Hurtful comments about weight?
TheDoctor90
Posts: 461 Member
Just reading the thread about the worst comments about your weight and it got me wondering. For those who said it's most hurtful from those closest to you, do you think that is perhaps something you need?
Whether you are trying to lose or gain weight if your husband/wife made an extremely critical comment, like 'I no longer find you attractive at that weight' or 'I no longer find you sexy'.... How many of you would argue that the person is an *kitten*?
Should a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend love you regardless of your weight? Or is there a limit? What if they still love you but at your weight, simply don't have that attraction any more?
Surely if all the little comments didn't work about your weight, and didn't make you change, the big one like those above, are necessary?
My thinking was, looking at the rude comments thread, a lot of people said they wanted to change their lives due to a comment that stuck with them, so perhaps those comments are needed?
And finally, if you don't agree with the above, how else would you like your significant other to approach this, or how would you approach it to your partner?
Whether you are trying to lose or gain weight if your husband/wife made an extremely critical comment, like 'I no longer find you attractive at that weight' or 'I no longer find you sexy'.... How many of you would argue that the person is an *kitten*?
Should a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend love you regardless of your weight? Or is there a limit? What if they still love you but at your weight, simply don't have that attraction any more?
Surely if all the little comments didn't work about your weight, and didn't make you change, the big one like those above, are necessary?
My thinking was, looking at the rude comments thread, a lot of people said they wanted to change their lives due to a comment that stuck with them, so perhaps those comments are needed?
And finally, if you don't agree with the above, how else would you like your significant other to approach this, or how would you approach it to your partner?
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I've personally had the opposite from my partner. He says he doesn't like me thinner but for some reason that's given me the determination to do it more lol0
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For me, wanting to lose weight really has to come from myself - having other people make nasty comments just takes my motivation away for some reason.
In any case, I think if my husband told me that he didn't find me attractive because I was too fat then I would think he was a jerk (luckily he would never do that). If he said that he found it unattractive that I seemed not to care about myself and my health any more then I would think that was a fair comment and would appreciate his concern. I guess I just don't expect my relationship with my husband to be superficial.0 -
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My partner is the same, we actually weight the same and I was comparing tummy size and we are both the same, he wants to lose weight but for me he doesn't like skinny girls he loves me as I am. Thing is I dont!
I have been lucky I never had comments about my weight from others but I have from myself, I look in the mirror and criticise what I see, I think it depends on your attitude if someone was called fat they could either get a 'screw you' attitude and prove them wrong, or it could send them into a deeper depression about weight (for someone like me who is a comfort eater) and make the problem worse.0 -
I've actually just had this happen to me by my son. His comments were said out of anger, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. It bothers me so badly to know what he thinks of my weight. My husband on the other hand, couldn't be happier, he loves me the way I am. I have hated the way I look for a long time but I procrastinate. I'm hoping this site will keep me in check and I can procrastinate about procrastinating lol.
I would definitely be more responsive to someone making a comment about my weight in a kind approach rather than nasty comments spilling out of someone's mouth.0 -
I believe when our loved ones and people we care about make those derogatory comments it hurts the most because those are the people who are supposed to be in our corner. They are supposed to accept us for who we are, not what we look like or what we weigh. I am lucky to have a husband that supports me no matter what. In fact, my husband and I fell in love when I was at my biggest so he has not known me to be smaller and the thought of me losing weight does not matter to him other than the fact weight loss means a better chance of us having a child. He fell in love with me as a person, not me weighing such and such pounds, ya know? I believe if he made a comment instead of a snarky remark out of concern it might be different. It'd still hurt but it would come off better than an insult.
I really believe weight loss has to come from within. People can make all the comments in the world but it is up to us to decide what the limit we will take is before we ourselves look within and decide it is time for a change. Let's face it, people will make comments no matter what. When we all reach our goal weight, people will start nitpicking over something else. I've learned to just let what people say roll off my back because my opinion is the only one that matters.0 -
Honestly, if my partner said that he no longer loved because I had put on weight... I would feel like he never really loved me, he had only loved the packaging. it would open up so many dark spirals Of would he love me as i age, would he love me if I became debilitated for some other reason...
