I Lost A Friend Tonight =(
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woah.. i thought she had a heart attack.. "i lost a friend tonight
" ..totally was going to give my condolences. 0 -
woah.. i thought she had a heart attack.. "i lost a friend tonight " ..totally was going to give my condolences. 0
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All is not lost yet, she is more than likely just a bit upset because she heard what she knows to be the truth from somebody else. When she has thought about it she will realize that it had to be said. well done for doing the right thing for your friend, when she actually does something about her weight and manages to lose some of it you will be the first one she turns to for support and praise. Please don't worry, rather you lose her the way you have than lose her for good because her body gives in under all the strain - you did the right thing xxx0
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I'm sure she is off licking her wounts but she is thinking, thinking, thinking about what you said. She will come around and you will be friends again. Maybe nothing will change but you will still be there to sound off to. She'll know how you feel and that is honest. It may be 30 more false starts for her to REALLY do it but she will. You know she cares because she brings it up. BE patient. It will click and she will be off and running. And, you will be there to know you helped with a little tough love.
(((hugs ))) 0 -
*hug* It's hard but you did what you needed to. You tried to give her all the help you possibly could...you can't do it all for her...what you said was true and right, and was, infact, tough love and it was necessary. Doesn't make possibly losing a friend easier, of course, but hopefully she'll think about what you said and it will give her the kick in the rear end she needs.
it's a shame that she doesn't realize that you want to help her and wouldn't have gotten so upset if you didn't see that she is puttiner herself in danger
and it's not fair for you to have to carry the burdon of her complaining about it, then she rejects your help
I hope she comes to her senses and realizes the love with which you spoke to her0 -
A true friend is one who can hold up a virtual mirror and show us what we really 'look' like - kind of like going to try on clothes an a dressing room and having to really look at what shape you are in! Yuck! She has a choice of either refusing to go do the 'dressing room' of hearing you tell the truth, or using it to motivate herself. THAT choice is hers alone. As a friend you gave her the options. If she is a true friend, she won't be lost to you.0
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You tried your best no friend can do anymore than that. There are only so many brick walls you can bang your head against. Well done for trying.0
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"...until you decide you want to change you won't."
Most people don't like hearing this, but nothing is more true.0 -
You can only do so much and you need to look out for you too.Let her think about things and maybe what you said will let her know how much you care about her well being.My twin had a major heart attack and we almost lost her. All that saved her was the fact that she knew she was overweight and was working on it.She had lost 20 pounds and exercisng but hadn't yet given up smoking. Through hard work and determination she now a healthy person.0
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I know it is hard but all you said to her was you being a good friend. Similar situation happened to me and we didn't speak for months but eventually she came around and ultimately told me she appreciated my honesty. If you were not honest with her she would going like she was... Now she knows how you feel and at the very least be more conscious of what she eats and does. She is going to want to change and when she does shell know you will be there to support her. It's tough being a good friend... I wish I had more friends like you who give out brutal honesty (typically I play that role). Good luck0
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words and the truth sometimes hurt. However, coming from someone who went through the same thing... (I was the one being told to stop complaining..LOL) it was the best thing. Yes, the words stung but I knew that my friend only cared. I too was upset but eventually realized it was done out of love and that I had injured the friendship. If she doesn't come around-you did what a friend is supposed to do. So thanks for caring enought to be brutally honest... Those kinds of friends are few and far between!!!!!!!0
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I know it is hard but all you said to her was you being a good friend. Similar situation happened to me and we didn't speak for months but eventually she came around and ultimately told me she appreciated my honesty. If you were not honest with her she would going like she was... Now she knows how you feel and at the very least be more conscious of what she eats and does. She is going to want to change and when she does shell know you will be there to support her. It's tough being a good friend... I wish I had more friends like you who give out brutal honesty (typically I play that role). Good luck0
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:flowerforyou:
:bigsmile:
Honestly, I think you are the best friend she can have.
Friends should be able to tell each other the truth. If she's fat and you're trying to help her then she sees that every morning when she wakes up. She shouldn't expect pity for her condition because it's her fault she is there. No one forced her to live her life the way she is. It's like being an addict except some people are addicted to food... that's my issue. But like any addiction you have to want to change.
