Advice For a New Mother-In-Law

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DawnOf1969
DawnOf1969 Posts: 726 Member
in Chit-Chat
So my daughter is getting married and I will become a mother-in-law in about 4 months. I dont want to be "that" mother-in-law. So...tell me the number 1 thing(s) you wish your mother-in-law didn't do, or just give me your best advice. Ready, set, GO!
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  • sarahs440
    sarahs440 Posts: 405
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    I wish she didn't whine. And she used to constantly talk about when my husband was little. That annoyed me. The things that annoy me might not annoy your soon to be son in law though, since I am a woman and tend to read in to things too much. I'm sure you will be a great MIL. Just try to stay out of their business and be there for them at the same time:) Congrats and good luck!
  • heyydanie
    heyydanie Posts: 103 Member
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    My fiancee and his mother don't have a good relationship, so I've never had one of "those" MILs.

    Unfortunately, my best friend's MIL is absolutely horrible. These are the most common things my best friend gets angry/hurt by.

    Best friend = E, Mother-in-law = T, husband = A

    - Never, under any circumstance, trash talk your DIL. T is CONSTANTLY telling A about how E does this wrong, E does that wrong. It hurts E's feelings and annoys A.

    - If they have a child, let them raise it. E has called me many times crying hysterically because T feels as if E and A's daughter is her own. T goes so far as to make doctor's appointments for baby without being asked, or notifying E or A that she's done so.

    Granted, it's your daughter that's getting married, not your son, but still, lol.

    Congrats to you and your daughter!!
  • chickybuns
    chickybuns Posts: 1,037 Member
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    Don't show up at their house unanncounced/uninvited :)
  • FriendsR4EverTreasures
    FriendsR4EverTreasures Posts: 181
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    Think about what you disliked when you became the daughter in law, use that as a guide. If you wouldn't like it, they probably won't either. I don't have son in laws only a daughter in law, I treat her with respect and support her all the way, even when she is not a happy camper with my son. I try to stay out of their lives and only visit them when I am invited, I think it's important for them to have their own lives without a third party always around. that's it!
  • karenhs2
    karenhs2 Posts: 197
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    I plan on not giving advice unless it is requested. I will also try very hard not to judge their joint decisions especially on child rearing. ie, What do you mean you aren't going to breastfeed my grandchild?! lol. I will try to be supportive and a friend and remember that they had a completely different family and upbringing.
  • agthorn
    agthorn Posts: 1,844 Member
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    Don't push your religion/politics/etc on your son-in-law. It's gotten progressively more awkward over the years when we go to my husband's parents' house...
  • Nurse_krissy
    Nurse_krissy Posts: 102 Member
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    Never bring up any of her ex's...... even if you secretly wished she had married one of them instead of the man she chose.
  • Dawn_is_getting_healthy
    Dawn_is_getting_healthy Posts: 245
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    The fact that you are aware and concerned enough to ask for advice tells me that you will be a great MIL. One piece of advice I would offer is to not judge!! My MIL always makes me feel like my house isn't clean enough, my cooking isn't good enough, etc. Nothing blatent, but just little snide comments that make me feel "less than."
  • mistresseeyore
    mistresseeyore Posts: 717 Member
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    Drink. Not like kids.
  • quietlywinning
    quietlywinning Posts: 889 Member
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    I think basic manners is the main thing. Be respectful and kind to everyone at all times. Being family or becoming family does not mean they are not entitled to being treated respectfully. It actually means they should be treated MORE respectfully than others. I remember telling my (now ex) mother-in-law that I just wished she'd treat me as nicely as she would treat a total stranger. Actually, I told my ex that HE should treat me as well as he treated total strangers, too. Thus the ex part.....and losing her was as big of a plus as losing him was! Respect. It's what you want, it's what you give. They'll both love you, then.
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
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    So my daughter is getting married and I will become a mother-in-law in about 4 months. I dont want to be "that" mother-in-law. So...tell me the number 1 thing(s) you wish your mother-in-law didn't do, or just give me your best advice. Ready, set, GO!

    Mine cleans up after my husband in our house. She's a wonderful lady, but that is really really annoying!
  • supertracylynn
    supertracylynn Posts: 1,338 Member
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    Keep in mind common courtesy is key.

    Also, don't do to them what you wouldn't want done to you.

