The "right" age / time to have kids?!?

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  • Improvised
    Improvised Posts: 925 Member
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    I disagree that 21 is too young. I had my first at that age, and it was perfect. I was/am young and strong, and my body can handle the stress very well. Not so sure I will be that stong when I'm in my 30's or 40's (who knows?), so now seems to be the right time for me. I was ready emotionally too.
  • debussyschild
    debussyschild Posts: 804 Member
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    I'm 24, almost 25, and my husband is 28, nearing 29. We are SOOOOO happy that we don't have kids yet. Fortunately, we don't get a lot of pressure from our families to have kids, which is nice. Everyone in my family is in favor of us waiting, since most of them had their children early. They all wish they'd waited! We have our personal reasons for waiting, but mostly it's because there are things we want to do that will be much easier to do before children. Another thing is money and careers. I just got a job in my field (music education) and I want to be able to make advances in my career and get myself into a more stable position before I have my first child.

    Children are wonderful and I would LOVE to have one now, but while my natural instincts are screaming "have a kid, now!" my own personal instincts are saying "what's the rush?!" It's up to you and your husband and only YOU TWO will know when the right time to have kids will be. Mom and dad can WAIT to become gramma and grandpa just a little while longer if that's what you want.

    Edit to add: It's important to acknowledge, in the wake of all this discussion, then, the importance of birth control. If you're not planning on having kids, use it!!!!!! But also be aware, it is not fool proof. As long as you and your husband are having sex, there is a possibility for you to become pregnant. That's a risk you'll have to run and a reality you need to be ready for... Accident--but loved!!--babies happen ALL THE TIME, even when using birth control in the manner directed.
  • TheCats_Meow
    TheCats_Meow Posts: 438 Member
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    I had my first child when I was 21 and I *thought* I was ready then, too.

    However much I love my now two children to this day, I can 100% look back and say I was NOT ready for a child at 21 regardless of how ready I thought I was. For me, personally, anything under 25 is viewed as too young. Again, this is my personal opinion.

    I seriously advise all my younger friends to wait until they're at least 25+ before the kid discussion even begins. There's nothing wrong with going against the grain and waiting until you're older, both physically, emotionally and mentally, to have children. In fact, I think it would benefit everyone involved if people waited until they were older. I know I sure would've benefited had I waited until my late 20's at the earliest.

    You're young still. You've got plenty of life left to live. I'm on the downhill slope to 30 and I still have a lot more living left to do!

    Take your financial security and see all those places you want to see, do the things you want to do because when you do have kids, the availability of doing all those things decreases dramatically. Date night with your s/o becomes a rare occurence, not an all the time thing, going out by yourself just because you want to goes out the window, too. There are so many other factors you have to consider when you have kids.

    I'm not saying kids are a burden, they're not. They're a joy, but so is being in your 20's, being stable and being able to do what you want.

    Live YOUR life before you try to raise another human being.

    Good luck, sweetie! :flowerforyou:
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    Keep waiting. At 21, your "real" adulthood has just barely gotten started. You have more than a decade left before you need to even start to worry about procreation challenges, you are going to learn SO much about yourself and your boyfriend (don't you want him to be your husband before he's somone's father?) in the coming years. Just wait, and enjoy sleeping through the night and spending your income on yourself. Then when you think you're going to give in to the external pressure, wait two more years.


    Patti said exactly what I was thinking....someone has been pressuring you since you were 17!!?@$#>!&@! That person should back off.

    Having a kid is not something to do because someone else wants you to. They won't be the one parenting that child, you will. It should be something you do because you really want to, not something to do because of external pressure.
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
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    Personally I think having kids without getting married is very dangerous. Having children tends to pull people apart rather than make the relationship stronger because it's so stressful. Besides 21 is young life your life =] sounds like you're very smart and understand this, he'll understand if you're not ready!

    And this. You can't even begin to guess at the strain a baby puts on your relationship. It is absolutely make or break.
  • PecanTanDiva
    PecanTanDiva Posts: 162
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    if you are having second thoughts.. its safe to say you are not ready : /


    I agree....Also there is not a set time / right age to have children... (I had my twins at 21 and my husband was 30 at the time)
  • jacquelyn_erika
    jacquelyn_erika Posts: 524 Member
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    when you are ready, you won't have to post on an internet forum to figure out if you are ready.

    this
  • kenyonsmom10
    kenyonsmom10 Posts: 97 Member
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    No one is every "ready" in all aspects of life to have a child. As long as you feel that you will be able to provide for your child(ren) and give them the love they need, then it is the right time. There is no set age or time in life that is BEST.... If your lifestyle can accomodate a child and you know you can love and support them, why not? I became pregnant at 22 years old and I have the best 2 year old ever :) We were no where near ready, nor did we want a child at the time, but it happened! It has been the biggest blessing in our lives.
  • goldfinger88
    goldfinger88 Posts: 686 Member
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    Having never had kids, I'm probably the last person to reply to this. But I will anyway. Physically the time to have them is when you're young, strong and healthy. But you also want to have them when you can afford at least the basics to raise them such as medical care, food, clothing. It's a big decision and one that you both should think over. What's more, it's unlikely your boy friend or husband will be there for the long haul. You've got to face reality. That will leave you to deal with the raising of the kids. So, the onus is on you long term.

