Chubby Chaser or Truth? GF says enough already! stop losing

neznarf0205 · January 2012

I weighed in this morning and I am 29 pounds down from my start weight of 261, 19 pounds lost since joining MFP. I am a male 48 years old, 5' 11" tall. I weighed 231.8 this AM my goal is 190 pounds and then to maintain between 190 and 200.

My GF today (who is a RN) says I should stop at 230 because i am fine and 190 isn't reasonable. That if I get to the 190 I will just gain all my weight back and then be sad, but If I make my goal the 230 and now switch to maintain mode I will be happy.

I was kind of devastated, I was expecting a good job on getting to 232 pounds. I am happy she accepts me as i am, but I don't believe I am at a healthy weight. I am not trying to get to the recommended weight for my height. At 190 my BMI would still be 26 or 27 and considered overweight. I got to 202 pounds back in 2001 and I looked and felt great and i am thinking I would again. I still have diabetes and circulation issues which I did point out to her. My goal in losing isn't just to get skinny but to get off my medications. She wavered a bit when I told her that, but I don't think she was sold.

Does she have a point?

I know she finds bigger guys more attractive than skinny ones and at 190 I will still be a bigger guy in my opinion. I also plan to change my exercise from 90% aerobic to 75% weight lifting so that I can tone and reshape myself. I don't want to lose all this weight only to lose my GF of the past three years.

She is at a different point in her life than I am. She is only 41 years old, and doesn't have the best eating and exercise habits, but I don't bother her about all of that. If we go out I order and do something healthy and smaller portion but I don't deny her or pick on her about her habits. Do you think that she may just be mad that I am doing something about my weight but she isn't?

Has anyone else gone through this with a loved one? My Ex Wife lost 140 pounds through gastric bypass. I loved her when she was obese and I loved her as she lost weight. (she loved a lot of other people besides me though LOL). I don't understand where this is coming from.

neznarf0205 · January 2012

My BMI is 32.3 right now. I am still considered obese until I hit 210.

d2footballJRC · January 2012

My BMI is 32.3 right now. I am still considered obese until I hit 210.

Honest opinion. You know when you are at the weight you want to be. You will feel great, if you feel you aren't there then I'd go with that judgement. Your girl loves you, then she'll understand that. You have to feel good about where you are or its all for naught.

Eaglesfanintn · January 2012

I think you're right about her not wanting you to lose too much because of her own insecurities. As she sees you getting healthier, she may be worried that you'll move on from her.
Anyone who tells you that 230 is a healthy weight is just wrong. You are about the same height and age as I am and, at 218, I think I'm still way too heavy. I'm also looking to hit about 185-190 and then maintain from there. For her to be an RN and still say that is what makes me think that she's projecting her issues on to you.
You're doing great and should be getting encouragement from her. Be proud of how far you've come already and keep your eye on your goals. Perhaps as you get nearer your goal weight and she sees that you still love her, she'll be happier and more supportive

Sidesteal · January 2012

I have a few opinions on this.

First, blame Paula Dean. That bish clearly is out to sabotage all of us.

More to the point though, I would guess that it's possible that some of her issues with your weight loss has to do with her own body and/or eating habits. As an RN I would assume that she should know that 5'11" and 230 is not healthy.

(Hopefully you don't take this out of context-- you are doing GREAT so far and I'm sure you'll keep kicking *kitten* and dropping weight-- so in that regard, congrats!)

Even 5'11" and 190, unless you're packing quite a bit of lean mass, is still overweight. I don't say that to discourage you at all, obviously 190 is light-years ahead of 260 in terms of being healthy -- just making a point that your GF is clearly not considering health markers when she is thinking about your weight. To me, that's a little concerning.

In closing, these are just my thoughts on this and I know I'm probably not offering any help whatsoever at this point....

teagin2002 · January 2012

I hate the BMI chart, I would keep going if you felt like you should, but focus more on the weights. I also like bigger men and if you lift she will appreciate what you have done to your body. You will look very HOT!!! and not skinny at all :bigsmile:

carrie_eggo · January 2012

I would guess that it's possible that some of her issues with your weight loss has to do with her own body and/or eating habits.

^I kind of agree here.

rml_16 · January 2012

I'm 5'3" and small-framed. My boyfriend told me at 155 that I was too skinny and needed to stop. I told him I wasn't happy yet and it's about me, not him and kept going.

Do what makes you happy.

