Did i overreact?
My boyfriend of three months still has his online dating accounts open
I really was shocked and extremely upset at this. i disabled my accounts when we first decided to go steady.
He says he doesnt go on it and only kept it because of our megs we sent back and forth (initially back in sept)
did i overreact?
I told him if its not a big deal then i will just reactive my profile again- this did not sit well with him and now he is extremely angry at me
did anyone have the same kind of issue?
I really was shocked and extremely upset at this. i disabled my accounts when we first decided to go steady.
He says he doesnt go on it and only kept it because of our megs we sent back and forth (initially back in sept)
did i overreact?
I told him if its not a big deal then i will just reactive my profile again- this did not sit well with him and now he is extremely angry at me
did anyone have the same kind of issue?
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Replies
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I do not think you over reacted on this one. If its compleatly inncocent why cant you reactivate yours? And if hes keeping it open for the messages you guys sent well he can save those to the computer0
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I thought it was just common courtesy to disable online dating profiles once people become steady
I really hate to impose..So i thought that reactivating my account (with no malicious intentions) wouldnt matter to him
But it did (very much so)
That double standard0 -
I agree if you have committed to just date each other, then why would it be open....unless he forgot to delete it....hence, would do that now...anyone could make a mistake...however, if that was the case it would be an easy fix.....I over react very easy...so I probably should not have even commented
Hope ya'll work it out! 0 -
I would have been very irritated as well..0
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How did you find out his accounts were still open? Were you snooping behind his back?0
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How did you find out his accounts were still open? Were you snooping behind his back?
I randomly asked him when did we start talking
he gave me a date
im like lol dude how did u remember that
he was like i went on my profile to check it out
i was all like ???? you still have it open
he was like yes0 -
i think disabling profiles on online dating sites is a step in a relationship progression that people talk about and agree to a common decision on. my partner and i kept ours up until our third or fourth date, then decided we wanted to be exclusive and we chatted about whether we'd delete or disable our profiles, (ultimately ended up deleting them completely). it sounds like there's a double standard at play, he's allowed to keep his, even if he's not checking it, but you're not allowed to....i think talking about it to establish something more fair and equal would be where to start.0
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My 2 Cents, I don't think you overreacted. If yall were committed to each other then they both should have been deactivated. As far as him keeping it open b/c of your messages yall initially sent back and forth..can these not be printed off? GL though, I hope things work out for you 0
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How did you find out his accounts were still open? Were you snooping behind his back?
I randomly asked him when did we start talking
he gave me a date
im like lol dude how did u remember that
he was like i went on my profile to check it out
i was all like ???? you still have it open
he was like yes
I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...0 -
If he wanted the messages, he could have printed them. He should have canceled his account. As it stands now, he's receiving an email of other girls to consider. How cool is that? No, you didn't over react and he has no grounds at all to be upset.0
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Its just dawned on me that I`ve never really closed my account on dating sites. Its just kinda left there and ignored. I wouldn`t read too much into it.
However, I would like to point out that there is a huge difference between keeping an existing account going due to forgetfulness/habit and intentionally taking the time to create a profile on a dating site.0 -
Reopen your account! Obviously he is keeping his options open
Three months isn't really enough time to know a person... he is starting to show his truer colors. If it is "no big deal" he wouldn't have been angry when you mentioned it.0 -
Definitely re-open it unless he takes his down. Don't let him play that.0
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I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...
I agree with this. And also what another person said about keeping it open vs making one. I think it can be easily resolved. Just explain to him that by him keeping it is saying your not exclusive. But I don't think you over reacted. It was kinda proving a point.0 -
If he wanted the messages, he could have printed them. He should have canceled his account. As it stands now, he's receiving an email of other girls to consider. How cool is that? No, you didn't over react and he has no grounds at all to be upset.
^^This. I totally agree.0 -
Wouldn't bother me. I've had accounts up for like the last 6 years and have had 4 relationships or attempted relationships in that time, including one of three years and one of a year. They both had theirs up too. Meh.
TBH - you have only been together three months - that isn't time to even get to know a person, let alone really fall in love with them (lust love yeah, real love no).
Boy, do I sound old and jaded!0 -
Its just dawned on me that I`ve never really closed my account on dating sites. Its just kinda left there and ignored. I wouldn`t read too much into it.
However, I would like to point out that there is a huge difference between keeping an existing account going due to forgetfulness/habit and intentionally taking the time to create a profile on a dating site.
That is true. It could have been an oversight, You can give the guy the benefit of the doubt. However, once he realizes it is an issue for her and doesn't close it..... Then it becomes a problem and means he is keeping his options open.
If he refuses to close it, that's a sign that all is not well.0 -
I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...
