venting about my ed, move along unless you are open minded.
cmonskinnylovee
Posts: 339
When I was thirteen, I was 5'6 and weighed 110 lbs. I was naturally this way- the kind of girl who could eat three big macs, a large fry and wake up the next day smaller and hungrier.
I was convinced that my body would stay like that forever, and that i was blessed.
but when I entered high school obvious changes began to happen. I am a girl after all, and it was bound to happen.
But what I did not expect was to be betrayed by own body, to wake up one morning to oozing, bubbling disgusting fat hanging from me like a parasite.
I used to stand in front of the mirror and cry until my head pounded, wishing to be the elegant, angelic thing I used to.
Then one day in my health class, my teacher mentioned anorexia. She said that it was when people ate far under their healthy recommended caloric intake, and starved themselves.
A lightbulb flashed.
She told us how dangerous it was.
Finally- a way out.
She told us how it ruined peoples lives.
I began to plan how to hide my food.
She told us that once you have this disorder, it never leaves you.
I didn't want it to.
That was the turning point. The one moment amongst all of the thousands in my life that I wish i could go back and tell myself "No! Don't do that to yourself! You don't understand!"
and now it haunts me. Ana is a like a vengeful ghost that not even the strongest sulfur can keep away.
At the time I didn't realize the repercussions. I didn't know four years from that moment I would still be suffering endlessly, drowning in a wave of caloriesinchespoudsoffatandwasteofspaceand...
I didn't know that in that moment of weakness, I opened a door to a thousand more substantially more painful ones.
I will never be rid of this.
I was convinced that my body would stay like that forever, and that i was blessed.
but when I entered high school obvious changes began to happen. I am a girl after all, and it was bound to happen.
But what I did not expect was to be betrayed by own body, to wake up one morning to oozing, bubbling disgusting fat hanging from me like a parasite.
I used to stand in front of the mirror and cry until my head pounded, wishing to be the elegant, angelic thing I used to.
Then one day in my health class, my teacher mentioned anorexia. She said that it was when people ate far under their healthy recommended caloric intake, and starved themselves.
A lightbulb flashed.
She told us how dangerous it was.
Finally- a way out.
She told us how it ruined peoples lives.
I began to plan how to hide my food.
She told us that once you have this disorder, it never leaves you.
I didn't want it to.
That was the turning point. The one moment amongst all of the thousands in my life that I wish i could go back and tell myself "No! Don't do that to yourself! You don't understand!"
and now it haunts me. Ana is a like a vengeful ghost that not even the strongest sulfur can keep away.
At the time I didn't realize the repercussions. I didn't know four years from that moment I would still be suffering endlessly, drowning in a wave of caloriesinchespoudsoffatandwasteofspaceand...
I didn't know that in that moment of weakness, I opened a door to a thousand more substantially more painful ones.
I will never be rid of this.
0
Replies
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Unfortunately you now need the help of a professional. There has to be someone you can contact at school, church, whatever.
Best of luck.0 -
Wow, that was incredible to read, and thank you so much for sharing. I know you are strong enough to get through this.
Have you thought about using the blogs here to write more about your thoughts with this disease?0 -
Unfortunately you now need the help of a professional. There has to be someone you can contact at school, church, whatever.
Best of luck.
If you think that treatment ever works on someone with an eating disorder, I wish I was as naive (on this subject) as you.
I've been treated, many many times,0 -
First you should edit your topic as [Triggering] next time. There are a lot of recovery individuals on this site.
Secondly there are people that are here to support you, whether it be support to slowly increase calorie intake, or motivate you not to go off your diary or motivate you just to stay healthy in general.
However! Professional help is there for you! They work with hundreds of women and men on their road to recovery and they can help you too.0 -
Those are some powerful words, and while you might never be fully "cured," you're stronger than you think. Just being aware that it's a problem and wanting to fight it is the biggest hurdle, and I'm proud of you. :flowerforyou:0
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First you should edit your topic as [Triggering] next time. There are a lot of recovery individuals on this site.
Secondly there are people that are here to support you, whether it be support to slowly increase calorie intake, or motivate you not to go off your diary or motivate you just to stay healthy in general.
However! Professional help is there for you! They work with hundreds of women and men on there road to recovery and they can help you too.
I agree. I find posts like this especially triggering. I've dealt with this for a few years now. However, I've sought help...Trust me, recovery is absolutely possible...you just have to really (and I mean REALLY) want it. Stay strong friend! I'm here if you need me.0 -
First you should edit your topic as [Triggering] next time. There are a lot of recovery individuals on this site.
