Awesome Drunk Stories...
Story time. I'm bored.
I was 8 mos pregnant and sleeping when I heard my husband come home sh*ttanked in the wee early hours. He bounced off the walls of the hallway like a ping pong ball. I fake sleep for fear he may want to have sex... or worse... talk.
We had a beagle mix. At night, we'd give her a femur bone with a little peanut butter in her doggy cave as a night time treat. I hear him open the peanut butter, etc. and he goes to bed.
The next morning, I am getting ready for work and go to iron my dress. He didn't peanut butter the dog bone. He peanut buttered the iron... thoroughly.
Next?
I was 8 mos pregnant and sleeping when I heard my husband come home sh*ttanked in the wee early hours. He bounced off the walls of the hallway like a ping pong ball. I fake sleep for fear he may want to have sex... or worse... talk.
We had a beagle mix. At night, we'd give her a femur bone with a little peanut butter in her doggy cave as a night time treat. I hear him open the peanut butter, etc. and he goes to bed.
The next morning, I am getting ready for work and go to iron my dress. He didn't peanut butter the dog bone. He peanut buttered the iron... thoroughly.
Next?
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Replies
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Was at a friends house....got really drunk....ended up in the neighbor hot tub....skinny dipping with our friends at 2 in the morning.....then I fell walking up her boyfriends narrow stairs and stumbled into their parents bedroom instead of the room I was sleeping in.....then I woke up in the morning still drunk and fell walking down the narrow stairs....went out to the barn and had another drink......Great weekend! LOL0
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Was at a friends house....got really drunk....ended up in the neighbor hot tub....skinny dipping with our friends at 2 in the morning.....then I fell walking up her boyfriends narrow stairs and stumbled into their parents bedroom instead of the room I was sleeping in.....then I woke up in the morning still drunk and fell walking down the narrow stairs....went out to the barn and had another drink......Great weekend! LOL
Were the parents IN the room?? *LOL*0 -
I was at a party and this military looking guy was taking shots all throughout the night...little did we know that he's NEVER gotten drunk off liquor only beer...a couple of hours into the party he was on all fours running around saying "i'm tony the tiger!" (his name was tony) and crawling into my friend's closet complimenting how soft the carpet was.
oh the next day my poor friend and her roommate had to clean up his puke! he didn't remember much that night i presume and passed out in one of the rooms.0 -
College. Friend's 21st birthday (at his parents' house)... We had a GREAT time. Around midnight, another friend (not the birthday boy), Chris, passed out. A little while later, Chris started walking around the basement. Joe (another friend) made a comment to the effect of, "Hey, that's the number of turns he'd make going from his room to the bathroom at home." Chris then proceeded to lift up one of the (leather) couch cushions like it was a toilet lid and pee all over the couch under the cushion.0
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I was in my 20s and celebrating New Years Eve with my three best friends (we were inseparable). We were smart and had gotten a hotel room near the bar. After a great evening, and far too many drinks, we head back and change for bed. I think we were all wearing a tee shirt and underwear - except my one friend had on a tee shirt and thong... and the tee shirt wasn't very long.
In the middle of the night, we awake to knocking on the door. We were a little confused, and one of the girls said "where is ***?"
She had gone to the bathroom, except confused the room door for the bathroom door. She was standing outside of the room (thong and all), trying to figure out what was going on. When I opened the door, she just said "this isn't the bathroom", and went back to bed.0 -
My husband got TANKED and decided to wander off while the rest of us sat around the bbq outside. About an hour later, we see him come back and try and do some Matrix jump move from one bush to another.. which ultimately lead to him flailing himself into a bush...
Then later on that night, he drops a almost-full Carona on the ground and SWEARS that it busted a hole in the sidewalk. Not the fact that the cracked hole had already been there, but his superhuman drunk strength smashed a hole in the ground with a glass bottle.0 -
We used to invite our friends over after the club for more drinking and music... woke up one morning to find someone had taken a dump in the shower of my spare restroom. NOT COOL!
Even worse was having to clean that $h!t up!
