divorce and dating
running_mom
Posts: 204 Member
So my divorce is no where near final but the thought of dating again really scares me. We were together for 13 years. I was 19 when we met. Im going to be like a 15 year old girl again when it comes to guys! And, I know this is messed up but I hate the idea of him being with someone else. I do not want to think of him hitting on nasty chicks in the bar and taking them home. (Why I think of that I don't know. That's where my mind goes I guess) Not that I don't want him to be happy because even though I hate him right now I really do want the best for him. Just wish it were me that's all. Plus I want time for myself. I went from living with my parents to being married and having kids.
Do you just know when its the right time to start dating again? A couple of my friends want me to do online dating. I want a someone to come home to. I just know Im gonna end up living in a retirement home with my single friends begging my kids to visit me!
Do you just know when its the right time to start dating again? A couple of my friends want me to do online dating. I want a someone to come home to. I just know Im gonna end up living in a retirement home with my single friends begging my kids to visit me!
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Replies
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when you are ready to start dating, you'll know.
Truth is there is always one a little more ready for it than the other.
Take it naturally. Don't force yourself into anything.0 -
My first thought is (because of what you wrote): you need some alone time to be happy with yourself first.... don't worry about the retirement home yet ;-) But the "need" to be coupled rather than alone is a scary place in my opinion. Get happy with you, the alone you, before getting into any dating scenario.
Unless it's just for sex, and then, game on ;-P0 -
Take your time!! There's no hurry....you need to take care of YOU first and your kids. Until you resolve everything, you're not ready to date. You need time to mourn the relationship, and then you will know. Don't rush things, this is your time.0
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My first thought is (because of what you wrote): you need some alone time to be happy with yourself first.... don't worry about the retirement home yet ;-) But the "need" to be coupled rather than alone is a scary place in my opinion. Get happy with you, the alone you, before getting into any dating scenario.
Unless it's just for sex, and then, game on ;-P
agreed. You have to be happy with you first, or you will never be happy with someone else.0 -
I agree with the first two replies. Take time to get comfortable being alone, and when the time is right you WILL know.0
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I started dating when I was ready...which is probably why I got divorced.........0
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You are young. Take some time to be by yourself, enjoy your kids and when the time is right you will know.0
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I'm right there with you- exactly, well except I don't have kids.
The whole dating thing scares the crap out of me. I just want to find someone that makes my ovaries quiver x10, whom has that friendship vibe as well, who laughs at my jokes and I crack up at his and THEN fast forward 6 months where we're comfy and in love. I know that's not going to happen so I just take it a day at a time.
I also think of the soon to be ex with other women. I guess that's normal?? Everybody keeps telling me to focus on ME though and don't put thought into what his life will be (will suck w/o me, for sure!!
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I have a certain amount of time in mind where I won't actively date or look for anything but more, just focus on myself, my healing, etc.. but I'm not waiting too long!!!! :drinker:0 -
Did you file or did he? Did you want out of the relationship or was it mutual? I feel so sorry about this, I was married for 14 years and had 4 kids and the most important thing for you to do is to make sure those kids KNOW it was not their fault. It is more important than anything right now. Dating will happen when it happens. If there is ANY chance at all to work things out I would do it. Those kids... I know by how my kids are.. and how he FORCED the visitation schedule instead of being relaxed and happy with them, and GETTING along in front of them no matter what. It is harder on them than anyone knows. Being hateful to each other in front of them or one or both of you arguing about your time or his time... it is all really bad. My ex treated me terrible in front of them and demanded time and no matter if they were kicking and screaming and not wanting to go, he would drag them out and make them because we couldn't "break the contract of the JOD". It was awful. I sometimes regret divorcing because of how THEY ended up getting treated. The dating needs to wait I believe. I would take your kids places and enjoy life with them and make this as easy as possible for them. I wish I could transfer all my experiences and my kids reactions to you so you would know. Praying for you!!0
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Are you sure you don't want to work things out and try separation for a while instead? It doesn't work for everyone, but I do know of some couples who have reunited and are happier after almost losing each other. It sounds like you still love him very much. Sometimes, it is easier to work through the growth pains of a marriage than to begin again. (I am assuming the marriage was mostly good.) Remember, too, you can fall in and out of love with your spouse -- and that is perfectly normal.