Secondly there are people that are here to support you, whether it be support to slowly increase calorie intake, or motivate you not to go off your diary or motivate you just to stay healthy in general.
However! Professional help is there for you! They work with hundreds of women and men on their road to recovery and they can help you too.
I figured the word "Ed" in the title would be enough to let people know that obviously, it is about an eating disorder
but I'll remember that for next time...0 -
Thanks for sharing this. I think sometimes owning our own "stuff" publicly is one of the greatest steps we can take in recovery from anything. That said, I think that recovery is possible, but you need to dig deep into the issue that got you to where you were at your heaviest? Were you going to food for comfort, an escape, or something else entirely? People can talk to you until you are blue in the face about what you should and shouldn't be doing right now, but the help you need lies in your past! I hope that you can find peace in your life and get past this for your health!0
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I think your brave to write what is on your mind. You should blog down your thoughts.
u have a nice way of writing even if it is a little triggering. Anyway i have Mia so if u wud like to add me for some support ur more than welcome to. xxx 0 -
Thanks for sharing this. I think sometimes owning our own "stuff" publicly is one of the greatest steps we can take in recovery from anything. That said, I think that recovery is possible, but you need to dig deep into the issue that got you to where you were at your heaviest? Were you going to food for comfort, an escape, or something else entirely? People can talk to you until you are blue in the face about what you should and shouldn't be doing right now, but the help you need lies in your past! I hope that you can find peace in your life and get past this for your health!
Nothing got me at my heaviest, my metabolism simply slowed down whilst my eating habits did not.
I was actually my heaviest in one of my "recovery" times. I was 151 lbs at 5"7, which isn't heavy at all for most people. My frame is small, and fat sits strangely upon it.
I was only 120 lbs when I started these bad habits :P0 -
First you should edit your topic as [Triggering] next time. There are a lot of recovery individuals on this site.
Secondly there are people that are here to support you, whether it be support to slowly increase calorie intake, or motivate you not to go off your diary or motivate you just to stay healthy in general.
However! Professional help is there for you! They work with hundreds of women and men on their road to recovery and they can help you too.
I figured the word "Ed" in the title would be enough to let people know that obviously, it is about an eating disorder
but I'll remember that for next time...
That is understandable, I think if you use the forum search bar there are a couple of threads though about overcoming ED or struggling with ED (on the road to recovery)
Have you ever thought about contacting a nutritionist or psychologist that specializes in ED's? (or a combination of both). Whilst teachers are generally trained in those areas most of them never go on to learn the specifics of eating disorders or any other disorders. Infact I'd take a hunch that there are some teachers that were more interested in getting a degree than learning the in depth specifics. I'm not talking about school counselling either because once again, school counseller's are generally nonspecializing and unless they have a PhD in Psychology majoring in ED's/Sports Psychology they probably won't be able to help much in planning a recovery diet or even be able to help overcome the struggle with weight and food.
There are numbers of support groups out there and pro-recovery sites and support sites such as The Butterfly Foundation and medical practitioners ready and willing to help you! (They want to help you) so if you haven't please reach out to them even if you just want to vent to them. They will understand you far better than some individuals here, some individuals in your real life and maybe even understand you better than people closer to you.0 -
This is really haunting. Having always been on the opposite end of the spectrum -- I found this really powerfully evoking. Have you ever considered writing about the subject? I think there are a lot of people you could help -- while you work on helping yourself. Hang in there. You can and will make it.0
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First you should edit your topic as [Triggering] next time. There are a lot of recovery individuals on this site.
Secondly there are people that are here to support you, whether it be support to slowly increase calorie intake, or motivate you not to go off your diary or motivate you just to stay healthy in general.
However! Professional help is there for you! They work with hundreds of women and men on their road to recovery and they can help you too.
I figured the word "Ed" in the title would be enough to let people know that obviously, it is about an eating disorder
but I'll remember that for next time...
That is understandable, I think if you use the forum search bar there are a couple of threads though about overcoming ED or struggling with ED (on the road to recovery)
Have you ever thought about contacting a nutritionist or psychologist that specializes in ED's? (or a combination of both). Whilst teachers are generally trained in those areas most of them never go on to learn the specifics of eating disorders or any other disorders. Infact I'd take a hunch that there are some teachers that were more interested in getting a degree than learning the in depth specifics. I'm not talking about school counselling either because once again, school counseller's are generally nonspecializing and unless they have a PhD in Psychology majoring in ED's/Sports Psychology they probably won't be able to help much in planning a recovery diet or even be able to help overcome the struggle with weight and food.
