Couples having separate interests and friends

Studies show that it's actually being around each other constantly and not having any other life that breaks up couple. You get sick of each other, feel trapped, etc. My significant other and I have always taken time apart, and more than most couples from what I've heard, but we like it.
As far as the party is concerned, it sounds like there are a couple of options. 1.) You mentioned you've been married for 12 years; surely you've gotten to know his family. Call his mother, politely tell her about the party and request that you come on the original Saturday instead. It'll probably infuriate him, but you'll accomplish your goal. 2.) Why not take him with you? I've never gone to a party where I was told I couldn't bring at least one guest. He'll be happy and you'll get to go.

Couples having separate interests and friends: Do you think this is a good thing? I do. But my man disagrees. He thinks it's bad for couples to do things separately and that's what ruins a relationship.

We've been together for 12 years and have basically done everything together... we even work together. Now that I decided to start my own photography business, I've been doing my own thing and making new friends. I still spend the majority of the time with him, but sometimes I want to go out with girlfriends, or photographer friends (where we talk about photography stuff, and the hubby isn't interested.) He was okay with me going out with girlfriends last weekend, but now I want to go to a party with some photographers and he's freaking out. Mostly because there will be drinking and he doesn't trust me. He says I get out of control... but doesn't everyone when they drink? I just like to let loose and have a good time once in a while. Is that not normal? I do like to hug everyone in sight when I drink, but I'd never cheat. Am I in the wrong for wanting to have a few drinks with friends without him there? We are supposed to go up to see his mom and grandma this weekend, and I suggested going up on Saturday, but now he's insisting we go on Friday night (so I miss the party). Or he's threatening to go without me, but I know he's playing games to get me to not go to the photographers party.

No, it would drive me nuts if she was tagging along everywhere I went.
No, my SO has a life all her own, and I am hers 50% of the time and the other half is my other life where she is neither welcome nor interested.

And vice versa.
Those joined at the hips couples disgust me, because one party is always dominant and the other seems to have no real personality or sand. They'd get lost in their own back yard.

We have a lot of separate interests, but I make sure that my husband has met everyone I hang out with when he isn't there. He tells me when I'm going out in a mixed group and there will be alcohol invloved to be careful, and he definitely doesn't like it when he hasn't met the people I'm going out with. He doesn't trust other guys because he knows what's on a lot of their minds, and he doesn't want me to be put in a situation that might compromise our marriage.

Has he met these people you'll be hanging out with? Could be he's nervous to let you get into a situation with people he hasn't met. Or it could be that he's picking up on a vibe from one of the people he has met that makes him feel uncomfortable. I'd be willing to bet it's not you he doesn't trust.

Separate interests are perfectly fine, but in my opinion, if something makes someone you love uncomfortable, is it really worth disrespecting their feelings to go do what you really want to do? If the roles were reversed and he ignored your feelings, how would you react?

Hubby and I have had this fight and in the end, I didn't miss out on anything by respecting his feelings. Just my $.02.

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

Whoa, dude. "Or hanging with the opposite sex. . ." Talk about trust issues.

While I believe whole heartedly that everyone should have their own hobbies and interests that they do without their partner, I'm a little concerned with you not wanting him to come to this party. Not wanting him at every photography session is totally understandable but a party? That's a little different. It is a little scary when your partner embraces a new passion and all of a sudden they are excluded from it. Imagine he joined a biker gang and didn't want you coming to any of their parties. How would you feel? That being said, if he truly can trust you while you're drinking then maybe he's being a little too suffocating. Is the real reason you don't want him at the party because you know you'll be hugging everyone and touchy feely and you don't want him there to stop you from doing it? I say invite him to the party but not everything else.

I think if you are wedged up the other person's butt, that that is unhealthy. I also think it shows some excessive jealousy.

Whether or not that is acceptable is largely in the eye of the beholder. My hobbies etc are pretty much not something most women do, so I don't have to worry about this.

I believe that time apart is really important in a relationship. You should have some friends and hobbies separately and together. My girlfriends and I have a night out each month to giggle and have a good time just being girly. Does he do anything for himself? He needs to take that time for himself too....maybe a bit of jealousy coming out in fear?

