venting about my ed, move along unless you are open minded.

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  • dreamtoned10
    dreamtoned10 Posts: 163 Member
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    I find this powerful. Im sure thats no consolation to you though. Parts of what you wrote are how I feel about binge eating. I genuinely feel I will NEVER be rid of this. My profile pic is me in August, Ive now put back on 12 pounds approx, maybe 14 since that pic.

    Even though we are on opposite ends of the scale, (almost literally...god that wasnt even meant to be a pun) I know the worries you have about health, I worry for my heart, etc also as Im allergic to gluten I worry about the affect my binges have on me. I know the feeling of total despair. This week was probably my lowest, where I felt I could almost accept that this would be my life forever. I could have actually slapped my mother for asking me to join some binge eaters support group. NOTHING will stop me craving food when a binge comes on me. I mean NOTHING. I wake up every morning, panicking for a split second to think about whether had I binged the day before. EVERY SINGLE DAY this is my first thought of the day, and has been for the past few years.

    BUT NO!!! I wont accept that!! I will over come this. I believe that it is indeed something I will live with forever, similar to an alcoholic, but I will recover from it, and learn to control it and manage it. Im 29, and wish I had started to control it when I was your age. Im here online, trying to figure this eating disorder out, so youre not alone.
    xxx
  • avarielle1215
    avarielle1215 Posts: 59 Member
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    "I've been treated, many many times, "

    So...keep trying? I have been treated many times too (EDIT: For various issues, not anorexia). Sometimes it helps for a little, and sometimes it doesn't. Just having the hindsight to see that you should have never started down this path is growth. Every time you are treated, if you make it one day further, that's PROGRESS. You may have to be treated through adulthood, and you know what? THAT'S OKAY AS LONG AS YOU ARE HERE.

    You soul deserves better, your heart deserves better physically AND mentally, and you are WORTH MORE THAN ANA.

    Mistakes have been made, but you are NEVER a failure unless you stop trying. Sometimes we need breaks and we might have relapses to whatever demons haunt us, but DON'T YOU QUIT DAMMIT!

    P.S. Ever read this?

    AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

    Chapter I
    I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

    Chapter II
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

    Chapter III
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

    Chapter IV
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

    Chapter V
    I walk down another street.


    (hugs)
  • dreamtoned10
    dreamtoned10 Posts: 163 Member
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    P.S. Ever read this?

    AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

    Chapter I
    I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

    Chapter II
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

    Chapter III
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

    Chapter IV
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

    Chapter V
    I walk down another street.


    (hugs)


    Likey like :)
  • pauperlunatic
    pauperlunatic Posts: 16
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    i can totally relate to you, and i think your really brave for posting this, im currently 'being treated' xxxxx
  • cmonskinnylovee
    cmonskinnylovee Posts: 339
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    P.S. Ever read this?

    AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

    Chapter I
    I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

    Chapter II
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

    Chapter III
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

    Chapter IV
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

    Chapter V
    I walk down another street.


    (hugs)


    Likey like :)

    me too :)))
  • sarahkatara
    sarahkatara Posts: 826 Member
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    Unfortunately you now need the help of a professional. There has to be someone you can contact at school, church, whatever.

    Best of luck.

    If you think that treatment ever works on someone with an eating disorder, I wish I was as naive (on this subject) as you.

    I've been treated, many many times,

    I was treated many times too. Some things worked, some didn't. But treatment does indeed work for many, many people with eating disorders. At the very least, see a therapist. You are not doomed to suffer your whole life and nor do you deserve to. I had a very similar experience when my eating disorder started- it was a conscious decision and i went at it full-force. I've FOUGHT my way back to the point where life is NOT about my ED. and it was and IS an absolute fight. Don't give up hope and please see a doctor to assess your physical state. You may be much sicker inside than you realize. I wish you all the best in beating this. It's the hardest, ****tiest thing you'll probably ever do but it will also be the most worthwhile thing you ever do. choose life- choose YOU.
    MFP now edits "bad" words. it's the sh!tiest thing that you may do.
  • jennajava
    jennajava Posts: 2,176 Member
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    Wow, that was incredible to read, and thank you so much for sharing. I know you are strong enough to get through this.

    Have you thought about using the blogs here to write more about your thoughts with this disease?

    I think journaling or blogging would be great, too. My OB/GYN office has a VERY private counselor who helps with things like this. She's awesomely open-minded, blunt, and kind. Maybe yours has someone?
  • PetitePerfection
    PetitePerfection Posts: 199 Member
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    i think that while being completely "normal" (for lack of a better word) in eating habits and thoughts about foods is really hard after an ed. i've tried recovering a couple of times and currently am, but find it very easy to slip back into starving when i gain any weight or when im really stressed. I think that what really helps is to sit down and not think about what food makes you look like (try to stay away from correlating food with looks) and think about what it does for your organs. how it allows your body to function and how it repairs muscles and lets you do whatever it is that you enjoy. then remember how tired and lonely and unhappy and cold you felt during your ed. obviously this is WAY easier said than done, it helps (at least for me)
    good luck and stay strong!xxx and feel free to add me but im still what normal people would call "too low cal" but im working on upping my intake gradually. but if i find you triggering i will remove you (just fyi)
    good luck!:smile:
  • Tangerine302
    Tangerine302 Posts: 1,509 Member
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    Sorry to hear about your ed. I feel it's good that you talk about it. It's probably a good step. I don't know anything about what you feel or know enough to give advice, but I did have a friend in high school who suffered from this. She liked someone who wasn't attracted to a bigger person. That is what started her problems. I just remember how she looked and how sad it was to see what was happening to her. Clumps of hair was falling out and just to see her walk around looked painful.
    The good news is that she did get over her illness and is doing very well. We all have to have hope or we don't really have much. Maybe things won't get cured in a few times of getting help, but you never know which time it will work. We have to have faith that things will work out. Hugs to you! I wish you all the best! :)
  • teagin2002
    teagin2002 Posts: 1,901 Member
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    Hello,

    I became Bohemic and anorexic when I was 15 to stay on the Gymnastics team. It lasted till I was 18, after that I shot my metabolism.
    I ended up gaining weight slowly till about 4 years ago when I lost some important people in my life and I just let go. I got as big as 283 lbs. Today I am 110 lbs lighter and I eat 2200 cals/day. I watch what I put in my mouth for amount of sugar per serving and saturated fat. I ended up beating with the help of my sweet and wonderful hubby who has loved me the same way no matter who big I got or how small I am now. He taught me to love my self no matter what size I was. He taught me to relax that things aren't worth the aggravation. He also taught me how to recognize the blessings in my life and enjoy them.
    He didn't make it like a lesson, just by chatting with him and watching him I learned these wonderful things.
    He is such a brilliant man, I love him so much!

    One big thing I learned is that the era we live in is the most blessed era, we have access to foods from all over the world and they can be delivered too. We have access to luxuries that are fordable; 100 years ago only the wealthy could afford such things. Also this life style is not going to last much longer past us, so we should enjoy it. Our ancestors would roll twice in their graves if they knew that hot water was just a matter of turning the tap, and we could live in the beautiful USA and have authentic Sushi delivered to our home or office.

    I would definitely advise you to get help and work on it. Because you are worth it!
    good luck!
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
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    Hi, Friend:

    I felt compelled to respond to your post as I have been through what you are going through. I can tell you that it is possible for this disease to leave you physically, but it doesn't leave you mentally. But, you have to remember that your mind can be stronger than this disease.
    I also learned about this disease in health class. However, I knew of it even before that. I started starving myself at 11 years old. I was anorexic for a very long time and then I learned to binge and purge.
    Everyone's recovery is different. I started working with a psychologist when I was 16 and he immediately referred me to a psychiatrist for anti-depressants. I stayed drugged and I hated that. I hated talking about what I was doing, hated having to share in the group, hated being in a hospital where an orderly had to sit with me to ensure that I ate my salad and hated having some woman go into bathroom with me to be sure that I did not vomit. My lowest weight was 53 pounds. I was 70 pounds when I was 20. I am 5'2". Just like you, I knew that I needed help but I hated having to go on this long journey from A to Z in order to get better.
    I won't tell you that you need to get help because you know that you still do and you have already gotten it. I will tell you not to give up on it. You are going to do better than the average person who helps others with eating disorders because your experience is not only going to be from books, it is personal for you.
    I am 40 years old and I weigh 99 pounds. I feel healthy and I feel like I eat healthy. I work out every day and I embrace my anorexic thoughts. I just refuse to give into them. It has been almost 30 years for me and I learned that I will never be rid of this disease but that is okay because I can manage it and I will manage it every single day. You can and you will succeed in telling this disease that you are in control of it, not the other way around.

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