There are numbers out there and pro-recovery sites and support sites such as The Butterfly Foundation and medical practitioners ready and willing to help you! (They want to help you) so if you haven't please reach out to them even if you just want to vent to them. They will understand you far better than some individuals here, some individuals in your real life and maybe even understand you better than people closer to you.
Thank you, but I've been in recovery three times. I've been lucky enough to never get so thin that my health was in danger, but I know if I don't stop now that it will happen.
I'm actually a psychology major, believe it or not. I want to help girls like me. Obviously i need to recover first, but I'm trying my best.0 -
This is really haunting. Having always been on the opposite end of the spectrum -- I found this really powerfully evoking. Have you ever considered writing about the subject? I think there are a lot of people you could help -- while you work on helping yourself. Hang in there. You can and will make it.
I am writing about this, actually! I am also a psychology major, and I want to get a job as an ED counselor.0 -
[
I'm actually a psychology major, believe it or not. I want to help girls like me. Obviously i need to recover first, but I'm trying my best.
Me too! It's my plan too!
I'm not sure how the college/university system works in America but....How far are you into your degree? I just finished my first year and can't wait to specialize some more. Its a real pain at my university because the human movement (so physical education and nutrition) is at another campus so I can't specialize until my fourth year ;_;0 -
[
I'm actually a psychology major, believe it or not. I want to help girls like me. Obviously i need to recover first, but I'm trying my best.
Me too! It's my plan too!
I'm not sure how the college/university system works in America but....How far are you into your degree? I just finished my first year and can't wait to specialize some more. Its a real pain at my university because the human movement (so physical education and nutrition) is at another campus so I can't specialize until my fourth year ;_;
I actually only finished my first semester... just in case where you live doesn't work on a semester basis, I finished half of my first year. I am only 18
I wish I was out already. 0 -
When you finish it -- I would love to read it. You are very talented. I can be reached through my blog: www.thebookwormslibrary.com. Hang in there. You are on the right road.0
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[
I'm actually a psychology major, believe it or not. I want to help girls like me. Obviously i need to recover first, but I'm trying my best.
Me too! It's my plan too!
I'm not sure how the college/university system works in America but....How far are you into your degree? I just finished my first year and can't wait to specialize some more. Its a real pain at my university because the human movement (so physical education and nutrition) is at another campus so I can't specialize until my fourth year ;_;
I actually only finished my first semester... just in case where you live doesn't work on a semester basis, I finished half of my first year. I am only 18 I wish I was out already.
Yeh I'm on semester basis too. I took a gap year but I wish I didn't, so now I'm technically a year behind. I agree >.> Psychology is such a long degree and insanely competitive too I wish it was a tiny bit faster ;p0 -
When you finish it -- I would love to read it. You are very talented. I can be reached through my blog: www.thebookwormslibrary.com. Hang in there. You are on the right road.
will do 0 -
don't say its impossible, u just have to believe treatment will work and try everything out there, join support groups, hold urself accountable. i dont know anythingo n the topic of this particular ED but i think i was on the verge of another one and it took time but i got out of it. u have to believe in urself and take control dont let IT control u!0
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I find this powerful. Im sure thats no consolation to you though. Parts of what you wrote are how I feel about binge eating. I genuinely feel I will NEVER be rid of this. My profile pic is me in August, Ive now put back on 12 pounds approx, maybe 14 since that pic.
Even though we are on opposite ends of the scale, (almost literally...god that wasnt even meant to be a pun) I know the worries you have about health, I worry for my heart, etc also as Im allergic to gluten I worry about the affect my binges have on me. I know the feeling of total despair. This week was probably my lowest, where I felt I could almost accept that this would be my life forever. I could have actually slapped my mother for asking me to join some binge eaters support group. NOTHING will stop me craving food when a binge comes on me. I mean NOTHING. I wake up every morning, panicking for a split second to think about whether had I binged the day before. EVERY SINGLE DAY this is my first thought of the day, and has been for the past few years.
BUT NO!!! I wont accept that!! I will over come this. I believe that it is indeed something I will live with forever, similar to an alcoholic, but I will recover from it, and learn to control it and manage it. Im 29, and wish I had started to control it when I was your age. Im here online, trying to figure this eating disorder out, so youre not alone.
xxx0 -
"I've been treated, many many times, "
So...keep trying? I have been treated many times too (EDIT: For various issues, not anorexia). Sometimes it helps for a little, and sometimes it doesn't. Just having the hindsight to see that you should have never started down this path is growth. Every time you are treated, if you make it one day further, that's PROGRESS. You may have to be treated through adulthood, and you know what? THAT'S OKAY AS LONG AS YOU ARE HERE.