That being said, you mentioned that you get out of control when you drink.....I believe there-in lies the problem with this weekend's scenario. My husband, although I don't think he would ever cheat on me, gets out of control when he drinks too. So much so that I will drive him to the bar and then wake our two children (5 and 7 months) up in the middle of the night so we can go pick him up when he wants to go out with his friends. And I will admit, I throw a complete fit when he even mentions going out sometimes because I get so worried about what will happen when he goes out without me (again, I don't worry that he'll cheat, more a fear of drinking and driving, dieing, etc.).

This is a two part problem for me: you definitely need to be able to have your own time, with your own friends, but you need to show him that you can stay in control when you drink so he doesn't need to worry about what's going on when he isn't around.....just my thoughts.....

Go but don't drink. Ask him if he'd like to go so he has the option to say no. Personally, I feel once you are married your...habits, should change out of respect for your spouse. If you want to live the single life, going to parties, drinking etc then be single. There is nothing wrong with having seperate time, but it should never involve things that make your spouse feel insecure.
Its great that you have your own business now, so doing lunch with those friends to discuss photography and like interests is acceptable, going to a party, getting your drink on to where you start hugging and "I Love You-ing" everyone is NOT acceptable.
Put yourself in your spouses shoes, if you knew he was gonna party, drink and hug on others without you there how would you feel? And if you say you don't care at all....are you in the right relationship??
Hope this helps!!

My husband and I do a lot apart, but we do a lot together as well. Some people find our relationship odd, and have even questioned my commitment to him and his to me because of how little we get involved with each others social lives, but it works for us. I go out a lot more than he does, and we even holiday apart sometimes (or rather I go and travel and he stays home!), but he has zero jealousy or worries over any time I spend with male friends. He knows he's welcome to come as well anytime he wants too, he just usually chooses not too.

I would like us to have more shared friends, and that's gradually happening I think, but he's quite shy with new people, and he doesn't meet all that many people himself to socialise with, because of how small his work is etc.

We've been together 10 years now, living together for 7 of those, and married for 1 so I think it's working for us! We went through a phase where we felt like we'd drifted a little, but we talked about it and made an effort to spend more time together and fixed it again. Every relationship is different, and what works for one couple might not work for another.

It sounds for you though like your husband is nervous about the change. I can understand that. Regarding the party though, is there any reason you don't want him there? I can understand him being bored when you meet photography people for coffee, and you wanting your own interests for you, but by saying you don't want him at the party (depends how you say it of course) would make me a little scared as a partner.

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

Whoa, dude. "Or hanging with the opposite sex. . ." Talk about trust issues.

she did openly state she gets out of control. I trust my fiancee 100% wherever he goes because he never gets 'out of control'. In fact I know many people who can have a few drinks and stay in control of their actions.

I think it's healthy for couples to do certain things away from each other. Drinking and flirting...you should just invite him!!

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

I agree. If there are no drinks/partying involved.... like just going to a show with a few friends thats different ... or shopping without the spouse/SO..... thats fine..... strip clubs, parties, drinking, etc...... look at it from his point of view and would you be okay with him going out and doing the same without you? not to mention he does not know these "new friends" so there is an uncomfortable situation there for him I am sure....... My hubby and I have been together 10 years and married for 4 ...... when it comes to partying and "new friends" we hang out together..... once we BOTH know the "new friends" it is more comfortable ..... just sayin.

To be honest though, I do think it's weird you want to go to a party and get drunk without him. I have a glass of wine with dinner 1-2 times a week but I haven't gotten drunk since college, truly. It typically leads to nothing but embarrassment and regret (plus, I would rather save those calories for dessert). I also don't have any (straight) guy friends (I'm on friendly terms with my male coworkers and also my friends' husbands/partners) but I firmly believe that if you are married, that's crossing a line. My husband agrees. If he wanted to go to a party without me and get drunk, I would be very suspicious.

I think that having seperate interests and friends is key. That's how my relationship with my at the time boyfriend ended a month ago - he was too focused on spending time with me and I really wanted to spend time with him as well as seperately with my friends and he was constantly upset about it.

I wish my boyfriend and I had the same friends (we did not meet thru mutual friends, nor do we have any) because it would help with our social life-entertaining, going out with friends, etc. We live together so we do almost everything together, and sometimes it would be nice to be able to go out with another couple that we know-we've only just begun hanging out with other couples, but it's always awkward because their either my friends or his friends.

But I do really like that we have separate friends when it comes to "girls night out" & "guys night out". I can go out with my work friends and he can go out with his soccer friends & we can just separate ourselves from each other completely for a while.

I guess balance is what we need, and are working to achieve.