Here Goes Nothing

Hi everyone. My name is Mandy and I was introduced to this website by my boss. She is a health nut and she mentioned this site to a fellow co-worker and it resulted in a domino effect...so here I am. To tell you a little about me, I have been overweight my whole life. I was overweight as a kid and I am an overweight adult.

I was bullied a lot as a kid and it really has damaged my self esteem as an adult. I got called every name you could think of in regards to being overweight. I also got picked on because I looked different than everyone else. Due to being bullied and feeling alone and isolated, food became and still is my best friend, my lover, my husband, my cover, and my prison. For a small time it wasn't.

I had lost over 100 pounds on the Dr. Phil diet back in 2005. However, life got in the way (divorce) and I ate my feelings.
I gained all that weight back and then some...so now I sit here at 425 pounds! I cannot believe I am over 400 pounds. Most people don't think I am that heavy because I am so tall but I am truly 425 pounds! I wear a size 34 jeans and a 4XL shirt. Let me tell you...it's embarrassing! It's hard to find clothing that fits and won't bankrupt me in the process. I cannot go into Walmart or any chain department store and find jeans, I have to order them online because most stores don't care a 34T. I can find shirts but they are usually mens shirts. I am a woman and I want to wear womens clothing thank you so much!

To be honest, I hate my body. I hate looking at myself. I refuse to take pictures with friends and family because I look horrible. I don't want people to have pictures of me overweight. This has hurt my friends and family as they do not have a lot of pictures of me. I want to be able to be in pictures, but I cannot force myself to do it.

Another reason for wanting to lose weight is my 8 year old daughter. I need to lead by example and right now I am not doing that. My daughter has had kids in her own class make comments to her about how fat her mom is. I don't want her to have to deal with that. I want her to be proud of her mother! Kids can be cruel and I don't want their harsh comments about me to affect my daughter.

I want to know what self esteem is again. So I will put this out to the universe....I want to be a size 16! That is my dream! I know that is large for some people but I still want curves and I think with my frame I would look stunning at a size 16.

So here I go starting this journey again. To be honest, I want to cry. I hate looking at this mirror that was put up in front of me but I have to...or something bad will happen to me (diabetes, heart attack, ect). I really want to do this for good this time. I am sick of hating myself.