The "right" age / time to have kids?!?

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  • Ashley_Panda
    Ashley_Panda Posts: 1,404 Member
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    There's no particular time. I was married at 19, pregnant at 21, have a perfect two year old boy and pregnant again with our princess. But I always wanted to get married and have kids young. :)
  • Tonnina
    Tonnina Posts: 979 Member
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    I think the right time to have kids is 3 to 5+ years after marriage and when the both of you are ready for the responsibility of being parents. Yes kids are expensive and they will never stop being expensive. Once you are a parent you are a parent until you die. It's not just for 18-20 years. You must be ready space wise, financially, mentally, and physically.
    I'm going to be 23 next month and my husband is 28. We have been married for 3 years and still don't have children. We have a one bedroom tiny apartment with less than 250sqft of living space. I'm in college and he has a really cr@p job so we are in no way ready for kids financially. Mentally my husband doesn't want spawn at all, but I want one. I must wait for him to come around for it, he is getting closer and closer. He's more and more okay with it each day. Physically I need to lose more weight and then we can have a kiddo. My husband will probably 32 or so when we have kids.
    I think that being older than 26 and younger than 35 is the perfect times to have kids.
  • racheljoanne
    racheljoanne Posts: 48
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    his parents also laugh at me when i say "there are other things we need to do before having kids"
    they laugh and say il keep adding things to the list once something gets checked off.

    they had their first child (my bf) at 18 and they also have 2 girls, i think they are just very set in there ways and think everyone should do things their way :/
  • kjannan
    kjannan Posts: 248 Member
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    I had my daughter at 24 & I felt waaaay too young. It didn't help that I got pregnant to a drunken loser who didn't love me. It was an accident but I thought a baby would bring us closer together & we could work but it had completely the opposite effect. We were a dysfunctional couple who are now trying to make it work as a dysfunctional ex-couple sharing a kid. It's a struggle!

    12 years later I'm 36 & I like to think I'm still quite a young mother to my 12 year old. We share clothes now I've lost weight & we listen to a lot of the same music. I still have the energy to get out & do stuff with her, I feel sorry for the parents that don't.

    If you're questioning whether you're ready then wait. You're still young & have many years to have babies. I personally wouldn't do it again without a ring on my finger. Hence the reason for no other kids, I haven't found a man worth sharing a baby with since.
  • Ocarina
    Ocarina Posts: 1,550 Member
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    My battle plan for children is a very loosely written one but is going to hold the best odds.

    1. Get married. Check. (obviously to a good man which I accomplished early!)
    2. Graduate and finish school. About half way done with this. Maybe work a couple years.
    3. Turn 30. This is the golden number for me for some reason. I'm 23 and feel like a immature idiot still to have a kid!
    4. Decreased debt/increase income to pay for children expenses. This comes with time and a bit of luck.

    These 4 things are what I call crucial for putting a child into the world. You do not and will not ever be 100% ready unless you are a millionaire with a great husband! Nope. You should be as prepared as possible though and make the most of your youth before settling down to have children. I really am milking my free time right now with sleeping in, spending money on selfish things, going out and having fun, and just plain being young and care free. (to an extent of course).

    You cannot choose exactly how your life will turn out but you sure can set yourself up for the highest success with some good old planning and hard work. So for you I recommend waiting a few years and getting married! That's just me though.
  • CharityEaton
    CharityEaton Posts: 508
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    I think you need to figure out what YOU want to do with your life. Do you want to go out and travle and do those type of things??? If so, do it before kids. If those things are not important to you but having a family is, then don't worry about "experiencing life" there are many was to experience life and to be honest, sharing some of those times WITH a child are far more memorable then sharing them with yourself our even a spouse/boyfriend. There is nothing that can compare to seeing the world through the eyes of a child!
    I am 100% for you figuring out what you want to do with your life.