Don't beat yourself up for your friend's failure or trying to help her. You've done enough!!!0 -
If she wants to end a friendship over the truth, that is on her. You did nothing but try to help her. She opened the door for advice by complaining.... It might not have been what she wanted to hear, but...it has to be said...the truth hurts sometimes.0
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Unfortunately sometimes it takes something major for people to listen such as a heart attack. Raises my own hand. If she asked for advice and you gave it to her and it upset her then it is her that is at fault. Don't let it wear you down but don't give her advice in the future.0
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In college I had a roommate who was suicidal- I called her parents and told them what was going on with her- she was hospitolized and got better, but never spoke to me again- I always siad that it was better to have a mad former friend than a dead one. Maybe the loss of your friendship will be the kick in the pants she needs for motivation- but good for you for being strong and providing tough love!0
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In college I had a roommate who was suicidal- I called her parents and told them what was going on with her- she was hospitalized and got better, but never spoke to me again- I always siad that it was better to have a mad former friend than a dead one. Maybe the loss of your friendship will be the kick in the pants she needs for motivation- but good for you for being strong and providing tough love!0
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You did the right thing. She will think of what you said and some day will realize you were trying desperately to help her. :flowerforyou: People just do not have the right to keep complaining about something and not do anything about it. I'm with you on the tough love.0
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I think friendships are like relationships (and sometimes more important than them), which is why I think being a good friend means not trying to change your friend. You're either friends, or you're not. -You- may have changed, and because of that, she may no longer be the kind of friend that you need now. But that's your decision. Don't push your values onto her whether she grumbles or not. If you can't stand the grumbling or her unwillingness to change, then re-evaluate your friendship. You really aren't helping her with your "tough love." What you're probably doing is shaming her and making her feel worse about herself and her weight.0
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If she is a real friend you won't have lost her.
You care about her and have tried to help her, at some point it was always going to get to the stage where she had to "*kitten* or get off the pot"
Someone who wasn't a good friend to her would have listened to her complaining about her weight and health, said "Oh yes, isn't it awful, lets go for a pizza"
Some people are just a train wreck waiting to happen, you can give them a heads up and maybe lose their friendship. Or, you can stand back and watch them crash and burn. But then if you did nothing, how would you feel if she had a heart attack?
At least now if she has a heart attack (hopefully not fatal!) you can say to yourself that you did absolutely everything you could to help her.0 -
*hugs* You are a good friend
My sister and I went rounds on this. Her being overweight turned into obese and then high blood pressure and high cholestrol became a factor. She still would not change her eating habits, cause "It won't happen to me" right?
Finally when she turned 39 she had a massive brainstem stroke. Her last words as the sister I knew as she was being loaded onto the ambulance was saying over and over "Oh my God, Ryan (her son's name), I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" Although she lived (which was a miracle) She is now in a wheelchair partially paralyzed and has 24 hour care. We can't understand her very well, she needs assistance to go to the rest room, move to a chair, everything. She lives in a different world and only knows her routine. My sister died that night and left a shell of a woman. I'm still there for her, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss my big sister (and only sibling).
Strokes don't run in my family, the mindset was so wrong and this could have been prevented. And her son's life has never been the same.0 -
You did the right thing.... All too often we believe being a good friend is stroking someones ego even when they are heading in the wrong direction. I would say most of the time its okay to do that if their life is not in danger. In this situation your friend is obviously in a serious situation and needs a wake up call. I mean do people really think saying nothing and allowing your friend to slowly diminish is being a friend???? That makes no sense at all... Sometimes tough love is all we have left.0
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You've done what any friend could do, the ball is in her court.
Hopefully she has been observant to what you are doing, sometimes our actions speak louder than words and without our knowledge, we've set a good example for someone else to follow. We all have to find that starting point within ourselves before we can make changes. Encouragement along the way from friends is important, but if she isn't at that starting point yet, she may just feel nagged.
I don't want this to sound extreme, but I read an article some years ago regarding "firing your friends", and I'll have to say, a friendship I'd had with someone who was extremely pessimistic every moment of the day was one I had to discontinue. It affected my behavior and I found I wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be when I was around her. Friendships need to benefit both parties, and although your situation with her is somewhat different than what I described, maybe its time to re-evaluate your friendship with her.
Good luck and congratulations on your progress!!0 -
You've done what any friend could do, the ball is in her court.
Hopefully she has been observant to what you are doing, sometimes our actions speak louder than words and without our knowledge, we've set a good example for someone else to follow. We all have to find that starting point within ourselves before we can make changes. Encouragement along the way from friends is important, but if she isn't at that starting point yet, she may just feel nagged.
I don't want this to sound extreme, but I read an article some years ago regarding "firing your friends", and I'll have to say, a friendship I'd had with someone who was extremely pessimistic every moment of the day was one I had to discontinue. It affected my behavior and I found I wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be when I was around her. Friendships need to benefit both parties, and although your situation with her is somewhat different than what I described, maybe its time to re-evaluate your friendship with her.
