Couples having separate interests and friends

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  • WarriorMom2012
    WarriorMom2012 Posts: 621 Member
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    So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

    My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

    If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

    Disagree. If I didn't have total trust in my wife and her in me, we shouldn't be together.

    Without knowing you or him, I would have to say that he has issues within himself. If you can't go out and have outside interests, his self esteem may be low and he's looking to you to validate him.

    My husband jokingly tells me to flirt when I go out with the girls. The more free drinks I get, the less money is coming out of his pocket.
  • TimWilkinson101
    TimWilkinson101 Posts: 163 Member
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    The fact he doesnt trust you after 12 years of married life is disturbing. Jealousy and lack of trust are the things that eventually destroy relationships. He should trust you and realise that you will not do anything. An ex of mine was in marketing and often had to go to events where she was almost the only woman and I knew some of the men there would try to get her drunk and get off with her. However, I trusted her 100% and she never let me down. She always rang me from her hotel room before she went to sleep. I'd expect her to trust me 100% if I went out drinking and not assume I was chasing any woman who would have me.

    I also think its healthy to have seperate interests. It gives you things to talk about and it gives each of you space to be you. It "can" lead to you both realising that you both no longer actually like or share the same things and drifting apart, but if that truly is the case, then I'd wonder why you're together in the first place.
  • Boardergurl
    Boardergurl Posts: 206 Member
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    This is good. I just had a conversation with the guys I work with about this.. A few of them said that you should cut off ties and communication with your friends of the opposite sex when you get married.

    Me and my husband have ALOT of the same interests. We spend alot of time together. It could be from just sitting on the couch watching tv to sitting beside each other reading or going to sports and such.

    He has his guy time and I have my girl time. You need time apart! You need friends and stuff that aren't just always with the SO around.

    If you have to start hiding stuff then there is an issue. My husband knows everyone I talk to whats being said I dont hide anything from him.

    I have developed a great friendship with someone of the male gender since we got married.. He is married aswell. My husband knows everything that is said as with his wife... We live in different cities but look forward to our families meeting. We talk about mostly our kids and marriage.

    The big thing is trust... if you dont have that even all the time together wont make it better or build that trust. Unless given a reason not to trust then you need time away.
  • skylark94
    skylark94 Posts: 2,036 Member
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    Time apart is absolutely essential to our relationship. I usually take off every 6 weeks or so to spend a weekend with my best friend. I love my husband, but I still need time to be me and he is not even remotely interested in horses, which has always been my passion. When I visit my friend we can go riding and talk horses all day without me having to watch my husband glaze over with boredom.
  • jennilovesryan
    jennilovesryan Posts: 124
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    t think you have to be careful about partying without your husband. it could lead to drama, for sure.
  • chicklidell
    chicklidell Posts: 275
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    Although my wife comes to watch me play soccer occasionally and will sometimes ride on the back of my bike, these two things I usually do without her.

    Shopping is the hobby that she usually does without me.

    We do most other things together.

    That made me laugh! I'm divorced, but honestly I spend so much time shopping, i'm surprised I had enoug time to conceive 6 times.
  • deeharley
    deeharley Posts: 1,208 Member
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    It sounds like you're not just asking for time away from him, though. You're also asking for change - if you've done things a certain way for several years, and now you want to do them differently, yes, there is going to be resistance. And it doesn't necessarily mean there are issues - not everyone embraces change, change can be scary.

    The important thing is to find the balance that works for both of you. If you went out last weekend with the girls and he was okay with that, then he isn't against ALL time away from him. But maybe he sees your drunk "let loose" times differently than you do. Talk to him, listen to him, and find what you BOTH can live with.
  • danascot
    danascot Posts: 100 Member
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    I'm married and have the same hobbies and interests as I did before I met my husband - why should that change? You were an individual before you meet and will be afterwards. I do, of course, spend the majority of my time with my family but if I say I'm going to the gym with a girlfriend or to the mall, etc. he doesn't care. This is trust related, IMO. The thought that the question is even coming up indicates you know that there isn't something quite right.
  • bigdawg025
    bigdawg025 Posts: 774 Member
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    I think it's VERY healthy to have separate hobbies and a sense of identity... there's nothing at all wrong with that. If you spend every waking moment with someone you not only get ridiculously sick of them, but you begin to lose sight of who you are individually, which is something that's very important for a person's mental health and well-being.

