I feel shallow for this question but....

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  • Mickers36
    Mickers36 Posts: 84 Member
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    What does it matter what he makes financially? As long as he can pay for his own things then what's the problem. As long as you aren't looking for a man to support you then don't worry about it. Just keep your $ your and his $ his, split the bills equally if it gets to that point. If you want more financially then do it on your own, just make sure he doesn't bring you down.
  • kag1526
    kag1526 Posts: 210 Member
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    This is tough. I started dating a guy in high school. He was smart but no real ambition or plans. Decided to take some time off. I was a year behind him in school so was glad he woud be around my senior year.

    Then I graduated and I went to college. He stayed with what he was doing. He did a certificate program but all that got him was student loans, it wasn't really a college (not accredited) so not worth anything.

    He moved to be with me after a few years of college. Got a job at Target.

    We are now married. He still works at Target, I'm an engineer.

    There are days I resent this a bit and find it difficult (Mostly when I have worked a full day and came home to work on grad school for my masters and he is playing video games and the house wasn't cleaned). There are days he feels I don't value him because he doesn't make enough money and don't think that he works hard.

    Most of the time it works though. There are some benefits to this. I don't have to worry about what if his career takes a change and he would need to move for an opportunity, do I take a hit to my career for that? I make enough money where his money is just for extras so its ok by me.

    You need to decide if it will be ok with you.
  • lindac1013
    lindac1013 Posts: 5
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    You know the response...you are 25 get your life in order first, you are always number one, don't become a mommy to a man at 25.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    I am curious .. Just how intimately do you know him. Has he actually said he doesn't want to better himself, or does it just appear that way .. or that he is happy where he is and intends on staying there? Are you assuming he is going nowhere, has he confirmed that is his intention, because he is in a comfortable enough space, at least for now. What are HIS longterm goals? How do they compare to yours.

    It's a gamble as it is when choosing a life partner. People grow and change constantly .. and much of their outlook on their future depends on a few things. Contentment for one thing is a big factor. If he were in a romantic relationship, he may have a completely different outlook on life and his future goals...then again .. he may not.

    No one knows but him. If you want to gain access to a tiny glimpse on just what his 'plans' are (if he has any at all) you have to open that discussion. You won't know the answer you are looking for unless you talk about it.

    You may just to contend with the fact that some friends are meant to be just that .. just friends. Don't confuse 'loving' him with 'being in love' with him.
  • Shadowcasting
    Shadowcasting Posts: 124 Member
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    I would just ask....

    What if the question was from a guy? "I really like this girl, but I have goals and dreams. She just has a 'menial' job and is happy with that. I'm not sure I could handle that."

    At the same time, if it bothers you now, it'll bother you more later. That won't change and you can't change him.

    Bottom line is that, whether its shallow or not, it is how it is.... Is it shallow? Maybe. I can't really say. Does whether or not its shallow change the fact that it you don't like it? No. It doesn't.
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
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    YOU GOTS TO WATCH OUT FOR NUMBER ONE. TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, SINCE MONEY WILL ALWAYS MAKE YOU HAPPY. AMIRIGHT? CAN I GET AN AMEN?
  • lq022
    lq022 Posts: 232 Member
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    I've often wondered what I would do if I were in your type of situation ... and I havent read anyone elses response yet so I may be repeating a few things ... but it really all depends on how comfortable YOU are with his situation.

    I can only speak for myself -- I am planning on becoming a nurse practitioner and I am lucky enough to come from a wealthy family who WORKED for their money ... My parents have instilled a very hard work ethic into my brother and I, so for me, I want a guy who has the same. Not for the fact that I need his money too, but more for the reason that I dont want HIM mooching off of ME . I dont want to marry a gold-digging man just as much as a guy doesnt want a golddigger as wife!

    MY advice: Take the time YOU need to better yourself ... if he isnt making moves to better his situation, then he wont move from his mothers house by the time your done with cosmotology school. If you feel like you can talk to him about this, then maybe the two of you can come to an agreement .. like he becomes more ambicious (spelling?) but you stay in the town your from or something like that .

    Goodluck!
  • Lula16
    Lula16 Posts: 628 Member
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    who knows, he might catch on some of your motivation. he might need a little pushing and compliments that actually may make him feel better about himself and make him more independent.
  • Raychel_P
    Raychel_P Posts: 9 Member
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    You have certain goals for life, he doesnt... that isn't being shallow, its a major difference in values that will really impact your life later. Get out now before you get involved too deeply and end up having a ball and chain dragging you down.

