Ashamed

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Replies

  • EmmieBaby
    EmmieBaby Posts: 1,235 Member
    I just hope you are doing this weight loss for yourself and not him, cause honey, I would of slaped him for saying that to me. My boyfriend loves me for me regardless of my weight, sure he loves it that I am getting in better shape and looking sexyer, but I know he wouldnt leave me if I gained weight again cause im still the same person he loves =)

    *hugs*
  • TheFitHooker
    TheFitHooker Posts: 3,357 Member
    I think there may be more to his response. He may not know the right words to use. Perhaps you didn't feel good about yourself at your previous weight. Did it hinder you from being the person you really wanted to be? Did it keep you from doing things you wanted to do? He may be trying to tell you that your weight loss has changed your outlook on life, on how you respond to him and those around you. It may have given you more self esteem, a better view of life, etc.

    My body and my mind are well connected. When my weight is up and I'm feeling out of shape, I'm not fun to be around and not as extroverted. I do not respond the same as I do when I feel great about myself. I'm also more inhibited and feel less sexy. Just who I am, but I understand it. I understand it, because my husband notices it. When I think he is talking about my weight, he is talking about my personal enjoyment of life. It took a lot of conversations for me to realize this because I'm so sensitive about the way I look.

    Are you living more of your dreams and acting differently in response to your weight loss? I know I am.

    I thank you for this! Yes actually I have opened 2 businesses of my own since I started dropping in weight, both are actually going pretty strong. I know the only reason they are is because I have confidence in myself. I know I have a long ways to still go but I'm over half way there. I know when I can look in the mirror and not get disgusted with myself, that there is improvement. This could be it right here. I've noticed I have been getting honked out while I take my walks, I've been getting looks when out and about, so yes my confidence has shot up. I don't plan on going backwards, watching the scale go down is my new favorite thing. Putting on a pair of jeans that I bought last year right after having my daughter, when I had dropped 70lbs seeing that those jeans don't fit the way they should. That I'll have to move to a smaller size soon, makes me happy. I never started this new life style for him. I only did this for me. I wanted to be healthy and I don't want my kids to be ashamed to introduce me to their friends, I want my kids to be proud of me.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    Wow! All I can say! I would have divorced him at that comment. It was pretty much mental terrorism.
    Terrorism? That's a little extreme. It was very hurtful and hopefully not what he was trying to say.
  • Becoming_A_Butterfly
    Becoming_A_Butterfly Posts: 2,534 Member
    Men are not able to communicate like we do. They just can't. I think he is so excited about the 'new' you and just doesn't know how to express that. Don't be mad at him and don't take it to heart. He wants you healthy and happy so you will be around a long, long time. He loves you for YOU. Just brush it off, and be happy with him about the NEW YOU!!! You are awesome!
    :drinker:

    Oh, please. Men are quite capable of communicating. Don't make patronizing excuses just because a man said something stupid. "I was ashamed to be seen with you" can in no way be translated to "What I really meant was, I am just so damn excited about the new you, honey!"
  • Falling_star
    Falling_star Posts: 204 Member
    Men are not able to communicate like we do. They just can't. I think he is so excited about the 'new' you and just doesn't know how to express that. Don't be mad at him and don't take it to heart. He wants you healthy and happy so you will be around a long, long time. He loves you for YOU. Just brush it off, and be happy with him about the NEW YOU!!! You are awesome!
    :drinker:

    Oh, please. Men are quite capable of communicating. Don't make patronizing excuses just because a man said something stupid. "I was ashamed to be seen with you" can in no way be translated to "What I really meant was, I am just so damn excited about the new you, honey!"

    agree
  • agray58
    agray58 Posts: 7
    I know the feeling but I hope you are doing this for you and not for your husband. If you feel good about yourself and he feels good about you too then be happy. He's been by your side all the way so maybe its best not to read too much into this because as RisingAboveit says men are unable to communicate as women do. We are sensitive souls, not to mention incredibly smart and beautiful.