You soul deserves better, your heart deserves better physically AND mentally, and you are WORTH MORE THAN ANA.
Mistakes have been made, but you are NEVER a failure unless you stop trying. Sometimes we need breaks and we might have relapses to whatever demons haunt us, but DON'T YOU QUIT DAMMIT!
P.S. Ever read this?
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
(hugs)0 -
P.S. Ever read this?
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
(hugs)
Likey like 0 -
i can totally relate to you, and i think your really brave for posting this, im currently 'being treated' xxxxx0
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P.S. Ever read this?
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
(hugs)
Likey like
me too)) 0 -
Unfortunately you now need the help of a professional. There has to be someone you can contact at school, church, whatever.
Best of luck.
If you think that treatment ever works on someone with an eating disorder, I wish I was as naive (on this subject) as you.
I've been treated, many many times,
I was treated many times too. Some things worked, some didn't. But treatment does indeed work for many, many people with eating disorders. At the very least, see a therapist. You are not doomed to suffer your whole life and nor do you deserve to. I had a very similar experience when my eating disorder started- it was a conscious decision and i went at it full-force. I've FOUGHT my way back to the point where life is NOT about my ED. and it was and IS an absolute fight. Don't give up hope and please see a doctor to assess your physical state. You may be much sicker inside than you realize. I wish you all the best in beating this. It's the hardest, ****tiest thing you'll probably ever do but it will also be the most worthwhile thing you ever do. choose life- choose YOU.
MFP now edits "bad" words. it's the sh!tiest thing that you may do.0 -
Wow, that was incredible to read, and thank you so much for sharing. I know you are strong enough to get through this.
Have you thought about using the blogs here to write more about your thoughts with this disease?
I think journaling or blogging would be great, too. My OB/GYN office has a VERY private counselor who helps with things like this. She's awesomely open-minded, blunt, and kind. Maybe yours has someone?0 -
i think that while being completely "normal" (for lack of a better word) in eating habits and thoughts about foods is really hard after an ed. i've tried recovering a couple of times and currently am, but find it very easy to slip back into starving when i gain any weight or when im really stressed. I think that what really helps is to sit down and not think about what food makes you look like (try to stay away from correlating food with looks) and think about what it does for your organs. how it allows your body to function and how it repairs muscles and lets you do whatever it is that you enjoy. then remember how tired and lonely and unhappy and cold you felt during your ed. obviously this is WAY easier said than done, it helps (at least for me)
good luck and stay strong!xxx and feel free to add me but im still what normal people would call "too low cal" but im working on upping my intake gradually. but if i find you triggering i will remove you (just fyi)
good luck! 0 -
Sorry to hear about your ed. I feel it's good that you talk about it. It's probably a good step. I don't know anything about what you feel or know enough to give advice, but I did have a friend in high school who suffered from this. She liked someone who wasn't attracted to a bigger person. That is what started her problems. I just remember how she looked and how sad it was to see what was happening to her. Clumps of hair was falling out and just to see her walk around looked painful.
The good news is that she did get over her illness and is doing very well. We all have to have hope or we don't really have much. Maybe things won't get cured in a few times of getting help, but you never know which time it will work. We have to have faith that things will work out. Hugs to you! I wish you all the best! 0 -
Hello,
I became Bohemic and anorexic when I was 15 to stay on the Gymnastics team. It lasted till I was 18, after that I shot my metabolism.
I ended up gaining weight slowly till about 4 years ago when I lost some important people in my life and I just let go. I got as big as 283 lbs. Today I am 110 lbs lighter and I eat 2200 cals/day. I watch what I put in my mouth for amount of sugar per serving and saturated fat. I ended up beating with the help of my sweet and wonderful hubby who has loved me the same way no matter who big I got or how small I am now. He taught me to love my self no matter what size I was. He taught me to relax that things aren't worth the aggravation. He also taught me how to recognize the blessings in my life and enjoy them.
He didn't make it like a lesson, just by chatting with him and watching him I learned these wonderful things.
He is such a brilliant man, I love him so much!
One big thing I learned is that the era we live in is the most blessed era, we have access to foods from all over the world and they can be delivered too. We have access to luxuries that are fordable; 100 years ago only the wealthy could afford such things. Also this life style is not going to last much longer past us, so we should enjoy it. Our ancestors would roll twice in their graves if they knew that hot water was just a matter of turning the tap, and we could live in the beautiful USA and have authentic Sushi delivered to our home or office.
I would definitely advise you to get help and work on it. Because you are worth it!
good luck!0
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