To this day none of my friends will fess up as to who did it, needless to say.. we stopped inviting people to come over for after parties. LOL0 -
Was at a friends house....got really drunk....ended up in the neighbor hot tub....skinny dipping with our friends at 2 in the morning.....then I fell walking up her boyfriends narrow stairs and stumbled into their parents bedroom instead of the room I was sleeping in.....then I woke up in the morning still drunk and fell walking down the narrow stairs....went out to the barn and had another drink......Great weekend! LOL
Were the parents IN the room?? *LOL*
LMAO Yup.......0 -
I lived in an area where all the houses looked the same. One of my neighbors came home drunk to the wrong house, couldn't get in so he kept ringing the doorbell. I opened the door and asked Jeff what the heck he was doing. He stumbled past me, said something about the "new" furniture and passed out on my couch. I had to go 2 houses down and get his wife. It took her my husband and myself to drag his but home!! I did however make him was my truck every weekend for a month!!0
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I usually drink straight flavored vodka but a friend insisted on making the drinks with juice. Since I couldn't taste much of the vodka, I assumed he just hadn't put much in. Four drinks later, we were high fiving everyone at the trolley stop close by. I woke up the next morning dreaming he had spray painted a giant eyeball on the college across from my condo. When I walked outside to take my puppy out, I looked across the street, and saw a giant eyeball.
I walked around for the next week paranoid everytime I saw a cop car.0 -
I was in my 20s and celebrating New Years Eve with my three best friends (we were inseparable). We were smart and had gotten a hotel room near the bar. After a great evening, and far too many drinks, we head back and change for bed. I think we were all wearing a tee shirt and underwear - except my one friend had on a tee shirt and thong... and the tee shirt wasn't very long.
In the middle of the night, we awake to knocking on the door. We were a little confused, and one of the girls said "where is ***?"
She had gone to the bathroom, except confused the room door for the bathroom door. She was standing outside of the room (thong and all), trying to figure out what was going on. When I opened the door, she just said "this isn't the bathroom", and went back to bed.
*LMGDAO*0 -
really double post? unacceptable.0
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Love these
PANTERA! Dying 0 -
I have no fun drunk stories. I've never been so drunk I got disoriented... And apparently my friends are boring, too. Haha.0
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Had friends visiting from out of town, staying with us. We had all gone out earlier and gotten pretty tanked, then decided to come home and get in the pool and drink some more. My friend finally calls it, and goes in to go to bed. Her hubby went in shortly after, leaving me and hubby still in the pool. I tell him I'm going in, he says he's right behind me.
I'm inside, changed, getting ready for bed and I hear this really loud *SPLASH*. Ok, wth? I wait a minute and I hear it again *SPLASH*. I come out of my room, met friend's hubby in the hall and he's like, what's he doing out there, cannon balls??
We go outside and hubby is standing with one foot on bottom of pool, one foot on the next step. He looks up and me and says, *I can't get out." Me: "what do you mean you can't get out" Him: *weaving and wobbling, says with a plea in his voice* "I can't get out of the pool. I tried twice and fell back in. Yea, so me and the friend haul his butt out of the pool b/c apparently he didn't have enough equilibrium left to even walk up the 4 steps to get out.0 -
On our honeymoon in Florida we both had a bit too much to drink and went out to smoke. My husband then said..."If you're going to get in the car, you better do it now!". I was like OK and so when we got in he informed me that we were gonna dine and ditch and we squeeled out of the lot only to park our rental car around the corner at our hotel. We thought we were so smart to dine and ditch at the restaurant a half block away from this sushi joint LOL. We are standing in the lobby drunk as shiii* and the japanese waiter taps me on the shoulder and informs me we will pay now or he will call the cops. My husband bolts over the pool fence (which makes me die laughing now cause he carries himself with so much respect 98% of the time and here he is bolting over a pool fence). Me not so clever, yet not holding our credit card was taken hostage at the restaurant untill he came back to get me with his tail between his legs and pay the damn bill. Best stupid non logical drunk night of our lives LOL0
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it was my best friends 21st birthday. i was already 21 so it really shouldn't have been that exciting for me...
well, i got drunker than she did, walked to the McDonald's drive-thru and fell asleep on a rock next to the speaker with my head against the menu. was picked up by the actual birthday girl and driven back to her house. i proceeded to walk out the front door and sleep in the yard where she could not get me to move. had i rolled down the hill i would have been hit by a car.
fast forward to three hours later... a knock at my best friends door where a nice young man is cradling me in his arms and asks her "is this yours...?"
apparently i had grown tired of sleeping on the lawn and walked into the neighbors house and passed out on his couch.0 -
I have much funnier ones than this, but this is shorter. I went to a party at a girls house I had just met that I really was interested in. She wasn't, but her parents house was HUGE and awesome and the party was well funded. I figured dignity was less important. After 4 or 5 games of beer pong which my team won thoroughly, we played guys who admittedly were amazing at it. I consider myself a pro, they were legends.
I did not handle the loss well and decided to challenge one of them (it was friendly, mind you) shot for shot on a jack daniels bottle they brought. I honestly can't remember who won, it may have been him or me doesn't matter. What I do remember is walking, err, stumbling into the house muttering about needing water and food. I was SO drunk and extremely naive to anything that impairs other than alcohol, by the way.
