A Man's Guide To Pleasing A Woman At Christmas

I read a forum topic this morning about purchasing a gift for a spouse and having read some of the responses decided to share my thoughts on how a man can buy a gift guaranteed to please his lady. It's not that I think the men in question are bad, they just don't know what to do and how, so here goes.

Women are cerebral. Buying a gift for them is like playing chess. If you are only thinking one move ahead you are going to get CRUSHED. When you buy her a gift it is the thoughtfulness that matters most, not the gift itself. If you listen to her over the course of the year she will tell you everything you need to know for success.

Gifts can be summed up in 3 categories; Needs, Wants, and Desires. Your duty is to turn a need into a want, a want into a desire, and a desire into gratification. If you can do that your woman will love you like you have never known. Here's how:

NEEDS (or household utility gifts)

Kitchen Items - These are gifts that on the surface are boring, but if you play your cards right these gifts can reap benefits for YEARS. Let me give you an example.

Several years ago my wife wanted a KitchenAid mixer. Sounds boring, right? First rule, always wrap it to impress. If you can't, pay someone to do it. Now of course she asked for it so that she could use it, but that doesn't get you any brownie points, does it? Think 2 steps ahead. Check with your local kitchen store or high-end grocery. Odds are they offer cooking classes ($35-$70). Find a class for a meal you would like to eat (I picked pizza and focaccia bread) and take it (yes, before Christmas). Next, buy a nice card and insert 2-3 coupons good for one dinner made by you. Put the card in her stocking and you are GOLDEN. Her need just became a want and probably even a desire! That was 8 years ago for me and I still hear about it to this day!

Plan B - OK, OK, you say you cannot function in a kitchen. Change it up. Buy the class for both of you and make a date night out of it. Not quite as effective, but still major brownie points. Call this one a need to a want.

WANTS (nice to haves for her)

Sporting Goods - This year my wife wants a heart rate monitor. Nothing sexy, nothing fancy. Not many brownie points there, huh? But wait, I'm going to show her I'm thinking of her needs. Those HRM straps can chafe (remember, they have things on their chest we don't). So in addition to the HRM I purchased a sports bra with the HRM strap built in. It comes in black and in white. Yes, buy both. They aren't like us. They don't wear the same thing to the gym every day. No, you are not done. Next you need to buy a cute top (Nike Town, ****'s, Sports Authority, you'll know it when you see it). Preferably a sweatshirt, but if you live in an exceptionally warm climate a top is OK. It's OK if you get the size wrong with these, within reason. Take a quick peak at one of her shirts or sweatshirts and you are guaranteed to be within 1 size either way. Her want is now a desire.....for you!

WARNING: Never, and I mean NEVER, buy the bottoms. You cannot win with those. If you get them too big you're telling her YOU think SHE is fat (I know, you didn't mean to, but remember, woman are cerebral). If you buy them too small SHE will think SHE is fat. And yes, even if you get the right size, SHE will wonder why YOU didn't think she was smaller. Any way you slice it, you are screwed.

Jewelry - This one is key and can be your best friend if done right but there are a couple of rules. First, never buy anything flashy. Second, never buy anything big (I know ladies, but hear me out on this one). Third, if you have any apprehension about buying her jewelry take a picture of her with you to the store, preferably dressed in one of your favorite outfits.

Now you have a decision to make. You need to decide what part of your woman's body, above the waist, you like most. Is it her eyes, the nape of her neck, the shape of her ears, the color and texture of her hair, her delicate hands and fingers, her wrists, and yes, even her breasts (but make sure to call it her cleavage to the sale person helping you if it is a woman. No Clark Griswold moments, guys). Your answer will determine whether you are buying earrings, a bracelet, a ring, or a necklace.

Last thing to focus on is her. You need to be paying attention to her skin tone and either her eye color or hair color. Tell the sales person what you are looking to accentuate. Her eyes, her ears, her cleavage, etc. Show them her picture. DO NOT let them break rule 1 or rule 2. They will try at first but will shape up as soon as you make yourself clear. If not, find another sales person. You do not need to spend a fortune. My boys and I hit Costco for a jewelry road show this year (call them and they will tell you when it is happening near you). For under $300 total my youngest son picked out matching earrings and a necklace that compliment her hair color and skin tone, my older son got a bracelet that matches her blue eyes and I got her a broach that converts to a necklace and draws attention to, yes, her breasts (I mean cleavage).

