've lost and I know that I have the power to keep losing. I've learned that will power and motivation come from within. Not to say that the support of my mfp friends hasn't kept me going - it totally has!! My point is simply that it is MY internal power that urges me to log on when every single day, regardless of whether or not I feel like crap and want to eay my feelings. I make the decision every single day to be here, to be honest and to be healthy. I think back to something on ef my bosses said to me 9 months ago when talking about his weight loss "it's all about will power" and at the time I thought "well, I guess that's just something I don't have" and I dug into my bread pudding. Well, now I have it. And I understand exactly what he meant.

How has my outlook on life changed? Hmmm... April 2011 I was preparing myself mentally for my return to work. I had gained so much weight that pretty much none of my pre-baby wardrobe was gonna fit. (allow me to mention, my pre-baby wardrobe was made up of size 16s and XLs with the occasional 18 thrown in for good mix) so I made a big donation to a local charity and went out and bought some very nice new work clothes. Size 18, XXLs exclusively. I did that because I HONESTLY BELIEVED I would nver lose weight and that I needed to resign myself to the size I was. Now all those new shirts I bought hang off of me. Some could be confused as a short dress. I made another donation to the same local charity of the clothes that now are too big! I am back into a size 16 pant (although I cling stubbornly to one pair of 18s because I love the feeling of lose clothes after spending so much time squeezed into things!). I still wear an XL shirt but I am close to a large and it it weren't for my baby gut I'd for sure be in one already. But that's ok I'm getting there. And that is how my outlook has changed. I no longer look automatically to the back of the rack for the largest possible size knowing full well that it may not fit anyways. I try on different styles and I ask to try to the L because I know that one day, as if by magic, it WILL fit me perfectly. Except it won't be magic that caused this transformation - it will be me.

Am I happier? yes and no. I'm not happy with how I look. And I'm not happy with how I feel all the time. But I am happy that my confidence is increasing. I am happy that I have control over this previously uncontrolled issue. I am happy that I am setting a good example for my son (even tho he is too young to appreciate it!) I am happy thatI hacve dealt with this issue and taken control of it ebfore he was old enough to be damaged by mommy's unhealthy lifestyle and accompaniying depression. and I am happy that I have confronted and continue to confront a lot of my emotional issues (thanks in no small part to SAHMU and MM!)

Do other people notice? YEs. Absolutely. THey notice more than I do. My husband thinks I'm hot as hell . My sister is isnanely jealous and kinda spiteful. My friends continually slap and grab my *kitten* (we are an affectionate bunch!). My dad tells me he's proud of me. My mom tells me I inspire her. My sister comes back after spiteful and mean comments and tells me she is proud of me. My colleagues randomly report differnt vendors that haven't seen me in awhile giving me the once over. And i am flattered by all of this reaction, both positve and engative because it is all genuine. I just don't really see it. Until today...

I apologize for rambling. It's just... I want to remember this day. I want to remember it because my mom sent me a few pcitures that she took over the last 2 weeks and as I opened them I wept. I wept because for the first time I saw what people are seeing. I saw that I look slimmer. I look healthier. my complexion, while never bad perse, is so much clearer. More than the physical changes, I see that I don't look uncomfortable because I am trying to look smaller when the camera points my way. I see a girl that I would describe as pretty. I see that I'm no longer hiding behind my super adorable son but instead holding him proudly. I see the girl I dream of being is within reach and that I am slowly becoming who I know I am capable of being. I see how far I've come and I am inspired to go further because I know I can. So, today, at this moment, I see it. And I'm sure I will forget this feeling soon. I will get lost in the day to day drudgery of counting calories and waking up super early to workout and I will have moments where I will feel it is in vain. Which I why I wanted to write this feelign down. I want to capture it somewhere that I can come back to and remind myself. Also, I'm using this as motivation to start taking regular pictures. Every 10lbs form her eon out I will take a snapshot of how far I've come so that I can look back. And maybe, if I do that for long enough, I will be able to see that girl I'm looking for in the mirror. Until that time comes, I'll jsut hve to keep looking I guess.

Thanks for reading. Sorry for rambling. I'm just overwhelmed in the best possible way and wanted to share that with the women that have kept me going so many times when I wanted to give up.

Much love,
Lynda:flowerforyou:

Emotional challenge: It's long and kinda rambly, and I'm tearing up as I write this but I love you girls and I really want to share what I am feeling at this exact moment because I hope and pray that you all get to have a moment like this too. :flowerforyou:

For starters, I have to say that I struggle pretty much daily with my motivation, my drive and my worth. I still get discouraged. And I still emotionally eat. And I still think of myself as fat. But here's the thing... I also think of myself as powerful. Even at my most discouraged I look back at the 40ish lbs I've lost and I know that I have the power to keep losing. I've learned that will power and motivation come from within. Not to say that the support of my mfp friends hasn't kept me going - it totally has!! My point is simply that it is MY internal power that urges me to log on when every single day, regardless of whether or not I feel like crap and want to eay my feelings. I make the decision every single day to be here, to be honest and to be healthy. I think back to something on ef my bosses said to me 9 months ago when talking about his weight loss "it's all about will power" and at the time I thought "well, I guess that's just something I don't have" and I dug into my bread pudding. Well, now I have it. And I understand exactly what he meant.

How has my outlook on life changed? Hmmm... April 2011 I was preparing myself mentally for my return to work. I had gained so much weight that pretty much none of my pre-baby wardrobe was gonna fit. (allow me to mention, my pre-baby wardrobe was made up of size 16s and XLs with the occasional 18 thrown in for good mix) so I made a big donation to a local charity and went out and bought some very nice new work clothes. Size 18, XXLs exclusively. I did that because I HONESTLY BELIEVED I would nver lose weight and that I needed to resign myself to the size I was. Now all those new shirts I bought hang off of me. Some could be confused as a short dress. I made another donation to the same local charity of the clothes that now are too big! I am back into a size 16 pant (although I cling stubbornly to one pair of 18s because I love the feeling of lose clothes after spending so much time squeezed into things!). I still wear an XL shirt but I am close to a large and it it weren't for my baby gut I'd for sure be in one already. But that's ok I'm getting there. And that is how my outlook has changed. I no longer look automatically to the back of the rack for the largest possible size knowing full well that it may not fit anyways. I try on different styles and I ask to try to the L because I know that one day, as if by magic, it WILL fit me perfectly. Except it won't be magic that caused this transformation - it will be me.

Am I happier? yes and no. I'm not happy with how I look. And I'm not happy with how I feel all the time. But I am happy that my confidence is increasing. I am happy that I have control over this previously uncontrolled issue. I am happy that I am setting a good example for my son (even tho he is too young to appreciate it!) I am happy thatI hacve dealt with this issue and taken control of it ebfore he was old enough to be damaged by mommy's unhealthy lifestyle and accompaniying depression. and I am happy that I have confronted and continue to confront a lot of my emotional issues (thanks in no small part to SAHMU and MM!)

Do other people notice? YEs. Absolutely. THey notice more than I do. My husband thinks I'm hot as hell . My sister is isnanely jealous and kinda spiteful. My friends continually slap and grab my *kitten* (we are an affectionate bunch!). My dad tells me he's proud of me. My mom tells me I inspire her. My sister comes back after spiteful and mean comments and tells me she is proud of me. My colleagues randomly report differnt vendors that haven't seen me in awhile giving me the once over. And i am flattered by all of this reaction, both positve and engative because it is all genuine. I just don't really see it. Until today...

I apologize for rambling. It's just... I want to remember this day. I want to remember it because my mom sent me a few pcitures that she took over the last 2 weeks and as I opened them I wept. I wept because for the first time I saw what people are seeing. I saw that I look slimmer. I look healthier. my complexion, while never bad perse, is so much clearer. More than the physical changes, I see that I don't look uncomfortable because I am trying to look smaller when the camera points my way. I see a girl that I would describe as pretty. I see that I'm no longer hiding behind my super adorable son but instead holding him proudly. I see the girl I dream of being is within reach and that I am slowly becoming who I know I am capable of being. I see how far I've come and I am inspired to go further because I know I can. So, today, at this moment, I see it. And I'm sure I will forget this feeling soon. I will get lost in the day to day drudgery of counting calories and waking up super early to workout and I will have moments where I will feel it is in vain. Which I why I wanted to write this feelign down. I want to capture it somewhere that I can come back to and remind myself. Also, I'm using this as motivation to start taking regular pictures. Every 10lbs form her eon out I will take a snapshot of how far I've come so that I can look back. And maybe, if I do that for long enough, I will be able to see that girl I'm looking for in the mirror. Until that time comes, I'll jsut hve to keep looking I guess.

Thanks for reading. Sorry for rambling. I'm just overwhelmed in the best possible way and wanted to share that with the women that have kept me going so many times when I wanted to give up.

Much love,
Lynda:flowerforyou: