Relationship advice?
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Kaecklund
Posts: 191 Member
Not sure what else to put in the subject line...
My boyfriend's 13 year old son stays with us on the weekends (his daughter as well). The son always demands the tv and it drives me NUTS. I have been quiet and passive (which is so not me) letting my boyfriend handle things for the most part.
Also, when I cook he complains about the food - doesn't like it, and instead his dad often has to make him something else to eat. He's a very picky eater and voices his disapproval, which I find to be very rude. So tonight him and his dad were to make dinner. He really didn't want to. I wanted him to have a taste of the effort involved in preparing a meal and cleanup. Obviously he's not getting it since he's currently sitting in front of the tv while his dad cooks.
Anyway, he practically demanded the tv remote from me so he could watch his show and when I didn't give it to him he said "woman!" at which point I lost my mind. I told him not to ever speak to me that way again and gave him the remote and left the room before I said something I shouldn't have. He has no respect for me and I think my silence and passive attitude has made me a doormat. We have a strained relationship and I'm just at a loss. While this went down, my boyfriend was cooking in the kitchen and didn't say anything because he thought I handled it well. Well obviously there's a problem because I've locked myself away in the room and I'm fuming. Anyone have any words of advice?
A little note: boyfriend is 10 years older than me, I am 26. The parents have been split since May 2009. I am the first woman (post-mom) in the picture and we have been together a year and a half.
My boyfriend's 13 year old son stays with us on the weekends (his daughter as well). The son always demands the tv and it drives me NUTS. I have been quiet and passive (which is so not me) letting my boyfriend handle things for the most part.
Also, when I cook he complains about the food - doesn't like it, and instead his dad often has to make him something else to eat. He's a very picky eater and voices his disapproval, which I find to be very rude. So tonight him and his dad were to make dinner. He really didn't want to. I wanted him to have a taste of the effort involved in preparing a meal and cleanup. Obviously he's not getting it since he's currently sitting in front of the tv while his dad cooks.
Anyway, he practically demanded the tv remote from me so he could watch his show and when I didn't give it to him he said "woman!" at which point I lost my mind. I told him not to ever speak to me that way again and gave him the remote and left the room before I said something I shouldn't have. He has no respect for me and I think my silence and passive attitude has made me a doormat. We have a strained relationship and I'm just at a loss. While this went down, my boyfriend was cooking in the kitchen and didn't say anything because he thought I handled it well. Well obviously there's a problem because I've locked myself away in the room and I'm fuming. Anyone have any words of advice?
A little note: boyfriend is 10 years older than me, I am 26. The parents have been split since May 2009. I am the first woman (post-mom) in the picture and we have been together a year and a half.
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Replies
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tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?
edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.0 -
Except you shouldn't have to tell him. He just should.tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?
edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.0 -
Either tell him to have a talk with his son about respect, or find a new boyfriend with less baggage.0
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What do you want for yourself? Can you really justify that behavior? How much more do you deserve, dear? IMHO, it's a red flag. I know the heart leads us to some challenging situations, sometimes. Best of luck.0
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I took him aside and asked him why he didn't say anything and his response was he didn't know what was going on, and from what he could see, I handled it quite well. He didn't think he needed to step in.tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?
edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
However, I feel his son needs to see us as a unit. That might make him respect me more if he knew his dad was behind me. The thing is nothing gets addressed because they leave for the week and come back on the weekend and it's like a clean slate, things forgotten, never addressed. Something is seriously wrong here. It's as though his son won't let me close because he may feel he's betraying his mother?
For 2 weekends in a row he's wanted to play a board game that he knows I don't like. I think it's to exclude me.0 -
Except you shouldn't have to tell him. He just should.tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?
edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
exactly. you would stand up for your girl if some moron did something stupid. you wouldnt just say "i thought you could handel yourself" if you did, then you are a wimp0 -
you have a tough road ahead...but be strong and let him know in no uncertain terms you are the head dog.....
im sure it will work for oyu....
could you imagine living like that for a lot of years.....
nip it now...
oh...tell him you "know people" who handle little snot noses like him.... might get a laugh0 -
There's going to be an intense conversation behind closed doors. I need a drink!0
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I took him aside and asked him why he didn't say anything and his response was he didn't know what was going on, and from what he could see, I handled it quite well. He didn't think he needed to step in.tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?
edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
However, I feel his son needs to see us as a unit. That might make him respect me more if he knew his dad was behind me. The thing is nothing gets addressed because they leave for the week and come back on the weekend and it's like a clean slate, things forgotten, never addressed. Something is seriously wrong here. It's as though his son won't let me close because he may feel he's betraying his mother?
For 2 weekends in a row he's wanted to play a board game that he knows I don't like. I think it's to exclude me.
show him its not going to work. play the stupid game even if you dont want to. laugh and smile the whole time even if you hate it0 -
You and your boyfriend need to be on the same page. Talk to him about how you would like him to support you in these situations. Make some ground rules and explain them to his son as well. No TV until after you eat, please and thank you or you get nothing, etc. That might help clear up the behavior. In situations like this, the child may just be trying to get as much slack as possible because he feels slighly betrayed. Or he's just being a boy with an attitude. Either way, I would discuss the role you should play. Are you important/serious enough of a relationship for you to step in a be in a role of disciplining his son? These questions should clear alot up.0
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Except you shouldn't have to tell him. He just should.tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?
edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
^This. The kid should be respectful to all adults, period. It's your boyfriend's job to teach him that, and no offense, but it sounds like he hasn't. If it were me, I would have to consider if this were the kind of guy I would want to pursue a relationship with, but, that's just me.
Edit: My husband is always telling me "men are oblivious" and to always assume he is probably clueless. LOL. So maybe he is just that checked out. Something needs to be done, for sure, but he needs to do it, and not you. Since you guys aren't married and you're technically not the "step-mom," it's not really your place, in my opinion.0 -
I thought about that - and I think I will. I won't play into his manipulation!
I took him aside and asked him why he didn't say anything and his response was he didn't know what was going on, and from what he could see, I handled it quite well. He didn't think he needed to step in.tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?
edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
However, I feel his son needs to see us as a unit. That might make him respect me more if he knew his dad was behind me. The thing is nothing gets addressed because they leave for the week and come back on the weekend and it's like a clean slate, things forgotten, never addressed. Something is seriously wrong here. It's as though his son won't let me close because he may feel he's betraying his mother?
For 2 weekends in a row he's wanted to play a board game that he knows I don't like. I think it's to exclude me.
show him its not going to work. play the stupid game even if you dont want to. laugh and smile the whole time even if you hate it0 -
Are you really going to let a 13 year old get you upset? Call him out on his attitude ask him why he is giving you such gripe. Imagine in being in his spot he isnt looking for a new mom. Have a 1 on 1 with the kid My step mother and me were like you and his kid we butted heads for a good 5 years.0
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If it were me, I would have to consider if this were the kind of guy I would want to pursue a relationship with, but, that's just me.
^^^THIS^^^0 -
I thought about that - and I think I will. I won't play into his manipulation!
I took him aside and asked him why he didn't say anything and his response was he didn't know what was going on, and from what he could see, I handled it quite well. He didn't think he needed to step in.tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?
edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
However, I feel his son needs to see us as a unit. That might make him respect me more if he knew his dad was behind me. The thing is nothing gets addressed because they leave for the week and come back on the weekend and it's like a clean slate, things forgotten, never addressed. Something is seriously wrong here. It's as though his son won't let me close because he may feel he's betraying his mother?
For 2 weekends in a row he's wanted to play a board game that he knows I don't like. I think it's to exclude me.
show him its not going to work. play the stupid game even if you dont want to. laugh and smile the whole time even if you hate it
It is my opinion that the son probably needs to be seeing a counselor, so he can sort through this in a healthy way, instead of passive-aggressively.0 -
I have no grounds to discipline. The mother would throw a FIT. And the son wouldn't take me seriously or would stop coming over, and his dad would be upset. His son thinks he's a little adult. He buts into conversation, just very ungrateful overall. It's as though everything is handed to him. And we have pretty much no relationship. He doesn't say goodbye to me when he leaves after the weekend is over and I really want to have a relationship with him - just can't be forced. As for me and my boyfriend we are serious. We have talked about children and marriage. This is pretty much the only roadblock for us. I try to let it go and turn my cheek to some stuff but tonight I am fit to be tied.You and your boyfriend need to be on the same page. Talk to him about how you would like him to support you in these situations. Make some ground rules and explain them to his son as well. No TV until after you eat, please and thank you or you get nothing, etc. That might help clear up the behavior. In situations like this, the child may just be trying to get as much slack as possible because he feels slighly betrayed. Or he's just being a boy with an attitude. Either way, I would discuss the role you should play. Are you important/serious enough of a relationship for you to step in a be in a role of disciplining his son? These questions should clear alot up.0 -
have a chat with the boy. You're the grown up. If he's mad at you b/c you're with his dad then that's his problem for the time being (as long as you're with his dad). Dinner is dinner at my house and if you don't like it feel free to make a pb&j (that's how we roll at our house). As for how he talks to you unacceptable. You don't talk to him that way and he needs to refrain as well. If he wants to be treated like a grown-up then he needs to act like a grown up. That means you treat people with respect. As for the BF this is all new to him as well and he should help establish the ground rules with his son and you all in agreement.
Well that's my 2 cents. I know it must be very scary, frustrating, and irritating all at the same time....Hang in there.0 -
I dont' have any kids, but as a teacher, I can tell you just DON'T put up with the attitude. The problem is, you have already let him take control, so now it will be even harder to gain control back. With kids, you have to show them who is boss from the start, otherwise they know they can get away with anything, especially if his dad is of no help. If everyone week is truly like a new start, then stop giving in to a 13 year old. YOU are the adult, not him. Your boyfriend needs to back you up on it, or things will just get worse. If he can't man up, then maybe he's not someone you should be with!!0
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Except you shouldn't have to tell him. He just should.tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?
edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
Sorry but this will have to be a +1.0 -
I am also a step parent to a teenage son(16) and my hubby is 10 years older. I have been with my hubby for 10 years but still have issues similar to yours. I find it very hard and still let him do most of the parenting with him. I do get involved but its just different when they are step childern. I have been in their lives since the spilt and have seen what it does to a kid when it happens. I did my best to be there for him and was the one who comforted him when he was upset. It can take a long time for them to adjust and to be a teenager while doing it would be a lot to handle. what your bf son said was way off the charts and it would be very hard to handle and I think your bf really needs to have a good talk to him about respect. and you need to have a good talk to your bf about making sure he pulls his sons reins in on the spot. You should have to tell him to do so! I think you both need to talk to him and the daughter about the rules you want both the kids to live by when they are with you both.0
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