I find a giant plate of amazing looking brownies. (Yes I realize this sounds easy to discern, but I was so loaded I probably couldn't have told you they were brownies.) I ate one, then the entire. freaking. plate.
About 30 minutes later I am annoyed that the muscles in my body had no intentions of letting me move from the couch. Then the 4 diamonds on the wall started spinning with numbers in each side changing every few seconds. I tried for the first bit to figure out if they were a code, then I insisted to a random stranger that they were torturing me and that I could see them even with my eyes closed. I was informed by somebody who had no face that I was now persona non grata because I ate some fine food they were saving. Whatever, I was being tortured by numbers with diamonds. I texted the friend I brought with me to rescue me. I walked outside and vomited. A lot. (Turns out, whatever I vomited killed all the plants in the mini-garden, including making them look like they were burned.)
Next morning at 11, I still felt like I was walking 4 feet above the ground and vowed to never be that naive again. Somebody recently told me to watch "Smiley Face." I did. It was not funny to me, merely familiar...0 -
So this one time, I wanted to bring the new year in with a bang! It was a pretty rough year for me and decided to spend New Years eve with my friends. I can't believe I'm sharing this story but what-ev. I was wasted yet I remember flashes here and there.
I got DRUNK. I got dropped off and I remember thinking I had to pee really really bad but I was going to wait until I got home. HA. So I get to my front door mat and decide to pee a little. I actually remember thinking this.. I can pee a little here and then go inside and pee more. I ended up peeing on my front mat. So then I'm disgusted and get the door open. I walk into the front bathroom and without undressing I get into the shower because my clothes were dirty. I then got dizzy and I grab onto the shower curtain and it comes down... I end up falling over on the toilet's tank- HARD. I broke the damn thing. I BROKE THE TOILET TANK. I remember cracking up as water is spraying everywhere. My ex starts knocking on the door while I'm cracking up. The bathroom floor is now under like an inch of water and I just remember laughing. I open the door say goodnight and go to bed in my wet clothes and zonk out.
Apparently he cleaned up the bathroom. Poor tank.0 -
I lived in an area where all the houses looked the same. One of my neighbors came home drunk to the wrong house, couldn't get in so he kept ringing the doorbell. I opened the door and asked Jeff what the heck he was doing. He stumbled past me, said something about the "new" furniture and passed out on my couch. I had to go 2 houses down and get his wife. It took her my husband and myself to drag his but home!! I did however make him was my truck every weekend for a month!!
Lol thats hilarious!0 -
We used to invite our friends over after the club for more drinking and music... woke up one morning to find someone had taken a dump in the shower of my spare restroom. NOT COOL!
Even worse was having to clean that $h!t up!
To this day none of my friends will fess up as to who did it, needless to say.. we stopped inviting people to come over for after parties. LOL
Totally reminds me of when my sister in law, not admitting it at the time, peed in our clean laundry basket right in front of our bed... Seriously did not know she was that drunk lol. But man did our room smell funky in the morning... yuck!!!0 -
my pants fell down while talking to a group of guys outside a resturant at 2 in the morning (the only 24hour resturant in town; with a full parking lot--no idea who else saw, but i was wearing thong undies that were a couple sizes too small (and i weighed 325lbs, not a pretty site) and were lace but getting holy cuz i shouldve thrown them away). after pulling up my pants, i wondered down the highway maybe 100feet, passed out in the shrubs outside the gas station next door in the bark dust, my friend got me up... i had learned while i was passed out that the guy i was madly in love with (who didnt feel the same) had walked home, so i was pissed off that he didnt go home with me, started walking towards his house... where i came across a corporate owned business, and while on the phone with the girl who rescued me out of the shrubs, i picked up a big rock and threw it at the store front window screaming about corporate america and screw the government, etc, luckily the window didnt break. i stubbled down this alley way next to the store to explore, and when i came back out a cop was driving by, who then pulled over cuz i came out of the alley way.. they asked for my id, asked if i had been drinking, asking why i was in the alley way (and i didnt remember) they then asked if i came from the bar next door, where i said yea.. they let me go... i ended up outside the guys house, crying cuz he didnt have a phone and i didnt wanna wake his parents, he ended up coming out, and i somehow left there happy and on the way home i skipped most of the way, found a scarecrow in someones yard (it was near halloween), and skipped the rest of the way home with the scarecrow in hand singing the yellow brick road song on the top of my lungs, put the scarecrow to bed on the hood of my roommates car, and went to bed. when the cops pulled me over, i didnt zip my purse back up, lost my wallet somewhere along the yellow brick road with all my rent money, ss card, id, etc...0
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Love these
PANTERA! Dying
Ummm I guess I should mention this was two years ago......I am an adult you know ;p LOL0 -
College Dorms...
