Worried about daughter in law

2

Replies

  • catwrangler
    catwrangler Posts: 918 Member
    You have wonderful intentions, but please don't say anything. She is likely to take it as criticism and be hurt by your words.
    Not only hurt, but angry. If she's an emotional eater, you will make her eat more. Stay silent on the matter. Trust me, she already knows she's fat, depressed and needs to do something. Don't set her back by saying anything about it.
  • amberrrogers
    amberrrogers Posts: 98
    DO NOT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT HER WEIGHT. You have no right to do so. My mother in law was worried about my weight, and she had a right too since I ballooned to over 300 pounds. But she never said a word to me until I made the choice to change my life. Then she told me how worried she had been. If you speak out, it will cause hurt feelings and that is not what you want
  • Maryfullofgrace
    Maryfullofgrace Posts: 342 Member
    DO NOT SAY A WORD.
  • yoshi91610
    yoshi91610 Posts: 177 Member
    I have seen pictures of my daughter in law, who I have never met till last week. She is 24 yrs old, and have gain a large amount of weight, recently. Her parents who are in their early 50's are Type 2 diabetics. I'm just worried for her sake, and would hate to see her become a diabetic at her early age. Should I keep my nose out, or should I tell her that I, and others are concerned? I have given her hints that I have joined MFP a year ago, and how great the website/app has been for me, and how it works.
    I could tell she is depressed a lot. I would just like to get her back on her feet.

    Any suggestions? Or should I not say anything? If so...how should I bring it up?

    Thanks in advance.

    For me, it worked out better when people actually said that they were worried about my weight and that it was not healthy. I was talking to my mom one day and I said something like, "I don't like being 100lbs overweight and ashamed of myself." And she responded with "Oh you're not that unhealthy, you don't even look that overweight." I had to tell her I appreciated that she was trying to boost my self-esteem but it doesn't help me at all when people do that because to me it's like saying it is ok that I am overweight and unhealthy. And it really did help when I had someone (my husband after I asked his honest opinion) tell me like it is, I already have diabetes and high blood pressure, and I am only 23, I know if I lose weight I can lower my blood pressure and possibly get off the meds that I am taking. BUT not everyone responds well to "tough love." if you guys are close then yes I would tell her straight out how you are concerned but I wouldn't speak for other people if they aren't around.
  • ackeebee
    ackeebee Posts: 1,042 Member
    express your concerns to your son and it is up to him whether or not he does the rest. if you have only met this woman 5 minutes ago, you have not yet built the sort of relationship where this concern would be welcome.......
  • Liopleurodon
    Liopleurodon Posts: 63
    The closest I would get is something along the lines of "you seem a bit low - are you ok?" and if she wants to talk about anything then listen and if she doesn't then butt out. If she is depressed then the weight gain is probably a symptom of that and she needs to deal with that side of things rather than the weight on its own. It's also the case, though, that someone with depression is even more likely to hear criticism and personal attack where you don't mean to include it. She probably already feels bad about her weight and if you point it out it will probably sound judgemental rather than supportive.
  • thor1god1of1awesome
    thor1god1of1awesome Posts: 481 Member
    Its a sticky subject to be sure, but when i started gaining alot of weight my cousin pulled me aside and told me how worried he is. I got mad but he was right. I ask for the parents permsion first and if they give the ok and then go for it, be kind and understanding.
    Why on Earth would she ask the parents' permission?
    my fault I read it wrong, I was thinking step daughter
  • xoxMandyxox
    xoxMandyxox Posts: 104 Member
    Since you don't know her too too well, perhaps inviting her along for nature walks. Nothing too extreme at first. Just a normal walk where you can bring up talking about going for hikes and more intense walks than the one you're on. Even just regular, face-paced walks around neighborhoods wouldn't be bad.

    You don't want to just talk to her about weight issues or things relating to because, as subtle as that seems, it's not when it's a constant thing. So, rather than focusing on her health, focus on getting to know her, but do it on walks. Go to the mall and walk, in the neighborhood, etc. Ask her if she needs to go to the grocery store and have her tag along with you (or tag along with her), and talk up healthy foods. Like, "Oh you'd think this tastes bad, but it's sooo good you can't tell it's good for you!"
  • Just1forMe
    Just1forMe Posts: 624 Member
    I am a mother-in-law....you just met her last week? DO NOT say anything to her...

