LOVE HIM OR LET HIM LEAVE???
mlbazemore
Posts: 252 Member
Here's my situation and eventhough I know it's a decision I will ultimately have to make myself I was wondering what would others do in my situation...
I've been with my fiance for 8 years, we just had a son together May of last year and was engaged shortly after. Our family consisted of the two of us, my son and daughter and his two daughters before the birth of our son. To paint you a picture of our relationship...I have loved this man through countless infidelities, a miscarraige, him not having a job or having a job where he might as well not have one, his abandonment issues from being put up for adoption, issues with his adoptive family, issues with him being away from his family and friends (since we live in North Carolina and he's from Philadelphia). And I'm not trying to paint an evil picture of him because then the comment might be "well why do you love him". I love him beyond a reason, he came into my life when I thought I should just give up on being in love or trying to find someone who would love me flaws and all. Everything I never wanted to admit I hated about myself he loved and he taught me to do the same (ie. my weight, my dark skin, my smile, even my glasses).
We struggled through his being unemployed but I would never let our relationship end over money, I'm not a money hungry chick and I've learned early on to make the best out of what you have and that's what we did. But now he has a job that's paying pretty decent for the area we live in and things seem to be taking a turn for the worst. I'm actually making more hours because my General Manager is out, health reasons she'll be back in a few weeks, and there's a desk clerk who leaves EVERY year to work at H&R Block...if I'm confusing you, I work the desk at a hotel. He's now giving me attitude about the time that we don't have for eachother because of work but my work hasn't really changed, I've never had a set schedule, I've always mainly worked 3pm to 11pm, I work at least one day out of the weekend and often two, and the schedule is made a month in advance but always subject to change. However, his job is 11pm to 7am, with most weekends off. We don't spend time because when he comes home he showers, eats breakfast (which I make), and goes to sleep until it's time for him to get ready for work. The whole week is like this and he still sleeps most of the day away on the weekends. I wish we had more time together, but I'm not complaining...where does he have the right to complain, and it's not like my schedule will be this crazy all year. My GM will be back soon enough, and the other desk clerk will be back by May. My whole thing is this; he's angry because he doesn't have time to spend with his family....BUT THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. I'm trying to be a team player here, EVERYONE is pulling more than just their fair share at work but he feels like I'm volunteering for extra days when I'M NOT. Of course I'm family first all the way but...uuggghhh!!! I just don't know what to do, his tone is becoming very serious and I don't know if we will make it through what should be the best and easiest year of our relationship. More money more problems, I swear, and it's not like we're balling out of control...it's not like we don't need the extra money. He says he'd choose love over money everytime...but really it's his love over my money because if time is the issue then find a job where you don't have to sleep all day and work all night. Nooooo, it's change MY job. What would you do if it came down to him saying "I'm leaving, you don't have time for me and your family", do I fight for my relationship when it's something this lame he wants to leave over,possibly having to quit my job and HOPE that I can find a job that meets his criteria or do I let him leave, stay friends, and wish him the best. I've done so much fighting to keep us together I don't know if I have any fight left in me and what little I might have seems wasted on this scenerio. Any suggestions??? I'm open.
I'm sorry to be long winded and even if I don't get any responses it was just therapeutic to get it off my chest. Thanks MFP fam for helping once again.
Marica
I've been with my fiance for 8 years, we just had a son together May of last year and was engaged shortly after. Our family consisted of the two of us, my son and daughter and his two daughters before the birth of our son. To paint you a picture of our relationship...I have loved this man through countless infidelities, a miscarraige, him not having a job or having a job where he might as well not have one, his abandonment issues from being put up for adoption, issues with his adoptive family, issues with him being away from his family and friends (since we live in North Carolina and he's from Philadelphia). And I'm not trying to paint an evil picture of him because then the comment might be "well why do you love him". I love him beyond a reason, he came into my life when I thought I should just give up on being in love or trying to find someone who would love me flaws and all. Everything I never wanted to admit I hated about myself he loved and he taught me to do the same (ie. my weight, my dark skin, my smile, even my glasses).