It sounds to me as if you need some time to get to know yourself. So, even if you do divorce, maybe you should take a break from dating for a bit and just get involved in activities that interest you and make some new friendships. When you start dating, you will know yourself better and know what you need.0 -
Dating again after divorce is tricky especially with little kids, I know I did it several years back. As far as you just getting out there...don't do the online thing...many folks do, but people can say anything on line! It's like a safety net - you don't have to be real or honest. (although some really are)
Give yourself some time to heal the issues that led up to the divorce and don't try to use a guy to fix whatever pain it caused. You need to be fully together to start dating and have a future relationship.
Your whole new dating/socializing world (as well as their fathers) is really going to throw the kids into a confusing time. Their interest comes first. So when you do start dating don't bring the guys home to meet them untill you are well into a serious relationship.......they will either want to know that each new guy is the new step-dad OR they will be afraid and nervous. Communication with them will be key for you.
My take is that you have many years ahead of you to find the next right man for you and the children take it ever so slowly and thoughtfully.
Best of Luck
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I'm going through this right now, but I think my situation is a bit different. I don't have kids in the mix and the divorce is 100% my choice. I've been dealing with the loss of the relationship with my husband for some time now and I'm ready to get out and date immediately. Although, that being said, I also started dating my husband when I was 18 and we were together for 11 years. The whole dating scene is a bit alien to me, but I'm excited about it.
It's been said, but I think you probably need to be on your own for a bit. Deal with the ending of this relationship, focus on yourself and your children (NOT ON HIM AND WHO HE MAY OR MAY NOT BE HITTING ON) and when the time is right, you'll know.
Good luck to you! *hugs*0 -
Been there done that!!!!
I had something to prove to myself when my 13 yr marriage failed. I could provide for my children and pay my bills all by MYSELF!!! I decided to get to know the now 30 something that existed in my skin.......reconnect with friends, try new things, etc....
If I couldn't make myself happy how would could someone else, if I didnt know what I needed.
You will know when to date and you will know who is the one.... it just takes time......
I told my new husband.. I am already a mom, but I will love your kids like my own, they have a dad (you dont need tot hink you have to step up, help would be great, but not a requirement), and I can pay my own bills, WHAT I really need you for is ME. WE do really well blending our families. It wont be easy but its doable!!
GOOD LUCK!!!!0 -
I was told the "formula" is like 1 month for every year that you were married or something like that, but the truth is you'll know- but my advice from someone who's been there.... don't rush it. Take your time especially if you have kids. You need time to find the new you and develope as a single person. Take the time to grow into the person you want to be. I wish you luck.0
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Good luck, just go out there and date . have fun and relax... it will come around...0
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I have been where you are...married for 13 yrs with kids, left home to marriage...I will say, take this time to do YOU. You give up so much of yourself when you are married..I totally lost who I was, or maybe I never knew who I was. Another thing is never speak negatively...you want to find a husband one day that will love you for you and you know all the other criteria that he must meet...then expect just that. I told God what I wanted and my current hubby isn't perfect, but he totally matches what I asked for.
You are special...take some time to heal and know for yourself, that you are special and deserving of only the best.0 -
I started dating when I was ready...which is probably why I got divorced.........
LOL!!!!!!!!!!0 -
Do one last movie night with your husband and watch Fire Proof.0
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So about to go through this myself. I think you will know when the time is right for you. But, if you haven't had one in a year after, that would be something to worry about. Otherwise, just do what you want. That is what I am gonna do.0
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He's been unhappy for a couple of years. Ive always said I wanted to work on things and change. I know I'm not perfect and I could use some improvment within the marriage. But he blames me for everything. I think thats why I hate him right now. Even though I really wasn't happy I took responsiblity for my actions and wanted him to do the same. I just wanted to say that we tried everything we could to save the marriage. I really thought that we would be able to get through anything. But he says its too late. Ill have to accpet that. Yes it hurts. But my worst break down has go to be better than fighting with him. Right? But truthfully I do want him to be happy. He works hard and is a good father. But anyways, he filed.
I wasn't saying I was ready to date now. NO WAY! I was just wondering how long it took people to get back out there. I think thats what Im most afraid of- not finding someone else. The unknown sucks!0 -
I'm in a similar boat, too, without kids. I've gone on a couple of dates with this one guy. He's the guy I'd date if I got into a serious relationship, but I'm not sure I'm ready. Right now, I'm finding myself, re-decorating my house, and having fun with my friends.0
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Do one last movie night with your husband and watch Fire Proof.
I love that movie! There is book like the one in the movie: The Love Dare: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/0805448853/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1320697088&sr=1-10 -
The whole dating thing scares the crap out of me. I just want to find someone that makes my ovaries quiver x10, whom has that friendship vibe as well, who laughs at my jokes and I crack up at his and THEN fast forward 6 months where we're comfy and in love. I know that's not going to happen so I just take it a day at a time.