No, you are not done yet. Here is where you get 2 steps ahead. Buy a ring or bracelet? Get her a manicure and pedicure (best $25-40 you'll ever spend). Get her earrings or a necklace? Get her a facial at the local salon. Take the gift card and put it in her stocking. Really want to impress her? Mani/Pedi, a facial and dinner out.

Now you are going to show her how thoughtful the gift is and how much you were thinking of her (this is REALLY important). When she opens her gifts, TELL HER WHY YOU PICKED THEM (yes, I did say earlier they are cerebral. However, they do not think we are and will not give us credit without us spelling it out for them). Back to the first two rules. You did not buy it because it was big and flashy. You bought it because it accents how beautiful her eyes are, it shows off her gorgeous skin tone, etc. Get the drift? The gift is all about her, not about the gift. And yes, you are getting lucky tonight. And every night she wears it and you remind her of why you got it. Her want has now moved past desire and on to gratification. You're welcome.

DESIRES (Really? Do you have to ask?)

These are easy and inexpensive. And they typically involve you already. You'll probably still need to buy something from the Needs or Wants list, but these make excellent extras that are worth AT LEAST 20-30 extra brownie points.

Perfume - Does she wear perfume? Do you know why? To impress YOU! Want to impress her? Pick out a scent you think would smell nice on her. Rule here: make it subtle. Heavy perfumes overwhelm you or her or both. "But Don," you ask "how do I know what to choose?" Simple. Walk around a shopping mall. DO NOT go to a perfume counter. Everything will smell the same after one whiff. While you are browsing for the other gifts above pay attention to the women around you. Breathe deeply. One of them will be wearing a scent you will like. Ask her what it is (don't be shy). She will take it as a huge compliment. Write it down (you will forget it otherwise and will have to start over. Mall security will start getting suspicious at this point). Buy it, get it wrapped and tell her how sexy you think the scent will be on her. All she'll want to do is snuggle up close so you can smell her. Putty in your hands, my friend. Putty in your hands.

CRITICAL - DO NOT EVER TELL HER HOW YOU PICKED THAT PERFUME. You would be better off passing gas. For the next 4-6 hours. White lies are your best friend here. You just spent hours perusing the perfume counter to find just the right scent. Trust me on this one.

Bath Bombs/Salts - These are just too easy. Every woman loves a relaxing bath. Hopefully you already know her favorite flower or you probably wouldn't have gotten this far. If not, ask her. She will have no clue as to what you are up to. Go to your local bath shop. My favorite is Lush. Buy a pre-made box of bath bombs (or salts if the don't have the bombs). Nope, not done. Find a store that sells scented candles. Sniff for a candle that goes well with the bombs but isn't overwhelming.

Wrap. Wait. For. A. Kind. Of. Busy. Day. (but not too busy). Shortly before bedtime for the kids tell her you will take care of them and recommend she go and enjoy those wonderful bath bombs and candles you got her for Christmas that she hasn't had time to use yet. PAY CAREFUL ATTENTION. You have exactly 10 minutes after the water stops running in the tub or you are out of luck. Let the dogs out, get the kids to bed (bribe them if you have to), lock the doors and turn out the lights in the house. By minute 10 you need to be in the bathroom getting ready to slip into the tub with her. Why 10 minutes? Because after that she will be relaxed and too far gone to even know you are there. If I have to tell you what to do from here step away from the computer, leave the house and never come back. She deserves better.

CONCLUSION

Men - Always remember you are buying a gift that tells her you are thinking of her, listening to her and understand what she needs, wants, desires.

Women - NEVER give your man a list of what to buy ever again. If you have to, print this and give it to him instead.

Enough said. I am going to get ready to watch a lot of football tomorrow. And I'd bet a month's pay before the first half time I will hear, "Honey, sorry to interrupt. Can I get you anything to eat or drink?" Yup, I'm lucky that way. She might even sit down and watch with me.

Merry Christmas,

Don
:drinker: