Dear Mom...
Replies
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Hi,
You can take this advice if you want to. But i think from your previous responses you already made your mind up and were looking for validation that you made the right decision.
I personally don't think though that sending that letter is the right thing to do.
Your job is to be her daughter who loves and cares for her regardless. And that is regardless of of whether she spends the rest of her life morbidly obese. It sounds like she is well aware that she is overweight. It also sounds like she is going through a very bad time with her self esteem. And thus if you send her that letter you will actually make things worse i suspect as she is clearly very fragile at the moment. It sounds like she really isn't thinking very clearly at the moment, and i don't really think you are either. You are applying too much from your job to this situation. If you stop being her daughter to be her 'drug councillor' then she won't have a daughter left - and those roles are very different.
I think if you want to do something then work on things that will build up her self esteem. Perhaps talk more to your father about this. He might not be aware about the criticalness of the situation. He needs to give her more compliments about things, anything in general. If she feels like she has succeeded in something then she may start considering getting healthy with more seriousness as she may feel empowered to do so.
By the way people aren't all beautiful and thin in Australia (i'm Australian). Perhaps if she avoided the beaches she'd feel more comfortable? But maybe she just isn't really.
I also think if she does make any actual steps toward getting a divorce then your father (who i hope would not want one and would push himself towards stopping it... it seems to me that is more his job than yours) really should suggest that they get some couples counselling.
I think most of these issues you discuss are psychological, not actually physical. So hopefully whatever councillor they got would be able to work though these issues and help your mother with her self esteem too.
Anyway, take my advice, or leave it. I feel sorry that you feel like you are in such a difficult situation. I
Good luck.0 -
As someone who had her family tell her for 17 years how unhealthy she was and how it would be better to do this and that, this letter would be totally ineffective. She's heard it all before. She knows.
After 17 years it wasn't my parents or grandparents making a comment that got me started on this. It was me sitting at home crying over how much I hated my life that made me change.
A letter like this would have sent me to the fridge.0 -
It's sad that your Mum doesn't realise not only her weight and way of life is affecting everyone but the way she's goes about it. If she want's to change she'll have to find to motivation to, or else stop complaining about her weight. I'd personally go on holidays without her. Her weight and issues associated should not be a burden to anyone but herself if she wants to continue being like that...
Yes, maybe I'm being harsh and a b*tch. But I've had to deal with so much mother bulls*it and it's just not fair. Maybe just let her know that by her being unhappy it's affecting everyone. If she wants to stay home sulking about being fat then let her. She has the choice.0 -
How about changing the "final thought" to:
"and besides, on average Australians are as fat as Americans, so get over your delusions of skinny Aussies! You'll fit right in!"0 -
I sent you a personal note0
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I think this is beautifully written and I am happy to see that you are not willing to sit back and watch your mother slowly kill herself. Having your opinion in writing, for her to read over and over until it really sinks in is the best thing your mother can have. You are doing everything you can to save your mom's life. I wish you both the best of luck!0
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Your letter is well-written, and I think only you know your mom well enough to know whether you should send it to her or not. However, and I think someone else recommended this too, I would hand-write it and give it to her personally. Be sure to emphasize that you will be there for her no matter what she decides to do. Also, be sure to say numerous times how much you love her. She'll need the reminder as she reads your letter.
I know several people have said you shouldn't send it because she has to decide for herself. But my feeling is this: what she's doing is not really any different from what a drug addict does. If I had a family member abusing drugs, I wouldn't be able to just stand by and let them continue that dangerous path. I'd have to say something. That's what interventions are. Your letter is an attempt at an intervention with your mom.
I don't know you or your mom, but it seems that you definitely are concerned about her. Ultimately, only you can decide whether to send the letter or not because you're the one who will have to live with the results, whether good or bad.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!0 -
you're responsible for you.
she's responsible for her.
This is true: no matter how much you love them, no matter how badly you want it for them, no matter how deadly the consequences, you cannot change another person's behavior. They will only change when and if they decide it for themselves.
Through your job you ought to know that better than most.
If you need to send the letter so you can tell yourself, "I tried everything", then go ahead. But I think the likelihood of it creating the outcome you're hoping for is slim to none. Extrinsic motivation is the weakest form.
Best wishes0 -
As a mother (and grandmother), and a believer that sometimes we need "tough love" with those that we love and cherish, I think that your letter is appropriate.
But I think that if you print it in a nice stationary it would be more personal than an e-mail. Maybe you can also put in the envelope a nice picture of both of you together, something that you cherish and that could help your mother to understand your love and care.
If your mother feel hurts, it is her problem, not yours. You will feel at peace knowing that you did everything that you could to guide her in right direction. Yes, she is your mother, but she also behaving a little bit like a selfish child.
I buried my mother when I was 19 years old because she refused to admit that she was having stomach problems for a long time. I wish I had been older and with more guts and experience to come to her help earlier, before she succumbed to stomach cancer.
I wish you strength and I wish your mother wisdom.0 -
you're responsible for you.
she's responsible for her.
This is true: no matter how much you love them, no matter how badly you want it for them, no matter how deadly the consequences, you cannot change another person's behavior. They will only change when and if they decide it for themselves.
Through your job you ought to know that better than most.
If you need to send the letter so you can tell yourself, "I tried everything", then go ahead. But I think the likelihood of it creating the outcome you're hoping for is slim to none. Extrinsic motivation is the weakest form.
Best wishes
This.
I would just archive that letter. At least you got it out of your system. Just invite your mom for a (relaxing) walk with you from time to time, and accept that *she* has accepted this as her life/self. My mother has done the same thing. She is a human being stuck in her own body and inside of a box she created. It kills me to know that she had the life she had before and that this is the only way she knows to feel safe. That said, you don't know what motivates your mom to stay this way. Try getting to know her and understanding her. Your mother's been overweight since childhood. There's a very strong chance she, like my mother, experienced some kind of trauma growing up. Sometimes people never get over it. Life's not much like the movies. It's nice that you want to help her, and I can tell that you mean well. I'd focus my attention a little deeper, though.0 -
I'm not a mom, but if I ever received a letter like this from ANYONE, I wouldn't speak to them again for a while, if ever again.
Your heart is in the right place, but it also seems a bit disrespectful because you don't accept her for who she is, and you don't respect the authority she has over herself.
What happens when you talk to her in person? I think a face to face conversation is a thousand times better than putting something like this in writing. It will give her a chance to respond and you should really listen to what she says.
It's amazing that she's so delusional about this trip to Australia. I would love to go just to see the place, but I would never dream of going to be seen. Perhaps she's a bit self centered in the idea that everyone would be looking at her, because I'm sure that no one looks at her and thinks "gosh, that lady is so fat."
It sounds like the trip to Australia was something between your dad and your mom. Were you even invited along? If so, ask your dad if you can go with him. If not, then let it go and let your parents discuss it amongst themselves. It's not your place.0 -
I think you're a great daughter. It's true that she won't change until she's ready, but sometimes, just finding out that our actions are hurting those we love is the impetus we need to stir into action. Maybe she's never considered how painful it is for her family to have to sit silently by and watch her slowly kill herself. I think it's worth a shot.
On a personal note, I wish I'd had the courage to have this conversation with my own mother 25 years ago. If I'd just grabbed her by the back of the neck and said, "Quit smoking now before you DIE of CANCER" she might still be alive today. Best of luck to you and your mom.0 -
One thing she needs to do is have a doctor check her out before hand (like they do on the biggest loser) get a full blood and body work up and see where she stands, if shes serious about it this is the best thing to do first off to be sure a doctor will be there to help anyway they can and make sure shes eating healthy and tracking everything she does and she needs to track it as well that way if something isn't working right they can try something else, start small then work your way to bigger goals is what i always say
All the best to you guys!!0 -
But (playing devil's advocate), if I was a mother and got a letter like that, while at first I'd probably bawl my eyes out, I'd come tot eh realization that what I'm doing is hurting more people than just me and if I really love my family I'd take care of myself. I'd also like to think I'd have more respect and admiration for the person having the courage to tell me like it is, otherwise I'd just keep lying to myself or coming up with other excuses and never doing anything.As a mother, I have to say if I got a letter like that, I would be completely gutted.
Ultimately, only you know your mom best and how she would react. Go with what you know and do so courageously. Good luck!
Exactly this ^^
Your mom sounds really depressed.... it sounds like a very frustrating situation.
Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
I would encourage your dad to take the trip on his own. Just because your mom has put her life on hold does not mean he should. As for the letter to your mom, do what you need to do for you. She will and is living her own life.0
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email sucks. take her out for coffee or a smoothie or something and talk to her directly. this seems much too personal to handle in cyber world. good luck to you!0
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Hey, just want to say what a heart felt and beautifully wrote letter. I dont know your Mum so i cant say whether you should send it or not, i wouldnt know how she will react, you do. Trust your instincts. But there is something i picked up on... You make a few reference's to the family as a whole within the letter, if i personally recieved it with that in, i would feel ganged up on and as if there was wispers behind my back. My own advice to you would be to alter those small peices so its a personal letter from only you, with only your opinions. Perhaps then talk to mum and when she can see your genuine concern mention others fears...
p.s its not quite the same, but my own mum was always a size 16/18 since my childhood, last years she had enough and dieted. She's now a size 10 and looks wonderful. ow and she's 56!0 -
I understand entirely your feelings, I am in the same situation. But nothing you can do or say is going to change her.
She sounds like she is suffereing depression and she will not be able to see things the same as you. For you to make things sounds so easy to lose weight will be an insult to her and make her feel worse. She will already be beating herself up daily for the way she is and then learning how she has made you feel will just compound her feelings. It may also drive her to food.
There is no answer to this, but as everyone else has said, it is her choice, she is an adult and you are not responsible for her.
You should never give up on her and I like the bit about offering support and it's a shame that she is missing out on things - but think the letter will do more harm than good.
Lets hope that one day she will realise for herself.
I feel for you x0 -
I'm sure you mean well, but do you think it will help at all? People have to want to change for themselves before they'll listen to anything someone else has to say.
i agree.
i have exactly the same situation with my mum. She is 61, riddled with deseases that are made worse by her weight and could drop down dead at any second. This was all made worse when my dad died 2 years ago - comfort eating saw her put on even more weight. My sister and i have tried time and time again to help her, and support her on a diet, we tried getting mad, bribing her with holidays if she lost x amount of pounds etc etc
at the moment she is losing weight, the only reason for this is that i am getting married next year and she is horrified by the idea of pictures. Having said that, she still isnt losing consistantly, a pound here and there, and she has admitted herself that if it wasnt for the wedding she would not be doing it in the first place...
Unfortunately your mum will only lose weight if she wants to for herself. i think you should send her the email, because of course you want to help. but at some point you have to realise that you have done all you can, and it is up to her, she is an adult and she makes her own choices. x0 -
Forgive me, I know its a thin line, but I'm not trying to insult you.
She's had similar conversations with you in the past when she wanted to make changes with things.
Did they work? ^^^ "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got" which is very very true in my opinion. Unless you do something to break the cycle, every day will be the same (or worse) than the previous one and you will always feel unhappy "
I think you probably do a wonderful job at work. This is not work, this is your home and your family. Your Dad can protect himself and his marriage. Your Mom & Dad need vast quantities of the same unconditional LOVE they gave you in return."If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got" which is very very true in my opinion. Unless you do something to break the cycle, every day will be the same (or worse) than the previous one and you will always feel unhappy
" - theres nothing really in there that I haven't said to her face to face at one time to another -
but the fact she said she considering divorcing my dad because she didn't want to go on holiday "fat" was just the icing on the cake.0 -
As a mother, I have to say if I got a letter like that, I would be completely gutted.
I agree with this person. From your moms stand point she may be the type of person that is happiest being miserable because it's comfortable. She will change when she's ready, and the sad part is that no matter what you say she wont change till she's ready. Just love her in the mean time. The best motivator is for you to live healthy as an example for her.0 -
Like the others have said, only you know the relationship that you and your mother have and how she would respond to the letter.
With that being said, I have said those exact things to my own mom over and over, but in my head. We've talked about each point individually, and she knows that if she would drop even 50 pounds her health would improve. My dad has tried, I have tried, my brother has tried, but until she is ready, there is nothing. I fear now that at 64 years old, her health is too big of a factor and that there is irreversible damage done. She is my biggest inspiration on my diet & exercise journey as I am scared to be so unhealthy and unhappy. She yo-yo'ed with weight all of her life. The last time that she was under 200 pounds (granted, she is 5'8"), was 21 years ago.
