The "right" age / time to have kids?!?
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There's no particular time. I was married at 19, pregnant at 21, have a perfect two year old boy and pregnant again with our princess. But I always wanted to get married and have kids young.
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I think the right time to have kids is 3 to 5+ years after marriage and when the both of you are ready for the responsibility of being parents. Yes kids are expensive and they will never stop being expensive. Once you are a parent you are a parent until you die. It's not just for 18-20 years. You must be ready space wise, financially, mentally, and physically.
I'm going to be 23 next month and my husband is 28. We have been married for 3 years and still don't have children. We have a one bedroom tiny apartment with less than 250sqft of living space. I'm in college and he has a really cr@p job so we are in no way ready for kids financially. Mentally my husband doesn't want spawn at all, but I want one. I must wait for him to come around for it, he is getting closer and closer. He's more and more okay with it each day. Physically I need to lose more weight and then we can have a kiddo. My husband will probably 32 or so when we have kids.
I think that being older than 26 and younger than 35 is the perfect times to have kids.0 -
his parents also laugh at me when i say "there are other things we need to do before having kids"
they laugh and say il keep adding things to the list once something gets checked off.
they had their first child (my bf) at 18 and they also have 2 girls, i think they are just very set in there ways and think everyone should do things their way
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I had my daughter at 24 & I felt waaaay too young. It didn't help that I got pregnant to a drunken loser who didn't love me. It was an accident but I thought a baby would bring us closer together & we could work but it had completely the opposite effect. We were a dysfunctional couple who are now trying to make it work as a dysfunctional ex-couple sharing a kid. It's a struggle!
12 years later I'm 36 & I like to think I'm still quite a young mother to my 12 year old. We share clothes now I've lost weight & we listen to a lot of the same music. I still have the energy to get out & do stuff with her, I feel sorry for the parents that don't.
If you're questioning whether you're ready then wait. You're still young & have many years to have babies. I personally wouldn't do it again without a ring on my finger. Hence the reason for no other kids, I haven't found a man worth sharing a baby with since.0 -
My battle plan for children is a very loosely written one but is going to hold the best odds.
1. Get married. Check. (obviously to a good man which I accomplished early!)
2. Graduate and finish school. About half way done with this. Maybe work a couple years.
3. Turn 30. This is the golden number for me for some reason. I'm 23 and feel like a immature idiot still to have a kid!
4. Decreased debt/increase income to pay for children expenses. This comes with time and a bit of luck.
These 4 things are what I call crucial for putting a child into the world. You do not and will not ever be 100% ready unless you are a millionaire with a great husband! Nope. You should be as prepared as possible though and make the most of your youth before settling down to have children. I really am milking my free time right now with sleeping in, spending money on selfish things, going out and having fun, and just plain being young and care free. (to an extent of course).
You cannot choose exactly how your life will turn out but you sure can set yourself up for the highest success with some good old planning and hard work. So for you I recommend waiting a few years and getting married! That's just me though.0 -
I think you need to figure out what YOU want to do with your life. Do you want to go out and travle and do those type of things??? If so, do it before kids. If those things are not important to you but having a family is, then don't worry about "experiencing life" there are many was to experience life and to be honest, sharing some of those times WITH a child are far more memorable then sharing them with yourself our even a spouse/boyfriend. There is nothing that can compare to seeing the world through the eyes of a child!
I am 100% for you figuring out what you want to do with your life.
I got married at 19...had never lived on my own, but all my life I wanted to be a wife and mom! I knew we needed to wait a few years to start a family and I did. I did a tiny bit of the going out scene from 19-22 years old. I decided to get pregnant and never looked back. This was the first summer we took all 3 kids on a major vacation(first vacation in 6 years for my husband and I) ......at no time have we ever felt like we missed out on life. We enjoy every second of parenting...even the parts where we got no sleep, got puked or pooped on and everything in our house has now become a jungle gym.