    He needs to take a chill pill and let go of the control. :smile:
  • megz4987
    megz4987 Posts: 1,008 Member
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    I think having seperate interests and friends is a good thing. For each relationship it may be different, though. If I were around my fiance 24/7 it would drive us both crazy. I enjoy my time with him and sometimes want more than we get but the time apart is good for us. He likes tools, cars, hunting, etc and I don't particularly care for any of those things. But with our seperate interests we're able to teach each other different things and I think that's great.
  • starscapenatasha
    starscapenatasha Posts: 38
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    Studies show that it's actually being around each other constantly and not having any other life that breaks up couple. You get sick of each other, feel trapped, etc. My significant other and I have always taken time apart, and more than most couples from what I've heard, but we like it.
    As far as the party is concerned, it sounds like there are a couple of options. 1.) You mentioned you've been married for 12 years; surely you've gotten to know his family. Call his mother, politely tell her about the party and request that you come on the original Saturday instead. It'll probably infuriate him, but you'll accomplish your goal. 2.) Why not take him with you? I've never gone to a party where I was told I couldn't bring at least one guest. He'll be happy and you'll get to go.
  • Amo_Angelus
    Amo_Angelus Posts: 604 Member
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    haha oh I've just got a brilliant mental image of my fiancé and I doing everything together...I'm slitting my wrists in a kareoke bar and he's jumping off the railings at whatever stitch and crafting event we've gone to that's just tipped him over the edge! LMAO

    Anyway, to answer the question, I think it's healthy to have you time and you hobbies. I think it's the couples who can't do anything seperately that get sick and tired of each other because they're always there getting under your feet. As much as I love my fiancé I'm more than happy to leave him and his cousin downstairs playing Halo while me and my bestie retreat upstairs with our knitting. Of course you do things together and spend time together, every couple needs shared interests to work, but you also need you time to fully appreciate that shared time. It's like oxygen, you need it to live, but pure oxygen, all the time will cause dilerium and confusion.
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    Couples having separate interests and friends: Do you think this is a good thing? I do. But my man disagrees. He thinks it's bad for couples to do things separately and that's what ruins a relationship.

    We've been together for 12 years and have basically done everything together... we even work together. Now that I decided to start my own photography business, I've been doing my own thing and making new friends. I still spend the majority of the time with him, but sometimes I want to go out with girlfriends, or photographer friends (where we talk about photography stuff, and the hubby isn't interested.) He was okay with me going out with girlfriends last weekend, but now I want to go to a party with some photographers and he's freaking out. Mostly because there will be drinking and he doesn't trust me. He says I get out of control... but doesn't everyone when they drink? I just like to let loose and have a good time once in a while. Is that not normal? I do like to hug everyone in sight when I drink, but I'd never cheat. Am I in the wrong for wanting to have a few drinks with friends without him there? We are supposed to go up to see his mom and grandma this weekend, and I suggested going up on Saturday, but now he's insisting we go on Friday night (so I miss the party). Or he's threatening to go without me, but I know he's playing games to get me to not go to the photographers party.
    No, it would drive me nuts if she was tagging along everywhere I went.
    No, my SO has a life all her own, and I am hers 50% of the time and the other half is my other life where she is neither welcome nor interested.