My dad told her several years ago that if she would lose 25 pounds, he'd buy them a motorcycle/scooter and they could go on trips together, but she refused. The number was just too big. Now, she is overweight & unhappy & has a tendency to make everyone else unhappy with bitter comments.
I wish you the best in your decision on this letter and I would love to know what your decision is on the letter & how she responded.0 -
Oh my gosh!!! You have a wonderful daughter who loves you enough to risk your displeasure to save you from disaster! You are so fortunate! And a husband who loves you enough to plan a international vacation for you! What do you have to lose, but something that is weighing you down. I invite you to join us at MY FITNESS PAL! We will encourage you, help you out, teach you how to use the website, soothe you when you stumble, and I will even pray for you. If you decide to join us at MFP, please look me up and we can connect. I am "Slimntrim90"..............not really yet, but I have flushed over 25 lbs. of me down the toilet. It hasn't been a fast process, and I have taken many advil so that I could walk up hills without my legs killing me. I have become addicted to the endorphins which the brain produces when I exercise (feel-good hormones)! I thought I would die when I first started working out by walking--I didn't! I went from walking around the block to walking around the lake, to walking around it 3-4-5 times, to walking 3 1/2 miles, to walking 6 miles..................Every journey starts with the first step! You can do it! And you will be so glad you did! Feel free to contact me............I'm friendly! :-)0
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The one thing that comes from your letter is that you love your Mum. As a Mum of 3 girls if one sent me an email like this I would at first have a good cry and then probably get angry but... and this is the crux I would do something about the problem because it would make me realise that I am loved and not alone an that would give me strength to tackle the problem. Most of the time losing weight is a very isolating thing and that is why so many of us fail. Also, being close to your Mum's age I do think that we women can think "oh what's the point, I've had my day". Not true but it is an easy thought to hook up to. Send it what's the worst that can happen?0
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Coming from a person who is climbing down that ladder...started @ 361 on June 28 of this year (see my results in my ticker). I think that this letter would be a huge wake up call. I'm surprised my family didn't do it for me. Now that I have lost, my family is expressing their past concerns. My aunt told me "This is an answer to my prayers, I was so worried about your health." My mom said, "I dont think I would have been able to raise your daughter for you if something happened."
With those comments, meant to be encouraging, they broke me down. BUT I have to decide whether I let that keep me down or build me back up. Send this to your mom. If she hates you and stays that way, so be it. If she changes, you will have your mom a lot longer!0 -
I think the letter to your Mom is fantastic, it shows you really love her and want to help her. She just has to start and take one day at a time. You are a good daughter Although this letter was for your Mom, I have to tell you it helped me see things in my life that I need to change. I am 58 and have to start back up with exercise. I first started by coming to MFP because my sister advised me to do this so that I can keep track of my eating and exercise. My needs are not weight loss, but weight gain. This is a good site to track your food, and exercise. All of us are here to get healthier, whether it is weight loss or weight gain, we are all heading toward a goal of good health. I am so glad I read your letter to your Mom, it was eye opening for me and my needs. I do hope your Mom will read the letter and take her first steps toward being healthy. If all daughters cared as you do about their Mom, the world would be a better place. 0
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I think it is a great idea and a big gesture. If you're close with your mom, then she'll probably be both MORE offended and MORE likely to listen seriously to your concerns.
I wrote out a similar letter to my mom, who is quite overweight but doesn't have health issues--yet. But I still live at home (poor recent college graduate), so I realized that instead of writing a letter, I would just force things to happen, even if slowly. I plan healthier meals for the week, help with cooking, go food shopping with her, and make her take walks with me when the weather is nice.
Of course everyone is saying the decision to change can only come from herself-- but sometimes it takes an external catalyst to help someone make better decisions, like seeing a photo of themselves, watching others around them become healthy through diet and exercise or life-threateningly unhealthy through lack of those things, or reading a heartfelt letter from a loved one.
The only thing I'd recommed changing is to NOT DO IT BY E-MAIL. Send it postal mail with a cover letter telling her to read it comfortably and privately, because you love her and want her to know your words are serious. E-mails can be too surprising, too unexpected, and too easy to delete and never looks at again. Having a letter on a piece of paper is a tactile piece of motivation. I think that would help greatly.
Best of luck, it takes courage to say those things.0
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