Friction in my Marriage

Married almost 11 years to a man who is pretty much the opposite of me in every way... And it did cause friction at times, so I understand what you're saying...

But... everyone is right. You can't change him. You shouldn't try to change him. However, you can ask for compromise... Agree to cook a healthy pizza at home, together, instead of ordering out once in a while. Or plan some spontaneity. I know that sounds weird, but maybe ask him to agree to one day a month where he will do/go/see/try whatever you want, and in exchange, one day a month you do something he has planned. No grumbling allowed, even if he wants to sit home and watch tv and order pizza.

Also, if you are feeling this way... What is he feeling? Does he wish you'd stop nagging him to change or do things differently? Does he wish you could be predictable, and less "crazy-seat of your pants?"

I think that part of loving someone is recognizing their differences, and accepting them as they are. And maybe with some compromise, he may start to see things a bit more like you and vice versa.

Good luck!

This is very good advice! :flowerforyou:

I have some ideas for you. I've been married 13 years. We've had our ups and downs. But and together we have learned key things in resolving differences and creating a healthy marriage environment.

We've learned to quantify our level of desire/feelings about things. If I were to say to my husband "XYZ is something that REALLY matters to me..." or "I feel STRONGLY about such and such" his ears would perk up and he'd listen. This approach is not overused nor abused, therefore it's respected and it works our marriage. Then together we'd try to find a solution to the particular matter.

Your first step is to do the above and see if he'll be open to a few ideas you propose (because it REALLY matters to you). Then, give him several (many) ideas of activities that he could join you in that would satisify your hunger to be adventurous/active/healthy together. Allow him to add a few ideas of his own. Each of you rank all the activities on a scale of 1-5 (and you rank them, too). Items that are 1's come off the list (because neither of you would enjoy doing them). Then start with items that you each scored 3 or higher. In other words, if you ranked hiking a 5, but he ranked it a 1 or 2, you'll need to choose something else instead. Perhaps a bike ride which you both scored a 3 is a decent place to start.

You'll also need to set parameters about how often you you two will be adventurous together. Perhaps you start by selecting one activity each month. You'll want to make this attractive to him, not make it undesirable. So keep in mind that you're not trying to totally change him, but move him just a bit toward something you desire.

Finally, do an internet search for an exercise on "The Five Love Languages." You and your husband should take the assesment and discuss the results. Your qwest perhaps should be to move toward each other in expressions of love (not only him moving toward you).

Good luck!!!

There are a lot of GREAT responses on here. I'll just put in my thoughts.....
My husband goes on and off with the workout and watching food thing. What I've noticed is that the more I get into and see results and have the motivation, the more he does it. If I stop, he stops. He totally gets on board when he sees me progressing and I think he realizes that it's a cool-awesome-good-healthy thing.

Also, I don't bug him about it. In the beginning I did and got no where. Then I just would say "I'm headed the gym. See you in an hour". Then after a few weeks of that, he started coming and now he wants to go every day, even on days when I don't. LOL.

What activities does he like to do? There must be something? golfing, football, fishing, bowling.... if you can encourage him into a pastime he enjoys, maybe that would help him get out there and become more active. Just a thought. Good Luck!

I'm not married, but I am engaged. Before I made a commitment to a healthier lifestyle, we both lived similar lifestyles: horrible diets, little to no exercise, and lots of time on the couch. Since I changed my diet, my fiance hasn't exactly been on the same level as me. He supports my personal quest for health and wellness, but doesn't really want anything to do with it himself. He complains about not feeling well and the fact that he's overweight, but he doesn't do what's necessary to change.

I used to harp on that and get upset about it, which ended up making me resort to my old sedentary lifestyle. I had to come to terms with the fact that he's not going to do what I want him to...he is who he is. If he wants to create health problems for himself, that's his concern, not mine. Sure, I worry about him, but he doesn't want to change.

Because he is lazy, I realized that I actually have the upper hand! The man doesn't cook, he doesn't like to go grocery shopping, and he rarely orders out. At first this annoyed me, but I see the advantages now. I control the food that comes into the house and I control the meals that we eat. He's given that "ew" look before at some things that I've made (I love lots of veggies...him, not so much), but he'll eventually eat because he has no other choice.

I, too, struggled to make him a little more active. I even fawned over some of his old Army pictures (he was so buff - yum!). But, like so many others have said, he's going to do what he wants to do. I eventually stopped asking him and just did my own thing. Now he "wanders" in when I'm doing a workout DVD or I'm running on the treadmill. Last night he even said that he wanted to try a yoga DVD with me this weekend. The best action I took was actually inaction. Time will tell how it pans out, but I'm hoping it inspires some change in him.