Waking up to the RA knocking on my door. I crawled out of my closet where I apparently passed out
RA- "Was there a problem last night?"
Me- "Not that I'm aware of why?"
RA- "Because there is an exploded aquafresh tube in the bathroom down the hall and the entire bathroom is covered in toothpaste
."
Me- "Wasn't me."
RA- "Really?" <Points to the carpet where there are very distinct footprints made in toothpaste from the bathroom, all the way down the hallway and into my room>
My roomate says I was trying to brush my teeth and was *****ing that my toothpaste tube was broken . (new tube, but I hadn't taken the top off, and the bottom blew out all over the place)
That's about the only one I can share on an open forum.0 -
I've loved reading these...
and I gotta say I don't remember enough of drunken times to tell stories.
Except this summer after comic con drinking rum back at my friends' hotel room and somehow losing my bf, while looking for someone else, and going floor to floor looking for him - stealing 'do not disturb' signs all the way. We found my bf back at his car, too drunk to do much but get sick and be argumentative. It went way too downhill from there to want to type that out.
Before that point was hilarious, tho.0 -
The hubs and I were in the Bahamas and went out with a few couples we met. Well he discovered SoCo and lime shots at a bar we went to and aparently he could not get enough of them. Before I knew it, he was introducing himself to everyone stating his name and making sure they all knew that he was "kind of a big deal". So I'm sitting there, minding my own business when I see him up at the DJ stand pleading with the guy. All of the sudden "the Cuban Shuffle" starts playing and he gets EVERYONE in the bar to do the Cuban Shuffle with him. It was hilarious but he was a mess in the morning. :laugh:
Needless to say, we got a lot of invites out for the remainder of our time there.0 -
Went out on the town, had too much to drink (prerequisite to having story like this). Taxi home and got out about 10 yards from my house. Next thing I remember is waking up in somebody's front garden about 400 yards further down the hill. I didn't wake up naturally actually, I was prodded awake by the police and given a nice free lift back to my house. Minus my mobile phone too, still to this day don't know where that ended up. No idea why i chose that garden instead of my house.0
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bump for later-want to read these and add one!0
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In the first year of our marriage my husband would go out on Friday nights with the partners from his firm and proceed to get tanked on Guinness as they paid the tab downtown. He felt that the 1 hour train ride home was enough to sober him up after 8-10 Guinness. One Friday night he came home and said let's go to bed. So we went into our bedroom and he proceed to fall asleep while I watched tv. I finally conked out at some time around midnight. I woke up around 3 a.m. needing to use the restroom so got up and did my business. As I came back into our bedroom I noticed my husband was not in bed. I called his name and looked on the side of the bed thinking he'd fallen off. NOPE. I go out the other door (we had an attached bath) and see if he went into the other bedroom or the rest of our apartment. NOPE! At this point I'm kind of freakin' out as he's NOWHERE to be found in the apartment. I go back into our bedroom and noticed that the sliding doors to our walk in closet are ajar. I go to the closet and open it up to see him NAKED leaning against the shelf. I ask him what he's doing and he says "NOTHING" and then goes back to bed. Suspicious of what was really going on I turn on the light and notice that the floor is all wet as is the pile of clothes waiting to be taken to the dry cleaners. I look up at the light and notice condensation around it. Mind you I'm 1/2 awake at this point. I tell him I think the upstairs apartment bathroom is leaking and I'm calling the maintenance number. I proceed to call and tell them what I think is going on. As I get off the phone my husband tells me to call them back and tell them I was wrong. I'm like NO, why should I do that? He then admits he was urinating in the closet. So I told him I wasn't going to call back maintenance, he would have to. So, he called them and said something to them so they wouldn't come out and disturb our neighbor. He then looks at our puppy and says to her "Daddy acted like a baby Sheltie tonight Harley, he's in the doghouse with Momma!" Needless to say, I made him clean it all up and take in the pee pee clothes to the cleaner! To this day he's not allowed to have more than 2 Guinness as he acts like an A** everytime he drinks a lot of it!0
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Ohhhh too many to list!
But heres a gem from 10 years ago! me and some friends were out on Rush st in CHicago hitting thebars etc.........Anyways I was RIPPED! man oh man Rip city! hahahahha
Well we end up in this pizza joint (small pizza by the slice stand) thats right in the middle of all these bars, clubs etc....its about 2:30 am and Im starving!!!
Theres a line for the pizza slices all the way out the door(damn drunks).....AND now I gotta PEE!!!
My friends huddle around me as we are in line at the door at this point and I whip out my"big brown meat love hammer" and pee pee in the thrash can!
We got our slices and booked!0
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