    I got married at 19...had never lived on my own, but all my life I wanted to be a wife and mom! I knew we needed to wait a few years to start a family and I did. I did a tiny bit of the going out scene from 19-22 years old. I decided to get pregnant and never looked back. This was the first summer we took all 3 kids on a major vacation(first vacation in 6 years for my husband and I) ......at no time have we ever felt like we missed out on life. We enjoy every second of parenting...even the parts where we got no sleep, got puked or pooped on and everything in our house has now become a jungle gym.
    BUT my sister waited. She got married, traveled, has a good job, her hubby is a doctor. He is 30 she is almost 30 and they just had their first child. They wanted to do all of those things BEFORE the baby because now my sister can focus on being a mom, but she wanted to travel and do those things too so she did it before the baby because she know how hard it will be now with the baby!
  • thankyou4thevenom
    thankyou4thevenom Posts: 1,581 Member
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    Never
  • mznisaelaine
    mznisaelaine Posts: 2,262 Member
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    I'm 21 and having children isn't ideal for my life and it shouldn't be ideal for most 21 year olds... We are young and are still discovering ourselves in terms as adults... Some of us are students, employees, still looking at caterer opputunities, etc and this is the age to become more mature and independent as adults... Even if someone has been in a long term relationship at 21 does not mean that having a baby is ok... When your ready, your ready...I just figured for myself, 21 definitely no children... I would like to be married first for a while then make the decision to have children with whoever my future husband may be... Basically, I want to have my degrees, my established career, a house, and being able to afford everything, and being married before I decide to have a child. Don't let anyone pressure you :)
  • busyPK
    busyPK Posts: 3,788 Member
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    Like everyone has said - there is no "right" time. My thoughts are if you are in a stable relationship where both people want kids, have a job your enjoy and that pays the bills and are ready to put someone else before yourself then you are ready. I had my now 2 year old at 23 years old and I was ready. My second came 20 months later and I, again, was ready. I love being a mother, but it is a very hard job (and I work a FT corporate job as well). I was a nanny throughout college, but having your own children is so much different.

    Edit to add - also owned a house by the time I had my 1st child.
  • racheljoanne
    racheljoanne Posts: 48
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    I think you need to figure out what YOU want to do with your life. Do you want to go out and travle and do those type of things??? If so, do it before kids. If those things are not important to you but having a family is, then don't worry about "experiencing life" there are many was to experience life and to be honest, sharing some of those times WITH a child are far more memorable then sharing them with yourself our even a spouse/boyfriend. There is nothing that can compare to seeing the world through the eyes of a child!
    I am 100% for you figuring out what you want to do with your life.

    I got married at 19...had never lived on my own, but all my life I wanted to be a wife and mom! I knew we needed to wait a few years to start a family and I did. I did a tiny bit of the going out scene from 19-22 years old. I decided to get pregnant and never looked back. This was the first summer we took all 3 kids on a major vacation(first vacation in 6 years for my husband and I) ......at no time have we ever felt like we missed out on life. We enjoy every second of parenting...even the parts where we got no sleep, got puked or pooped on and everything in our house has now become a jungle gym.
    BUT my sister waited. She got married, traveled, has a good job, her hubby is a doctor. He is 30 she is almost 30 and they just had their first child. They wanted to do all of those things BEFORE the baby because now my sister can focus on being a mom, but she wanted to travel and do those things too so she did it before the baby because she know how hard it will be now with the baby!




    This is a great comparison, i think i fall somewhere between the two of you. i personally couldnt imagine being 30 and still having no kids but i know there is no rush :) we'll just see what happens
  • Articeluvsmemphis
    Articeluvsmemphis Posts: 1,987 Member
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    well in my opinion notice "opinion" you're not ready for that commitment if you haven't made the marriage commitment. then I think once that is done, you two will be ready to say that kids is a decision based solely on the needs of your family(you and him) not others around you.
  • Amy_B
    Amy_B Posts: 2,323 Member
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    Personally I think having kids without getting married is very dangerous. Having children tends to pull people apart rather than make the relationship stronger because it's so stressful. Besides 21 is young life your life =] sounds like you're very smart and understand this, he'll understand if you're not ready!
    I kind of have to agree here. I think it would be better if you are married. I know that's kind of old-fashioned, but I just think it's best. Also, I would try to do a few more things with your life. We started having kids when I was 24. We only had one income. It was hard, and I still get jealous sometimes of my friends who don't have kids and can afford to do what they want. I love my kids to pieces, but every now and then, I wish I had waited to do a few more things first (like get out of debt and travel). :smile:
  • Helice
    Helice Posts: 1,075 Member
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    I dont plan to have kids until im about 30, i hate babies and am terrified of the idea of giving birth..
    I only want kids to pass on my genes..
  • bcampbell54
    bcampbell54 Posts: 932 Member
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    This should fit in with other life decisions, as I think others have said.
    While you both seem stable, you're not independently wealthy, so get married first.
    If you wait for the "ideal" time, you may never have kids, so get your bills paid up, have a good little knot in the bank, and be able to live off his income alone for awhile. You can test this by saving all your income for 6 months.
    If I had to give an arbitrary age, I would say not before around 25, pending all the other things happening.
    My first was at age 34, and I had my most recent child at age 57 (this year) so I'm a little unconventional, I guess.
    But I do know that the SECOND WORST reason to have a child is because it is expected of you by others.
    The forest worst reason is because you think it will keep you and your spouse together.
  • bcampbell54
    bcampbell54 Posts: 932 Member
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    You can test this by saving all your income for 6 months.