    Golden Rule always works.
  • Deckershann
    Deckershann Posts: 272 Member
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    Well, I'm married and I love my mother-in-law. She's really cool, and similar to my mom (who I also love) so maybe don't stress! You guys might end up hitting it off really well :) Best wishes!
  • catshark209
    catshark209 Posts: 1,133 Member
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    Don't criticize his job.
    Don't bring up your daughter's ex bf's in front of him.
    Don't tell him weird stories about your daughter.
    Don't butt in when they have children or try and hog the kids from his parents.

    These are all things my ex husband suggested, my mom is horrid lol. I get along with my ex. I had to call him when I saw your post.
  • ChrissyLu723
    ChrissyLu723 Posts: 154 Member
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    Dont go to their house when she makes a meal and say "My son never ate that, or he likes this" and the best advice for not being one of those MIL's is don't do what you didn't want your MIL to do to you.
  • jalara
    jalara Posts: 2,622 Member
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    Honestly, the best thing any in-law can do is remember that their lives and their home are their own, to run and live as they see fit. It is not now, and never will be, your place to pass judgment or give unsolicited opinions. You will need to show them the same respect you would anyone else, and remember not to "mother" them, OR him - as it's now his wife's job to see to him on a daily basis. For example, don't ever use the phrase: "my son prefers this/like it this way/like it when his chicken is cooked this better" etc.

    If you do this, everything should go well!

    Congratulations!

    PS = my MIL is awesome - this is not based on her!
  • sally125
    sally125 Posts: 40 Member
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    Give it some time let it grow organically. I remember trying to prove myself I lot in the beginning and I may have been a bit over the top. My husband's mother was very kind and encouraging as I became a wife and mother. She never gave me the feeling that she knew better than me (although clearly she did) she praised all my efforts as I became a mother and told me what a great job I was doing. Which not only made me feel good it made me feel like I could go to her when I felt I needed help and I would not be judged.

    My husbands step mom did the opposite. When I became a mother she told me all the things I did wrong and how I was worrying too much etc etc. (Don't get me wrong she was right about everything and I get along with her quite well now ) It just made me feel like I was always being judged and I felt uncomfortable around her in the early years of my marriage and the things she was trying to tell me were really lesson I needed to learn on my own.


    Best of luck.
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
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    I think a general respect for their privacy and space is a good place to start. Try not to do things for them that aren't your place, or offer advice on things that aren't your business. Examples: my ex-MiL used to bring groceries over to our house (it was over a 2 hour drive) because she didn't think I was buying the right things for her son; probing questions about when you might have grandchildren are a bad idea too, at least for awhile. Your daughter will tell you when she's ready. Just respect the fact that they're an independent, grown-up, married couple now and you'll be fine. :)
  • tnvolsfan74
    tnvolsfan74 Posts: 83 Member
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    My MIL was ok....until we had our son. Then she turned into her MIL that she used to always tell me horror stories about. My husband is the baby of her kids and the only boy, so he is spoiled to say the least. She has pitted him against me (once by turning on the fake tears in the middle of a department store) when she felt she get her way with me where our son was concerned. She made a point to go to every doctor visit my son had for the longest time. Not just go to make sure things were ok, but would go in while the doctor was seeing my son and "take over" the appointment. Once, when my son was really sick we had to take him to a doctor out of town. I asked my husband to politely tell his mom that we would prefer for just he and I to go back with our son to be seen by the doctor (she went to the appointment with us). She was beside herself over this. I lost it on her that day because my son, who was 1, had been very sick for a while and was hospitalized that day. I was in no mood for her drama :grumble:

    Just allow them their space. My husband has called his mother during arguments before to give her "his side" of the story and get her opinion - literally in the middle of a disagreement. Don't let that happen - no matter how much your daughter may try and pull you into the middle of the situation. I wish she would have just told him to handle his own business, but she likes being in the middle and interject her two-cents in any given situation. I am sure you will be a great MIL. Just always keep in mind that it is their marriage and if they have children, they are their children. That's my MIL horror story :) Congrats to you and your daughter!
  • WendyFitMomCHANGED
    WendyFitMomCHANGED Posts: 311 Member
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    My MIL has all boys and I'm now the mother of all boys. The best advice she ever gave me is that as the Mother-In-Law, your only job is to wear beige and keep your mouth shut! (She cracks me up!)

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