Divorced before 30

2

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  • KariQuiteContrary
    KariQuiteContrary Posts: 274 Member
    Was married at 18 and divorced at 23. The only reason it probably lasted that long was because I got pregnant right off the bat and was too scared to be out on my own after that. So in essence, I was one of the people who tried to make it work "for the kids". While no one can say I didn't try to save my marriage, I do wish I had seen it for what it was and gotten out sooner. I didn't have the courage because, like you, I was worried about the social stigma. I put myself through the first three years of college working 2, sometimes 3 jobs to afford textbooks and gas for the 50 mile commute to school with no support whatsoever from my ex (he rarely helped with the daughter we had when I started school, never came to recitals/concerts/performances - I was a music ed major and now a music teacher so YEAH it was a big frickin deal to not be supported in that - and when I had our second daughter in the fall of my junior year he actually suggested that I give up my "stupid pipe dream" and stay at home where I belonged). I endured nearly 5 years of seemingly subtle but gradually increasing emotional abuse (and toward the end it did turn physical) that left me with self esteem issues that still resurface now 4 years later.

    I had suspicions before the wedding that I was making a mistake and was sure within two weeks after the wedding that I had made one, but didn't finally get the courage to leave until it was almost too late because I was so afraid of what other people would think of me. Yes, if a marriage is fixable (and everyone's definition of this is different) and there is still love, then by all means, you owe it to yourself to try. I'm not saying you're in the same type of situation. But if your heart isn't in this, you need to take yourself out. I knew in my heart that there was no fixing it. Divorce was painful and an absolutely hellish process for me, but I'm a better, happier, stronger person because I made the right choice for me. That's all you can do.
  • PirateGary
    PirateGary Posts: 19
    Your first priority in this world is to yourself (minus kids) and you need to try to accept that not everyone’s going to agree with your choices. All you can do as a reasonable person is try to stay within society’s thicker lines, like not hurting people unnecessary and so forth. As for a divorce, an amicable divorce helps because people find that more comfortable and you’ll feel better about the outcome. Let’s face it; there are roughly 6.982 billion people on the planet. Picking and staying with any one of them a lifetime is more of a challenge than most people would admit. It’s hard and it’s not always going to work. Peace.
  • GouchisGirl
    GouchisGirl Posts: 321 Member
    Got divorced at 27, but I think we all saw it coming before anyone ever said I do..... Never get married to try and make a situation right and NEVER stay married to please the rest of the world.....
  • PJilly
    PJilly Posts: 22,244 Member
    My best friend was married at 18 and divorced by 21. She hasn't seemed to have had any issues because of it. I don't know what country you're in, and if you're in the US, which area, but generally, most people don't blink when they find out someone's divorced these days -- at least in the US.
    This was me. There is definitely life, and even successful marriage, after divorce. I remarried at 29 and am still very happily married and very much in love with my husband nearly 22 years later. :heart:

    ETA: I didn't mean to imply that I was the best friend you were talking about, LOL. Just that this was my same situation.
  • rockabillymama
    rockabillymama Posts: 117 Member
    thanks everyone, this makes me feel alot better. It's not that i don't love my husband but certain changes have been begged to be changed for 3 years now (ex. him treating my older daughter the same way he treats OUR daughter. and the fact that he doesn't drive) it's been talked about...largely on my side for a very long time, but if these changes don;t happen we'll be stuck where we are forever, which isn't good for the kids or for us. We need to grow as a family together, and the road we're on isn't growing anywhere. It was a hard thing to have to face but it's all on him now to chose if his family is worth it. I know that sounds mean, but it's gotten to the point where I'm just really overwhelmed, and drowning in my prison.
  • Malani2010
    Malani2010 Posts: 245
    My parents were divorced when I was 10, therefore I can't stand divorce! If there is cheating involved then that is a valid reason, however if you feel like you just don't love each other any more I don't think that is a valid reason. Love is a decision and that is why you vow for better or worse.
    I think most people think that after the divorce you will never have to see the ex or deal with them in your life again, but that is definitely not th case, especially if there are kids. And (from personal experience) if there are kids involved there is normally just as much arguing after the divorce between exes as before....so how about deciding to make it work and trying to remember why you fell in love to begin with? I agree with a previous poster about the FIreproof moive - that was awesome!!

    Just wondering what your point of view is on spousal abuse? That was my reason!! I am not trying to start anything I am just wondering!!!
  • EricNCSU
    EricNCSU Posts: 699 Member
    I'm 31... and will be 32 by the time the divorce is final but my wife merely walked out on me... gave up. Didn't even try. It's tough but I've realized I'm better off without her.. And to the many previous posters about too many divorces and it being way to "easy" to get out of.. I've realized she's always looking for an easy shortcut for something. I won't get into details, but she married me at a time when it looked like that was the way to get what she wanted, and then left me when that seemed like the right thing to do.. always about her.. didn't care about me. Only together a little over 2 years.. what a waste.