I've never been married or divorced, but this is exactly how I feel right now, too. The hardest part is trying not to read too much into anything, but I feel a bit socially handicapped because I was in a relationship for 6 years, then completely and totally single (no dating at all) for over a year after that. When I was finally ready to get back into dating, I found myself constantly questioning a guy's motives if he flirted with me, if he asked me questions about myself, if he gave me his phone number, if he even complimented me on something completely innocent. It had been so long since I'd had to deal with any of that, that it just wasn't fun at all, and I had a hard time being myself around anyone.
I feel much more confident now. Just waiting on the right man.0 -
He's been unhappy for a couple of years. Ive always said I wanted to work on things and change. I know I'm not perfect and I could use some improvment within the marriage. But he blames me for everything. I think thats why I hate him right now. Even though I really wasn't happy I took responsiblity for my actions and wanted him to do the same. I just wanted to say that we tried everything we could to save the marriage. I really thought that we would be able to get through anything. But he says its too late. Ill have to accpet that. Yes it hurts. But my worst break down has go to be better than fighting with him. Right? But truthfully I do want him to be happy. He works hard and is a good father. But anyways, he filed.
I wasn't saying I was ready to date now. NO WAY! I was just wondering how long it took people to get back out there. I think thats what Im most afraid of- not finding someone else. The unknown sucks!
Really try to watch this movie with him. Show him my posts... I really would love to try to help you for you both and mostly the kids. It is so hard on them. Watch Fire Proof together. It is a wonderful movie about a marriage that was almost over.0 -
Do one last movie night with your husband and watch Fire Proof.
I love that movie! There is book like the one in the movie: The Love Dare: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/0805448853/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1320697088&sr=1-1
I know! I have the book too! It is phenomenal!0 -
He's been unhappy for a couple of years. Ive always said I wanted to work on things and change. I know I'm not perfect and I could use some improvment within the marriage. But he blames me for everything. I think thats why I hate him right now. Even though I really wasn't happy I took responsiblity for my actions and wanted him to do the same. I just wanted to say that we tried everything we could to save the marriage. I really thought that we would be able to get through anything. But he says its too late. Ill have to accpet that. Yes it hurts. But my worst break down has go to be better than fighting with him. Right? But truthfully I do want him to be happy. He works hard and is a good father. But anyways, he filed.
I wasn't saying I was ready to date now. NO WAY! I was just wondering how long it took people to get back out there. I think thats what Im most afraid of- not finding someone else. The unknown sucks!
Really try to watch this movie with him. Show him my posts... I really would love to try to help you for you both and mostly the kids. It is so hard on them. Watch Fire Proof together. It is a wonderful movie about a marriage that was almost over.
not meaning to thread-jack but we both watched that movie together and it didn't help. Our divorce will be final in January0 -
Thanks for the movie suggestion but theres no way he would watch that. I know exactly what hed say... it's a movie! But I still might watch it : )0
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That's sad. It is impacting. It works for some, I wish people would just give it a chance and not discourage until other people have had a chance to make that judgement themselves. You watch it then. It may still work for you in the long run. How long until it's final for you?0
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I hate to see marriages break up. :-(
Ladies, I wish you well nevertheless. Sometimes, men (and us women) don't see what's in front of them (us) because they (we) are dealing with other issues. I hope that your husbands find healing inasmuch as I hope you do too.
Am not making judgements here.0 -
He's been unhappy for a couple of years. Ive always said I wanted to work on things and change. I know I'm not perfect and I could use some improvment within the marriage. But he blames me for everything. I think thats why I hate him right now. Even though I really wasn't happy I took responsiblity for my actions and wanted him to do the same. I just wanted to say that we tried everything we could to save the marriage. I really thought that we would be able to get through anything. But he says its too late. Ill have to accpet that. Yes it hurts. But my worst break down has go to be better than fighting with him. Right? But truthfully I do want him to be happy. He works hard and is a good father. But anyways, he filed.
I wasn't saying I was ready to date now. NO WAY! I was just wondering how long it took people to get back out there. I think thats what Im most afraid of- not finding someone else. The unknown sucks!
Really try to watch this movie with him. Show him my posts... I really would love to try to help you for you both and mostly the kids. It is so hard on them. Watch Fire Proof together. It is a wonderful movie about a marriage that was almost over.
not meaning to thread-jack but we both watched that movie together and it didn't help. Our divorce will be final in January
I wish I could change things for you and see you guys all healed up. Divorce is just not worth it when there are kids involved.0
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