BUT my sister waited. She got married, traveled, has a good job, her hubby is a doctor. He is 30 she is almost 30 and they just had their first child. They wanted to do all of those things BEFORE the baby because now my sister can focus on being a mom, but she wanted to travel and do those things too so she did it before the baby because she know how hard it will be now with the baby!0 -
Never0
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I'm 21 and having children isn't ideal for my life and it shouldn't be ideal for most 21 year olds... We are young and are still discovering ourselves in terms as adults... Some of us are students, employees, still looking at caterer opputunities, etc and this is the age to become more mature and independent as adults... Even if someone has been in a long term relationship at 21 does not mean that having a baby is ok... When your ready, your ready...I just figured for myself, 21 definitely no children... I would like to be married first for a while then make the decision to have children with whoever my future husband may be... Basically, I want to have my degrees, my established career, a house, and being able to afford everything, and being married before I decide to have a child. Don't let anyone pressure you 0
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Like everyone has said - there is no "right" time. My thoughts are if you are in a stable relationship where both people want kids, have a job your enjoy and that pays the bills and are ready to put someone else before yourself then you are ready. I had my now 2 year old at 23 years old and I was ready. My second came 20 months later and I, again, was ready. I love being a mother, but it is a very hard job (and I work a FT corporate job as well). I was a nanny throughout college, but having your own children is so much different.
Edit to add - also owned a house by the time I had my 1st child.0 -
I think you need to figure out what YOU want to do with your life. Do you want to go out and travle and do those type of things??? If so, do it before kids. If those things are not important to you but having a family is, then don't worry about "experiencing life" there are many was to experience life and to be honest, sharing some of those times WITH a child are far more memorable then sharing them with yourself our even a spouse/boyfriend. There is nothing that can compare to seeing the world through the eyes of a child!
I am 100% for you figuring out what you want to do with your life.
I got married at 19...had never lived on my own, but all my life I wanted to be a wife and mom! I knew we needed to wait a few years to start a family and I did. I did a tiny bit of the going out scene from 19-22 years old. I decided to get pregnant and never looked back. This was the first summer we took all 3 kids on a major vacation(first vacation in 6 years for my husband and I) ......at no time have we ever felt like we missed out on life. We enjoy every second of parenting...even the parts where we got no sleep, got puked or pooped on and everything in our house has now become a jungle gym.
BUT my sister waited. She got married, traveled, has a good job, her hubby is a doctor. He is 30 she is almost 30 and they just had their first child. They wanted to do all of those things BEFORE the baby because now my sister can focus on being a mom, but she wanted to travel and do those things too so she did it before the baby because she know how hard it will be now with the baby!
This is a great comparison, i think i fall somewhere between the two of you. i personally couldnt imagine being 30 and still having no kids but i know there is no rush we'll just see what happens 0 -
well in my opinion notice "opinion" you're not ready for that commitment if you haven't made the marriage commitment. then I think once that is done, you two will be ready to say that kids is a decision based solely on the needs of your family(you and him) not others around you.0
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I kind of have to agree here. I think it would be better if you are married. I know that's kind of old-fashioned, but I just think it's best. Also, I would try to do a few more things with your life. We started having kids when I was 24. We only had one income. It was hard, and I still get jealous sometimes of my friends who don't have kids and can afford to do what they want. I love my kids to pieces, but every now and then, I wish I had waited to do a few more things first (like get out of debt and travel).Personally I think having kids without getting married is very dangerous. Having children tends to pull people apart rather than make the relationship stronger because it's so stressful. Besides 21 is young life your life =] sounds like you're very smart and understand this, he'll understand if you're not ready! 0 -
I dont plan to have kids until im about 30, i hate babies and am terrified of the idea of giving birth..
I only want kids to pass on my genes..0 -
This should fit in with other life decisions, as I think others have said.
While you both seem stable, you're not independently wealthy, so get married first.
If you wait for the "ideal" time, you may never have kids, so get your bills paid up, have a good little knot in the bank, and be able to live off his income alone for awhile. You can test this by saving all your income for 6 months.
If I had to give an arbitrary age, I would say not before around 25, pending all the other things happening.
My first was at age 34, and I had my most recent child at age 57 (this year) so I'm a little unconventional, I guess.
But I do know that the SECOND WORST reason to have a child is because it is expected of you by others.
The forest worst reason is because you think it will keep you and your spouse together.0 -
PROOFREADING is my friend:You can test this by saving all your income for 6 months.
But I do know that the SECOND WORST reason to have a child is because it is expected of you by others.
