Home Sweet....Jail cell???

Hello everyone,

My name is Marina and I have lost 11lbs so far....anyway....I am in my lunch right now and I am reflecting on the many things I want to do when I reach my goal. My list kept getting so large that I stopped for a second and thought to myself..."well gosh how many things did I deprive myself of??". So I started to write a list of all the things I deprived myself because of my weight. I recommend you do this so that everytime you "lose motivation" you look back at the list and really see how the weight has SENTENCED YOU. I mean think about it, we became our own judge and sentenced us to this ridiculous life. Okay so here I am 26 yrs old and this is what I never did or won't do.....

1. Don't wear dresses: my thighs are huge, my legs are not toned...too ashamed to show them.
2. Don't wear shorts: It could be 120 degrees and this girl wear jeans
3. Won't wear tank tops: why show my flabby fat arms??
4. Don't go to the beach: Me in a bathing suit??? NO WAYYY
5. Never went tanning: too afraid of what people will think of me, I don't want anyone seeing my body.
6. Won't get a pedicure: I do it myself so no one has to see my huge legs.
7. Won't go to the clubs/launges: See #1, I don't wear dresses.
8. Don't go to the mall: I don't want people staring at me, besides nothing fits so why bother??
9. Don't wear boots: My calves are too big, they don't fit.
10. Won't go to the gym: too many skinny girls prancing around.
11. Won't take Zumba classes: too afraid of what people think.
12. Won't go to the fair: I am afraid I won't fit in the rides
14. Won't wear ankle bracelets: my ankles are chunky, they won't fit.
15. Don't wear flats: flats make my legs look short and thick, at least heels make me a bit leaner...I think
16. Don't ever participate in social events: why?? just another opportunity for people to look at me
17. Won't go to church: don't have enough outfits that look nice.
18. Always turns down dates: he possibly can't like me, i don't even like myself.
19. won't take pics: why look at myself in a pic and torture myself??
20. Never went to college: kids made fun of me all my life, why give them another opportunity to do it again??
21. Never went to prom: I don't wear dresses remember?
22. Don't want to marry: I don't wear DRESSES!!!


The list goes on and on....so here I am...single mother of a 1yr old, lonely, no friends, every weekend I am at home. And I have MYSELF to blame....I have allowed the weight to dictate what lifestyle I will live. Sounds ridiculous huh??? I have had such low self esteem that I chose not to even go to college!!!! Crazy huh?? Here I am, 26 yrs old....and lonely.

Before you give up, or eat those extra "not needed" calories...remember....you are slowly sentencing yourself .

I feel like I need to address your list one point at a time:

1. Do you want to wear dresses? I ask because I DON'T. I actually think I look thinner in dresses, but I'm not a dress sort of person. If you do like dresses, consider that you really don't look bigger in them, and may actually look smaller. Buy some that fit and look great--go to a place where the sales people help you choose and try on--and pick what makes you feel beautiful and sexy.
2. Again, do you want to? Because these I do want to wear, so I do. I've seen plenty of gorgeous, sexy women who are big (Queen Latifah comes to mind), and I choose shorts I am comfortable in and I just wear them. But then, I don't care what anybody thinks, either. I don't think anyone should.
3. See #3. I wear tank tops AND I wear strapless tops. When it's warm, of course. I still don't get the teenagers who wear this stuff when it's freezing cold!
4. WHY NOT! The sun and positive ions make you feel GREAT! Walking on the beach burns more calories than walking on hard ground, is easier on your knees, and tones your legs beautifully!
5. I don't tan because it's a HUGE risk for skin cancer and I've already had 2 other cancers, but I thought you tan in a private booth or tanning bed, don't you? If this makes you feel good, why not do it?
6. I can assure you a pedicurist couldn't care less about your legs. This is a great way to feel pretty and sexy. Just take a deep breath and DO IT!
7. I still think you'd look slimmer in dresses, but even if you don't want to wear a dress, a dressy pant outfit is more than acceptable, and dancing is one of the best exercises for you.
8. How you gonna get clothes that flatter you if you don't go shopping? Look around! At the mall you will see people MUCH bigger than you.
9. There are large calf boots. Try http://goo.gl/GQkxk
10. That seems a bit circular but you don't HAVE to work out in a gym.
11. That also seems circular, but that's not the only way to work out.
12. You'll fit, trust me. I fit. (I LOVE rides at the fair!!)
14. So what? Honestly. There is something everyone doesn't wear for one reason or another. Big deal.
15. Heels make everyone's legs look better, though they may actually make your calves bigger around due to the shortening of the gastrocnemius, but everybody's legs look better in heels, regardless of weight. It's a silly reason to destroy your feet, IMO.
16. Again, this is a choice you've made. It's really NOT related to your size--that's just an easy thing to blame. You just have to do this.
17. I'm an atheist and have my own opinion on church, but I would THINK that your being there would count for more than how you were dressed. If it doesn't, find another church.
18. Well, now, that actually seems a bit arrogant. Don't you think people can decide for themselves if they find you attractive, and who gave you the right to decide for someone who asks you out who he finds attractive?
19. Because pictures of yourself would give you a better idea of how you REALLY look. Clearly you don't have a clear idea, because your picture here is gorgeous.
20. Is that really the reason you didn't go to college? Because I don't believe it.
21. Prom is past. Forget about it. I didn't go either. I'm a lesbian and my catholic shcool would never have allowed me to bring a female date. Hasn't affected my life one bit.
22. I STILL think you'd look slimmer in dresses, but you DON'T have to be married in a dress! And you don't have to want to be married at all. It's may be you simply don't want to get married. No big deal.

I wonder if you've considered that you are suffering from post partum depression, because obviously you have dated, or at least slept with, someone. (#18 and #22.) You didn't get a baby without that. (I'm aware it's possible--I'm a lesbian who has many friends who conceived via in vitro or AI--it just seems unlikely in your case.) A lot of what's on your list are symptoms of depression, and it would certainly help your weight loss and fitness goals to address that. Maybe get some counseling?

I have trouble fitting in c4 corvettes (84-96 models for non car people), squashed between the console and door lol

I love this post! I felt like it was something I could have written!! Just keep working hard every day for yourself, and like someone said in a last post that I liked “The moment I decided that nobody else's opinion mattered to me, was the moment I began changing my life.”

Wow, I need to print this and put it on my fridge : )

Thank you all so much for the feedback!!

Low self esteem has been such a big part of my life, a part that I am no longer interested in being associated with and slowly I am letting go of it. Therapy is something that I have considered....now bear in mind I use to be 230 lbs, and now I am 191 lbs. I started MFP when I was 203lbs. Most of the things that are on my list are things that I am slowley conquering and opening myself to. I guess when you have been overweight for so long, your mind somehow still thinks that you are overweight...do you all feel me?? I still have to battle with my mind and tell it to STOP I AM WORTH SOMETHING DAMN IT!! I swear it's like my own personal deamons just keep crushing my spirits....but each day I battle them and so far I have been doing well.

Once again thank you sooo much!!!

Much love!!!

It is great to know that you have been working on your issues. We all have them but some of us are just too ashamed/afraid, etc to acknowledge them and work on them. BTW therapy is a great thing to consider, and I am not just saying that because I'm a counselor. :-)

I turn the lights off. That way I can pretend my husband doesn't know what I look like.

Wow. This made me stop and really pause. That seems really sad to me, and I bet your husband would hate you thinking this way.