But I think a marriage should be a we vs. the world situation and not a him vs. me situation...0 -
Honestly, if my partner said that he no longer loved because I had put on weight... I would feel like he never really loved me, he had only loved the packaging. it would open up so many dark spirals Of would he love me as i age, would he love me if I became debilitated for some other reason...
But I think a marriage should be a we vs. the world situation and not a him vs. me situation...
^This!
My husband put on 125 lbs after we married. I was already 100+ lbs overweight. His weight gain never once changed my love or attraction to him. I would hate to be in a marriage where any negative change to my body would cause my husband to not find me attractive anymore. What would happen if I lost a breast to cancer? Or what happens when the guy goes bald? Do you leave them because they aren't attractive anymore. That is a sad marriage in my opinion.
My husband and I have a we vs. the world and I wouldn't change it for anything! We call it circling the wagons. :happy:0 -
I think there is a way to approach someone you love about their weight gain without being a butthead about it. My mom would always approach me in a concerned manner when I gained too much. Never hurtful.
Honestly if you're changing your lifestyle because of a single (or even multiple) comments from someone else you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I believe that change comes from the inside, and while it may be "motivated" by hurtful comments they are not enough to sustain healthy weight loss if the person doesn't really want to change to begin with.0 -
Honestly, if my partner said that he no longer loved because I had put on weight... I would feel like he never really loved me, he had only loved the packaging. it would open up so many dark spirals Of would he love me as i age, would he love me if I became debilitated for some other reason...
But I think a marriage should be a we vs. the world situation and not a him vs. me situation...
I was chatting to a friend of mine the other day about this very subject. He said he would love his partner regardless of how big or small they were but if she got too big he would still love her but he would no longer find her attractive. They love each other enough to be able to talk freely about these things and not take offence.0 -
Problem is, we don't think people are jerks because they aren't attracted to blondes, or short people, or people with freckles... That's just their personal attraction. What they find sexy. So if we say to someone "You're not allowed to find a larger person sexually unattractive", isn't that kind of unfair? I mean, I don't think anyone should ever say it to hurt or to be spiteful, but if you're not attracted to a larger person then wouldn't it be kind of cruel to expect them to say nothing and to try to be turned on by someone that's just not their type?
I've been large. In fact I've spent most of my adult life in the obese range until relatively recently. But I think expecting someone to become physically attracted to a completely different body type is unfair, no matter how slow the weight gain. Our physical attractions are for the most part instinctual and not something we can control. You can love a person without having a physical attraction to the body they're in.
On the other side of things, I've known couples that have split up because one of them lost a lot of weight and the other was no longer attracted because their partner was 'too thin' and they didn't feel attracted anymore. Different strokes for different folks. Literally!0 -
My husband calls me "beautiful" and "gorgeous" on a regular basis. I know that he loves me and finds me attractive no matter what... And that is a huge factor in my ability to lose weight. If I were doing it because I felt he didn't love me as much fat (or wasn't as attracted to me fat), that would be a huge issue for me and I would find it really hard to stay motivated. I'm getting healthier for ME, not for him - and as long as I have his support I can keep the focus on myself and lose in a mentally healthy way.0
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I'd think he wasn't the man I married. I don't find 80yo bald men attractive but someday if my hubby is 80 yrs old and bald I'll still love him and I'm sure I'll still find him attractive because I love him for who he is on the inside, not what he looks like on the outside.
When I met my husband he was 25, fit, with a thick head of dark brown hair. I was 19, thin, and pretty darn sexy if I do say so myself. Fast forward 22 years. I'm now 42 and fat. My hair is brown but only if I dye it. My breasts are no longer pointing upright. Hubby is 48 with silver hair that's starting to thin in the back. We've both put on about 100 lbs since we met. But when I look at him I don't see a fat man with thinning hair. I see the twinkle in his eyes when he smiles and hear the laugh that is infectous to those around him. I see a man who loves his family and would do anything for us. When I hug him my hands barely touch (both of our faults) but I'm still happier in his arms than anywhere else in the world.
He'd never tell me he was no longer attracted to me and vice versa. Anyone who bases their attraction to their spouse on looks isn't someone who ever really planned to be married forever in the first place and probably will end up cheating and/or divorced.
Now, if my DH wanted to motivate me he might say "Honey I'm really worried about your health. How about we start going on walks every evening? I want to keep you around as long as possible to enjoy being old together and unless we both lose weight that's just not going to happen.0 -
I think it depends on how they say things.
I am ALL for a loved one saying you should lose a few pounds. But if they say mean or cruel comments, then I don't like it. If my bf were to be like "you're looking fat today", well that's hurtful. But if he goes, hey why don't we go to the gym, or did you want me to drive you to the gym --- or something more encouraging to get me out --- go for it!
When you encourage someone to go out and lose weight, that's when its a great thing (even if they acknowledge you need to lose weight). But if they are cruel, that is not good.0 -
Me wanting to lose weight has completely come from within. No one has ever said anything rude to me, I just got disgusted enough with myself to want to change.0
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I'd think he wasn't the man I married. I don't find 80yo bald men attractive but someday if my hubby is 80 yrs old and bald I'll still love him and I'm sure I'll still find him attractive because I love him for who he is on the inside, not what he looks like on the outside.
When I met my husband he was 25, fit, with a thick head of dark brown hair. I was 19, thin, and pretty darn sexy if I do say so myself. Fast forward 22 years. I'm now 42 and fat. My hair is brown but only if I dye it. My breasts are no longer pointing upright. Hubby is 48 with silver hair that's starting to thin in the back. We've both put on about 100 lbs since we met. But when I look at him I don't see a fat man with thinning hair. I see the twinkle in his eyes when he smiles and hear the laugh that is infectous to those around him. I see a man who loves his family and would do anything for us. When I hug him my hands barely touch (both of our faults) but I'm still happier in his arms than anywhere else in the world.
He'd never tell me he was no longer attracted to me and vice versa. Anyone who bases their attraction to their spouse on looks isn't someone who ever really planned to be married forever in the first place and probably will end up cheating and/or divorced.
Now, if my DH wanted to motivate me he might say "Honey I'm really worried about your health. How about we start going on walks every evening? I want to keep you around as long as possible to enjoy being old together and unless we both lose weight that's just not going to happen.
This is SO SWEET. You're so right about basically being able to love them unconditionally. I really hope to have a marriage like yours.0 -
My husband and I have been married over 18 years. We both have put on weight. I am wanting to lose it now because of my health. Things hurt that shouldn't. I get winded easily, etc... I don't want to be like that.
That being said a lot of things are so much more important to us. Our children, etc... My husband would NEVER say or even THINK that about me. He loves me for who I am. And Vice Versa. If he did tell me that, I would lose 200+lbs REAL QUICK!!! Fat and ugly are not the same thing.0 -
If there is love, smallpox scars are as pretty as dimples.(Japanese Proverb).
If my husband is not attracted to me anymore because of my weight (or vice versa) I doubt I picked a good partner. Being overweight or obese is not the worst faith in the world - how can I rely on such person to stay when I have an accident that will make me wheelchair bound? No, I do not expect my partner to make hurtful comments.I tend to react to such comments with a high resistance, which demotivates me completely and can lead to pretty defiant behavior on my part.
Did I have boyfriends who were like that? Yes...short encounters *lol* Funny enough often guys who were themselves obese and did not change anything about their appearance, but got on me to be 5 pounds over the "normal" range.0 -
My wife just told me she found me unattractive fat. Period!how else would you like your significant other to approach this, or how would you approach it to your partner?
And if the shoe were on the other foot, I would do likewise and say as much. I needed to hear that, and I did something about it.
I know she would have left me had I not changed. And if she got fat? I'd express myself, give it 3 months, and if there was no progress, I'd be a gone pecan.
When physical attraction evaporates due to obesity, love goes right out the window.
That's reality.
And by the way, we've been together over 30 years - married 28 - 5 kids.0 -
Caring - Wanting for your family to be as healthy and fit as possible.
Love - Non conditional, and is not impacted by physical appearances other than the caring factor.
So, my wife and children and myself all care about each other, try to motivate and keep each other on track but we love eachother no matter what we look like.0 -
I've made a deal with my boyfriend that if we gain weight so much that we're starting to lose the attraction we'll simply start being more active together and cook healthier things for each other.
Say if i was inactive and always bought and cooked bad foods, then he'd help by saying we should go for walks and swim together or something, and he would encourage us BOTH to eat healthier and by healthier foods. The idea is we do it together. Same is vice versa if he gained weight - we wouldn't say we're not attracted to each other, or that we're fat, but try to encourage a better standard of living for us both.
If one person has gotten large, you can bet the other isn't eating/exercising right either, and thus it's beneficial for both parties.
As for saying someone is fat, or even that someone is too skinny, both are negative. I got called fat a few weeks ago and maybe i shouldn't eat those chips (fries), and yet, last week i got told there's nothing of me and i must only eat carrots!0 -
My ex-husband used to occasionally insult my weight, despite the fact that he was fatter than I was. However, I noticed he would insult my weight RIGHT AFTER a guy would compliment me on my body. He would get so mad if a guy was even nice to me, thinking that the guy was flirting. (Not that he would ever say anything to the guy about it. He would chew ME out about it later, although everyone else will tell you that I have a very "hands off, not interested" attitude. Ask me why he's an ex, lol.)
But I digress. My point? I never found his insults to be particularly motivating.
Since then, I've remarried...and my husband LOVES my body. At first, my issue was that if I tried to lose weight, my husband (who does the shopping) wouldn't buy better foods. He didn't see why I really needed to lose weight. He's helping me a little more now for two reasons:
1) I've had some scary health problems that seem to be weight-related. This is MY big motivation. Surprise, surprise, the man that loves me doesn't want me to die either! And...
2) I promised him that if I lose enough weight by his birthday...I'll wear a skirt.
He really, really wants me in a skirt, lol. And seeing HIM happy about the idea of dressing up for him makes ME want to do it that much more.
Motivation is a funny thing!0 -
I bought a step stool for my kitchen...one that I thought was small and convenient. One I hoped no-one would "borrow" or walk away! When I got home my husband pointed out that it was dangerous ( because the maximum weight was 200 lbs). I was mortified to think he knew I weighed that much!!! (As if I could hide it!!! ) That day was the day I decided to lose weight! I lost 25 lbs and he still worries about the ladder!!
I told him that it hurt my feelings and he laughed and said he never thought about the weight limit...he just thought it was a cheap ladder and worried it would break with anyone on it!!!0 -
As to your last question, your significant other should support you. My husband loves me no matter what. He loves all 200 lbs of me. He loved me when I was 50 lbs lighter. He'd love me if I was 50 lbs heavier. There is and always will be love, attraction, and support. That is how it should be.
He wants me to be healthier because he wants me to stick around until we are both very very old and surrounded by our great-grandchildren. Not everyone is as lucky as me to have someone this wonderful. I could not imagine settling for anything less, especially something based purely on physical attraction and thinness.
I feel really bad for people who started on this journey because of something hurtful someone else said. I don't think there is any place for that. It's better and more productive if getting healthy is based on loving yourself, not on hating your body.0 -
In my world positive reinforcement is much more beneficial than negative. Negativity just makes me want to give up, while the positivity helps me see things clearer
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Just reading the thread about the worst comments about your weight and it got me wondering. For those who said it's most hurtful from those closest to you, do you think that is perhaps something you need?
Whether you are trying to lose or gain weight if your husband/wife made an extremely critical comment, like 'I no longer find you attractive at that weight' or 'I no longer find you sexy'.... How many of you would argue that the person is an *kitten*?