The forest worst reason is because you think it will keep you and your spouse together.
By "your" income, I meant yours personally, not all of both of your incomes.
And "forest" means first.
Sheesh.0 -
My battle plan for children is a very loosely written one but is going to hold the best odds.
1. Get married. Check. (obviously to a good man which I accomplished early!)
2. Graduate and finish school. About half way done with this. Maybe work a couple years.
3. Turn 30. This is the golden number for me for some reason. I'm 23 and feel like a immature idiot still to have a kid!
4. Decreased debt/increase income to pay for children expenses. This comes with time and a bit of luck.
These 4 things are what I call crucial for putting a child into the world. You do not and will not ever be 100% ready unless you are a millionaire with a great husband! Nope. You should be as prepared as possible though and make the most of your youth before settling down to have children. I really am milking my free time right now with sleeping in, spending money on selfish things, going out and having fun, and just plain being young and care free. (to an extent of course).
You cannot choose exactly how your life will turn out but you sure can set yourself up for the highest success with some good old planning and hard work. So for you I recommend waiting a few years and getting married! That's just me though.
This is the exact plan I tell my children.
I love my children more than life and want the world for them. Although I would not change a thing about my past, I know having children young was very, very, difficult (from age 18-25). I had all the energy in the world, but not the income and education that I needed and subsiquently had to put on hold. They are ages 21-15 now. At age 39 I had another child and my body took the hit, one I won't recover from (a genetic issue for me, not necessarily an age one). However, I have infinite patience now and with the maturity, it is so easy to raise her and value every second. In an ideal world I would have had the children beginning at age 30.0 -
For me all of these: (I'm 21, my bf is 25)
When I've finished uni and have our own place (bought, not rented)
When we're married.
When we are financially stable, with him in a secure job. (I do wish to be a working parent, but not immediately)
When we are both 100% emotionally ready to deal with all the other things that kids bring. At the moment we are both far to selfish to care for anything other than ourselves and our dog
I don't have a minimum age, as long as I'm responsible enough, feel ready for it and have all the other things I'm thinking for me that'll be 25-30.
Definitely do not have one just because others put pressure on you. Kids are a huge responsibility and it should be you and your partners decision to have them, and only yours 0 -
A boyfriend does not have the same commitment level as a husband. I would wait until you find a man willing to commit to you for life, before you bring other lives into this world. It is hard on kids when parents split up.
When you have a kid, you are bonded to the man for a good portion of your life, whether good, bad, or ugly. You also have a responsibility to the kid to make sure he knows both his families...how will you navigate this when the commitment level is still not that deep between you?0 -
If you say you are stable you should be married first before having kids. I also think 21 is waayyy too young, not because of maturity but because I could never imagined being tied down with such an annoying responsibility so young. I always thought i'd have kids at the age of 25..I'm 31 now and I still don't have kids. I will be married in October though so I will try then.. There is no right time but I am old fashion and believe you should be married.... .
Another piece of advice... babies are cute but watch someones toddlers for a a couple days,... it's non stop crazieness!!
Please excuse my spelling
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I think 21 is too young. I am 26 and haven't been married 2 years yet but have been w/my husband for 7. He is 2 years older than me, and wants to have first baby before or at 30. I think that's fair, but if it were up to me I'd wait as long as I can! lol
I don't party a lot either, only occasionally but my husband and I are very active and always on the go, so it is just hard for me to picture having to take care and worry about the care of another one (besides my dog)
Once they're here, they're here to stay and you can't give em back! Enjoy your youth at least wait until 23.0 -
IMHO, 21 is too young to have a child by choice, especially if you are single/unmarried.
There is a HUGE gulf between thinking you will be with your BOYFRIEND for life & the two of you making the commitment of being married. It is a little odd that his parents have been suggesting children to you since you were a teenager. The world has changed greatly since they had children at 18 and there are many more opportunities for young women.
What do you really want to do with your life? Travel, education, hang out with friends, build a stock portfolio/rainy day fund, etc.? Those are the questions you should answer first.0 -
Since you are not already pregnant, maybe consider checking out what the cost of raising a child is in your area. Then plan to save that amount from your income(s) and see if living on what is left is still comfortable. Then you'll have a nest egg to start you off.