    And vice versa.
    Those joined at the hips couples disgust me, because one party is always dominant and the other seems to have no real personality or sand. They'd get lost in their own back yard.
  • NaomiLyn15
    NaomiLyn15 Posts: 388 Member
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    I think that having your own interests is a really important part of every relationship. It gives you something to come back and talk about together. But, you should also spend time together. A good balance of this will create a healthy relationship. But, reading your post it seems like the time apart isn't the thing that your husband has a problem with. It seems that he doesn't like the idea of you getting drunk without him there. I can't say that I don't blame him. Although I don't know him or your relationship, I don't think it is about him not trusting you. You are a female and you are planning on getting drunk away from him. He is probably worried that something bad could happen to you, but he doesn't know how to communicate that without it sounding like he doesn't trust you. When you are drunk you don't have control of the situation, so something bad could happen, and he isn't there to take care of you. Just look at it from his point of view, if he were out getting drunk would you be worried that something might happen to him? I think that time apart is healthy, but what you are doing when apart could be unhealthy. Just try to see it from his perspective. It doesn't sound like he doesn't want you hanging out with others, it sounds like he doesn't want you getting drunk without him.
  • josery1630
    josery1630 Posts: 205 Member
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    We have a lot of separate interests, but I make sure that my husband has met everyone I hang out with when he isn't there. He tells me when I'm going out in a mixed group and there will be alcohol invloved to be careful, and he definitely doesn't like it when he hasn't met the people I'm going out with. He doesn't trust other guys because he knows what's on a lot of their minds, and he doesn't want me to be put in a situation that might compromise our marriage.

    Has he met these people you'll be hanging out with? Could be he's nervous to let you get into a situation with people he hasn't met. Or it could be that he's picking up on a vibe from one of the people he has met that makes him feel uncomfortable. I'd be willing to bet it's not you he doesn't trust.

    Separate interests are perfectly fine, but in my opinion, if something makes someone you love uncomfortable, is it really worth disrespecting their feelings to go do what you really want to do? If the roles were reversed and he ignored your feelings, how would you react?

    Hubby and I have had this fight and in the end, I didn't miss out on anything by respecting his feelings. Just my $.02.
  • lilRicki
    lilRicki Posts: 4,555 Member
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    I have absolutely nothing in common with my SO...the only thing we do together is grocery shop and go to the kid's sporting events, and we're still madly in love. It depends on the couple I guess. It's few and far between that we go on a hot date, but he's the only one I'd want to go to a concert with, or a movie.
  • starscapenatasha
    starscapenatasha Posts: 38
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    So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

    My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

    If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

    Whoa, dude. "Or hanging with the opposite sex. . ." Talk about trust issues.
  • Kenzietea2
    Kenzietea2 Posts: 1,132 Member
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    I see both sides to this. Mainly because everyone one does not get out of control when they drink. If that is really your personality, then how about just invite him so he will be more comfortable. Sure he might be bored for a few hours, but one day you will have to go do something boring to support him and I don't see the big deal.
  • Tinyt123
    Tinyt123 Posts: 5
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    While I believe whole heartedly that everyone should have their own hobbies and interests that they do without their partner, I'm a little concerned with you not wanting him to come to this party. Not wanting him at every photography session is totally understandable but a party? That's a little different. It is a little scary when your partner embraces a new passion and all of a sudden they are excluded from it. Imagine he joined a biker gang and didn't want you coming to any of their parties. How would you feel? That being said, if he truly can trust you while you're drinking then maybe he's being a little too suffocating. Is the real reason you don't want him at the party because you know you'll be hugging everyone and touchy feely and you don't want him there to stop you from doing it? I say invite him to the party but not everything else.
  • erika010
    erika010 Posts: 28 Member
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    I think it is absolutely crucial for individuals to have their own interests. It's what makes a relationship healthy! I have one night out a week with my girls (or in, if they come to my house for a dinner/get together...but it's just us girls, no spouses) and then one night a week where I read in the bathtub. I also run on my own, do freelance writing work and belong to a young professionals group. My hubby has his own friends separate from our couple friends, too, and we would go crazy if we didn't!

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