    I understand you are concern, but it really isn't your place to say anything. if you just met her, than your really don't have a relationship with her....saying something will only be detrimental to any relationship with her in the fututre.

    I am sure she is aware of the weight gain and of her risks. I would just work on being her friend and giving her love and support.

    This is the absolute truth. Do NOT say anything to her or your son. Do you think she isn't aware of her weight gain? When she is ready, she will do something about it, but if you value your relationship with her and your son, you will NOT say a word or drop any "hints". My FIL said something to someone about my weight gain 18 years ago and although I love him, I have never really forgotten or forgiven him for the comment he made to this day. Stay out of it! If she comes to you for advice, that's another story...
  • Liopleurodon
    Liopleurodon Posts: 63
    Tbh I can see even talking up healthy food could be seen as criticism. It could come across in quite a passive aggressive way, like taking an overweight friend out to lunch and going on about how "this place has fantastic salads, you know." If she's not stupid she'll realise what you're doing pretty quickly.
  • My1985Freckles
    My1985Freckles Posts: 1,039 Member
    Another note... My MIL DID call me fat... While she was helping with the alterations on my wedding dress.... Gee, Thanks, Evil Woman! Way to put a downer on what should have been the happiest time of my life. Think now, Dear MIL. Do you really need to ask why your son and I don't come to see you except at holidays?
  • dlaplume2
    dlaplume2 Posts: 1,658 Member
    I would say if you have only met her a couple of times, you should say nothing. I don't know if it was distance that kept you apart, or if it was your son, :indifferent: catch my drift.

    Love her and accept her the way she is. You didn't pick her, your son did, so let him help her if he thinks she needs it.

    Best wishes.
    :flowerforyou:
  • AprilVal
    AprilVal Posts: 940 Member
    I was in a similar situation with my sister, I hadnt seen her in years. And she got to the point that i was literately scared for her life. I said something to her and she got mad. But now shes finally starting to work on it on her own. All I can say is, support her. I think she needs to learn how to deal with her depression, trust me I understand depression, I dealt with it for a long time myself and i still do. Im trying to learn how to out smart the depression when it comes. I wish you tons of luck..
  • 0PhAtDaDdY
    0PhAtDaDdY Posts: 569 Member
    Express your concerns to your son in private allow him to deal with her... Just my thoughts.....
  • ppmp38
    ppmp38 Posts: 3
    It has been my general experience over the years that the more you bring it up people to go the other way by gaining weight.
  • ppmp38
    ppmp38 Posts: 3
    Bingo I agree with you... I also said people tend to go the other way and put on more weight.
  • maidentl
    maidentl Posts: 3,203 Member
    Unless you want a life-long crappy relationship with her do not say anything. You just met her and if you start off on this foot, it will be very hard to repair the damage.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    I could tell she is depressed a lot. I would just like to get her back on her feet.
    I would focus on this and not mention the weight. Let her know that you noticed she seems down or depressed, and that you want to be there for her, if she needs someone to talk to. Still, if you've only met her once it may be too soon to even do this, so maybe wait a while. But I don't think that would come across as meddling.
  • bigfluffyjujubird
    bigfluffyjujubird Posts: 36
    i would say nothing, your healthy diet and weight loss should speak for itself. If you dont know the girl yet form a friendship first. My mum nagged me about my weight for years commending me when i was actually underweight and ill and bullying me when i was bigger, this is the woman that on my wedding day at dinner in front of my guests told me that it was a shame i didnt lose weight for my big day. Thanks mum.
  • 4thehardman
    4thehardman Posts: 731 Member
    I think that for the sake of your relationship I would back away and keep your opinions to yourself until you know her better. You don't want to start your relationship as a busy body. She knows she is overweight, she knows her family history so in effect she has CHOSEN this lifestyle right now. You could discuss your concerns with your son but fat people take offence when they have their size pointed out, either as a stare or as a well intentioned suggestion, you really don't want to offend someone and if you want a friendly relationship with your daughter in law then I'd say mind your own for the moment. As far as you know it may be something that she is working on at the moment, it takes time. Good luck.
  • Usbornegal
    Usbornegal Posts: 601 Member
    I too am a MIL, and adore my DIL. My son made my role as an MIL easy be marrying a wonderful gal. That being said, I would never comment about her weight if it were an issue, but would be a role model, sharing my success as appropriate. SHE is very supportive of ME on my MFP journey, and worked extra hard to make sure the birthday dinner for my grandaughter had foods that fit my MFP guidelines since she knew I was working on it. If you go into the relationship with an open attitude and looking for the best in the other person, you will find it!
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    It depends on the kind of person she is.
    Some people are acutely aware of family history and their condition and choose to not, or can't do anything about it.
    Others are oblivious.
    If she is the oblivious type, it might pay to drop hints about the connection between weight and diabetes, otherwise she knows she's fat and don't say anything about that.
  • saligator
    saligator Posts: 96 Member
    I would steer clear of dropping hints or speaking with her. I would just set the example and if the subject comes up in conversation, freely talk about your weight loss and your experience.