Should a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend love you regardless of your weight? Or is there a limit? What if they still love you but at your weight, simply don't have that attraction any more?
Surely if all the little comments didn't work about your weight, and didn't make you change, the big one like those above, are necessary?
My thinking was, looking at the rude comments thread, a lot of people said they wanted to change their lives due to a comment that stuck with them, so perhaps those comments are needed?
And finally, if you don't agree with the above, how else would you like your significant other to approach this, or how would you approach it to your partner?
When I was much heavier then I am now, I had a massively low self esteem and depression. I knew I was fat, but I was just so depressed and hated myself that I didn't care about my body or health. I got loads of nasty comments - they never really helped. Actually, getting away from my Dad who criticised me endlessly was probably what helped me the most - that and finding a job I really liked and making a few friends. Just a few small factors helped my self esteem and made me care about myself again.0 -
im kinda different with this subject. to me its not (or wasnt) a big secret that i was overweight. so when someone commented (which hardly ever happened) it was the truth.
however, my husband never said to me he didnt find me attractive at my heaviest. if he did im sure it would hurt but i dont blame him. how is it that i made myself sick looking in the mirror and im supposed to think he thinks its HOT?
in my family we are very straight forward. we dont get our feelings hurt over truth. i mean its hard to hear but how can i get mad or upset with someone for telling me the truth?
I remember one story about a cousin of mine. her siblings were teasing her saying she's fat and she was crying to her dad and he said "well are you" and she responds with "yes" and he says " well then do something about it and quit crying".
if someone says they dont love you cause youre fat well they are a caca face. either you love someone or you dont.0 -
I definitely agree about wanting to lose weight which has to come from within and yes,"your feelings about your weight is the only one that counts." An I still encourage you to loss weight because it's our biggest enemy. Reason because all the health issues that come from being overweight. From a friend to a friend. Keep pushing.0
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I think your significant other should love you regardless of your weight, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't say anything.
(And I think it's different from other things - your weight can be controlled barring medical issues; losing hair, getting older with wrinkles and skin starts to age in other ways and things like that are natural and out of your control and should be accepted as aging gracefully).
To me, the bigger concern is health. Of course I don't think anyone who has been overweight should ever have such nasty things said to them as those in the other thread - that's just plain meanness. But, a loved one should be able to express *concern* about weight because weight absolutely affects health, and I think we should take care of ourselves FOR ourselves, but I also think it's kind of selfish not to think of our health for others as well - not just in terms of number of years of life, but how our health can affect the activities we do with others and whether they might have to take care of us earlier than otherwise, etc.
There were also a lot of comments about healthcare professionals. Some of the stories were outrageous - and if they were true *some* (not all) seemed like cases of malpractice. But, seems to me any healthcare professional should address weight at each visit, regardless of what that particular visit is about. Realistically, excessive weight is the cause of many issues, and unfortunately nowadays many patients and doctors only want to treat the symptoms. So, again, I don't endorse those cases where the healthcare provider seemed out of bounds, but I do think they should always address weight - in a professional manner. They should be there to help improve overall health, not just mask underlying issues.0 -
An ex boyfriend of mine - who was a surgeon - went off me when I gained weight due to tearing the ligaments at T6, 7 & 8! I went from running a marathon a week - as in 25 miles over 6 days - and teaching gymnastics and trampolining 4 times a week and teaching 3 aerobics classes a week. And I haven't included the 2 or 3 classes of aerobics I did for me! I was in a neck collar for 4.5 months and had physio for 8.5 months (I can't take anti-inflammatory medication)! I gained 5 stone in a year. I have battled over the last 10 years and am now winning the battle! Anyone who is that shallow does not deserve me! I may be single but I would rather be who I am than be living with or married to someone like that! I don't hate men but nor do I trust them! I still enjoy their company and have a couple of really close male friends! But I am doing this for me and no one else! No one but me defines me!0
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