People who are used to seeing you at a certain weight have a hard time accepting that you will still look good at a lower weight. They just need time to get used to it.

rml_16 · January 2012

First, blame Paula Dean. That bish clearly is out to sabotage all of us.

That goes without saying.

erxkeel · January 2012

No. Dont stop. 190 is much more reasonable for your height. My opinion only. You have to make that choice. Not her, not me.

teagin2002 · January 2012

one more thing I am 5'4 and 178lbs. My body fat % is 24% and my dress size is 8.
My measurements are 37" chest 36D, 25" waist, 37" hip
My BMI says I am obese but according to my Doc I am not!!
I am posting my pics just to show you how small I look with an Obese reading on my BMI.

These pics were taken yesterday after my workout at the gym:

I would ignore the BMI chart and just start lifting heavy and hard, it will give you much better results :flowerforyou:

Edited to add a pic of me at my starting weight 11/2010

NightOwl1 · January 2012

I think 190 is definitely a better weight for your height. I'm 5'11 and 185 right now, and I still have further down I can go. Because you started higher, you naturally have more lean muscle mass than me, so 190 on you will look better than 185 does on me.

A lot of people have significant others who don't want them to lose weight. I don't understand it. It's one thing to love your SO no matter what even if they're overweight, but it's a completely different thing to stand in the way of their weight loss when it's something that they want.

philOHIO · January 2012

My Ex Wife lost 140 pounds through gastric bypass. I loved her when she was obese and I loved her as she lost weight. (she loved a lot of other people besides me though LOL). I don't understand where this is coming from.

I love that you said this... only because there have been at least a dozen couples in my circle of friends that the woman lost weight and 'rediscovered her hotness' and ran off with another guy. Problem is... these were GOOD husbands, not abusers or lazies. Don't understand it.

NaomiLyn15 · January 2012

I think you're right about her not wanting you to lose too much because of her own insecurities. As she sees you getting healthier, she may be worried that you'll move on from her.

I agree with this. When I was at my heaviest, my husband started running again. He is a naturally thin guy (I actually only started weighing less than him in the last 2 months). So, when he started to trim up even more, I got really upset. But, really it was my own insecurities that were taking over. It wasn't that I didn't love him at any weight, because I definitely do. I just felt guilty because he looked so good, and I looked like a whale. But, now that I have taken control of my own life, I can see that. So, I think that you should continue on your path. Your goals don't seem unrealistic. Talk with your doctor, see if they agree with you that your end weight is right for your build, and then work towards that. I doubt that you will lose her because you are getting healthier, but if you do, then she truly didn't love you for you, and you deserve better than that anyway. Easier to say than live through, I know. But, don't let her discourage you from getting healthier. Good luck, and I hope that you do get off your meds!

katherinemm31 · January 2012

I'm not going to try to play shrink to your wife, but I can tell you that I love teddy bears and lots of other women do, too. So sue me for never growing out of attraction to stuffed animals and fluffy pillows. Guys with a little belly are cute and cuddly. They keep you warmer in the winter.

I bet your wife will be attracted to you one way or another, but you should do whatever you feel is healthiest. That said, I don't think BMI is necessarily an indicator of health, and many doctors will say the same thing. Some elements of health that are excluded by BMI are build, where you hold your weight and how much cardio exercise you are able to do. In the end, you want a strong heart and muscles, but BMI is too general a number to get hung up on.

aimstein · January 2012

Perhaps your gf is a little insecure or just likes you a little bigger...I'm not sure since I don't know her, but it seems if she is an RN she would put your health concerns and needs before her personal preferences. I'm sure she'd like you healthy and alive the most...even if you're a little smaller or "skinny".

Continue on "your" path....do what makes you feel good and healthy. Your goal of 190 seems fine, and I think lifting in addition to your cardio is a smart path. Good luck on your journey and congrats on the accomplishments you've already made. Continue to do this for you. When you're happy and healthy everything else just seems to fall in line.

nuviag · January 2012

opinion only

she thinks if you keep looking better you'll be to hot for her

gary8964 · January 2012

Like another poster said, I HATE THE BMI CHART!! I am 47 and either 6' even or 6'1" depending on which convenience store I'm leaving (props to Ron White aka "Tater Salad"), and according to the BMI chart,(did I mention that I HATE IT,),my ideal weight is supposed to be somewhere between 180 and 200 lbs. That being said, even my Dietician expressed that due to my frame, that may not be a healthy weight range for me personally. My interim goal is 220 by memorial day, and then to eventually get to somewhere around 210 +/- a few. I would still be considered overweight according to "the chart", but because I do try to work out (mostly dumbbells/ body weight) and do as much cardio as I can fit in, I think my actual measured BMI will put me in a much better range. Thats just my humble opinion though.

beqy12 · January 2012

Thank you for this post.