    I had a similar situation where I was with someone for 5 years, and while I lived in ****ty apartments and struggled to go to school and move up the career ladder, he had no interest in changing our lifestyle.

    I broke it off and started dating someone who, like me, is more goal oriented.... we are now married, both doing well in our careers, and are in process of buying a nice house. You know what you want in life.... if he can't offer it, wait for someone who can. And don't listen to people who say maybe you can motivate him, blah blah blah. Ever taken a psychology class? external motivation doesn't work and won't produce lasting changes. He won't change until he wants to, which may be never.
  • debswebby
    debswebby Posts: 326
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    You will not be happy settling. Eventually it will cause problems. You are still young enough to keep your options open. I married a man who has no ambitions. Who is happy loafing around on the sofa. He's self employed but not pro active. He expects the world to come looking for him. Consequently we are always poor and we never go out together.
    We have been together for 13 years. Its only this past year that we've stopped fighting about it. This is because I've resigned myself to the fact that its not going to change. I still hate his apathy but I love that he loves me and that he'll always look after me the best he can. I also love that I always know where he is lol.

    So, to sum up, a compromise can be reached but its a long hard struggle. If I had my time again, even though I love him dearly, I would stay away from him and choose someone else
  • Prozack1964
    Prozack1964 Posts: 318
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    stay friends
  • Articeluvsmemphis
    Articeluvsmemphis Posts: 1,987 Member
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    hmm, not shallow. well nothing starts without communication. so he needs to know what you're up too and would like to do and vice verse. simply put if you can come to an agreement that puts you all on a similar path and are in agreement, then go with it, but if you cannot agree with his lifestyle of the other way around then like/love is not enough to hold that up. I'm sure that if he knew you were interested in something long term then the conversation of a better job or something to that effect would come up.
  • supertracylynn
    supertracylynn Posts: 1,338 Member
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    Can you imagine yourself with him, exactly how he is RIGHT NOW, in 5 yrs happily together?

    More likely than not you're going to want to kick him in the gonads and evict him and his momma.

    You're not going to change him. You already know that.

    Time to move on.

    NEXT!!!
  • Strobins05
    Strobins05 Posts: 716
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    YOU ARE YOUNG..DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



    Definitely ^^this^^
    THIS
  • bestrodeo
    bestrodeo Posts: 139 Member
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    I have a fiend who many years ago went through this same thing.. A year ago she married him.. Sadly shes not happy.. Not only has she gone on to better herself (school better job different house weight loss) he has pretty much stayed the same except now he doesn't work he stays home living off her and playing video games all day. He shows no interest in bettering himself..

    as much as i would love to say follow your heart I would hate to see you heartbroken in a few months or even years...
    Pass him by- there is someone out there who is actually worth you and will have some goals in life for themselves..

    Good luck sweetie
  • Strobins05
    Strobins05 Posts: 716
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    and this:flowerforyou:
    stay friends
  • Carolyn130
    Carolyn130 Posts: 45
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    Stay friends for now. There are some big red flags here so do not jump into a serious relationship. Establishing a solid friendship may work in your favor to help him to find his way and motivate him to set and achieve goals.
  • skinnywithin
    skinnywithin Posts: 1,392 Member
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    YOU GOTS TO WATCH OUT FOR NUMBER ONE. TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, SINCE MONEY WILL ALWAYS MAKE YOU HAPPY. AMIRIGHT? CAN I GET AN AMEN?

    Preach it brother !!! AMEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol thief in the temple !
  • agleckle
    agleckle Posts: 235 Member
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    It's not shallow to want someone that wants the same things out of life that you do. It is definitely possible to love someone that isn't right for you. If you are ambitious and he is not, he could end up holding you back and you may end up resenting him for it down the road. I would say tread carefully with this.
  • Alioth
    Alioth Posts: 571 Member
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    Why not talk to him about it? Admit you find him attractive but honest about your misgivings about having different life's goals. Maybe if the two of you put your heads together you can figure out what to do. If you're too hesitant to admit to him you like him, then your crush can't be all that serious, right? Or if you don't feel comfortable talking to him about it but still can't let it go, maybe you should get to know him more so you can be comfortable around each other.

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