Parents with overweight children

You are already doing everything you can in the food and excercise department. Maybe it's time to try a wholly different strategy.

If it were my daughter I would encourage any hobby, even if it's not a physical activity. Focus on the skills she has. Find outlets for her to express herself - art, music, drama, collecting stuff, cooking - anything she's interested in. If none of my subtle efforts were helping, I would go ahead and talk to her but keep the focus on health, not body image. Or I would try to find someone other than me that I thought she might listen to and ask them to help. A trusted friend, a mentor, or someone she looks up to. Again, with the focus on health.

I would also rewatch the move Spanglish to remind myself of all the things that don't help in these situations. The daughter story line in that movie is very touching.

Regarding netball, here in Aus netball runs all year round through indoor. Perhaps look at indoor for her?

This topic is awfully familiar to me, because not very long ago I was 5'2 at 13 years old and about 150 pounds. Our family's diet wasn't unhealthy, and I was not inactive-- I rode my horse 2-3 times a week, spent entire summers running around the barn or swimming in the lake at my grandparents', and loved going to the occasional hip-hop dance classes with my friends. And I practiced my flute 2-5 hours a night (always standing up), so it's not like I was spending my off time just sitting around watching television. Yet the weight persisted, and I kept gaining.
My snacking habits were unhealthy, but I don't know many 13 year olds with fantastic snack choices. And it was a lot of fruit, too....but 4 bananas a day can make you just as fat as 4 candy bars a day. I never ate school lunches, always packed my own.

I'm sure my mom felt similar aggravation with my situation as you do. She served us a balanced, home-cooked meal every night and made sure there were veggies in my lunch every day. I wasn't involved in school sports, but I was certainly involved with plenty of other activities. Looking back, there were definitely signs of my parents trying to change things, but it obviously didn't help. What it took was 2 more years, gaining all the way up to 168 at age 15, and me having a mental breakdown and my family finally realizing I needed to take antidepressants. At the same time we also found out my thyroid essentially was producing nothing, so I went on Levothyroxin as well. As soon as I started taking them, my head cleared up, I started exercising, stopped emotionally eating, and lost 30 pounds within 5 months. I'm not saying that this is the solution for your daughter, obviously...just that there was nothing else that my parents could have done to help me lose weight. Sometimes I think there truly is a reason other than laziness and bad eating habits. My metablism naturally truly SUCKS. Even now, with all the consciously-healthy food choices and working out that I do, I can gain weight so easily if I take even a week off from one or the other. Maybe your daughter falls under this same body type...and if she's anything like me, only REALLY hard work will show results. Fortunately I've come to love it, and am finally down to a really good-looking 135 pounds. But it's a realization I had to come to on my own, because it's my body, and there's nothing my mom or dad could have done to help when I was 13.

I don't know if my story helps, but I just wanted to let you know that I sympathize with your situation. It's a really difficult position to be the fat girl at only 13 years old, especially when you're eating healthy and exercising while all your friends are eating pizza and playing Nintendo. Best of luck to you and your family :]

I think the bigger a deal you make of it, the more you risk pushback and unintended consequences. Thirteen is such a vulnerable age. I think continuing with healthy family eating and regular activity together is great. But beyond that? Teach her to love herself no matter what. Support her doing whatever SHE needs to do to build self confidence. If that means playing violin or joining the drama club or running for student council or something non-physical, so be it. If she has a positive sense of herself, it will be easier to support her to make healthy lifestyle choices, but she needs to do it on her terms and her time.

Okay, so I didn't get through reading everyone's feedback, but I do have some strong opinions!

I was that 13 year old girl...at 12, my mom told me that she would let me know if I was ever "getting fat" so I wouldn't be obsessing for nothing. Then my weight slowly creeped up, and I wasn't observant to it at all. Sounds strange for being a self conscious girl, but in my mind maybe I felt I was "overweight" to begin with so the new "overweight" didn't feel so different. I was also in a really weird phase! Middle schoolers are half brain dead *no offense* but reasoning, focusing, and perception gets way off track as the frontal lobe is reconstructing itself. I'm sure you know this from your own experience, and parenting. My point is to not assume that she is aware.

When I was 14, I went to the doctor, and oh my goodness!! I was expecting the scale to be 150...155 at the most....it tipped at 175! I sat there in the office with my mom, unclothed and ashamed of myself, waiting for the doctor. My mom says "Did you see that scale?" [God.....] "What do you think of that?" [I think its so shameful we have to have this confrontation NOW]

The doctor came in and one of the first few things she mentioned was my weight. It was already raw in my heart, and probed by my mom. It was traumatizing!!

Two days later I built the nerve to ask my mom "What happened to you talking to me if you thought I was becoming overweight?"
She was offended! She thought I was blaming it all on her "You know you are OLD enough to know your own body, I do not need to treat you like a child anymore!" [Child? That was only two years ago you reassured me....]

This whole shock and confrontation at once was traumatizing for me! All of a sudden my mom was saying things left and right like "When you go to subway, NO mayo! And get the BAKED chips! And drink DIET soda, I know Coke isn't your favorite...."

It sounds like you are a bit more understanding than my mom at the time, but it was really out of so much care and emotion all around. I'm afraid this will happen to your daughter. You don't know what may come up. You don't know if other relatives or kids at school will say anything (or already have)

Be direct, but you can say it in a tone that she is only a little overweight, but not fat. You want to help her turn it around because now is when people build skills for the future. Maybe you can say you wished you had built those when you were younger (I don't know, but I think many of us do) and want her to have that advantage.

So don't take out the scale, just focus on behaviors (eating and exercising) instead of her weight, with the goal of looking better and feeling better about herself (not weight loss)

Maybe you can relate how mean kids are in middle school and will call just about anyone fat just to upset them. Its true! Reassure her that she looks great and she's beautiful. Give her a strong statement she can say in response just so she can be prepared.

These are all in steps! But you need to be direct. The subtle hints do NOT work when half your frontal cortex and limbic system are out of order.

Something else I wish my parents did was tell me I needed to pick a sport. Any sport of my choice, even dancing (though I warn you its expensive for only two hours a week!!) They would say "you know it would be nice if you could be active like other kids" But that means nothing when you have no experience with sports other than PE, and the computer is more fun. If I was pushed to pursue a sport, I may have actually explored my curiosity for soccer or waterpolo I was too afraid of expressing on my own. Don't feel like you are being mean! There are many options, but what's not an option is staying sedentary.

I'm sorry, I know this is a lot, but like you, I have my own pain from teenage years. You sound like a compassionate open-minded mother who would really care to read all this

Have been talking to her - once she told me yes she does want to lose weight I had permission to talk with her.

So far she has identified 2 eating goals and 2 fitness goals, and I have started to teach her about basic nutrition.

So lots of progress really.

Really cool she brought it up herself...this will make it much easier for you to help her. From my (dusty) memories, it was hard enough being a 13 year old girl (with all the hormonal-changing hell going on in your body) when you're a normal weight. I can't imagine what its like these days with all of the different challenges kids are facing!

Good luck with the situation, and I'm sure you'll help her sort it out. You sound like a really good mother! :drinker: