Dear Mom...

My dad was going to book a "once in a lifetime" holiday to Australia for him and my mom. He wasn't going to tell her about it at first, as we knew what she'd say. Eventually, he cracked and told her his plans. Apparently, my mother said that is the closest she's ever come to considering divorcing him! And her reasons for not wanting to go? "Look at me, I'm too fat, can you imagine me in a hot country around all those women in little bikinis....and then having to see Sue after so many years looking like this? Its my idea of hell". However, my mom has been "fat and unhappy" since I was a child (I'm 26 now). She has had a few half hearted attempts at weight watchers - but never stuck at them. I tried everything - bought her portion control pots, showed her diet books, talked about what I do at the gym, made helpful suggestions, gave advice......nothing. Shes still a size 26. I've cracked. I've had enough, I can't keep doing the "softly softly" approach and seeing her make her health worse (blood sugar issues, heart problems, chest pains, cholestoral, breathlessness) and not taking action. I've written her a heartfelt email and wanted to see whether other MFP people think it is okay, and any tips for helping. I can't go with the "she'l do it when she's ready" - she's 56 - she doesn't have years and years and years to think about changing - if she doesnt change now, chances are she'll have a heart attack before she reaches 60.

Mom

I feel the need to write to you to explain my feelings and concerns. I know I am not alone in thinking these things, but as your daughter, you need to hear the truth from me. First of all I want you to know everything I am going to say is said with the utmost love and respect, and with a deep concern for your happiness. I am really sad that you feel you have to turn down such a "once in a lifetime" opportunity such as the Austrailia trip, because of your concerns about your health/weight. I think you have every right to be concerned, but these concerns are surmountable, with the right attitude and support. I would hate you to get to later in your life and have regrets. I know I would if that was me. Having a long term goal, or end point in sight, is a great motivator and can spur you on.

You've been unhappy with your weight since I can remember, even as a child I was aware of it. How long will it continue this way? I know you want things to change, I know you do so much. There has to be a time when thoughts turn to actions, and you work towards achieving your goals. I know you have worries and fears, but I'm sure these can be allayed. I want to help you to lose weight, but I want you to want to as well. There is no reason why you cannot achieve your goal (or at least part) of it in the next 12 months. One of my favourite sayings, which I use at work with clients is "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got" which is very very true in my opinion. Unless you do something to break the cycle, every day will be the same (or worse) than the previous one and you will always feel unhappy and stuck in a rut. I am 100% willing to do whatever you need, or whatever you think it would take to achieve this. If you need me to come home 3 evenings a week to workout with you, and talk things over, I will. If you want me to come to meetings with you, I will. But you need to tell me what you need. I don't know whether I sort of validated it, by buying you the bigger clothes sizes and trying to get you nice outfits, I know it wasn't what you wanted but I did it to cheer you up. The deal should now be I'll buy you a brand new outfit when you get down to a size 20 - which I know you could do.

On a serious note, I am concerned for your health, and so are the rest of the family. I would like to think that any grandchildren I may have will be able to have a very long relationship with you, and I worry that unless you do something about your health this might not be as long as I want. I know not everything is in your control, but so many things are linked, that by addressing one thing, it can improve another area.

It has to be a complete lifestyle change: you need to reinvent yourself. It's a big thing, but you need to see yourself as the person you want to be. It has to become engrained in your routine, your thoughts and therefore, your behaviours. You say that I am nice and slim: this is because I watch what I eat (portion sizes and calories) and I plan my week so that I fit in my workouts - if I'm going out for a meal on the weekend, I will make sure I go to the gym in the day. It's a pain at first, but now I feel worse when I don't go because it feels unnatural! I'm not saying you have to dive in and run a marathon, but you need to set aside 30 mins a day to do some form of gentle exercise to build up your stamina - just taking a slow walk to the end of the road, or aqua aerobics, or an exercise video. I know you get out of breath but trust me, things improve very quickly. With Tash at home to help with cooking, it just needs to become part of your evening routine. Priorities need to shift: you're a good teacher and with 25 years of experience, I'm sure you can find ways to get around this and manage your time to fit in with your goals. Other things which really helped me (and that any keyworker, health trainer etc. will tell you) is keeping a diary. There are so many options available - you just need to decide on a few that you're going to try and give it a shot for a couple months. Sometimes it's trial and error - one thing isn't great, so you move to another possible solution.

As I said before, I will help you in any way I can, but the change has to come from you. No-one else can do it for you. If you are unhappy with the status quo, then take action and make things better! You will have everyone's support as well, so its not something you have to do alone.

I really hope that you will have a good think about this. Please tell me where we go from here, because I feel things have reached a tipping point.

I will leave you with a final thought.

"Talking much and doing nothing is like climbing a tree to catch a fish"- Chinese Proverb



With much much love



xxxx