Good luck and congratulations on your progress!!0 -
There was absolutely nothing wrong with what you said.
She did need to hear it. I just lost a friend due to complications that come with being overweight. It sucks because essentially they kill themselves.
I have another friend who starves herself and it's so hard to reach out to them because they refuse for the help even if it would make losing the weight SO MUCH easier! It's incredibly frustrating.
Kudos to you for having the guts to tell her what she probably needed to hear.
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*hugs* You are a good friend
My sister and I went rounds on this. Her being overweight turned into obese and then high blood pressure and high cholestrol became a factor. She still would not change her eating habits, cause "It won't happen to me" right?
Finally when she turned 39 she had a massive brainstem stroke. Her last words as the sister I knew as she was being loaded onto the ambulance was saying over and over "Oh my God, Ryan (her son's name), I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" Although she lived (which was a miracle) She is now in a wheelchair partially paralyzed and has 24 hour care. We can't understand her very well, she needs assistance to go to the rest room, move to a chair, everything. She lives in a different world and only knows her routine. My sister died that night and left a shell of a woman. I'm still there for her, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss my big sister (and only sibling).
Strokes don't run in my family, the mindset was so wrong and this could have been prevented. And her son's life has never been the same.
Wow. This is so touching. More ppl need to hear stories like this. This is REALITY.0 -
*hugs* You are a good friend
My sister and I went rounds on this. Her being overweight turned into obese and then high blood pressure and high cholestrol became a factor. She still would not change her eating habits, cause "It won't happen to me" right?
Finally when she turned 39 she had a massive brainstem stroke. Her last words as the sister I knew as she was being loaded onto the ambulance was saying over and over "Oh my God, Ryan (her son's name), I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" Although she lived (which was a miracle) She is now in a wheelchair partially paralyzed and has 24 hour care. We can't understand her very well, she needs assistance to go to the rest room, move to a chair, everything. She lives in a different world and only knows her routine. My sister died that night and left a shell of a woman. I'm still there for her, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss my big sister (and only sibling).
Strokes don't run in my family, the mindset was so wrong and this could have been prevented. And her son's life has never been the same.
I empathize with you. I really do. But please help me understand, how do you know that her diet is what caused her stroke?
I mean... I'm sure a bad diet doesn't help, but this can't be the only factor that led to her stroke. Otherwise, this would be happening to Americans all over the county.0 -
I will probably regret this in the morning but I couldn't help it. For so long I have heard a friend talk about that she has the signs of a heart attack and she realizes she's over weight. I have tried everything to help her, I have even offered to stay after work when I'm dead tired just to try to motivate her. I have gave her food suggestions, websites to use and she simply won't. So I gave up and just decided to not say anything at all. That was going good until tonight, then she started again! When I suggested the websites she just turned her nose as usual. That did it, that was my tipping point. My words were something along these lines.
Listen, I can talk to you till I'm blue in the face but until you decide you want to change you won't. Yes, its hard and yes it sucks, you just have to do it. You can't eat pizza everyday and expect to not gain weight. Don't complain to me when you won't do anything about it. I feel bad about it but good grief I am so tired of hearing it! Why would someone even complain to me when they are simply going to reject every option I offer them? Needless to say she wouldn't speak to me when she left. =( I also during the conversation told her "Don't get mad but this is some tough love and you know it is true". Ohh well, I consider part of being a friend -is being honest and I am not going to baby someone with lies! I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't get this attitude everytime I tried to help. I don't understand.... =(
I am not bashing you here but I do have a question. Did she ask for your advice? Did she say "how do you get healthy etc?" She might be complaining and that is indeed annoying but unless she asked for your input then you were out of line to tell her how to fix it. At best a question to her would have been more appropriate...ie"you vent about this a lot. Can I offer you some tips I have found helpful? If she says yes then offer what you have...if she says no then say " I understand that this topic is upsetting to you but I can't listen to the venting when we both know that you have power over this so please let's not let this be a topic between us."0 -
Sometimes being a true friend means saying the truth and hoping they realize it! I recently had a very similar situation with a friend, but instead of weight, it is a horrible marriage. I have been patient and listened to her for years and never ever said a bad word about her husband, but finally after the 3rd time he kicked her out, I told her she needed to leave! She hasn't talked to me much since then, I am hoping she still knows I love her and I will always be here for her!0
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When the student is ready the teacher will come. Not before. :flowerforyou:0
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