    Obviously I'm too "fresh" to have noticed any stigma as a "divorcee" but I just wanted to let ya know I'm going through the same thing and I'm here for ya if you need support.
  • StarIsMoving
    StarIsMoving Posts: 437
    Ok, well, since you didn't ask advice I won't give any - I will say - divorced twice before 30... and it was out of having no choice. First one was abusive, but I am thick-headed, but when he put the 302 British rifle to me, even I got that hint... the 2nd molested our daughter. The third marriage I have been in now for over 11 yrs, together over 13, and FINALLY found my prince :) I am the type I do not marry unless I mean forever, but if there is abuse, or other harmful activity, you do what you have to do. That was my situation. Was there a stigma? You betcha! But... ultimately a person has to worry about what is best for them, not others or what they will think. I have been excommunicated from a religion due to not going through annulment classes, I have been ignored in a church due to divorce... but... my faith is strong and I found where I "fit". I will not change MY life decisions based on stigma, opinion of others, or the fear of what I have to face ahead of me. I can't imagine divorce is easier at any age.
  • BobbyClerici
    BobbyClerici Posts: 813 Member
    double - ouch!
  • BobbyClerici
    BobbyClerici Posts: 813 Member
    My parents were divorced when I was 10, therefore I can't stand divorce! If there is cheating involved then that is a valid reason, however if you feel like you just don't love each other any more I don't think that is a valid reason. Love is a decision and that is why you vow for better or worse.
    I think most people think that after the divorce you will never have to see the ex or deal with them in your life again, but that is definitely not th case, especially if there are kids. And (from personal experience) if there are kids involved there is normally just as much arguing after the divorce between exes as before....so how about deciding to make it work and trying to remember why you fell in love to begin with? I agree with a previous poster about the FIreproof moive - that was awesome!!

    Just wondering what your point of view is on spousal abuse? That was my reason!! I am not trying to start anything I am just wondering!!!
    If he hits you one time, he will do it again. No man should ever hit his lady - EVER!
    That is a valid reason for not only divorce, but setting his bed on fire.

    I detest men who do that - cowards!
  • rikorb
    rikorb Posts: 51 Member
    I'll tell you that one of the things I hate the most about being divorced is filling out documents. Are you single, married, divorced, separated? Um, I'm not divorced -- like that's some sign they hang around your neck -- I'm single. I mean, wtf? Our very society seems to stigmatize it if you ask me.

    I completely agree, I hate that too. Cant it just be married or single. Do I have to have this "separation/divorve" thing hanging over me my whole life until I meet someone else.
  • livinginwoods
    livinginwoods Posts: 562 Member
    I married at 22 divorced at 23. I was ashamed and made to feel ashamed by loved ones until I finally blew my lid and told them the truth about my ex husband.......then they quit talking.

    Truth is, so many get divorced any more. It is like people just give up instead of work through stuff. But it is something that should just be between you and your husband, no one else. If you have kids it does hurt and can make things worse but again, your family, you should do what you think is best. But really talk and think on it. Unless there is abuse or cheating try and work through it. It is not always easy.
    Divorced before 30 here, didn't like it. I would recommend fireproof / the love dare if you feel there is a chance to save your marriage.

    My husband and I are doing the year long devotions of The Love Dare Just started last week! Great book!!
  • jjolson70
    jjolson70 Posts: 14
    Married at 19, divorced at 20, remarried at 23 and have been married to the same person since. And I'm, um, 18 years older now. I kind of feel stupid about my first marriage, but it doesn't bother me much. I just consider my current husband my first one. He's the one I had those awful children with, after all.:devil:
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
    Wow some of you guys move on quick.
  • irunforfun
    irunforfun Posts: 113 Member
    I'll be 29 Friday. I sign my decree on March 2nd, and within 2-4 weeks it'll be finalized.

    Don't worry about the stigmas but ONLY after you've exhausted all your options. You can't live your life unhappy. While it's difficult I'm very, very happy now. Yes, you'll face judgement but would you rather be unhappy or judged? I'll take the judgement.
  • oneIT
    oneIT Posts: 388 Member
    Your real friends and family won't judge you. Other people will always do that cause they don't know the whole story.
    I'm in the middle of this right now. Just moved out 2 weeks ago. It is very hard!
  • MrsCon40
    MrsCon40 Posts: 2,351 Member
    I got divorced shortly before my 29th birthday after almost 8 years of marriage.

    I didn't date a lot until about 32 but by then I was able to exploit the "older woman" angle and got me an endless supply of 25 year olds. Just when I started to grow tired of meaningless, long-term physical relationships my now-husband came along.

    There's no stigma. If you're not happy you need to make yourself happy, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Only you can take care of you.