We struggled through his being unemployed but I would never let our relationship end over money, I'm not a money hungry chick and I've learned early on to make the best out of what you have and that's what we did. But now he has a job that's paying pretty decent for the area we live in and things seem to be taking a turn for the worst. I'm actually making more hours because my General Manager is out, health reasons she'll be back in a few weeks, and there's a desk clerk who leaves EVERY year to work at H&R Block...if I'm confusing you, I work the desk at a hotel. He's now giving me attitude about the time that we don't have for eachother because of work but my work hasn't really changed, I've never had a set schedule, I've always mainly worked 3pm to 11pm, I work at least one day out of the weekend and often two, and the schedule is made a month in advance but always subject to change. However, his job is 11pm to 7am, with most weekends off. We don't spend time because when he comes home he showers, eats breakfast (which I make), and goes to sleep until it's time for him to get ready for work. The whole week is like this and he still sleeps most of the day away on the weekends. I wish we had more time together, but I'm not complaining...where does he have the right to complain, and it's not like my schedule will be this crazy all year. My GM will be back soon enough, and the other desk clerk will be back by May. My whole thing is this; he's angry because he doesn't have time to spend with his family....BUT THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. I'm trying to be a team player here, EVERYONE is pulling more than just their fair share at work but he feels like I'm volunteering for extra days when I'M NOT. Of course I'm family first all the way but...uuggghhh!!! I just don't know what to do, his tone is becoming very serious and I don't know if we will make it through what should be the best and easiest year of our relationship. More money more problems, I swear, and it's not like we're balling out of control...it's not like we don't need the extra money. He says he'd choose love over money everytime...but really it's his love over my money because if time is the issue then find a job where you don't have to sleep all day and work all night. Nooooo, it's change MY job. What would you do if it came down to him saying "I'm leaving, you don't have time for me and your family", do I fight for my relationship when it's something this lame he wants to leave over,possibly having to quit my job and HOPE that I can find a job that meets his criteria or do I let him leave, stay friends, and wish him the best. I've done so much fighting to keep us together I don't know if I have any fight left in me and what little I might have seems wasted on this scenerio. Any suggestions??? I'm open.
I'm sorry to be long winded and even if I don't get any responses it was just therapeutic to get it off my chest. Thanks MFP fam for helping once again.
Marica
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Replies
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This sounds like a temporary problem. Sit down like adults and discuss it from that perspective. And while there is extra income, build a savings safety nest. You should have 6 month's worth of living expenses in savings. Then there is retirement and college for the kids. Things go up, things go down. It is the long run that matters.0
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This is JUST my opinion
It sounds to me like you have been there for every turn, and bump in the road for this man, doing WHATEVER it took to make things work. and he can't suck it up and support you for a few weeks to get through this mad rush? Sounds awfully selfish of him.
It sounds to me like you are putting WAY more than your half of work in this relationship.
If you are the only one fighting, you are the only one in the moment who cares enough TO fight.
My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
Some things are worth fighting over, some things are worth fighting FOR, does he feel like you are worth fighting for? Have you told him that you feel as though he isn't being supportive of you in this time of need? sit down and have a good rational talk.
I understand that it is a GOOD thing he wants you around more, but he has to understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and he has to be there for the ride, or get the hell off the train!0 -
I know it's not as simple as just yes or no, but if this guy isn't giving you the love, trust and honesty you should be able to expect in a healthy relationship, then you shouldn't LET him leave. You should MAKE him leave.0
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^^^^^^^^^This is JUST my opinion
It sounds to me like you have been there for every turn, and bump in the road for this man, doing WHATEVER it took to make things work. and he can't suck it up and support you for a few weeks to get through this mad rush? Sounds awfully selfish of him.
It sounds to me like you are putting WAY more than your half of work in this relationship.
If you are the only one fighting, you are the only one in the moment who cares enough TO fight.
My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
Some things are worth fighting over, some things are worth fighting FOR, does he feel like you are worth fighting for? Have you told him that you feel as though he isn't being supportive of you in this time of need? sit down and have a good rational talk.
I understand that it is a GOOD thing he wants you around more, but he has to understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and he has to be there for the ride, or get the hell off the train!
THIS - wow - great advice!0 -
I wouldn't leave him, but it sounds like your job has been stable over the years so it would be asinine to leave it. Why can't he be looking for a new job while he has this job?0
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THIS!This is JUST my opinion
It sounds to me like you have been there for every turn, and bump in the road for this man, doing WHATEVER it took to make things work. and he can't suck it up and support you for a few weeks to get through this mad rush? Sounds awfully selfish of him.
It sounds to me like you are putting WAY more than your half of work in this relationship.
If you are the only one fighting, you are the only one in the moment who cares enough TO fight.
My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
Some things are worth fighting over, some things are worth fighting FOR, does he feel like you are worth fighting for? Have you told him that you feel as though he isn't being supportive of you in this time of need? sit down and have a good rational talk.