My boyfriend is on a quest to get very muscular and he was smaller when I met him. I don't like the gym rat muscular look and kept telling him he looked good the way he was. I would look at his magazines with him and tell him I thought the bodybuilders looked gross. Your post has made me realize how selfish I'm being and should support him in whatever makes him feels best about himself, and congratulate him when he reaches the milestones he's aiming for. Thank you for opening my eyes to this. I guess sometimes it's easy to get blinded by what we want and just be plain selfish. Tell her you're excited about your goal and would appreciate her support.

However - here's the BOTTOM LINE: scrawny skinny or meat-head jacked, I'm still going to love him all the same... even if his neck does get all muscle head big someday and he can't put his arms down, it would not change my feelings about him.

If your GF has been with you for three years, I'm sure(hope) your case is the same.

nuviag · January 2012

Bmi doesnt ask you if your curvy ...you do look good

one more thing I am 5'4 and 178lbs. My body fat % is 24% and my dress size is 8.
My measurements are 37" chest 36D, 25" waist, 37" hip
My BMI says I am obese but according to my Doc I am not!!
I am posting my pics just to show you how small I look with an Obese reading on my BMI.

These pics were taken yesterday after my workout at the gym:

I would ignore the BMI chart and just start lifting heavy and hard, it will give you much better results :flowerforyou:

Edited to add a pic of me at my starting weight 11/2010

GinNouveau · January 2012

Love isn't logical. Talk to her about your goals and listen to her reasons why she thinks you don't need to lose anymore weight. Is it because she doesn't want you to be upset if you have a hard time getting to your goal? Is she telling you that she loves you the way you are so you don't feel like she will be disappointed if you don't lose? Is she insecure about her own weight and think you will think less of her or judge her bad habits if you meet your goal? Does she feel like your changing habits are changing your relationship? Does she think that you will become more attractive and fears the attention you may get from other women? She loves the way you look now and that's great! But the most important thing is that she love who you are at any weight. If she's feeling insecure, a little attention or extra reassurance while you're going through these changes could help. Get to where you want to be, this is for YOU. If she is really shallow enough to only like you heavy, then she may not like you old or sick either.

harley0269 · January 2012

I can tell you exactly that she is projecting her own insecurities onto you!

she likes you big because she is bigger. you were her cheating partner.
she could eat what she wants & you wont say anything because you were the same way.

but now things are changing & she is scared.

She is scared that you will not find her attractive when you are fit & she isnt.
she is scared that you will be healthy & preach to her about being healthy & she is not ready for that.

you were her comfort zone.

if you get all thin & trim she wont be, it will be in the back of her mind that "jack sprat could eat no fat & his wife could eat no lean".

get it?

it will be in her head that other people are thinking "why is he with her? he could do so much better." blah blah blah

& if you get healthy & get off your meds, you won't need her anymore.

its not so much about you as it is her, in a subconscience way.

But then again, I could be totally wrong.

PS. get healthy, keep going, get off those meds! either she will come around or she wont. But thats on her, not you. Don't let someone elses insecurities stop you from being healthy & living longer.

Dave198lbs · January 2012

talk to her just as you did here

teagin2002 · January 2012

I'm not going to try to play shrink to your wife, but I can tell you that I love teddy bears and lots of other women do, too. So sue me for never growing out of attraction to stuffed animals and fluffy pillows. Guys with a little belly are cute and cuddly. They keep you warmer in the winter.

I bet your wife will be attracted to you one way or another, but you should do whatever you feel is healthiest. That said, I don't think BMI is necessarily an indicator of health, and many doctors will say the same thing. Some elements of health that are excluded by BMI are build, where you hold your weight and how much cardio exercise you are able to do. In the end, you want a strong heart and muscles, but BMI is too general a number to get hung up on.

This^^^ I like big guys I said it before, she is probably like me. I need him big and strong so he can handle me the rite way

and that is probably what she is concerned about. I said what I would do in your place above, and I hope you do it cause I think you are so cute and if you bulked up a bit you would be even more hot!!! food for thought :flowerforyou:

For_the_Last_Time · January 2012

That if I get to the 190 I will just gain all my weight back and then be sad

This part bugged me. Telling you that you are just going to fail isn't being very supportive. This is coming from someone who has done it a couple of times and yes I have failed and put the weight back on but if my husband said that to me I would seriously stick my foot up somewhere.