    exactly!!

    my mother in law says similar things to me all the time, calling me lazy, etc - she's not trying to be hurtful, but it hurts all the same!
  • firedragon064
    firedragon064 Posts: 1,082 Member
    Just mention Low carb diet help control diabete and that's it.
    It's not your place to tell her that she 's fat.
    Nobody is so stupid and don't know they are overweight so no need for you to say it.
  • spottedlee
    spottedlee Posts: 372
    [Not only hurt, but angry. If she's an emotional eater, you will make her eat more. Stay silent on the matter. Trust me, she already knows she's fat, depressed and needs to do something. Don't set her back by saying anything about it.
    Same with smoking,, when my daughter nagged at me about it, I smoked more. BTW,, I quit 3 years ago from 2 pack a day habit!
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
    I agree with the majority-- it's not your place. And if you talk to your son he will most likely tell her that you said something, and I'm not sure which would be worse. If you think you can talk to your son about his wife's weight and he won't bring it up to her, you're fooling yourself. You'll end up being seen as a busybody and that's not how you want to start out your relationship with your daughter in law.
  • armywifejenny222
    armywifejenny222 Posts: 4
    I would just bring it up to your son in private...it is a legitimate concern, but you do not know her well enough to make a stand about the issue.
  • messyinthekitchen
    messyinthekitchen Posts: 662 Member
    It's not your place to say anything. But I see why you are concerned. Maybe do the email invite here on MFP. I'm assuming since you just met her last week she does not live close so you can not invite her out with you. Perhaps you should tell your son you are concerned. He is more so in the position to talk with her. And he can get her out and moving and eating well.
  • mrsxbrightside
    mrsxbrightside Posts: 35
    One thing I have noticed about weight loss is that it's like any other addiction - you CAN'T change until you are ready. This is why I think so many people lose weight, then they gain it all back... I'm a flip-flopper, I lose, then gain, lose, then gain. This time, I'm committed to changing MYSELF for the better. It's a committment, it isn't something you just know you need to do to be healthy, you have to be 100% committed to changing your entire life around, and until she is ready to do that, she won't be able to do it. She has to realize herself what her health means to her. Everyone else around her may be able to see it, everyone around me was able to see it, but there came a day when I was sick and tired of my life, of the way I was living, and I became committed to myself - to my health, to living longer and healthier... I hope that soon she will realize this, but until she does, you can't make her... & discussing her weight with her will probably make her not want to do it... so, in this particular case, my suggestion is to stay out of it. You can certainly bring up MFP, but if you bring up her weight, her family issues, you're going to put her on the defensive.
  • judykritikos
    judykritikos Posts: 161
    1. You just met her - so that's a subject that is not even on the radar at this point. And frankly, not sure it ever would be.
    2. Your son probably won't say anything to her - if he wants to stay married, that is.
    3. Until I was ready to DO something about my wt & eating, you could talk till you were blue, but it would make no difference.
    4. If she hasn't figured out that her weight and her family's Diabetes means SHE'S next in line - then she will figure it out soon enough.
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