    Enjoy your rediscovered body and don't spoil it by fretting x
  • yoshi91610
    yoshi91610 Posts: 177 Member
    Ok don't get me wrong I enjoy the attention.

    The past few days my husband has been telling me things he wants to get me and stuff like that. I talked about before how he hardly can keep his hands off me since I started dropping in weight. I'm less then 2lbs from being lighter then I've been in over 8yrs. I'm tickled pink.

    Before when I was over 200lbs my husband wouldn't buy me much of anything, never really cared about doing much of anything with me. While yes I can understand maybe not finding me attractive at that stage, cus I wasn't attractive I look at the photo's of before and can't believe I ever let myself get that big. I still can't help but feel worthless if I'm that big, not good enough to buy nice things for, not good enough to be held. Things like that.

    Last night I finally had to talk to him about my feelings on this, he kept on going on and on about things he wanted to get me. So we sat down and I asked him why am I all the sudden worth all these nice things? I love it but I can't help but think what if I slip back into old habits? I don't want to but the fat gene runs in my family on both sides. My mom use to be a stick, she gained after having kids, she lost a lot, and then gained it all back with age so I can't help but think what if I gain it back? He told me that he was ashamed to be seen with me, while yeah it hurt to hear that, and sometimes not saying things like that at all is best. When I asked him "What if I never decided that I needed to lose weight?" He said something I hope he really didn't mean, he said he didn't mean it but part of me can't help but wonder if he did. He said "We'd probably end up divorce." So then I asked him "So you are only with me for how I look?" that's when he back tracked and said that he realizes how bad that sounds and he doesn't really think he would leave me.

    Believe me I'm going to work hard to keep the weight off when I'm done losing, I'm going to work hard to keep myself in good shape, thing is I say that now, but WHAT IF? I can't help but think my husband might be ashamed to be seen with me again. Lord know's he isn't perfect but I married him for better or worse, he's put on weight, he could use to lose. There are other things that aren't attractive on him, but I would never shun him for those, we all change the older we get, our metabolism slows down after kids, our bodies are never the same.

    I can't say the things he told me didn't hurt me, because they did. I know I'm not the same person I was 3 months ago or at least the weight isn't the same. I'm trying to process it I guess.

    Ok, so I have been in a very similar situation with my husband, He didn't say he was embarrassed to take me out, but he did say stuff like, when you lose weight you won't be able to keep my hands off you. It was hurtful, because while I have gained weight since we've been together I have never been "skinny". So he knew what he was getting into with me being overweight.

    But, I am also almost positive he didn't mean it that way. Because I sat my husband down and asked him why he CAN keep his hands off me now and why my weight matters that much, he said it doesn't really, it's just I was trying to be supportive. He didn't mean it the way he said it.

    That being said, I can't believe he said he would divorce you if you gained more weight...that's kinda hard to say he didn't mean it that way, because I just don't know what other way he could have meant it. I think that you should sit him down and say I love you for who you are, but if who you are is shallow enough to leave me (and my child/ren if you have any) then maybe I should leave you. That should really get him thinking.
  • dlaplume2
    dlaplume2 Posts: 1,658 Member
    I know it's hard to have that kind of heart to heart, but look back and analyz it from a different perspective, now that you have had time to stew it over a bit.

    Look at your personality then and as it is now.