Unless your relationship is based purely on your size she will adjust to the new you. Like others have said its probably more of her insecurities talking and not actually talking as a health professional.

cPT_Helice · January 2012

I agree with what pretty much everyone has said here. She may just like big guys or she may be afraid of losing you if you look "too good" or she may just be jealous of your success. My ex got so p-o'd at me when I quit smoking. SERIOUSLY!! He said I did it behind his back, blah, blah, blah. He couldn't quit and didn't care about my health, obviously.
190 sounds like a good weight for you. She should KNOW that your weight is not yet in a healthy region and that should be her main concern.

castadiva · January 2012

It's a tricky one, because obviously I don't know you, or your GF. That said, I have three comments:
1) I applaud your wish to lose weight in order to get off medication, but could this not also potentially be achieved by focusing on toning up and getting fitter, rather than solely weight loss?
2) Many women do find someone 'bigger' than them attractive - no matter how 'evolved' we are, most of us still want to feel that the man we're with could 'protect' us physically, if the need arose. We also like to feel feminine and petite next to you. My guess would be that your GF would still feel protected if you gained some extra muscle, and were still physically bigger than she is (but probably in better health!), and would consequently be less inclined to object. I can't see your body in your photo, so I'm speculating here, without knowing what your physical tone and fitness is like right now.
3) Don't get too hung up on the BMI scale - it's notoriously over-general and was designed to measure populations rather than individuals. What is healthy for your body may, or may not, reflect what the BMI chart says is 'healthy'.

As I say, speculating in the dark, but that's my 10 cents...

grapenutSF · January 2012

talk to her just as you did here

I agree. I would be concerned. Something's amiss, and I'd want to resolve it with her. Nothing wring with getting advice, perspective, and ideas, but ultimately the two of you need to learn what's behind this odd idea that you ought not to aim to be healthier. I won't interpret what's behind it, but I can certainly verify it is odd (esp for a trained RN) and would not be OK by me.

epoeraven · January 2012

I too am attracted to a more "chubby" type of guy. That being said.....I would never disagree with what a doctor says, especially when there are health issues to consider. What does your doctor say is a good weight for you? If he agrees with 190 then I say go for it and tell your girlfriend to deal with it.

JohnnyResets · January 2012

Hey buddy, I'm chasing a lower weight too. Currently at just under 283 but shooting for 195 to 200. My doc says I should be happy is I can get down to 220 - 230, but I really want to try because that 195 weight is a healthy BMI for me (based on what the calculator says).

My wife has been pretty supportive. Sounds like you're girlfriend is lucky to have you Possibly subconsciously, she sees your success as a possible threat to your relationship? You know, "once he gets really thin he'll maybe want to shop around" .

Change is hard for everyone; the person making the change and the people surrounding/supporting you too. Your journey is your journey though. I bet as she sees your success slowly and you keep "sneaking" a little healthy activity in for the two of you, she'll come around. You'll succeed and motivate her into starting a similar journey and you'll enjoy the benefits together for a really really long time

Horskrzy · January 2012

People who are used to seeing you at a certain weight have a hard time accepting that you will still look good at a lower weight. They just need time to get used to it.

I couldn't agree more to the above quote. In addition, I've noticed that the one's who insisted that I looked real good after losing just 20 pounds of the target of 57, also implied or outright said I should stop....... were also overweight.

Insecure? Guilty over their lack of progress or action? Not sure, but it was disheartening as I expected just the opposite!

My wife also initially expressed concern over my goal weight of 195 as she thought I might be "too skinny" (I was 165 when we got married, go figure!). After showing her that 195 was only 10 pounds under the "overweight" scale for 6' 4" and assuring her my body would decide when to stop, not the scale or charts, she relented.

The past few weeks now have been great as she is now openly offering encouragement vs. discouragement, which I appreciate greatly!. Could it be that my success and significantly improved health/well-being has inspired her as she has now stepping up her weight loss efforts? Not my place to say but I'm certainly glad that we're now both headed in the same direction as I only want to share a healthier and more active lifestyle with her for another 35 plus years.

So in closing I'd like to say that regardless of how we each do:

"No worries Mate, you're mine for life!"

:flowerforyou:

Chubby Chaser or Truth? GF says enough already! stop losing

Replies

Categories