The breakdown of parental spending by different years of a child’s life is as follows:
• 1st year - £9,491
• Years 1 to 4 - £53,586 (£13,397 a year for these years)
• Years 5 to 10 - £56,856 (£9,476 a year)
• Years 11 to 17 - £47,820 (£6,831 a year)
• Years 18 to 21 - £43,094 (£14,365 a year)
Although money isn't a great indicator of whether or not someone will be a great parent, the lack of it is a sure way of making anyone's life and/or relationships a challenge.
Good for you for considering these things before jumping into anything. :-)0 -
I am 38 years old. I was just like you......just not ready. It even got where I felt I was never gonna want them. I have entered a time in my life where all my friends kids are grown and I am working on my body to start. I would say don't wait to 38 years old. But make some goals as to what you would like to accomplish before kids, do them and then go for it....will you be getting married? That is a huge thing too.....I mean I didn't want to have kids with someone I didn't wanna be with forever....you are gonna have to see him from time to time and most my ex's well.....I prefer not to see.
Good luck0 -
is there a right time i had my first at 19 then 20 and 22 then waited and had them at 28 and 29 there isnt a right time or a wrong time just a time thats good for you when you have a stable job and can handle being off work for so many months and the sleepless nights etc etc if you want a baby then go for it if your not sure then wait0
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Wow... how did I completely miss the fact that he is your BOYFRIEND?!
Yeah, unless he puts a ring on it, no babies. That's a recipe for disaster, custody hearings, child support battles, and a whole lot of other nastiness that can be prevented.
Commit to EACH OTHER first. See how that works for a few YEARS. Then think possibly a house... babies come last!! You two are wayyy too ahead of yourselves. Slow down!0 -
Wow... how did I completely miss the fact that he is your BOYFRIEND?!
Yeah, unless he puts a ring on it, no babies. That's a recipe for disaster, custody hearings, child support battles, and a whole lot of other nastiness that can be prevented.
Commit to EACH OTHER first. See how that works for a few YEARS. Then think possibly a house... babies come last!! You two are wayyy too ahead of yourselves. Slow down!
wow reading over these a lot of people seem to think we NEED to be married first. We have been together for 5 years and we definatley want to get married some day but i never thought we would NEED to be married before having kids.
maybe a lot of you people are from a different country to me? im from the UK and around here a lot of people leave getting married until later! i dont know why but they just do.
guess this is another thing to think about!0 -
Also a lot of people seem to think i need to be out of work. I work at a nursery and will get free childcare from them when i go back to work, im not saying i plan to go back to work full time, im just saying i dont need to worry about childcare costs that much when my time does come to have a baby!0
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I don't think you NEED to leave work to have a child but you might find that you WANT to stay home, so planning for that and figuring out if/how to live on the other parent's income alone is a good strategy to see if it's possible. I thought I'd want to go back to work right away after having my son but felt COMPLETELY differently once he was here and I was home with him. I'm SOOOO glad we had planned on living on only my husband's income so that we were prepared when I could not leave my son with someone else and wanted to be home.
I think that the "is it the right time" is sort of like the "is he the one" question. If you're still asking then he's not the one type thing, you just KNOW when he's the one, and you just KNOW when it's the right time to have a child.
I wish we'd traveled more before having a child. Of course lots of people travel a ton with a child or children but it IS harder. So make sure you do the REALLY important trips you want to do before having a child.0 -
Also a lot of people seem to think i need to be out of work. I work at a nursery and will get free childcare from them when i go back to work, im not saying i plan to go back to work full time, im just saying i dont need to worry about childcare costs that much when my time does come to have a baby!
will you work there forever?0 -
Also a lot of people seem to think i need to be out of work. I work at a nursery and will get free childcare from them when i go back to work, im not saying i plan to go back to work full time, im just saying i dont need to worry about childcare costs that much when my time does come to have a baby!
I think it is very different in the US from here in the UK. From what age do your nursery take children? Also I think you will find it very different having your own baby and trying to work with other people's. Motherhood makes you crazy. Really. I thought I'd be back at work in no time, and 6 years on I have only just gone back to uni, as I am now totally unemployable. I don't know anyone who worked with children before and wasn't still knocked off their feet when they had their own.0
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