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^^^^ Kinda my thoughts... ^^^^0 -
Its just dawned on me that I`ve never really closed my account on dating sites. Its just kinda left there and ignored. I wouldn`t read too much into it.
However, I would like to point out that there is a huge difference between keeping an existing account going due to forgetfulness/habit and intentionally taking the time to create a profile on a dating site.
I agree. Now that you have pointed it out, does he refuse to close the accounts?0 -
It's been three months. Now if it had been a year, that's a different story. I think at three months it's more important to just watch each other and see how each does things on their own, rather than trying to change each other's behaviors. If it were me, I would have just filed away the knowledge for a while and then checked back in after a few more months to see if it was still open. If so, I would just ask about it in a non-confrontational way and see what his point of view on the issue was. But if he decides to acquiesce to your viewpoint on how he conducts his business, wouldn't you rather that it was something he did voluntarily and not something you had to throw a hissy fit to get him to do?
It's a little late for this particular instance I guess, since you have already reacted. But if you get another chance to deal with an issue that you two obviously have different expectations about, I'd step back and just let him deal with it himself on his own terms, rather than trying to force actions that you consider appropriate. See what he does and whether or not you can live with it. Talk about it without demands, retaliation threats, or tears. You don't want to get into a routine where he never knows how to act and you have to tell him so that he can avoid upsetting you. If the two of you operate that differently, better to just find out early and cut your losses than to drag it out. On the other hand, if you give him a chance to do it his way, he may surprise you in a wonderful way.0 -
Why did he say it was kept open? He can't claim he forgot to cancel it if he knew it was there to go check how long you've been togerher. If he wasn't using it and truly had forgotten he wouldn't have been so quick to go see.0
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I randomly asked him when did we start talking
he gave me a date
im like lol dude how did u remember that
he was like i went on my profile to check it out
i was all like ???? you still have it open
he was like yes
Well, he obviously was not trying to hide this information. If he has concerns about your accounts being opened again, and he will not close his, then you have problems.0 -
Your reaction is never a problem. It's genuinely how you feel and you can't change it. However, your response to that reaction sounds to me like you were trying to elicit an emotional response from him, not get a problem solved.
You guys need a do-over. If you did not agree to disable the accounts before this incident, then don't expect that it should have been known. We don't all think alike. And tell him that. "I realized we didn't talk about this before this happened. I just assumed you felt the way I did about it. But, your profile makes me really uncomfortable. Could you please remove it while we're together? Maybe you can copy/paste the messages to your email account," ....something like that.
Some couples are ok with their partners keeping their dating profiles active, and some people CAN be trusted with it. But these are things that people talk about first. Clearly, this isn't acceptable to you and that's ok. Just save the drama and get your problem solved.0 -
Same here...I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...
^^^^ Kinda my thoughts... ^^^^
Now might not be the right time to demonstrate how well you can nag anyway.
He might then be glad those accounts are still open...0 -
I'd just say well I'm upset as you would be, as was trying to get you to see it from my side. Tell him that's its something you need to talk about and are both of you closing them or not? If he says no then get rid of him, if he says yes them great. Like the others said he can save the messages... Can't help thinking this is a lame excuse but give him the benefit of the doubt. His true colours will show when he deletes it or not... X0
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thank you all for your responses back
I am not trying to impose my thoughts or actions on to him.
I just thought it was just plain common courtesy if you are in a relationship that you disable the accounts (after some time and i think personally 3 months is a hell of a long time)
I know he didnt have any bad intentions but still i was really shocked and the thought that yeah he is trying to keep his options open
Since then...I deleted my account and i apologized to him ( i really didnt mean for it to get out of hand)
thank you all for your feedback. I appreciate it have a wonderful day!0 -
I do not think you over reacted on this one. If its compleatly inncocent why cant you reactivate yours? And if hes keeping it open for the messages you guys sent well he can save those to the computer
Agreed!0 -
me and my wife meet of a internet dating sight. After we got serous she deleted and i didnt. I didnt do it to cheat, or look around. I just thought it wasnt a big deal. I never logged into there. My wife tho didnt like it to much, so I deleted it.0
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Same here...I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...
^^^^ Kinda my thoughts... ^^^^
Now might not be the right time to demonstrate how well you can nag anyway.
He might then be glad those accounts are still open...
I dont think she was nagging.And if he looks elsewhere because she nags...good luck..all women nag when need be
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me and my wife meet of a internet dating sight. After we got serous she deleted and i didnt. I didnt do it to cheat, or look around. I just thought it wasnt a big deal. I never logged into there. My wife tho didnt like it to much, so I deleted it.
Good man!0
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