    But I do know that the SECOND WORST reason to have a child is because it is expected of you by others.
    The forest worst reason is because you think it will keep you and your spouse together.
    PROOFREADING is my friend:
    By "your" income, I meant yours personally, not all of both of your incomes.
    And "forest" means first.
    Sheesh.
  • SeaSiren1
    SeaSiren1 Posts: 242 Member
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    My battle plan for children is a very loosely written one but is going to hold the best odds.

    1. Get married. Check. (obviously to a good man which I accomplished early!)
    2. Graduate and finish school. About half way done with this. Maybe work a couple years.
    3. Turn 30. This is the golden number for me for some reason. I'm 23 and feel like a immature idiot still to have a kid!
    4. Decreased debt/increase income to pay for children expenses. This comes with time and a bit of luck.

    These 4 things are what I call crucial for putting a child into the world. You do not and will not ever be 100% ready unless you are a millionaire with a great husband! Nope. You should be as prepared as possible though and make the most of your youth before settling down to have children. I really am milking my free time right now with sleeping in, spending money on selfish things, going out and having fun, and just plain being young and care free. (to an extent of course).

    You cannot choose exactly how your life will turn out but you sure can set yourself up for the highest success with some good old planning and hard work. So for you I recommend waiting a few years and getting married! That's just me though.

    This is the exact plan I tell my children.

    I love my children more than life and want the world for them. Although I would not change a thing about my past, I know having children young was very, very, difficult (from age 18-25). I had all the energy in the world, but not the income and education that I needed and subsiquently had to put on hold. They are ages 21-15 now. At age 39 I had another child and my body took the hit, one I won't recover from (a genetic issue for me, not necessarily an age one). However, I have infinite patience now and with the maturity, it is so easy to raise her and value every second. In an ideal world I would have had the children beginning at age 30.
  • HeidiMightyRawr
    HeidiMightyRawr Posts: 3,343 Member
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    For me all of these: (I'm 21, my bf is 25)

    When I've finished uni and have our own place (bought, not rented)
    When we're married.
    When we are financially stable, with him in a secure job. (I do wish to be a working parent, but not immediately)
    When we are both 100% emotionally ready to deal with all the other things that kids bring. At the moment we are both far to selfish to care for anything other than ourselves and our dog :)

    I don't have a minimum age, as long as I'm responsible enough, feel ready for it and have all the other things :) I'm thinking for me that'll be 25-30.
    Definitely do not have one just because others put pressure on you. Kids are a huge responsibility and it should be you and your partners decision to have them, and only yours :)
  • fitplease
    fitplease Posts: 647 Member
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    A boyfriend does not have the same commitment level as a husband. I would wait until you find a man willing to commit to you for life, before you bring other lives into this world. It is hard on kids when parents split up.

    When you have a kid, you are bonded to the man for a good portion of your life, whether good, bad, or ugly. You also have a responsibility to the kid to make sure he knows both his families...how will you navigate this when the commitment level is still not that deep between you?
  • puggleperson
    puggleperson Posts: 740 Member
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    If you say you are stable you should be married first before having kids. I also think 21 is waayyy too young, not because of maturity but because I could never imagined being tied down with such an annoying responsibility so young. I always thought i'd have kids at the age of 25..I'm 31 now and I still don't have kids. I will be married in October though so I will try then.. There is no right time but I am old fashion and believe you should be married.... .

    Another piece of advice... babies are cute but watch someones toddlers for a a couple days,... it's non stop crazieness!!

    Please excuse my spelling ;)
  • Syreeta6
    Syreeta6 Posts: 377 Member
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    I think 21 is too young. I am 26 and haven't been married 2 years yet but have been w/my husband for 7. He is 2 years older than me, and wants to have first baby before or at 30. I think that's fair, but if it were up to me I'd wait as long as I can! lol
    I don't party a lot either, only occasionally but my husband and I are very active and always on the go, so it is just hard for me to picture having to take care and worry about the care of another one (besides my dog)
    Once they're here, they're here to stay and you can't give em back! Enjoy your youth at least wait until 23.

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