I understand that it is a GOOD thing he wants you around more, but he has to understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and he has to be there for the ride, or get the hell off the train!0 -
Straight up. It's not about you loving him.............................it's about him loving you. And it don't sound like it.
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
This is JUST my opinion
It sounds to me like you have been there for every turn, and bump in the road for this man, doing WHATEVER it took to make things work. and he can't suck it up and support you for a few weeks to get through this mad rush? Sounds awfully selfish of him.
It sounds to me like you are putting WAY more than your half of work in this relationship.
If you are the only one fighting, you are the only one in the moment who cares enough TO fight.
My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
Some things are worth fighting over, some things are worth fighting FOR, does he feel like you are worth fighting for? Have you told him that you feel as though he isn't being supportive of you in this time of need? sit down and have a good rational talk.
I understand that it is a GOOD thing he wants you around more, but he has to understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and he has to be there for the ride, or get the hell off the train!
Agree!!0 -
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you know you can't keep anyone when they don't want to be kept. The question is, do *you* want to be kept any longer by him? Sometimes relationships just run their course and both people are prepared to walk away without a fight, and it's ok to do that. Only you can take a look at the larger picture and determine whether you're there yet.
Anyone who knows me knows I always encourage people to leave situations in which they're compromising core parts of themselves to salvage a failing relationship. I have been in this position before, including situations involving children. I think a family is better off with emotionally healthy parents living apart rather than emotionally hurt living together.0 -
I think the fact that you are even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
^^^ I agree! You know what you need to do. Good luck!
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It bothers me that you have to ask the question in the first place. Obviously your gut is telling you something.
It bothers me that he seems to be giving you an ultimatum... make a decent living or he's gone. Especially when times have been tough and you can use the money. You do have children to feed.
It bothers me that he's cheated on you in the past and yet you still feel that HE is the reason for your self confidence and self worth?
It bothers me that he seems to be selfish and require that all of your attention be focused on him. Am I right? He's not a child.
I would probably pass him a pair of big-boy pants on his way out the door.
JMO.0 -
I'm never going to give the advice to leave in a situation like this... I would talk with him. Work it out. Is there any way you could change your hours for just a couple days of the week or any way that he could? You guys just need some time together it sounds like.I know this is probably very hard for you, seeing as how you are only trying to support your family, but if taking a couple hours off during the week where you normally wouldn't (or him also, if it's a possibility) would fix the problem, then I think it's worth a shot! But the biggest thing is to talk to him about it. Get eachothers perspectives...
Make it work... you love him and it sound like he loves you. And that's worth more than the money... finances, although difficult as hell to deal with, always find a way of working out. :flowerforyou:0 -
This is JUST my opinion
It sounds to me like you have been there for every turn, and bump in the road for this man, doing WHATEVER it took to make things work. and he can't suck it up and support you for a few weeks to get through this mad rush? Sounds awfully selfish of him.
It sounds to me like you are putting WAY more than your half of work in this relationship.
If you are the only one fighting, you are the only one in the moment who cares enough TO fight.
My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
Some things are worth fighting over, some things are worth fighting FOR, does he feel like you are worth fighting for? Have you told him that you feel as though he isn't being supportive of you in this time of need? sit down and have a good rational talk.
I understand that it is a GOOD thing he wants you around more, but he has to understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and he has to be there for the ride, or get the hell off the train!
I agree with this ^^^
You deserve the best, everyone does. Don't settle for less
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I think you know the answer. You just need confirmation. 0
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You lost me at "countless infidelities". I don't even know you, and I know you're worth more than that. Good luck with your decision.0
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Countless infidelities? Sleeps away the weekend, then complains about having no time with his family? With all due respect, he kind of sounds like a dirtbag.
You can love someone, but still let them leave because you know in your heart that you deserve better.0 -
totally agree! u really need to sit down with him and talk things through. if he isn't going to be supportive of a temporary change to ur work when u have been supportive of countless things ,including infidelity, then he may not be worth the effort.....This is JUST my opinion
It sounds to me like you have been there for every turn, and bump in the road for this man, doing WHATEVER it took to make things work. and he can't suck it up and support you for a few weeks to get through this mad rush? Sounds awfully selfish of him.
It sounds to me like you are putting WAY more than your half of work in this relationship.
If you are the only one fighting, you are the only one in the moment who cares enough TO fight.
My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
Some things are worth fighting over, some things are worth fighting FOR, does he feel like you are worth fighting for? Have you told him that you feel as though he isn't being supportive of you in this time of need? sit down and have a good rational talk.