    Your husband may have been a littl ashamed to be seen with you because you were a overweight, but was it weight, or maybe you weren't as diligent about you apperance. Maybe you were sloppier, or in a depressed state and not as out going as you are now. People rub off on each other and maybe those things have been a contributing factor of that lost love feelings, both ways.

    just a thought.
  • TheFitHooker
    TheFitHooker Posts: 3,357 Member
    Any time we have ever went out even to the grocery store, I would fix myself up, I didn't care how over weight I was, I tried to look my best. My attitude has only changed from how I see myself in the mirror, my personality has always been the same. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he notices the changes in my body and says he is proud of me. That in itself motivates me, but the divorce bit I still find over the line, he did back track himself and said he didn't mean it, so I'm just going to take him at his word on that, yeah it still stings, but once you say something you can't take it back, it's already out there. Him saying he was ashamed to be seen with me, while I do understand in a way, because I was ashamed of how big I let myself get, I still don't see how that can be helpful or how not taking me out can help at all either. I'm a SAHM who runs 2 businesses from my home. I'm cooped up all day with my daughter who is 11 months and my son when he is off from school who is 8. I do blame him a little for my weight, and don't take this wrong, but him never wanting to get me out of the house, we only have 1 car, I became this person who sat behind the computer or on the couch. I was depressed, I had no adult interaction, my husband would come home from work, and go to his corner and not hardly talk to me. I was very much alone. I did this for me, I did this on my own, I know I can keep it off. It was a choice I had to make, I had to slap myself a few times and tell myself that feeling sorry for myself isn't getting me anywhere. My neighbor who lives next door, we both decided we needed to do something, so I get 3 days a week sometimes more, to go walking with my friend, and that has helped.

    I've asked my husband to work out with me, I've asked him to lets load the kids up, let our son ride his bike, I'll put our daughter in the stroller and push, just walk with me. He still won't. I don't let it slow me down, because I'm doing this for myself. There are days when I go walking alone, just to get out of the house away from everyone. I need that quiet time to think sometimes.
  • adrian_indy
    adrian_indy Posts: 1,444 Member
    Well, what he said about the divorce was a little less than tasteful. As far as being more attentive all of a sudden, hey, it could be as simple as men and women like new things and changes. When you are with someone for a while, chances are the newness wears off after a couple of years. If you are suddenly looking and behaving a little differently, it might have rekindled a little of that old flame.
  • mscoco10
    mscoco10 Posts: 527 Member
    It really bugs me how some men think we as women should look like super models but they don't adhere to the same standard. I've never been skinny and i dont wish to be. I just wanna be healthy. For him to say he was ashmed was wrong. We as women already have to deal with other people and the media. Your partner should be supportive. Don't worry or feel down. Don't let the devil steal your joy. We all have issues with weight. Don't stress over gaining a few pounds. It happens. You have the tools to keep the weight under control. You deserve true unconditional love. His comments should come from a i love you and want the best life for you. I pray God will heal your heart b/c once words are expressed its to late to back track. The damage is done.
  • rb16fitness
    rb16fitness Posts: 236 Member
    Your husband should have phrased his emotions more tactfully, he was unnecessarily callous. However, people cannot force themselves to be attracted to someone when they are not. Though you can still love someone without being physically attracted to them. Thankfully, it sounds like the attraction has returned...
    (sometimes its best not to ask the question if you don't want to know the true answer... )
  • vegansara
    vegansara Posts: 192 Member
    I think there have been a lot of good responses on here so far.

    What struck me the most is the comment that he would divorce you if you gained weight. That, my friend, is conditional love and is no way to live your life. Bottom line (for me).

    My advice, to take or leave: Ask him about it, give him the chance to clarify his feelings. If that is the way he really feels, he has every right to feel that way - and you have every right to have your feelings too. Maybe he didn't mean it, maybe he did, but the only way to find out is to ask him.
  • dlaplume2
    dlaplume2 Posts: 1,658 Member
    I know it's hard to have that kind of heart to heart, but look back and analyz it from a different perspective, now that you have had time to stew it over a bit.

    Look at your personality then and as it is now.

    Your husband may have been a littl ashamed to be seen with you because you were a overweight, but was it weight, or maybe you weren't as diligent about you apperance. Maybe you were sloppier, or in a depressed state and not as out going as you are now. People rub off on each other and maybe those things have been a contributing factor of that lost love feelings, both ways.

    just a thought.
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