    Truth is, there's no right time to have kids -- just a better time. But I think that before 30 is certainly the best time if all else in is some semblance of order. You don't want to wait too long and be old when your kids are young. At least, I don't think that's smart or good for the kids. They deserve young, strong, financially stable parents.
  • Sd0510
    Sd0510 Posts: 295 Member
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    21 is not too young at all, but it is when you are ready. I had my son when I was 18, but my fiance and I decided we were both ready for one, and it's been great! We were never the kind to go out and party, so we was ready to settle down already, and it was right FOR US. On the other hand, there may be people that do not want to settle down and have kids until they are 30 or older, because they are just not ready for it.
    It comes down to you and your boyfriend. If you both think you are honestly ready, then go for it. There is nothing holding you back. If one of you isn't ready, then wait until you are ready. Don't make the baby a regret if you aren't ready.
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
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    21 is too young.

    I'm glad my mom didn't think 21 was too young. She had four children in 6 years and started at 19. I wouldn't have my some of my siblings. Yes, it was a different time, but to put an exact age on when the perfect time for having a baby is hard for me to swallow.

    The perfect time is when it happens. It's when you and your husband feel it's right. For me, the right time was when I was 28. For my daughter, the right time was when she was 22. At 22 my daughter is making out to be a wonderful mother. She knows right from wrong. She knows good from bad. She will pass on her wisdom, love, and care to her daughter.

    My thoughts on your question is ... if you're asking, maybe now isn't the right time. But as a PP wrote, if you're waiting until the perfect time, it just won't happen.
  • Phoenix1401
    Phoenix1401 Posts: 711 Member
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    21 is waaay to young! wait till you're 25 or 26! @ 25 I want to get maried and @ 26 I want to have my first child
  • MikeInAZ
    MikeInAZ Posts: 483 Member
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    2 sides of the coin. If you have a kid at 22, they will be out of the house when you are say 45...That's not bad, you get to have an adult life for awhile before retirement. However, you are young now and you can do a lot of living before you get bogged down with a mortgage, jobs, kids, car payments, day care, money worries, etc..

    I had my first kid at 31 and the second at 33. I didn't take advantage of my younger, free-er self. I didn't travel, I didn't go out or do crazy things. . Instead, I played house (yes, I moved in with my girlfriend -now wife), got a dog, had a full time job, bought a house and basically went from a college kid to an adult in 1 year. I never did any of those things a 20 something year old should do. I'm now almost 40 and look back with some regret.

    I say, wait until you're about 28-30 and live it up right now. You're barely legal enough to drink. Go out, travel, go to Europe, go to some concerts, stay out late, eat at a nice restaurant. Because when the kids come, you can kiss all those things good bye!

    - Mike
  • kmbrooks15
    kmbrooks15 Posts: 941 Member
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    There is no "right" age...it's going to be different for everyone. My sister had her first at 22 (she got pregnant about a month after her wedding!); I know others who have waiting until well into their 30s.

    I think you will KNOW when the time is right. I agree with others who have said you should definitely be married...kids need the stability of knowing mom and dad are committed to each other. You need to make sure you both are on the same page as to the timing. And it's just something you'll feel in your gut. If you have any hesitation, then wait a year and reexamine it at that time.
  • Improvised
    Improvised Posts: 925 Member
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    when you are ready, you won't have to post on an internet forum to figure out if you are ready.

    this
    Too true.
  • debussyschild
    debussyschild Posts: 804 Member
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    if you are having second thoughts.. its safe to say you are not ready : /

    ^^^ Agreed. There are some women who know they want to have children early. My mother was one of them. She had my brother at 17 and me at 20. She claims it was the best decision for her, but only she can know that. If you have doubts, there is absolutely no harm in waiting.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    There is no right age. Just right circumstances. When you are financially able, mature and intelligent enough to raise a child, go for it.
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
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    Warning...I am not trying to be holier than thou, as I did not wait to have sex until I was married, haha...but...if you are having sex than you are saying you are ready, because there is never a 100% chance that whatever birth control you are using is going to keep you from getting pregnant. That said, I was 27 when I became pregnant with my first and only son...was I ready? Hell no. But when I had him, I was. He's going to be 6 in April...he rocks!
  • racheljoanne
    racheljoanne Posts: 48
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    Thanks for the comments everyone :)
    i know my bf and i will be together for a long time, were a good match and we have talked about marriage and having kids a lot, im thinking about it TOO much at the minute i guess :/
    im not trying to figure out if i'm ready, because i know im not, i guess im just asking for other peoples stories and opinions so thanks to everyone who has given a useful comment!
  • soccer8s
    soccer8s Posts: 331 Member
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    I think 21 is way too young...live a little, go out, get all the "kid" out of you....do stuff...

    I had my first at 29 and I think it was awesome...could have been a couple years sooner, but I think it was good.

    If you "plan" it, you are never going to be ready...but wait a few years....get a bigger place, do your research about daycare or one of you quitting your job or doing just a part time job....

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