I understand that it is a GOOD thing he wants you around more, but he has to understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and he has to be there for the ride, or get the hell off the train!0 -
You lost me at "countless infidelities". I don't even know you, and I know you're worth more than that. Good luck with your decision.
^What she said. My mom always told me "A leopard never changed his spots"0 -
Love him....AND let him leave if that's what he decides to do. You can't do anything, if that's his decision, other than continue to love him from a distance. He'll feel it, know it and most likely realize what he is giving up by leaving. I would sit down with him and tell him you feel like you're being pulled in two different directions (or however you really FEEL)
Tell him you love him and you will continue to love him no matter what he decides to do. Be supportive, but stand up for yourself too. He's going to do what he's going to do. You need to do what's right for YOU! Crazy schedules are a part of life in today's economic climate. You two can get through this if you can agree to compromise. Best of luck.0 -
me too, instant deal braker in my marriage!You lost me at "countless infidelities". I don't even know you, and I know you're worth more than that. Good luck with your decision.0 -
My only advice seems to be echoed in the posts above...listen to what your gut is telling you. Do you have a pastor that you and he can talk to together to try to talk out your issues?
His ultimatum sounds to me like a cover for some deeper issues or insecurities that HE is having. I highly recommend, if you choose to stay together, to talk to a pastor or counselor. Someone with perspective that can listen to both sides.
Above all, do what your gut tells you is right to do. It's NEVER wrong.
Keep us posted and stay strong! I can understand what you're going through...your story has similarities to mine.....0 -
I thank you all for giving me something to think about. He has asked me before "what, you want me out your life" usually after he's done something where I should be saying "I want you out my life" instead I say "is that what you want" and when he says no the knot in my throat softens and I feel relieved. I have told myself that if he asks me again, I'd say yes. I'd like to think that I have the strength to say yes. Often I wonder. His cheating is an issue, eventhough I'd like to believe it's a thing of the past, it's VERY hard for me to trust him and yet I still don't want to be without him. I don't want to sound like a glutton for punishment, and I'm not one who asks for advice after B**ching about her man and then defends him....but he's not a bad man. He's a good man and a good father, he's just more needy than I expect a man to be but I've excused a lot of that because of his abandonment issues. But you, MFP friends, are right I do have to do what's best for me and my family. He's my man not my child.
I have said to myself that I should stop chasing a man who doesn't want to be caught. And it was mentioned on one of the post that you can't keep someone who doesn't wants to be kept. I guess I'll have to face the ugly truth.0 -
All I can say is you really know what to do but for some reason you don't want to do it! A man only gets away with what a woman allows. Please if you can't find a way to love yourself better than that al least love your children better than that. You are really playing russian roulette because there are too many disease out there and where would that leave your children without their Mother. I'm a single mother and I couldn't imagine putting my children through the stress that this relationship have brought to your home. Believe me the children knows when something isn't right. My prayers are with you.0
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You lost me at infidelity... Ive been with my husband since I was 18 years old and if he EVER cheated on me, I would be done.0
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Words are cheap, actions are what show the character.
I can't give any other advice but to tell you I'll send a good thought your way as you make this decision. Good luck.0 -
You may love him, but it takes more than love to make a relationship work.
That's all I'm saying, others have made great points already, so I don't want to be repetitive.0 -
Every woman deserves a man who will be faithful to her. He didn't just cheat once, he cheated "countless" times. You've got all the warning signs in front of you before walking down the aisle. Please do what is best for you and your child in this situation. It is not always in the child's best interest for the parents to stay together. He has a lot to learn about relationships; one of them being respect. You deserve respect. It is just a matter of time before he cheats again. Don't wait until your heart breaks again to make a move.0
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Talk to the Lord and ask him to give you the guidance to endure this situation. Personally, I believe the relationship should go let go for awhile, You get you together, (mentally & physically) and then maybe you 2 can come back together and discuss resolution. Nobody should come before your own well being.0
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Gonna get back to you on this one. Gonna think about it!0
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Plain and simple, u are two totally different people, so nothing will ever be perfect! That goes for any relationship, anywhere. Just talk about it and work on it together, u shouldn't be looking for other people's opinions on ur personal relationship. U guys obviously Love each other, and now ur having a child together, so u have no choice but to work it out, whatever problems may arise, u gotta deal with it and just be there for each other, and be supportive!! If he's had abandonment issues growing up, u'll have to be more sensitive towards him. But the same goes to him, he'll have to be understanding of u. Hope u two work it out, and don't let other people or things get in between what u guys have built. U've come to far, no point in throwing in the rag now. U'll just find urself in a different relationship with a whole set of new problems!!!0
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