I've read a lot of awesome replies on here. Hopefully we've all lent you some support. Much love and stay strong!:flowerforyou:

I have some ideas for you. I've been married 13 years. We've had our ups and downs. But and together we have learned key things in resolving differences and creating a healthy marriage environment.

We've learned to quantify our level of desire/feelings about things. If I were to say to my husband "XYZ is something that REALLY matters to me..." or "I feel STRONGLY about such and such" his ears would perk up and he'd listen. This approach is not overused nor abused, therefore it's respected and it works our marriage. Then together we'd try to find a solution to the particular matter.

Your first step is to do the above and see if he'll be open to a few ideas you propose (because it REALLY matters to you). Then, give him several (many) ideas of activities that he could join you in that would satisify your hunger to be adventurous/active/healthy together. Allow him to add a few ideas of his own. Each of you rank all the activities on a scale of 1-5 (and you rank them, too). Items that are 1's come off the list (because neither of you would enjoy doing them). Then start with items that you each scored 3 or higher. In other words, if you ranked hiking a 5, but he ranked it a 1 or 2, you'll need to choose something else instead. Perhaps a bike ride which you both scored a 3 is a decent place to start.

You'll also need to set parameters about how often you you two will be adventurous together. Perhaps you start by selecting one activity each month. You'll want to make this attractive to him, not make it undesirable. So keep in mind that you're not trying to totally change him, but move him just a bit toward something you desire.

Finally, do an internet search for an exercise on "The Five Love Languages." You and your husband should take the assesment and discuss the results. Your qwest perhaps should be to move toward each other in expressions of love (not only him moving toward you).

Good luck!!!

Great ideas!

And The Five Love Languages... awesome book/exercise. That totally opened my eyes to how to show my husband love in a way he understood. He's one for physical contact, I'm a quality-timer. I had never realized how differently we viewed that, until I read the book. =D I was always thinking "Get OFF me and give me some elbow room." Now I don't mind, because I understand him better.

Ask him to do something with you of your choice, and you do something of his choice with him. Give and take.

As everybody else has said, you can't force him or change him. Just accept that this might be one of those areas where you don't do it together (and every marriage should have some individual time). My husband hasn't wanted to work out or do many of the things I want to do. We joke that I have ADOS (Attention Deficit...Ooh Shiny!) and I'm always obsessed with something. So instead of letting him keep me from doing what I wanted to do I just began doing things without him. Some things he decided looked like fun and he joined me. Others he never has. And with the fitness thing, he's slowly changing his tune. Part of it was finding things that he would enjoy. He's not a runner, aerobic video doer or things like that. I asked for a bike for my birthday and he's taken me on several bike rides since. We also joined taekwondo and our whole family does it together but that's something he's long enjoyed. He just mentioned he might start doing strength training with me. Looks great right? I started working out 10 years ago. I've ebbed and flowed as we had another baby and many life things, illness and so on but I've worked out at least somewhat for most of that time and he's just now deciding to join me.

Do what you gotta do and he'll join you or not. If you wait for him you'll only end up resentful and may never do it. If you push him, he'll end up resentful.

Hey Pamela3,
Love him for who he is and let him be. Find a workout/exercise friend. Maybe when he sees your excitement, he will want to join the party!

The pizza, smoking, and lack of works will catch up with him. Encourage but don't nag. Love him for who he is and pray for him. Thats how my wife "fixed" me !

I have been married to 'michelle2566' for nearly 25 years, during that time we have certainly experienced most things but have come through them together, from money worries to seperation. We have never gone into any hobby or activity together but have always ended up doing them together. The best advice I can give you is to try and make the healthy lifestyle appeal to him, long walks in the country followed by a pub lunch!! Our weight loss and lifestyle change has been bought about compromise and by balance. We still do all the unhealthy stuff but offset the effect by doing some healthy stuff. Being healthy has to be a goal for him too, if you try to force your ideals on him it will drive him further away from you. Believe me, I've been the guy! But I've learned to compromise and not to dismiss other peoples ideas or ideals without giving them a try. These have even included aquarobics sessions at the gym with Michelle and 30 other women!!! We now both enjoy the healthy lifestyle but also enjoy some 'unhealthy' diversions along the way.
If you can't both do things together, you should enjoy the things that you do do together and accept that you both have separate personalities and this means seperate ideals and aspirations. These may well mean you do lots of things separately but make sure the things you do together make you both happy.
Good luck! Finally, don't try too hard !!