    Good luck. xo
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
    I am another one. I was divorced in 2007 I was 26. And it is hard because now I am married to my first love and have two kids by two different fathers that alone is an awful stereotype. But honestly sometimes you have to do whats best, you don't want your kids in a hostile environment. We teach our children how to love and how to have relationships. It's just an awful thing when people don't know how to have healthy relationships and we can all pretty much say we were never taught properly.. I want my kids to know the difference. And btw I got divorced because of the constant lies and cheating on his part.
  • soccer8s
    soccer8s Posts: 238 Member
    I'm 34 now, filed when I was 33...married when I was 29...3 kids later...and him cheating for the past at least year...I called it quits...then it got a bit nasty with court and all that...I filed in January of 2011 and just signed the final paperwork in September...

    It's tough...tougher with kids I think, but I'm moving forward!!! Seems like a lot of us have been there/done that - let us know, we're all here for support!

    Do what is best for you...who cares what everyone else thinks!!!!! Honestly...what are they going to think when you're the next missing wife...do it for yourself. You deserve to be happy!!!!
  • Veganniee
    Veganniee Posts: 460 Member
    I got married at 18, divorced at 28. I'm not sure I faced any stigma but I was with my now husband for 6 years before we got married. Clearly, I didn't want to make the same mistake again!
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    Didn't read any other replies, just wanted to say that I had a kid at 15, got married at 23, divorced at 27, and I'll be re-married at 31 .... and I'm totally okay with myself. Everyone elses' opinion of me is 1] none of my business and 2] not worth it to be concerned about.
  • HMD7703
    HMD7703 Posts: 761 Member
    What stigma?

    The majority are divorced anyway. Who cares!
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
    I have never been married, but I was in a relationship for 8 years and we had 2 kids.
    It was rocky from the start and I had plenty of reasons to move on... but I couldn't 1. for the kids and 2. the fear of finances.
    After being treated like crap for so long, something clicked, and I ended it. It was the BEST decision I have ever made in my life - I am so much happier.. and since I am happy the kids see that and it makes us all better. I am not angry (most of the time lol) anymore where I take it out on them, and they dont hear us fighting. The house is just much more emotionally stable. It's tough, but it was worth it. And screw what anyone else says, if the relationship isn't stable then do what is best for you (and your kids if you have them).

    I do agree that if you are just in a rocky time, I would work on it and see if you can move forward. Unfortunately in my case I was for that, but it was always thrown back in my face. Could be the alcoholism of my ex that made any advancements unsuccessful, I don't know. All I know is I am happy and I am workign on a hot new bod in hopes to meet the man of my dreams and marry one day!

    We deserve it!
  • starracer23
    starracer23 Posts: 1,011 Member
    I was divorced before 30....I was also married at 19. It lasted 6yrs. The divorce was the best thing that could happened to me. I was miserable before. I didn't care about what anyone else said. It's my life and I deserve to be happy.

    You deserve to be happy as well. So do whatever will make that happen!
  • shonasteele
    shonasteele Posts: 473
    Divorced by 25. Trust me, stereotypes and judgement are easier to live with than an unhappy marriage. You'll get over all the bs and be happy someday (either alone or with someone better) and that's what life is about, not paying for the rest of your life for a mistake you made when you were young (or old, or middle aged for that matter, no one deserves to be stuck). Good luck.
  • kennethmgreen
    kennethmgreen Posts: 1,759 Member
    Everyone elses' opinion of me is 1] none of my business and 2] not worth it to be concerned about.
    I so love that you wrote "none of my business" and not "none of their business." It's a subtle yet crucial difference.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    Everyone elses' opinion of me is 1] none of my business and 2] not worth it to be concerned about.
    I so love that you wrote "none of my business" and not "none of their business." It's a subtle yet crucial difference.


    Accepting and welcoming that idea has done amazing things for my mind and soul!
  • ilookthetype
    ilookthetype Posts: 3,021 Member
    Everyone elses' opinion of me is 1] none of my business and 2] not worth it to be concerned about.
    I so love that you wrote "none of my business" and not "none of their business." It's a subtle yet crucial difference.


    Accepting and welcoming that idea has done amazing things for my mind and soul!

    I love both of you. MK, I agree, I had to figure that out, too.
  • sillygoose1977
    sillygoose1977 Posts: 2,151 Member
    Divorced twice before 30. Who cares? Of course there are justifications behind it but I don't normally feel the need to explain them to anyone. It's MY life.
  • april_beth
    april_beth Posts: 616 Member
    Ummmm...who cares what the social stigmas may or may not be. It's supposed to be a decision for YOU, not for society. Society doesnt give a rats *kitten* if youre miserable in your marriage and youre only staying married so you, ohmygosh, dont look bad.

    bottom line: who cares what others think. this is YOUR life.
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